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“Without a doubt, the greatest scientific journey mankind has ever embarked upon.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Proctology

“Mankind has but one true goal: to make them frighteningly large.”

~ Pythagoras on ejaculation probes

Proctology has a name & it's Bubba!”

~ The Warden of Attica

Mathematician ~ Homohumanitarian ~ Sugar Daddy. Pythagoras: The Father of Proctology

Proctology is the branch of science encompassing the exploration and charting of deep crevasses, abysses, fissures, caverns, chasms, gorges, holes, pits, voids, folds, and flaps.


An initial sketch of the theoretical geometric proctological ideal.

Proctology, like many other modern scientific disciplines can trace its roots back to ancient Greece. It began, rather humbly, with pairs of friends exchanging impromptu examinations with the tools at hand.

Lacking any tools, they used their hands.

The practice achieved formal and widespread acceptance in the 400's BC when Pythagoras made subtle alterations and claimed himself as its inventor. He devised a system whereby three individuals could form a triangle, with each participant examining the others simultaneously. This improved theoretical temporal efficiency threefold.

As evidenced by his subsequent influence on mathematical theory, Pythagoras' obsession with three-ways was destined for the history books.

Modern Tools & Technologies[edit]

George W. Bush displays the tool for a digital self-exam in a recent press conference on behalf of the National Association of Registered Proctologists.

Modern proctologists do still, at times, use their hands for proctological exploration, though the process has made enormous strides forward with the advent of digital technology.

Depending upon the size of the region in question, a variety of equipment may be used:

Small Crevasses within Narrow Geographical Masses[edit]

Also known as the Callista Flockhart-class. The recommended tools are:

  • Electron microscope
  • Tweezers
  • X-ray
  • Nanobots

Normal-sized Crevasses within Normal-sized but Otherwise Abnormal Geographical Masses[edit]

Also known as the Kate Moss-class. The following are suggested:

  • Anesthesia by use of controlled substances
  • Conventional digital exploratory techniques
A plumber's snake: Excellent for those 'hard to reach' places.

Abormally Large Crevasses within Normal-sized Geographical Masses[edit]

Also nicknamed the Oscar Wilde-class. Try these tools on for size:

  • Plumber's snake, 15 - 50 feet
  • Augur
  • Scuba gear
  • Anesthesia is usually not requested, and is sometimes vehemently refused if offered

Titanically Large Crevasses within Gigantic Geographical Masses[edit]

For Oprah-class explorations:

  • Anesthesia not required due to sufficient clearances
  • Multi-stage rockets
  • Use of submarines, bathyspheres, and other heavy-walled and pressure-resistant vessels. [1]
  • ROV - Remotely Operated Vehicles [2]

Famous proctologists[edit]

  • Pythagoras - The father of modern proctology, and the grandfather of the lubricated potato.
  • Jacques Cousteau - Pioneered the use of submarines in this approach.
  • Wernher von Braun - Fired the imaginations of a generation when he suggested landing arseholes on the moon.
  • George W. Bush - Millions of Americans instantly associate his name with that special place.
  • George Michael - Not a professional, but a talented amateur who makes house calls, and is famous for his public outreach campaigns.
  • Hillary Clinton - One of the few women considered to be as adept in dealing with assholes as her male counterparts.
  • Kramer of Seinfeld - Thou doth protest too much, sir!
  • Oscar Wilde - Thou might have tried to protest, at least a little.
  • Chief of Airport Security - As you're bound to find out, sooner or later.
  • Bubba - An inmate at Attica who, at 6'8, is the first ever certified prison Proctologist active serving on Death Row for killing hundreds of pricks with his own "Flesh Pen"!

“Oooh! Oooh! Do-over! (ahem) ...I wish to withdraw my earlier assertion.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Proctology


  1. KY® Jelly and a signed waiver recommended.
  2. Alkaline batteries required, and sold separately. Prolonged exposure to conditions of excessive heat and humidity without scheduled maintenance voids any and all warranty, except as applicable in your State or Province. Check your local listings.

See also[edit]