Ed Miliband

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Edward Shamuel Miliband
Ed Miliband displays his favourite poster, an action-shot of his hero Vladimir Lenin.
Leader of the Opposition
Head of State Queen Elizabeth II
Deputy Harriet Harperson
Assumed office 25 September 2010
Predecessor Harriet Harperson
Leader of T'Labour Parteh
Head of State Queen Elizabeth II
Deputy Ed Bollocks
Assumed Office 25 September 2010
Predecessor Gordon Brown
Various other roles
In office Weekday afternoons except all Fridays and Mondays if hung over
Head of State Queen Elizabeth II
Member of Parliament for some shithole... Donnington? Don...don...Doncaster!
Assumed office 5 May 2005
Preceded by Keith Huggies
Personal details
Born Edward Shamuel Milibland
24 December 1969
(age 44)
Moskva, Russian SFSR
Political party T'Labour Parteh
Bint Justine Thornton
Residence Faux council house, Lewisham (claimed)
£2m Islington townhouse (actual)
Profession Cunt
Alma mater Jesus Christi College, Oxford
Religion Atheist
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for David Miliband?

“What I do say is that these strikes are wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on. Parents and teachers up and down the country have been let down by both sides because the government has behaved in a reckless and provocative manner. As of today, I urge both sides to put aside the rhetoric, get round the negotiating table and do something.”

~ Ed Miliband on giving the same answer to every question

Ed Miliband (Эд Милибэнд) (born 24 December 1969) also known as "Red Ed", "The other one, you know, David's brother", and "Wallace-out-of-Wallace-and-Gromit" is either an incompetent brainwashed son of a Soviet liar and radical six-foot communist sinus or an incompetent bourgeoisie and traitor of the workers, depending on why the opinion holder voted Labour. He is also a former Labour Party Leader.

Miliband advocated a spending policy similar to that of the Conservative government in every detail, apart from the line at the start of each policy which reads, "Unlike the Conservative's policy..."

Miliband is also a narcissist; in 1973 his parents, a Polish bint and some Belgian pinko bought young Miliband a pet bulldog, which he named Ed. Today, Ed - who has been lavished with the comedic gift-that-keeps-on-giving surname "Balls" - is Shadow Chancellor and has been taught to articulate his growling and bullying into vaguely intelligible English. Like something out of Animal Farm, and in keeping with Labour's working class ethic, this deeply unattractive canine attended Oxford University where he cheated in an economics exam in order to gain a degree. He then married a pastel-coloured inflatable doll called Yvonne or something and joined the Shadowy Cabinet.

Miliband is trilingual: he speaks broken English like a man with a tampon in his nose, Russian and Absolute Horseshit, but can't asseverate a sensible policy in any of them.

Early Life[edit]

Miliband was born in a time when communism was still cool to a Marxist bloke and a CND campaigner, notable for being one of the few who was at least ostensibly not a lesbian. Miliband was born on Christmas Eve, which would have been a gift-buying nightmare for his parents but for the fact that Christmas is religious festival - and religion is the opiate of the masses and was thus actively despised in the Miliband household - and gift buying is a decadent, capitalist activity undertaken by the bourgeoisie, and the bourgeoisie only. In addition, gift buying elevates one comrade over another, and such indiscretions cannot be permitted under collectivism. Miliband is the paternal nephew of bespectacled late-60s minor rock phenomenon and space cowboy Steve Millerband.

Miliband has claimed that his childhood experiences formed his well-enunciated political opinions which he has held - loosely - his entire life. At the age of three, Miliband was declared bankrupt. And again at five, then twice more at seven, and then on fifteen other occasions throughout adolescency. Miliband has stated that fond memories of bankruptcy are ones he would like the whole country to experience and are the primary reason for his weak fiscal policy.

In keeping with Labour's working class ethic, Miliband, his considerably better known older missed abortion opportunity David, his mother and father moved to Notting Hill, an affluent suburb in North London.

In 1977, Miliband was assaulted by some rich bastards while operating a tax-and-spend scam in Dagenham, levying punitive taxes on vagrants and the infirm. Later arrested for theft, Miliband claimed that the homeless represented the "decadent bourgeoisie" who were "suckig Bridain dry claimig privide properdy righds over muldi-storey fire exids and cedral headig grades" (sic).

In 1979, a Capitalist pig called Margaret Thatcher came to power in the United Kingdom. Young Miliband was incensed that a woman who opposed runaway deficit spending and industrial decline had dared to be allowed to exist, never mind to become Prime Minister. As an act of defiance, Miliband joined the communist party. Upon finding their views too close to those of the "elitist exploiters", joined Michael Hand's Labour party instead, at the time a collection of mustached northern ideologues.

