Nick Clegg

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for David Cameron?

“When I said I was against poor people paying high university tuition fees I meant to say I was against poor people.”

~ Clegg justifying his u-turn

David Cameron as Nick Clegg at CCHQ

“Vote Liberal or I'll shoot my dog”

~ Nick Clegg

“Decided to raise tuition fees with David C. #yolo”

~ Nick Clegg's Twitter

“Go put the kettle on, Clegg.”

~ David Cameron

Nicholas Gibberish Custard-Tie Teaboy "Nick" Clegg (born 7 January 1967) is the former Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and a former leader of the Liberal Democrat party. He lead his party from the political wilderness in 2010 until they formed a coalition government with the Conservative Party and then returned to the scrub lands and tumbleweed following the Liberal Democrat near wipe out in the 2015 General election.

Clegg's five years of imitating British Prime Minister David Cameron's poodle are now over. A terminal visit to the vet may come next. His party is now leaderless, rudderless, clueless and irrelevant, though to be fair to the Liberals, they have been there before. Following his resignation the Liberal Democrats are leaderless, but are spoilt for choice regarding his successor, as they have no fewer than 8 (oops!), 7 MPs to choose from. Two years late in June 2017, Clegg lost his own parliamentary seat in a General Election. Curtains.

So where did it all go right/wrong for Clegg? Should he have kept the Liberal Democrats unsoiled from genuine political power, keeping to their principles or was it down to trusting the word of the slippery David Cameron Or was Clegg always there to render the Liberal Democrats harmless, the Manchurian Candidate under the direct control of the Conservative party to discredit their old foes the Liberals. Either way, the Lib Dems are now the Lib Dodos, destined to end up inside a specimen jar for curious generations to gawp at in future.

Rise to Glory

Nick Clegg is proud of his mixed-up family relations. He has Dutch ancestors and a Spanish wife, despite having a name like 'Clegg' which does sound distinctly Northern England working class. The Clegger's early history includes an incident where he burned down a garden shed in Germany (so that doesn't count) and that he was regular stallion in the bedsheets at university. Clegg was also good at tennis which is perhaps where he should have really gone. England likes its tennis players but only if they lose. Clegg now has gone that but without the tennis elbow and or a bronzed knee look - which is perhaps a shame since he does always like someone who is about to be violenly sea sick.

The young Clegg eventually working at the European Union as fifth banana for the then British EU commissioner Leon Brittan. Former Tory minister Brittan (and now he is dead...you can claim Brittan was the leader of a satanic cult of kiddie fiddlers) was keen for Clegg to join his party and become a Conservative. Clegg said apparently 'not yet but give me 25 years' or words to that affect.

Where's Nicky?

"Have you seen David Cameron and Nick Clegg in the same room?"

In a bid to boost the Liberal Democrats election campaign, the party released a series of children's book entitled 'Where's Nicky?' in which youngsters had to search for their favourite party leader amongst other fellow anonymous folk. Illustrations for the book included a well hidden Nick in the House of Commons, at a student demonstration and attending the marriage of Prince William to Kate Middleton. A rather controversial illustration depicted a mass gathering of Liberal MPs at the hanging of former leader Charles Kennedy - emphasising the backstabbing of their formerly loved politicians.

However, it was another example of a catastrophic failure for the Liberal Democrats. After a week after the 'Nicky' series being released, the party realised that children couldn't vote, thus taking a huge chunk out of the campaign budget and being a total waste of time. It didn't help matters when children and adults alike didn't even know what the Liberal Democrat leader looked like.

Conspiracies floating around suggest that this idea was the brainchild of David Cameron, and he knew the consequences anyway, simply in order to destruct the Lib Dems campaign. It worked.

Cleggmania

Let us fuck this country up together. 2011 Coalition Poster.

Nobody knows where this brief phenomenon arose from, but spin doctors seem to have identified its origins in the aftermath of the 1st mass debate. Comparisons have been made to the rise of fame of Lady Gaga, and ur mum. The origins of Cleggmania seems to be from the Iceandic volcano that started erupting the day before the television debate. The power of the ash cloud that floated over Britain the next day gave Nick Clegg an apparent angelic glow, and infected anyone that happened to look at him during the TV debate with a virus, which spread to everyone else they talked to afterwards. 99% of people watching were reported to have been infected, and those not watching quickly caught the virus from others talking about Nick Clegg, so by Friday afternoon, 75% of the population had been infected.

