Geordies

“We save your ass in Waterloo and we get no thanks”
~ Royal Bear Force on Geordies

“Gizz'a fukin broown ale like'!”
~ Brian Johnson, AC/DC frontman

Queen Cheryl I of NewCAStle, Empress of the Geordies

Geordies, also known as Tyneside Playas, are a fierce Scandinavian tribe from the Kingdom of Newcastle, who harassed the remnants of the Roman Empire in 1972. As seen on Auf Wiedersehn, Pet, the folk of Newcastle, are distinct from the Cockernees, Brummies, Scousers, Mancs (slightly), Weegies, Norfolkers, Smoggies, Woolybacks, East Anglaliens, and Kalahari. They also like to think that they are distinct from the Mackems, Tykes and the Inglis of Lowland Scotland. They are often considered the English equivalents of those residing in the American state of New Jersey as both have nature television programmes showing their behaviour in the wild.

Geordies can fly, perform millions of calculations per second, and eat pasties for breakfast. Many Geordies can also communicate with the dead. It is simply their ability to communicate with the living that is in doubt.

Prerequisites[edit]

A typical looking Geordie, as seen in page 100 of this unknown book, according to Gabry Ponte.

Have more alcohol in their blood than blood
Are fluent in talking shite and bragging they built HADRIANS wall, when it was really the Italians
Have artwork of Sid the Sexist on their wall...as they are all young hearted...or jist daft man
Regard Cheryl Cole as the return of the messiah
Have been to at least two football matches and one football riot, and have punched a police horse
Have memorised all the managers of Newcastle since its founding and believe that the 'local side' are a top Premiere League team
Have a qualification for naaing all aboot the toon
Live a life of beer, tabs, wacky backy, and celibacy
Be able to speak Geordie fluently (although no one outside would be able to verify this)
Imagine that the only true drinks in the whole world are Newcastle Brown Ale and Vaux Double Maxim
Think that a Greggs pastie is haute cuisine
Have at least a dozen of your family living within 1/2 a mile of you, and sometimes in the same house
Be able to flare your nostrils to the extent that they become triangular (females only for purposes of breathing fire)
They must have been hung with a gold chain, which rarely happens to people, for stealing six deers in a king's park for money.
And lastly survive the freezing temperatures of the Arctic wearing only football shorts(men) or belts and high heels (women)

Warrior culture among Geordie males[edit]

The brick is revered as an elegant and deeply spiritual weapon throughout the world; but no culture is more deeply intertwined with this mysterious artifact than that of the Geordies. The Geordie Berhydes Berserks are taught over many decades to perfect their brick throwing technique; which in special cases can result in almost supernatural abilities. Tapestries of a Geordie warrior poet in the 16th Century tell the tales of "Gaz", who could throw a brick through the wall of a castle (which would keep going and smash a southern noble in the 'heed'). More recently, Geordies were employed as field surgeons in WWI; their ability to perform intricate neurosurgery with nothing more than half a breeze block are considered to be a major factor in the Allied victory.

The American military has yet to devise a tank capable of defeating a really drunk Geordie. There are currently high hopes for the "Fucking yeah! Freedom War Machine, Praise Jesus!" Mk.II, and if initial tests run smoothly the technology will be sold to the critically ill-equipped Newcastle Police Force.

Language[edit]

Also called Geordie, this is an ancient language shared with Jesus Christ AKA Alan Shearer, Mr T and the Jedi Knights.

Origins[edit]

For more information see Ald Englisc

Geordie is derived from the Geordies' old Ancient Germanic tongue but it has influences from Trollish, Hebrew, Elvish and Swearing. The language was developed by Jesus Thunor Wodenson Christ when he worked in the spice mines of outer Mongolia (known at the time as either Dune or Kessel), to describe the experiences of working the streets at night. Despite this, it has become universally recognised as the language of love, and was the language employed by Lord Vader, a native of Jarrow, in all of his most romantic poems about Donald Trump. Sadly, these have all been translated into English, and the originals have been lost. Scholars are known to have wept for days on reading some of his more poignant metaphors.

He walks in baldness, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies;

And all that's best of dark and bright

Meet in his aspect and his balding head:

Thus mellowed to that tender light

Which heaven to gaudy day denies

Canny comb over liiiiiiiiiiiike.