In a horrific incident in a public restroom where some members of the trust-funded gentry were torturing Miliband (in much the same way as Miliband's idol, Joseph Stalin had done to his political enemies) by dunking his head in a toilet bowl, some bleach on the inside lip was allowed to remain on Miliband's hair, thus leaving him with his trademark "panda skin" grey blob in his hair.

Rise to (minor) significance[edit]

In 1983, Michael Hand wrote a very long suicide note for the Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybour Parteh and the party attempted to commit suicide. Upon finding out that the party had lost the election, Miliband went on a rampage, throwing Fair Trade raisins and lentil soup all over his brother and dog. Miliband attempted to mow the capitalist bitch "Thatcher" down in a Lada Riva, but failed when the socialist-built car failed to gain enough momentum, speed or rigidity to dent the "Iron Lady".

In 1986, in keeping with Labour's working-class ethic, Miliband was through administrative error admitted to Oxford University, where he studied the bottoms of several affluent sprogs' shoes. In 1989, the Berlin Wall fell, and Miliband was so distraught that his beloved political system had been laid bare as a mockery of a sham that he failed all his exams. Mikhail Gorbachev had betrayed every ideal he had held dear. Miliband, in a fit of rage, procured (because in socialism, stealing is just called "redistributing") a bottle of vodka from some aspirational, business owning bourgeois, and after three sips vomited prodigiously.

By 1992, Miliband's hangover had dissipated. In the intervening three years, Miliband had successfully cultivated an entirely unique image - one of geekiness but unsubstantiated with abiity - and was ready to enter a political career. While working for a television programme nobody has ever heard of, Miliband was approached by a hateful feminist with a vagina as tight as the party's spending policy wasn't, with a proposal for Miliband to join her as her researcher and speech writer.

Tired of finding new ways to write the words "chauvinist pigs" into Harriet Harperson's speeches, in 1994 Miliband applied to noted warmonger-to-be and tanning specialist Tony Blair to be moved to the shadow Treasury, where Gordon Brown was busy making plans to make a royal and unholy hash of everything he laid his eyes upon like a pack of dinosaurs chasing some bulls around an entire city made entirely of particularly weak china.

Trip to the place full of capitalist pigs[edit]

In July 2002, it was announced that Miliband would take a 12-month paid sabbatical to Harvard university (in keeping with Labour's working class ethic), in America, a place full of bastard capitalist pigs who didn't agree with his communistic ideals.

While in America, Miliband was shocked at the dangerously low tax rates, the freedom enjoyed by its people, and the dynamism its economy exhibited, an ideology Miliband had been shocked to discover had also been followed by the previous bastard middle-class government of sexually polygamous combover-toter John Major. At the time, in a fit of rage, Miliband had attempted to aggressively fly a model aeroplane built from pages of a surplus copy of Das Kapital into the car of a local wealth-creating drone. Unfortunately the aeroplane had been so weak and ineffectual that it had actually blown back into Miliband's eye, tragically and irreparably severing several nerves and resulting in the permanent gormless expression Miliband retains to this day.

In 2004, upon returning to Blair's sort-of-centrist hellhole, the harbinger of doom Gordon Brown assigned Miliband to a committee or something on the economy (because Brown noticed that the economy had been essentially forgotten about for seven years). Here, he and a bunch of other commies, hippies and CND lesbians would advise Brown on many issues surrounding the economy, such as a) what it is, b) how much higher he could raise taxes, c) other completely extraneous and useless things he could spend money on, including invoking the spirit of socialism by painting "imitation grimy asbestos" onto public buildings.

After six months of pissing money away on potted plants, white elephant hospitals that never opened and jacuzzis for the Department of Education, Miliband suggested the government scrap tables and employ four million new public sector workers to hold items. Miliband also suggested the government might actually save some money by removing all lightbulbs from government buildings and schools and drafting in hitherto destitute Bolshevik union management from the 1970s and using the light shining from their comrades arseholes to light rooms instead.

In early 2005, satisfied that Miliband had made as much of a shitstorm of damage as he possibly could, Miliband stood for actual election in a safe Labour seat, and in an election result as surprising as hitting water when jumping out of a boat, Miliband was elected to Parliament where (in keeping with Labour's working class ethic) Miliband would be allowed to wear a suit and develop a northern accent, wave paper around like a sweaty retard and make speeches plotting the downfall of the exploitative capitalistic world economy.

In 2006, hand gesturer and after-dinner speech specialist Tony Blair created a new position (probably) called something banal and meaningless which Miliband plainly filled about as well as a child's penis in an oil conduit as a year later he stood up, looked at his Rolex (in keeping with Labour's working class ethic), and said "oh, looks like it's fuck this shit o'clock" and resigned.

