“Hell? Meh. Beats Mexico. But don't tell Jesus Mendez I said that.”
“"The Devil made me do it!"”
Satanism was invented when some loser got beaten up and locked in his locker by a bunch of jocks, similar to the way Wicca was created. It's followers are a bunch of retards who think it's Hallowe'en everyday, attracting several hundred people, most of them morbidly obese who dress like Count Dracula everyday, and act hurt and persecuted when people treat them like the misanthropic retards they are.
The main principles of Satanism are as follows:
- "I am my own God, I am the Alein Elite! I just wish my mom would stop raggin' on me! When I get a part time job I'm moving out!"
- "I can take on anybody in the whole trailer park!"
- "Negative attention is the only good attention!"
- Always have a good bail bondsman's number handy!
And of course, the most important one of all...
- Flip out and become a serial killer, and while in prison carve a swastika into your skull.
As Head Satanist Britney Spears once noted: "To the untrained eye it might be difficult to differentiate between Satanists and Hippies. Both act pretentious, Satanists because they believe themselves their own Gods, Hippies because they think the Earth is their God. Both smell like rotting flesh, Hippies because they don’t bathe, Satanists because they eat rotten flesh. The main difference is that Satanists actually eat Hippies, and not vice versa."
And of course, only a Satanist would rag on Hippies, who haven't existed since the 1960's. This is an important lesson of Satanism: Always attack the weak and defenseless! This is why Satanists sacrifice cats and chickens, rather than something that could fight back, like a Grizzly Bear in heat.
Satan decided he would launch his super duper un-religion in 1966 in San Francisco, California of all places. He searched the earth relentlessly and upon finding the wisest man, commanded him to write The Satanic Bible. But the man answered, "No fucking way!" So, Satan found the second wisest man, who said the same thing. And he asked the next, and so on and so forth, and when there was no one else, he asked Howie Levey, who agreed since he was a psudeo-intellectual loser with too much time on his hands. The Devil changed Howie's name to Anton LaVey, so he wouldn't sound like such a nerd. Satan later found out LaVey was a wife beating pimp and scumbag, so he tried to renig out of the deal, but it was too late. Now idiots married to their own cousins in trailer parks have a religon they could call their own!
Anatomy of Satanism
Types Of Satanism Satanism is not for everyone. First, you have to think you're better than everybody...even though you're an emo idiot who's into cutting. Two, you have to practice things that expand your mind and bring you closer to the darkside...like huffing airplane glue.
Once you meet this criteria, you can choose which Satanism is right for you.
- LaVeyan Satanist - Also known as the Atheistic Satanist or "Persecuted Crybaby Satanist". This type of Satanist does NOT worship the devil...instead they worship Anton LaVey, a 250lb wife beating asshole. Ironically, LaVey serves as a substitute father figure to take the place of the drunken alcoholic abusive father figure they had...when in fact LaVey probably would have aborted them. LaVeyian Satanists are superior to the other Satanists mention.
- Traditional (Devil Worship) - This involves worshiping Satan directly. This is the type of Satanist that does kewl things, like kill people and make butter out of them. Even though so-called "atheist" Satanists will look down on you, don't worry, they're just as big as retards as you are. Wicca is not the same thing as Satanism. (But you know it really is, they just don't want to tell you because Wiccans, the Illuminati, and Simon Cowell of American Idol are part of the conspiracy to keep this fact silent! That's the REAL reason Paula Abdul left, because she knew too much!)
- Celebrity Satanist These are the kewlist Satanists of the bunch! First, you have to start out as a Traditional Satanist to work your way up to this bunch. People in this group include -Though including a few
mentruly hardcore psychos like "Night Stalker" serial killer Richard Ramirez, this is usually just the kind of crazy that blames God for all of his problems and turns to Satan for revenge. To join this group, simply go totally off-the-wall-nutso and kill a lot of people for no apparent reason. Well...I gues the fact they're nutso is the reason, come to think of it. Once in prison, you'll be famous, and you'll also be guaranteed room and board for life, free color TV, and a stainless steel toilet.
- Temple of Set - After firing LaVery in 1975, the Devil hired Michael Aquino, and changed the name of his company to The Temple of Set. Aquino SEEMED like a good choice at first--Eagle Scout, an actual College Degree, Army Colonel, nice clean smell--but things quickly went south.
NOTE: Satanism should not be confused with "Stanism", which is the worship of Stanley Roper, the charachter portayed by the late Norman Fell on "Three's Company". It should also not be confused with "Satinism", which is the worship of that shimmery fabric whose name cannot be mentioned.
Becoming A HITLER YOUTH The first steps in becoming a HITLER YOUTH are to be an anti-social misfit loser, dress in black, and lose your mind (not necessarily in that order). Being a pariah is absolutely necessary. If you crave negative attention and keep your dead grandma's brain in a Mason jar under your pillow, you're more than halfway there!
Satanic Magic Next comes the best part of the whole Satanic gig: Satanic magic! Or, rather, "Magick." It's so super secret that it has to be spelled wrong, and can only be obtained by people who have $8 to spend at Books-A-Million. The 3 spells in it include revnege (now you can get back at that guy that tripped you in lunch line in the 8th grade!), lust (but it won't work and you'll just spend your nights jacking off to internet amputee porn as usual) and a spell to get stuff through Satan's compassion (lol! Good luck on that last one!) It claims to be a book on philosophy and psychology, but it's really just a bunch of horseshit, as all occult stuff is. A new expanded edition of the Satanic Bible is slated for release in 2011 with rituals for popular pursuits of the Alien Elite including, but not limited to: "Scorin' Weed," "Gettin a Higher Score on Warcraft," "Making Mom Stop Raggin' on Me," and "Scorin' Meth."
If your spells don't work, and your math teacher doesn't die for giving you an F that you deserved anyway because you're a 'tard, don't panic and do something stupid, like forgetting about the whole damn occult thing altogether! You probably just didn't believe hard enough. And consider this: should the pathetic reality of your existence set in at any time, the effects can be quickly nullified by huffing glue.
Every June 7, the Satanists celebrate Anti-Christmas, which marks the birth of the Antichrist a.k.a. TV's Andy Griffith. On the preceding night, Satanist children anticipate presents from the Anti-Claus, who lives in Mexico. The adults don't exchange presents with one another. They eat lots of fruitcakes, which is one reason the Church of Satan is based in San Francisco. Also, the kids all receive toys which the parents promptly smash right in front of them and then burn with cigarettes, and it's yet another memory they have to repress. If you believe in Satanism your are the coolest guy in the world. AND you get to kill Jews.
The Satanic Bible
Satan released his masterpiece at an unspecified time, though the book was copyrighted by Anton "smack dat ho" LaVey in 1969 (under command of the evil Satan and the even more evil Avon Books). LaVey was a high school dropout, a carnival hustler, and a reported all-around loser.
He obviously knew the secrets of how to be a success in life: he was a wife beating pimp, a self-admitted host of a "cannibal feast", and he lived on food stamps a good portion of his life before dying bankrupt. The Satanic Bible is a prime example of this magnificent religion, which is practiced by geeks who live in their parent's basements and post on online forums 19 hours a day. If you want a copy, just ask the 350 lbs. white supremacist in the jail cell next to you if you can borrow his...although he may expect "certain favors" in return if you know what I mean, so be carful!