From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Helen Mirren?
The carpet does not match the drapes.

What was that young man? GILF? No my name is Gertrude. How’s that again? No, it's G-E-R-T-R-U-D-E.

You think I’m a GILF? What in the world is something like that? You say that you think that I am a "Grandmother that I would Like to Fornicate with? In my day, we’d say that you were a fresh man with a mouth like that. Would it just be simpler to say that you would like to go all of the way with me instead? "All of the way", as in having sex? You silly man!

My little man[edit]

Thank you sonny for helping a foxy old lady like me cross the street. You know that since I have entered my senior years it seems like the whole world has become a very fast, racy place you might say. Leaves a person to have to stop every now and then and catch their breath.

What was that? Let me turn up my Beltones. Why yes, it would be nice to enter this establishment to sit down and cool off. I am so hot today, my skin is simply glistening in this humidity!

Beg your pardon[edit]

Why yes, you could say that my creamy white breasts are rising and falling, they do that when I breathe. But I can tell that you like what you see. It’s been a very long time since I have had a young man of college age look at me in the fashion that you are at this moment. I guess you could say that I was quite the head turner in my prime.

Thank you waiter, could you put this cane of mine somewhere out of the way?

How’s that? You think I still am hot? Nonsense - why would a virile young man like yourself feel like teasing an older, but knowledgeable old woman like me? I bet that you are just beating young, nubile girls, on the verge of budding womanhood, off with a stick.

Now you really don’t have to – I doubt that you are old enough to pay for a glass of sherry, but my underwater aerobics class isn’t for another two hours so I guess I could indulge in a nip or two.

My shoes? They are orthopedic oxfords. I agree that those bone colored ones with the Velcro fasteners are gay.

Now you must STOP! Why, you are my granddaughter's age! It has been a long time since a man has held my hand, in friendship of course. And such a strong hand at that! Why don’t you slide over closer so we can talk in a more private fashion.

Oh dear! I seem to have dropped my Kleenex and it has fallen under the table. No you needn’t dig around there, I have another one in my brassiere strap. Well if you insist! Oh, heavens, it's dark down there isn’t it – well you just have to feel around until you…

Heavens! I don’t think it's there! What was that? You just want a quick bite to eat? You naughty, naughty…talented young man. That’s it…in circles, oh my! Oh, dear! Oh, my…oh no waiter. I’m simply relaxing and thinking about the British Empire! Oh, yes, I’m in need of some water, thank you.

Here, wipe your face. You are a very naughty, tender caring young man. You shouldn’t have done that, but I would like to return the favor. Are you sure? Why of course I would love to see your “pad” now that you have seen mine. That’s what we called it in my day!

Do you have anything that I can put my teeth into whilst we do it?

This can be nothing more than what it is...[edit]

You need to understand that this will be all that it is and nothing more. When I leave you, spent in your bed, I may need help to get out of the bed with this bursitis of mine. But promise me that if you speak of this later in life, and I know that you will, they all do, yes indeedy, people sure do talk - where was I? Oh, yes, when you talk about this, please be kind.

And before we go, remember that you’ll need to ask the waiter to retrieve my dentures for me…

See also[edit]