Becoming known slightly better than you know the back of your head[edit]

Ed Miliband does an impression of a camel

In 2006, the economy destroying imbecile Gordon Brown ascended to power after giving nervous-laughing Parliament misleader Tony Blair fellatio. Like a freight train through a maternity ward, Gordon Brown continued to make a complete balls-up of everything he laid eyes upon. Throughout this period where Gordon Brown was doing his level best to make a complete train wreck of the British economy, Miliband remained busy as a close advisor to Brown, but also as a bloke in charge of energy, the environment, and shit like that.

During this time, Miliband was ambushed by Pete Postlethwaite, an incredibly ugly and now dead-as-Gordon-Browns-career environmentalist whose star-studded film premiere (in keeping with Labour's working class ethic) Miliband was attending. Postlethwate threatened to hit Miliband between the legs with a bamboo shoot if he didn't veto the building of a power station in the South East of England (a place Labour has never heard of). Miliband didn't, but Postlethwaite didn't engage in any organic chastisement.

He also got into arguments with China and was highly praised for not submitting many expenses claims, instead garnering funding from trade unions. Miliband claimed his expenditures were very low, stating he only eats lentils and tofu, and drinks water distilled from sweat scraped off his own forehead.

Loss of the General Election, 2010[edit]

In 2010, despite telling a lot of lies and bullshitting in greater quantities than a bull actually shits, Labour lost the General Election and was ejected from power like a festering, turd filled nappy from the window of a car speeding down into the crater of an active volcano. Miliband, in a fit of rage, picked up a bust of Lenin and tried to throw it at an internal glass partition in the Treasury, only to have the bust crumble in his hands, and the dust fall into his eyes and cause partial blindness in both eyes. This blindness Miliband retains, perhaps best evidenced by his crashing inability to see the obviousness of the truth of the situation the country finds itself in.

Leadership Contest, 2010[edit]

Later that year, despite not having actually entered the leadership contest, Miliband beat Miliband, a dog, his wife, some pasty-faced lesbian and an Asian woman to become Supreme Leader and General Secretary of the Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybour Parteh of the United Kingdom. Miliband shit a brick. Miliband, who had been widely tipped to win, also shat a brick.

Miliband shouts "shit!" as he again bankrupts the British economy in Government Simulator 2, on a PlayStation 4 game console, thankfully as close as Miliband will ever come to actual power.

Many commies, socialists, Trots, Leninists, Bolshies, Brezhnev-era apparatchiks, obese northerners and backwoods idiots had confused Miliband for Miliband, and had accidentally placed a vote for Miliband assuming that who they had actually voted for was Miliband. Miliband was distraught, Miliband comforting Miliband by giving Miliband a loving cuddle. Miliband took to the stage and delivered a speech from the top of his nasal cavity, Miliband sitting in the audience nodding appreciatively with the glazed, shocked expression of a man realising a condom has just split. Miliband became Leader of the Opposition, a role he took to with the elegance of a cigarette paper to the surface of the sun. Miliband retired from frontline politics, instead choosing to spend time with his delightful family, leaving Miliband to oppose the measures the government were attempting to put in place to combat the monumental fuckup Miliband had created.

Many pointed out that Miliband had won the election over Miliband primarily because he had garnered a higher amount of support from Trade Union members. Miliband pointed out that this was irrelevant, mostly because trade union members don't really exist any more, partly because the ones that do are all teachers in schools, and least of all because trade union members are widely noted for being pragmatic, level headed individuals.


Shadow Minister for Justice on a busy Monday afternoon Official Labour photography shows an unflustered approach to government

Ed Miliband's leadership of the Labour party has been marked by almost nothing at all. Miliband shot himself in the foot by comparing himself to Martin Luther King, and those opposing financial reality as those protesting in favour of the civil rights movement. Many senior figures in the Labour party suggested that Miliband might have attracted less negative publicity had he compared himself to the flat earth society protesting the growing scientific consensus against such a theory.

In a shocking turn of events, the Labour party headquarters on Victoria Street, Westminster had a new three-piece suite installed in the reception. Journalists flocked to the scene, with many speculating that the delightful jet black, leather material, with sharp, clean edges, comfortable back rest and unparalleled lumbar support might in some way indicate a change in policy direction for Miliband and the Labour party. Far from encouraging the intrigued journalists into engaging in a mass debate on the leather sofa, Miliband became increasingly angry with the journalists for congregating around the item of furniture, and in a fit of rage picked up a rack of policy leaflets and hurled it into a fair trade, socialist internal plasteroboard wall. Horrifically, the wall crumbled and fell down, revealing a copulating couple in the office beyond, and the leaflets which flew open all over the reception area were revealed to be completely blank, indicating a complete lack of policy in the Labour party.

In keeping with Labour's working class ethic, Miliband has continued to propone a high-tax, high-spend economic policy on the basis that it worked so well creating the mess the country finds itself in.