Spoken Geordie[edit]

True (or low) Geordie is rarely, if ever, spoken by one who is not a native of Newcastle. A notable exception being the complete cast of Ramsey Street. Only a chosen few non Geordies are allowed to speak the language after many years of personal tuition by Jesus Christ AKA Alan Shearer. It is known that Princess Diana was one of the few non-native Geordie speakers of the 20th Century. If a person is caught speaking Geordie without a licence, Mr T and the Jedi Knights are authorised to use lethal force to stop them. After Vader's first public reading of He Walks in Beauty, grown men were seen to fall into tears, as they tried to comprehend the beauty of the words, combined with Vader's harsh, rattling voice and pauses to cough out black phlegm.

One particularly amazing quality of the Geordie language is the ability of fluent speakers to have a conversation lasting several minutes without actually exchanging any information (See vocabulary section). It is currently theorized that this is the origin of small-talk in the western world – though the more accurate standard-English translation is "fukin shite man".

Written Geordie[edit]

As mentioned above, several poets and writers have written in Geordie, finding its subtleties ideal for delicate romantic prose. Shakespeare wrote his tragedies in Geordie, to add an extra shade of bittersweet longing to his work. Take for example this scene from Romeo and Juliet, considered one of the most famous love scenes in the English language:

But soft!

What light through yonder broken window?

It is the East and Jules is the sun!

Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon.

It is the east, and Jules is the sun

Fancy a swift knee-tremble in the car-park, hinney?

Yes, thats it, left a bit, there we go!!

Some vocabulary[edit]

Ah man! That really hurt me knee, man, woman, man! - Here we see the Geordie inability to address a woman without using the word 'man'. In-depth physiological research does, however, indicate that this is because the two genders from the Geordie region are, in fact indistinguishable.
Whey aye, man! - Yes, of course.
Haddaway an' shite, man! - Don't talk nonsense, Newcastle United/Sunderland are not a second rate, broke football team.
Wor'/Weh - Ours, commonly used to mean "mine".
Ya bugga! - You homosexual, friend, husband, co-worker, employer, employee, football player, pit foreman, casual acquaintance, tax inspector, children's television presenter, drinking partner, judge, Chancellor of the Exchequer, pieman, barber, dentist, foreigner, neighbour, uncle, tennis instructor, nephew, lion tamer, web-designer, telephone sanitizer, pilot, fashion designer, weaver, superhero, council worker, singer, novelist, mother-in-law, stand-up comedian, Mick Jagger, Scotsman, Welsher, milkman, afgan, member of parliament, gas man, social worker, teacher, plumber, plasterer, electrician, politician, newsreader, the BBC, Alan Hansen.
Monkey-hanger - A native of Hartlepool.
Smoggies|Smoggie/Smog Monster - A native of Teesside
Mackem - A native of Wearside
Haway man! - Lit. "Come on!" but can mean, when used at a football match, "How the fuck can that possibly be offside, there are at least three defenders keeping him on! And Luque is a lazy Iberian cunt, I should say".

Etymology[edit]

There are many theories regarding origin of the word "Geordie" . Several theories have been proposed by desperate etymologisers hoping to impress bored and desperate etymologotrices at boring parties, but these are all known to be piss.

Some of the more popular, but still wrong, theories are:

The word comes from Gar ("spear") and Diegan ("die"); the Geordies were well know warriors who loved to kill with spears.
All Geordies worship their violent, sport obsessed God, Geordie LaForge, and took the name from him.
Geordies are all ex-lovers of King Geordie Ramon, Il Diablo of Guernsey.
The skin of Geordies resembles the pastry of pies made by the famous pieman Geordie Pordy, Pudding and Pie.
It is derived from the English phrase for under-dressed, Gee, you'll die, which was corrupted into Gee or die and then just Geordie.

Predators[edit]

The feral badger was the chief predator of the Geordies, as it used their pelts to line its nest. Since feral badgers became extinct for failing to pay their electricity bills, Geordies have had until recently no natural enemies and have been multiplying at record rates. Without a cull, experts believe they may extend their range as far as Alnwick.

Cornish pasties; while insufficient to repel a Geordie, as they will consume thousands of Greggs pasties a year, are so delicious you simply won't care about them tearing your legs off to get to the food.