Bestiality
“Tie me kangaroo down, Sport, tie me kangaroo down. That's it. And now get me that vaseline over there on the table.”
Bestiality is an extremely popular pastime whereby a man, woman, or child indulges in consensual sex with a horny and willing animal, often leading to marriage. It was invented in 1837 by Sir Thomas GoatFuck and is legal in most States of America, the one exception being Alabama where the only sexual activity permitted by law is incest.
Bestiality was first made famous by The Beastie Boys who dedicated their entire lives to rapping about the joys of inter-species relationships. Their hit song was 'I want to ram a ram'. This can be a problem as rams get horny. They have horns on their heads and they use their horns to defend themselves against unwanted relationships. So never try face to face anything with a horny sheep. Rams prefer ewes to you. They like female sheep better than humans. In any case the hit song became a huge success across the globe and in many ways was considered the catalyst that was to trigger a worldwide explosion of human-animal intercourse. And whilst Australians find it hilarious to suggest their Kiwi cousins engage in sex with sheep, the statistics tell a different story, with bestiality rates in Australia almost twice that of New Zealand per 1,000 population.
Sexual Attraction To Animals[edit]
For most, sexual attraction to animals begins around age 1 and hits its peak around the ages of 8-12, when children's cartoons are on. Who can honestly with hand on heart say they haven't furiously banged one out over Bugs Bunny or Scooby Doo in their younger years?
Indeed, many subliminal references to animal sex have been subtly placed in popular children's nursery rhymes by evil bastards (in other words, The Chuckle Brothers) intent on taking over the world and turning our kids into a bunch of horny raving zoophiles. It is speculated that this sinister indoctrination from an early age is directly responsible for the rapid increase in popularity of Bestiality we see today.
Some examples of these are "Nick nack paddy wack, give a dog a bone", "Mary had a little lamb", and "Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, All the kings horses and all the kings men, went and screwed each other senseless in the world's biggest animal-human orgy in the whole of history" (taken from the 1994 revised edition)
Jeff Fredrickson had sex with his dog bitch.
Attraction to animals usually continues at a steady pace as life goes on, with many men in their twenties owning up to having 'shagged a pig' or 'pulled some old moose' after a heavy night on the town, and some even confessing to 'marrying a complete dog'. There is a well-known saying "Life's a bitch and then you marry one", in recognition of the many marriages between humans and dogs.
The Legality of Bestiality[edit]
As part of his new Labor Manifesto in 1997 BC, His Royal Majesty Tony Blair (aka 'cunt') made it a requirement for all schools to teach animal sex education in classes. However some human rights groups expressed concern when in 1999 he went one step further, seeking new legislation which would effectively make Bestiality compulsory, and also make it illegal to have sex with another human. When asked to comment on this, Mr Blair simply said 'I make the rules, not you, now fuck off'
Indeed in some third-world countries such as Wales, sex with animals and cockhound dogs is not only legal but greatly encouraged so as to prevent certain species from extinction. However there are growing fears that certain animals are being favoured above others (ie sheep), and this is leading to a radical imbalance in the country's animal population.
The President of Wales Tom Jones recently said in a statement, 'I know sheep are sexy but for fucks sake can you try having it off with something else for a change, the fucking things are taking over' in relation to the Great Sheep Over-Population Crisis of 1912. No one listened or cared.
It is said in the holiest of holys that Danny Gonzalez of Santa Ana, California once fucked a Dodo bird. Or was it just the carcass of?
Famous Animal Lovers[edit]
Throughout the last century, history has been littered with people from all walks of life who like nothing more than to get down and get busy with members of another species. Notably, many of these people have been celebrities.
The ridiculous Australian paedophile Rolf Harris is infamous not only for his well-documented adventures with the 'two little boys' but also his many perverted escapades with animals, most notably 'Animal Hospital' where he is given free reign to perform questionable acts on a variety of captive and helpless animals, even going so far as to film the whole thing for the entire world to see, the dirty old perv.
But he is perhaps best remembered for being the first person to successfully impregnate and subsequently produce offspring from an animal, after tying a kangaroo down. Can y'guess what it was yit? That fucking Rolfaroo of course.
Almost as famous for his antics with those of another species is Terry Nutkins, who is composed entirely of a chocolate orange and some small testicles. He and fellow rapist Chris Packham (who gets his name from being a known fudge-packer) and asexual lesbian Michaela Strachan got together once a week to make a programme called The Really Wild Show where they kidnapped various animals at gunpoint and had really wild sex with them, until one or more of the participants passed out and they would then go to commercials.