Miliband has proposed to regulate the press with a purpose-created commission to regulate what the press is or is not able to say, as the press are troublesome. Many bastard number-literates have pointed out that many of Miliband's economic policies would be as effectual as taking a dump on an oilrig fire, in that they are actually making it more flammable, and you're going to get a burnt arse for trying.

In 2011, Miliband had an operation on his nose which pundits continue to speculate on the finish date for, gained a stone, become a bit more northern, said "Mr Speakah" a lot, and caused several members of the public to require therapy after gawping into their faces for half an hour like a goldfish staring at a mushroom cloud.


Ed Miliband is kicked in the balls whilst eating a bacon sandwich.

On 21 May 2014, Miliband provoked laughter when he was photographed being kicked in the balls whilst eating a bacon sandwich. Actually this can't be made funnier than it already is. I mean just look at him. What a Norbert. Jesus.

European Parliament Election 2014[edit]

In 2014, elections to the European Parliament nobody knows or cares about but nevertheless presumes to legislate for all the peoples of Europe held an election. Noted beer-drinker and cigarette smoker Nigel Farage from UKIP won pretty much everything in the UK, although t'Labour Party also made some small gains. Again, it was mostly northern people who voted for them, but Ed Miliband's party captured votes from people who appeared to be unconcerned about 'you're-up' and more concerned about 'couts' to 'vital poublic services'. Quite why voting for a party at a European level based on these issues is relevant we don't know.

The increased Labour vote meant that their 'grouping' is the biggest in the you're up, Ian parliament, and that therefore for some reason the big head guy in Europe should now no longer be Herman von Rumpy, but should instead be Jean-Claude Francois Pierre Juncker. Juncker is a man who, despite apparently being Europe's longest-serving leader, is nevertheless some fucker we've never even heard of. Even his own wife has to Google up a picture of him at night to check he's not just some mad rapist coming into her house.

In response to Juncker's candidacy for the European Presidency, Red Ed saw red. In a fit of rage, Miliband did a Europe-mandated risk assessment on raising his voice in an empty office, but determined that after an examination of the risk matrices and a comparison of the prospective benefits to the foreseeable risks, the best course of action would be to submit a detailed plan for the outburst for judicial review by the European Court of Justice.

In June 2014, the Court informed Miliband that they "[had] no fucking idea who [he was]. National politics are no longer relevant".

General Election 2015[edit]

Ed Miliband launched his election campaign on April 2015, a day before the general election. It is presumed he spent the entire month in bed with fellow politician Nicola Sturgeon. On the day of the election, Miliband went to vote for himself, but accidentally voted for David Cameron.

Alliance with the Daleks[edit]

Ed aboard the Dalek Saucer, trying to focus his camera to take a selfie.

On the day of the election, Ed Miliband formed an alliance with the Daleks.


He doesn't have one. He failed to win the general election and so he was exterminated by the Daleks in May 2015. David Cameron attended Miliband's funeral, but only to leave a "Vote Conservative" leaflet stuck to his coffin. Ed's brother, David Miliband, did not attend the funeral, as he was busy taking over the Labour party, ready to undo his dead brother's damage.

Personal Life[edit]

Little is known about Miliband's personal life. In 2011, Miliband became married to Justine Thornton, who, in keeping with Labour's working class ethic, is a barrister. Together, the couple have two sons, Vladimir, born in 2009, and Dmitri, born in 2010.

Thornton is a close friend of Frances Osborne - wife of the current Chancellor of the Exchequer, noted spending cutter George Osborne - with whom she travelled extensively. Osborne and his wife were not invited to the wedding, Miliband describing Osborne as "a Friedmanite bastard". In keeping with Labour's working class ethic, Thornton is also heir to the fortune of chocolatier Joseph William Thorton, founder of heartless capital accumulation vehicle chocolate maker Thornton's.

Miliband was arrested briefly in 2012 when he crashed a Lada Riva into the reception of competitive market, laissez-faire proponent budget hotel chain Formule 1 in London in protest at their shocking treatment of staff even though Formule 1 pointed out by synthesizer that no staff are actually employed at their hotels.

Miliband has suggested that despite having a keyring bust of Khrushchev, he is not a revolutionary communist. Self-describing his views in 2010, Miliband stated that he was a socialist. Unrelatedly, in 1934, noted Austrian Jew killer and Charlie Chaplin lookalike Adolf Hitler also described himself as a socialist. Miliband is clearly incomparable, as he isn't Austrian.

In 2013 the Daily Mail claimed Ed Miliband's father Ralph Miliband had hated Britain so much that he had tried to kill Winston Churchill during the Second World War. Junior Miliband (former Hercule Adolph Milibandsky from Poland via Belgium) had been paid a lot of money by Joseph Stalin to kill Britain's war leader and execute the Royal Family. Ed claimed this was too far and said his father only planned to shoot George VI.