Michael Richards
| Michael Richards | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Born | July 24, 1949, pre-Civil Rights Era Fork, Alabama |
| Nationality | White |
| Occupation | Your typical Hollywood actor, who's "not really racist" |
| Known for | Not quite talented enough to pull off racial satire like Lenny Bruce and Howard Stern, and is more like circus acts such as Bill O'Reilly and Adam Carolla |
| Religion | Hindu |
“So what's the deal with Kramer?”
Michael "That Nigger Guy" Richards (born July 24, 1949) is a well-respected American actor, comedian, performance art satirist of Hollywood nightclubs filled with Hollywood industry people, and amateur anthropologist who is standing behind you right now with a pitchfork and noose. He is also known for being a racist, and is thus not so different than you, me, and every comedian that's ever lived on this planet. We'd all get along pretty well, actually. Except, I'm not really racist, nor a comedian. But as a particularly American comedian, Richards believes himself to be hilarious, yet he sometimes falls shorter than a quadriplegic without arms can throw a baseball like his friend, George Costanza. He is most well known for his role as Kosmo K. Kramer on the sitcom Seinfeld and has since continued his success, if not becoming more famous for his roles in "Kentucky Fried Niggers" and his directoral debut in House Of 1,000 Niggers, the latter which earned over $10 at the box office (the three people who saw the film were a Neo-Nazi skinhead, a Klansman, and Jerry Seinfeld, who continued to make stupid excuses for Richards' behavior the whole time he watched the film).
Richards formerly worked as a airplane-mechanic in Tulsa, Oklahoma with someone resembling the real Indiana Jones, and later battled Jones in a debate concerning the "Gunning-Down of Innocent (Hollywood) African-Americans."
Early life[edit]
Michael Richards spent the first 14 years of his life literally digging himself out of his first home, which was among a race of subhuman mole-people in Culver City, California. His brief life with the moles gave him an extraordinary sense of smell, as well as an ability to see through peoples' souls. He found his way to the surface by following the scent of a captured mole-brother of his, whom was being held captive by the US government in a secret bunker inside the confines of Area 51.
Once at the surface, he was adopted by a family of raccoons, who knew that a boy of his age needed some education, so they sent him to the Devon School in New Hampshire. There, he gained a roommate named Phineas, who was by far the best athlete in the school.
Despite the obvious differences between the two, they became the best of friends, and one day, since they had nothing better to do than risk their lives, decided to jump off a tree into a river.
Unfortunately, Phineas lost his balance on the branch, and fell onto the riverbank, shattering one of his legs. The river flooded, and began to carry Finny downstream. Young Michael knew he needed to save his friend, as the river flowed directly to Boo Radley's house, who had been known to capture and devour teenage boys alive, after luring them into his lair by means of hypnotism. It was about this time that a butterfly fluttered past Richards' head, and so he became distracted, convinced that he must catch the precious insect, and thus forgot all about saving his doomed friend. Finny was never seen again, but that night it was reported that extremely inhumane-sounding shrieks and clucking noises were heard around the vicinity of Boo Radley's mansion.
A few weeks later, he was in a police holding cell being interrogated about Finny's disappearance when one of the law enforcers (who happened to be black) tripped and smashed his face on the corner of the desk, successfully breaking his nose and jaw, and messily severing his left eye. In the far corner of the room, a police official snickered to himself as the injured man screamed and writhed on the floor, staining the carpet a sickly shade of red. Richards saw the man smirking and decided that he wanted to grow up and make everyone feel as happy as that man was. He would become a comedian. (The injured man later died from infection after a shard of one of his teeth impaled his good eye)
Career[edit]
Once out of school, Richards' enormous height and potent usage of racial slurs gave him a huge advantage over his enemies. Of course, except for blacks. This made him mad. In fact, one night during a very competitive basketball league game against their rivals, Richards' team was down by two points with seven seconds left. Rchards got ball control and made a last-second three-point shot that would have made it in, if it weren't blocked by the biggest, blackest man on the other team. Richards was so infuriated that after the game when the man offered his hand in friendship and told him "Good game," Richards bit off three of his fingers and pushed him down a flight of stairs.
Despite this being rude and in quite poor taste, people found it hilarious and soon a TV producer had requested him to be a character on the show "Seinfeld." The sitcom became extremely popular and ran for nine seasons and sparked the Communist revolution in Venezuela.
Anthropology scandal[edit]
In November 2006, Richards posited that African-Americans were the missing link between Homo sapiens sapiens and their simian ancestors. This theory was met with much debate, mostly because Richards voiced it onstage at The Laugh Factory comedy club.
Several anthropologists in the audience countered Richards' theory by discounting his academic credentials and calling him a "cracker-ass motherfucker."
Ignoring these ad-hominem attacks, Richards called his transitional fossil species Homo sapiens niggers, and explained that their chief cause of death according to the fossil record was a fork up the ass.
To popularize his discovery, Richards went on to perform stand-up in Compton, California, home of legendary gangsta rap group NWA, and began shouting "Nigger," lit fire to a cross, and lynched several blacks before going on a drive-by shooting spree spanning all the way to New Orleans, where he taunted black Hurricane Katrina victims living in The Superdome, while beating their infants to death with Neo-Nazi Doc Martin boots.
Apology[edit]
Richards apologized for this incident on The David Letterman Show a few days and a few stand up acts later when the guilt finally caught up with him. He and Jerry Seinfeld both stressed that the apology had nothing to do with him getting caught and the video spreading on YouTube, nor did it have anything at all to do with the Season 7 of Seinfeld DVD release date right around the corner.
When Letterman asked "were the Niggers heckling you, or where they just displaying TNB (Typical Negro Behavior) and being loud on their cell phones?" Richards responded "Um....I'm not racist, that's what's so crazy about all this...I'm actually Hindu, so I can't be racist. Neither of my parents are Hindu and they didn't convert, but...I'm just not that funny and couldn't think of anything better to say...please don't let my career die, I was just about to host a grand opening of an Olive Garden in Kaysville, Utah! I was goin' places! I WAS GOIN' PLACES, JERRY! DAMN YOU!"
In the 2008 United States Presidential Election, Richards endorsed "black" Democratic candidate Barack Obama. Richards stated his decision was made because Obama was the first "clean, intelligent, non-nigger like nigger" he had ever seen. Some believe this decision stems from the murder of Richards' wife by a Klu Klux Klan leader of Oklahoma in an initiation gone wrong.
In 2009 Richards appeared in Curb Your Enthusiasm and made fun of his situation by flipping out on another negro African-American black person of color in an episode, thanks to fellow "non-racist," Larry David.
In 2010, Richards revealed that he and Mel Gibson would be in Lethal Weapon 5. Richards replaced Danny Glover after making racist comments in Glover's face, while claiming that Glover was a member of the all-black chapter of Bohemian Grove. The unknown director of this movie laughed so hard at these comments that he kicked Glover out of the movie and replaced him with Richards. Gibson and Richards will play cops who kill people from different races, blacks and Jews included, by spouting racist remarks at a high-decibel range. Glover is rumored to be returning as one-half of the antagonists along with Richards' former co-star, Jerry Seinfeld.
| Preceded by: Mel Gibson |
World's Biggest Racist 2007 |
Succeeded by: Adam Carolla |