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“These motherfucking Brits feed me to fuck their blondes!”

~ Salman Rushdie on Brits

“One day, you will realise, that we are the better cooks!”

~ The French on Brits

Oh, don't be silly, you've not actually burnt the roast again, have you?

Brits are old yet superior Scandinavians/French/Germans/Dutch/Irish/Italians/Poles/Africans/Muslims/Indians who inhabit a small island off the coast of Wales. They are generally considered to be arrogant creatures apart from those who inhabit Britain's less famous suburb known as Wales. However, the Welsh are blissfully unaware of most things, including the fact that they are British. For some reason, all 'Merkins assume British people have terrible teeth, and are usually bewildered to discover they have shockingly good dental hygene, unlike ol' Billy-Bob-McMoonshine who only has one tooth which belongs inside a racoon.


Looking at the world map, with the prime meridian in the centre (we put it there because we invented time and we can put the line where the fuck we want to), we can see that Britain is in the centre and at the top; this is necessary to keep an eye on all you foreigners.

Britain does not suffer from huge earthquakes, volcanoes, destructive tornadoes or hurricanes, because God doesn't shit on his own garden.


The British invented everything from TVs to the aeroplane. Yes, those inbred colonials across the pond might mumble something about the so-called "Wright Brothers", but the fact is a lad called John Stringfellow was flying planes 10 years before those two hillbillies were born. The British also invented the computer, the airliner, the aircraft carrier, the steam catapult, your human rights, the steam locomotive, the match, the single piece incandescent light bulb (sorry yanks, Edison was 20 years too late), the subway train, heavy metal, any classic rock band, movies, good acting, the electric motor, wire rope, wallpaper, rifled guns, domestic electrification, domestic abuse, radar, castles, the jet engine and humour to name a few. As such the British can afford to sit back smugly and have everything else made for them.

However, the British often lay claim to inventions they did not actually invent because for some reason they see themselves as masters of all their chubby hands can reach. Tea, considered the most English of all English things, was actually stolen when the English gave vast amounts of Opium to the Chinese and ran in and stole all their tea in exchange in what was known as the 'Great Opium/Tea Heist/Boxer Rebellion'.

The claim laid by the British that they invented the Army Tank has no basis to it whatsoever. It was invented by a convict in Australia. When the convict proposed to have an "Awesome armoured vehicle of great PWNage to destroy those fackin' Nazis" and submitted designs, the British thought this a preposterous idea and went back to grooming their moustaches. The convict then gave these designs to the 'Great Convict Council' (Parliament House), who then created a model. When they submitted this to a large general of the British army with a particularly amazing moustache, the General said "The Aussie chaps have done it!" However, he ran off with model and never was seen again. The British were then seen producing these later when their moustaches told them that a large armoured vehicle was exactly what they needed.


Brits have numerous, but unimaginative dishes - some examples are "Boiled pea soup", "Boiled Potato Soup", "Boiled Spinach Soup", "Boiled Pumpkin Soup", "Boiled Water Soup", "Boiled 'boiled soup' Soup", “Boiled 'Beans on toast' Soup” and “boiled meat with boiled vegetables and brown gravy. 'Soup'”. All come with a side order of lifetime obesity, and an urge to stand in a queue.

Brown sauce aka HP Sauce or 'daddies' can kill an American. It has ginger and chilli and other exotic spicy ingredients, many of which are also healthy - this is the reason why it is fatal to Americans, who will go into shock upon eating anything remotely healthy.

Caution! British food, while practically perfect, can be exotic to the inexperienced (i.e Septic) traveller. The Americans believe there is no equivalent phrase in the British language for the French “Bon appetit”, which just shows how ignorant some people can be.

Their favorite food of all is the black spotted dick which you can find just about anywhere in England.


A typical British woman waiting for a bus in Scunthorpe.

British Women fit into three catagories: 'Ugliest Women in the World' (75%); 'The Most Beautiful Women in the World' (12%); and men dressed as woman (3%)... there is no middle ground. Most other women tend to be jealous of the class and appearance of the British female and it has to be said - who can blame them? The famous ones look like Keira Knightley, Kate Winslet, Rachel Weisz, Kate Beckinsale, Emma Watson, and Helena Bonham Carter, so it is no surprise that men worldwide are salivating over the opportunity to meet them. Unfortunately, most look like Jade Goody on a bad day or Margaret Thatcher, so care is best exercised when dating via the interwebs, or retirement homes. Or graves.


Mr. British first thing in the morning before the visit of his valet.