Other celebrities with a penchant for non-human loving include Sir Cliff Richard (aka 'the world's biggest twat' as voted for by readers of Time magazine every year ever) with his remarkable resume' of sexual acts with all manner of creatures great and small (mostly small to accommodate his tiny penis), Phillip Schofield and Gordon the Gopher, The Queen and her Corgis, and Your Mom and literally any creature with a pulse (and sometimes even that is not necessary).
Although in the west the death penalty is not sentenced to those sick twisted individuals who do it. There is a better solution that should be used. In an ideal society you should either have them put in an asylum for their obviously insane acts or death by lions in an arena just like roman deathsport. The irony would be so funny.
Bestiality in the Media[edit]
Keen to capitalize on the new craze that was sweeping the world and also to make a shitload of money, the popular topic of humans with animals was seized upon by various media institutions who thought it was be a very appropriate idea to include content in their programmes related to Bestiality. Some even went as far as producing their own fictional soap operas and other programmes in which human/animal loving was the recurring theme.
'The Horny Sheep' was a cartoon about a gay sheep called Nigger who went round various public establishments and brothels in his quest to get laid. In each episode he always had many amusing obstacles to overcome but always succeeded and got a good seeing-to by the end of the show.
Over the course of several serieses (serieses? That's not the right word is it?! What IS the right word for that??? Oh, fuck it), Nigger managed to get his end away with some of the finest pieces of man-meat in show-business, including Terry Wogan, Terry Wogan (again), Terry Wogan (again), Jonathan Ross, and Postman Pat to name but a few.
The show made a permanent imprint in the psyche of children in the 80's, mostly thanks to its well-known catchphrase: 'Which one of you bitches want some Nigger cock?'. This was warmly received by many politically correct twats who saw nothing offensive or unsavoury whatsoever above it.
A movie titled The Men Who Stare at Goats was released in 2009, documenting bestiality within the locker room of the St. Louis Rams. It starred (the aptly-named) Marc Bulger, whose Goa Tse scene with Victor the goat (from Ed, Edd n Eddy) and a Rams football helmet garnered the movie six Oscars and three AVN awards.
Other instances of media coverage of animal sex include The News At Ten, where Sir Trevor McDonald (the man who invented McDonalds) had a ritual of ending the programme each night with the words: "And that's the news at ten. Goodnight, I'm now off to go and screw a horse until it bleeds". Unfortunately he never actually allowed this act to be filmed, much to the dismay of his 10.7 billion viewers who complained day and night.
Recently, a porn parody of "Dunston Checks In" has recently become a worldwide hit, even though it is illegal as hell. Pokemon trainer, Ash, directed this after his failure to make a porn parody of that Richard Pryor movie, "The Toy". The movie has many of the same plot elements (like you'd know the plot, judging if you have seen it or not!), but has a lot of monkey sex and a lot of monkey sex (felt like saying that again, I'm definite you'd understand this action). The movie even has Jason Alexander, who was in the movie in
Due to the success of the movie, the U.N. are contemplating on making monkey sex an exception to bestiality.
Why Bestiality is Best[edit]
Well first of all it feels really good, my dog likes it and my husband doesn't please me enough :)
Here are the top ten reasons why Bestiality is the right choice to make when considering a sexual partner:
11. Animals are always consensual, never have to worry about rape charges.
10. It is incompletely legal (aka 'differently' legal: the politically correct definition might vary in different countries).
9. You can't catch STDs (unless you're screwing an AIDS-ridden bonobo or cat: yes, they can have it!).
8. You won't get pregnant, if you're a woman (unless you're a Minoan queen and you're getting at it with a bull).
7. You won't get pregnant, if you're a man (unless you're Ahnold Schwarzenafroamerecan).
6. Animals have no Mother-In-Law (humans do though - and as the M.I.L. defined as the mother of your partner, well, even animals have mothers, so you'll be having a non-human M.I.L. : yes, M.I.L.s are beasts).
5. No need for expensive gifts (really? Have you checked the cost of cat food lately?)
4. No need for chat-up lines, having money, or pretending to be cool (really? See above).
3. It doesn't matter it you haven't showered or shaved and you smell like shit (actually this could be a problem, as the more you stink the more you will attract numerous animal partners, and this could lead to jealousy-related accidents, which aren't nice if your jealous partner is a panther or a tiger).
2. If you are particularly ugly, you won't need to rely on Orange sherbet any more to get laid.
1. Everyone does it.
Yes, I mean everyone does it.
Yes, even Your Mom. You know she does, because she is a filthy ho. Why are you looking at me like that?! How do you think YOU were made?!
See Also[edit]
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