Cleggmania also infected David Cameron and Gordon Brown. They began vying for Nick Clegg's electoral favours, constantly agreeing with everything he said, and crying out for his attentions like teenage boys around ur mum. Scientists have subsequently suggested that the viral symptoms were significantly more prominent in people who had the misfortune to stand within 20 feet of Clegg. It appears Clegg was the primary source of the virus, since effects persised after the volcano stopped erupting. Symptoms of Cleggmania (virus Cleggi) include speech impediment (specifically ad nauseum repetition of the phrase 'I agree with Nick' at the beginning of every sentence, in a way that even the most masterful and talented techno musicians cannot contest), as well as becoming transfixed with any remotely good looking politician who presents themselves as 'honest' (despite this being clearly absolutely impossible), disillusionment with Labour, dislike of Conservativism, and a general hatred of politics. Such symptoms have been found in all members of the British population.

Although Cleggmania has now died down, with the introduction of a very effective antidote first given to surplus university students, its after affects are still present in Britain. Political commentators now say Cleggmania was political swine flu and as such expect it not to surface again for several decades, much like the Liberal Democrats.

Egg Clegg

In November 2010, senior members of the Liberal Democrats appalled by the ongoing relationship of Clegg and Cameroon stated operation "Egg Clegg". They plan to throw eggs at the Liberal leader in protest at an undisclosed date. A spokesperson for the group, Mr. Charles Kennedy said "we would like to tell you when we plan to pelt him with these farm products, but he might be listening. "We prefer to take him by suprise". Mr. Kennedy added "If we have any spare Egg's left, we may use the excess on Vince Cable". After much thought, it was decided that they would not even waste an egg on the turd.

I now agree entirely with David

In a 2010 interview with Razzle magazine, Clegg brushed aside accusations that his party had u-turned on tuition fees and reneged on just about everything else in their pre-election manifesto by saying:

"Look, we're in coalition and are coping with one the biggest economic catastrophes in modern times. OK, I might be the Andrew Ridgely of British Politics but I enjoy poncing around in ministerial limos, looking all smug and important for the first time ever in my hitherto anonymous little life. I've decided therefore to say "bollocks" to it and agree wholeheartedly with what Dave's now saying instead. Who gives a fiddler's fuck what students think anyway? ... Is that microphone still on? Shit."

Achievements

In his role as Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg was able to go everywhere with the impersonation of power. David Cameron called him an 'honourable' friend and pat him on the back when they sat together on the Government front bench to stare at their Labour opponents. This and a swanky house share and access to the gold plated secret bunker underneath No10 were about it. There was a referendum on changing First Past the Post (FPTP) to E&SR (Egg & Spoon Race) where candidates would have to run with a boiled egg whilst dressed in rank furry animal costume to help get the 'kiddies' interested in voting. The British Public said no on that one and that was really it for the Liberal Democrat hopes.

The rest of the coalition passed as a blur with it seems the Liberal end of the coalition getting to announce all the bad stuff (Tax on the First Born, Abolition of Foreigners, The Blow-up Bed Tax) whilst the Tories got the credit for introducing Boris Johnson to public life. It was all a bit unfair but Clegg stuck to his policies...if he hadn't lost them down the back of a sofa.

This is the End

In the 2015 May election Clegg really believed his party would survive. He offered to be the 'Dorothy' in a bizarre analogy with the Wizard of Oz. The Liberal Democrats would provide the brains for the Scarecrow Labour Party and a heart for the Tin Man Tories. But then who was the Cowardly Lion? Nigel Farage? or Nicola Sturgeon?? Or was Clegg thinking the Liberal Democrats would really end up as the yapping Toto??? The British electorate decided they had enough of that scenario and crushed Clegg and his party at the polls.

2017

In April 2017 Prime Minister Theresa May called a General Election. The Liberal Democrats thought they could get the 48% who voted Remain in the European Union. They got 7% of the national vote and lost MPs - balanced out by winning in a few other places to bring their MP numbers up to 12. But Clegg wasn't with them. He was beaten in his constituency by a Labour Party candidate, a representative of the student generation who Clegg had so badly pissed off earlier.

Clegg now works for Facebook where his job is to take down racist/homophobic/anti-transgender posts. So about 90% of Facebook.