British men fall into two categories; gay or in the closet. The country struggles to repopulate itself as a result, although regular visits from Johnny Foreigner means that the national gene pool has been augmented over the centuries. Some notable contributors include Johnny Viking, Giovanni Eyetie and of course the bastard French. You too can help this struggling country by making a deposit! Please come over here and come over here.

Grooming is vitally important to the British man (aka Wooster), and he will typically spend up to twenty-five minutes on his daily hygiene routine, usually assisted by his manservant or valet (aka Jeeves.) A cold shower (preferably out-of-doors) is followed by a brisk rub-down with a scratchy towel and then a shave with a blunt razor. Liberal quantities of Brylcreem (a kind of hair dressing made from pig fat) are applied to the freshly-tonsured locks. The British man is then ready to be dressed, be it in the finest tweed suit or a pair of Union Jack shorts and an “I'm With Stupid” t-shirt. However, this idea of grooming is extremely new (with the exception of moustache grooming), with showers only recently being introduced into Britain; many natives distrust this new technology.


Thomas Hardy's killer moustache. Powered by tea.
Earl Kitchener's World War I soupstrainer.

Prior to the discovery of Tea (1067 AD), the Brits were pwned repeatedly for centuries by all-comers in a series of invasions. The Brit eventually came to understand the importance of a strong navy, an elite, trained army, and drinking eight cups of milky tea every day. Years of experimenting with various kinds of facial hair led eventually to the development of the military moustache, with which they successfully invaded three quarters of the Earth's surface. Since then, the Brits have been at war at one time or another with pretty much everyone leaving a trail of slaughter and despair across most of the world. Unlike the Americans though, they accomplished this with real charm and a sense of style.

Britain's most effective weapon of choice was Thomas Hardy's moustache. It is believed that this moustache could wipe out an entire legion of Roundheads with a single twitch.

Although Winston Churchill did not himself possess a moustache, historians believe that he was able to defeat Hitler just by sounding as though he could grow a beauty if he wanted to.


For years everybody in Britain had a place assigned to them at birth in the highly-regimented class system, which looked like this.

  • The Queen (or it may have been a king, or in the case of James VI, both),
  • Her posse; Lords, Dukes etc. Fabulously wealthy, lived in palaces.
  • Knights, bishops, castles and prawns. Filthy rich, lived in nice houses with double-glazing and off-street parking.(and a moped in the garage for weekday shopping trips)
  • Everybody else, no money at all, who lived in fields, hedges and ditches.

President Blair Witch I outlawed the class system in the 1980s, and “class” became a dirty word, much like “fuck” or “arsehole”. Despite these efforts, remnants of the system can be seen today. Or even “bollocks”. As of the year 2009 the class system in Britian goes:

A Brit experiencing one of the country's infamous STD's.
  • 1337s
  • The Queen.
  • Premiership footballers.
  • Reality TV presenters
  • Merchant Bankers, although not as much now.
  • The BNP
  • Chavs.
  • Normal people, still with no money.
  • [[Chelsea Fans)
  • The Young Ones
  • Manchester United fans
  • Noob Tubers
  • Cock-knees
  • Scousers
  • Uncyclopedia editors

However, due to the recent rise in power of the Barbarian Warlord; David the Snooty, the class system has become a lot more like the original feudal system, albeit with some minor differences:

  • Laura Yorke - she's pretty much been done by everyone in Britain.
  • Immigrants (Both legal and illegal) - Allowed to move from various countries and are granted giant houses, dayum-good sports cars and about £500,000 per family member.
  • The Etonian Horde (currently hold power in the small Welsh village of London)
  • Upper-class knobs who don't do anything for the country, besides sit at a computer all day pretending to work.
  • Celebs (Singers, Models, Footballers and dumb women who were on Big Brother to be precise)
  • Chavs
  • The Middle Classes, (Yep, they're still poor)
  • Livestock
  • Fearne Britton
  • Mentally Disabled Children
  • Fearne Cotton
  • Dogs
  • Dirt
  • Racists
  • Wayne Rooney
  • Jeremy Kyle (also known by his rapping name, Jezza K)
  • Bruce Forsyth (also known by his raping name, Jimmy Savile)

Be warned that different social classes speak different varieties of English. It is worth remembering that when gently asked "to step outside for a bout of fisticuffs" by a "toff", he is planning to smash your face in. When told "I'm gonna smash ur face in, bruv" you should know that whatever lowly prole is threatening you is probably sozzled and that you really, really shouldn't have called him a poof.