Theresa May
Theresa Margaret Maggie May (born 1 October 1956), known as Mad May to her friends, was Great Britain's latest and worst Prime Minister, second only to Neville Chamberlain as the worst, and second only to Boris Johnson as the latest. She won the job in 2016, in the wake of the unexpected success of the Brexit referendum, which was especially unexpected to its sponsors. May avoided a party election by virtue of all her potential competitors leaving the race, leaving politics, or leaving Britain.
As Prime Minister, her job was to take the helm of a nation that has jumped out of the European Union without a parachute and pilot it to a soft landing, even at the expense of all the things that were the point of jumping. Consequently, May is the virtual May Queen of what's left of Ye Olde England.
Having achieved neither a soft landing, a hard landing, nor in fact a jump, after two and a half years, May made a teary abdication in favour of Johnson, who at various times had promised all three.
More tea, vicar?[edit]
Theresa May was born Theresa Brasier (originally Brasserie, from a family of French immigrants) in Eastbourne, Sussex. The young Theresa wanted to be a nun, seeing herself as the British Mother Teresa: The Sequel, but instead became a zombie and met and married some geezer called May who was a generally indecisive fellow, hence the surname. She studied geography and the layered strata of ancient landscapes. When she realised this was never going to lead to an actual job she decided to join the British Conservative Party on the basis that if she wasn't going to work like the rest of the country then she could get well paid for sitting around on her arse talking pish. Her father, who was a vicar, encouraged her to enter politics. This wasn't really advice based on anything that made sense, he just wanted her out of the house.
Skinning kittens[edit]
Theresa had a few unusual hobbies when young. She had coats made out of dead puppies and boots crafted from the skins of kittens. This gave her a reputation of someone to avoid in a dark alley since she clearly had a propensity for using other live things for her personal gain and your soul could easily have been next. Theresa was the original inspiration for George R. R. Martin's character Lady Stoneheart in A Song of Fire and Ice.
May's next move was to get elected into Parliament as a Conservative. In 1997, she won the seat for Virgin-on-the-Water (Otherwise, Maidenhead). It was a bad year for Theresa and the other folk in the blue corner, which had been crushed by Tony Blair's Labour Party. Theresa May was one of the small band of Tory women MPs left and she saw this as an opportunity to set up a girl band called The Parliamentarian Whingers. Their first (and only) single called 'We Ain't Got No Clue Wot We Is Doing, Innit?' was released among much fanfare and a naked centre-page spread in The Independent Observer. The record was a bit of a flop to be honest and never registered on any chart anywhere in the world although neighbours said she had it playing non-stop at home during many of her candlelit suppers. She was selected for a top post in Willie The Hague's opposition front bench as everyone more qualified was disqualified by no longer being in Parliament at all, and partly because Willie had been frequently heard humming the chorus of (and skipping along to) 'We Ain't Got No Clue Wot We Is Doing, Innit?' in the corridors of Westminster.
We're all Nazis now[edit]
In 2001, the Tories contrived to suffer a second thorough defeat at the hand of the Labour party. In the words of someone, 'Flippin 'ell Tories, you took a right good thumping there like'. This double drubbing led May to question her party's reputation. At the party's conference she said they were the 'nasty party' and this annoyed some of them coz they had all bought copies of her failed record/song/girl band thingy. Older members cheered, thinking she had said 'Nazi party.'
The speech got May noticed by all sorts, especially because she delivered it wearing shoes made of dead cats. She later claimed they were simply 'kitten prints' and Tories who were of a certain vintage became excited by this news. Here was someone with the killer instinct, but other Tories still saw her as the token woman and failed popstar in a party of balding men and sexless women, someone who could add colour to cheeks everywhere but as it turned out she was someone who couldn't add anything to anything anywhere.
Home secretary[edit]
In 2010, May considered leaving politics and auditioning for a remake of The Wizard of Oz but then David Cameron came first (in seats) in the British General Election that year but still needed the Liberal Democrats as parliamentary ballast. What a calamity that was to turn into! May had already established herself as the Principal Conservative Woman and so required a top job. She was given the Home Office, a place where a minister was responsible for everything including immigration, police, passports, pop music, barbed wire and er..immigration again.
May's chief concern was foreigners, especially ones you couldn't spot from a distance unless they started talking. The worst ones were to be deported and for this May offered to load them up in a van and dump them off at Dover.
Besides smelly immigrants, May's other great enemy is that other home of the unwashed - the Internet. She is convinced this is acting as a sewer to deliver pornography, political aggression and excessive downloading of programmes about cooking. She also hates Facebook for providing to many links to cat videos on You Tube. In response, May was keen to introduce severe controls over what people could do on the internet and has openly admired how the Chinese have dealt with this. Banning access to everything unless it is the Burberry website. Her aggressive pro-censorship stance has led to Jim Wales (founder of Uncyclopedia and Wikipedia in that order) to move to Holland.
Shy remainer to Prime Minister[edit]
In the Great Brexit Vote Lottery. May stayed quiet as her boss David Cameron threw himself onto the fire when he lost the vote. Other Tories who had campaigned for an out vote were then eliminated one-by-one as if in an Agatha Christie thriller. Finally her last opponent Angela Leadsom was found dead in the library with a bit of lead piping in her head, May was the only one left. Cameron was handed a pearl handled revolver, retreated into Number 10 and fired the bullet.
May stayed quiet for the next three months, hidden from view at No.10 except for a quick walking tour of Switzerland to prove she was a tough walker as well as a tough talker. In October she met her party and announced that she had a plan to leave the European Union. They cheered wildly. The big reveal would come in March 2017.
Special Relationship[edit]
May has made it clear on several occasions that she intends to restore the 'Special Relationship' that once existed between the United Kingdom and the USA — the type of relationship that restores Britain as Washington’s favourite, waggy-tailed pet. Many commentators observe that the relationship across the Atlantic had cooled, since the UK started pissing on Obama’s furniture over Syria. The president soon decided it was for the best, to put the UK in a kennel out in the yard and turn his attention to hearding cats in Gaza.
However, since the election of Donald Trump, dignitaries on both side of the Atlantic expressed hope that an obedient, lead and follow relationship could be reinstated. The Prime Minister increased efforts to reengage with the US, by announcing on prime time news her intention to make a telephone call directly to the White House. This marked a step-change from sneaking in unpopular announcements via the BBC World Service’s Hardtalk, at four thirty on a Sunday morning.
However this act of diplomacy has come under widespread criticism by Guardian columnist, Alexis Petridis. He has described the move as a sycophantic attempt to play up to Trump's brand of aggressive, reactionary conservatism; which is not considered part of the UK’s psyche — as the Brexit result had very clearly not shown. Impending dead air on the less politically motivated 24 hour newswires, was filled with nostalgic comparisons to Ronald Regan and Margret Thatcher during the golden age of spandex. The BBC however report that a Trump/May relationship, has every chance of making the infamous 80’s warmongering Conservatives seem like a pair of hemp-clad econinnies.
Charity[edit]
Since Mays near fatal stroke in 1992, she has supported a variety of UK-based charities. She is currently the CEO of the Stroke Association and has been a board member of The Heart Foundation for 30 years. Since 2004, in support of her charities, May takes part in the annual ‘Stroke Me’ charity challenge for the Stroke Association.
Stroke me[edit]
The annual ‘’Stroke Me Challenge’’, hosted by the BBC raises over £2,000,000 (US$850,000) yearly and is broadcast internationally to help raise awareness of those living with the complicated results of a stroke. The challenge involves one charitable celebrity who is strapped to the ‘Stroke Chair’. Once restricted from movement, a set number of ’strokers’ enter the room and proceed to stroke the celebrity in as many different ways as possible. Money donated to the BBC is collected using telephone and internet based systems, similarly to Comic Relief in the UK.
Battle for independence[edit]
Theresa May finally announced that Britain would start looking for a parachute to escape from the European Union in March 2017. Only True Blue Brits with a True Blue Passport would be allowed to live in the UK. For everyone else, we will "send them back" (as soon as we can make them "get orff moy lawn"). Rule Brexitania!
Theresa knew that the enemy would fight back ruthlessly in the two years of negotiations required by treaty. Therefore, she planned a blitzkrieg, hoping to attack before the enemy was ready, a campaign known as May in June.
Result[edit]
The 2017 General Election looked like a cakewalk at the start. Jeremy Corbyn was 'unelectable' and would walk around naked in front of other political leaders as he 'had no policies, had no clothes'. May's advisors prepared a torchlight victory march following the results. It would have been the Second Coming of Margaret. When May saw what the actual results were - her party had lost its parliamentary majority and was in a minority and looking for allies.
2017 wheat scandal[edit]
In 2017, May confessed that she and friends would 'run through the fields of wheat'. The farmers weren't too pleased about that and voted against her at the 2017 General Election. Her discomfort was increased when one of her political opponents, Lord Buckethead upstaged her in his black costume and sign language. It was a signal that May was about to see her reputation go into the dumper.
In June Theresa May lost her party's majority and had to rely on the Democratic Unionist Party, a religious-fundamentalist sect with extreme anti-Catholic opinions to support her in Parliament. Meanwhile her party had split into Brexiteers, Remainers and the Fence Sitters. At the party's October political conference, May attempted to make a speech but lost her voice to a frog and saw a sign advertising her government's achievements collapse into gibberish. They should have bought stronger magnets.
Deal or No Deal?[edit]
In January 2019 Theresa May's long negotiated deal for Britain's exit from the European Union was voted down by over 200 votes in the House of Commons. Theresa May said she would take account of what had happened and carry on as if nothing had actually happened. This was called the Ostrich Position.
In February and March 2019 Theresa May's Brexit bill was twice more defeated. In desperation, she asked the Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn to pop into tea and support her. Jeremy took the tea and biscuits but eventually said 'no deal Treza' and walked out via the back door. In the meantime, her government was shedding more ministers and then Nigel Farage re-appeared. Farage had left UKIP and created a new company-owned party called 'the Brexit Party'. The Brexit Party quickly sped up the polls and overtook the Conservatives. The final wheel came off. Theresa May announced her resignation on 24th May 2019.
