Howard Stern

ALERT! Image of Howard Stern censored by order of the FCC. If you currently access your internet using satellite internet, please contact your service provider in regards to this misunderstanding.

Howard Allan Stern (born January 12, 1952), the self-proclaimed The King of All Media, is a financially successful American radio bull on Sirius XM who is now the highest-paid entertainer in show business history. Stern claims to have predicted the sexual revolution and basks in it instead of Hugh Hefner, comedy instead of everybody else, and is now working hard to become The Bill Gates of Radio. He is a comedy and radio legend who successfully offended every group of people for millions of dollars, while the FCC fined him millions during his career for no reason whatsoever, other than their jealousy of Stern running over every media outlet with his "shock jock" humor. Many consider him the antichrist of entertainment.

Beginnings (Nice and Neat)

Howard Stern was born to Ben and Rae Stern in January 1954. They lived in the all-black neighborhood of Roosevelt, Long Island because of low mortgage rates and property taxes for white families if their children got physically assaulted by The Five Percenters every day. His yenta mother Rae "forced me to get beat up as much as I could, or we'd have to move out of the house." Howard's father was known to his tell his son not to be stupid, you moron because he still didn't get beat up by enough brothers that looked like Charlie Murphy. Stern's nose grew throughout his teen years because the face around his nose was beaten down in relation to it.

Much of Stern's young life is talked about on his Howard Stern Radio Show on Sirius. His stories include getting laid at summer camp, but not at school, his boyhood band composing the later Sugar Ray punk hit "Psychedelic Bee," and his predilection to be a master puppeteer. After many years of Black Power kicking Howard's face in, Stern and his family moved to nearby Rockville Centre, where he spent the rest of his high school years getting beaten down by White Power Polack Catholics.

The subject of Godzilla Goes to Harlem. View image before Stern's people take it down, claiming licensing and trademark ownership of a lizard who, at this time, is much funnier than Howard Stern

After finding a way to earn good enough grades to squeak into Boston University, Stern hosted his own show, the King Schmaltz Bagel Hour on the college radio station. One of the members of the production team was named Godzilla, a giant Japanese lizard who attended the university on a full scholarship to study English literature. Stern and his crew allowed the lizard simple promotional tasks, but never let him take part in the studio during the radio show, since "God-Z" was over ten stories tall. After Godzilla threatened to destroy the radio studio with his fire breath and one of his feet, Howard created the bit "Godzilla Goes to Harlem" which made Godzilla groan and cry, and weep into his John Donne anthologies he loved so much. The giant lizard later dropped out of Boston University due to parasitic depression, and feeling he was being judged by Stern just for being a big Japanese lizard. Stern graduated with honors from the School of Public Communications, while Godzilla went back to making films about himself.

Radio Career (Without the Edginess)

What not enough people are doing about Howard Stern's show because like in NYC, if you're not complaining, shit won't get done.

Stern started his career after college with lots and lots of radio stations, most who realized after a few days that this guy Stern wasn't good in radio broadcasting at all. In fact, Stern has claimed that he was a radio legend back then as well, but since he ended up going to hellholes like Detroit, Washington D.C., and NBC Radio (New York), many have inferred that perhaps he had no crew behind him to create any form of "shock jock" humor for ratings. Along the way, he gathered Fred Willard, Robin Timbers, Gary Dell'abooey, Jackie Smartling, and the rest of a crew that was the population of a small advertising boutique. By the time he got to work at WXRK-FM New York, he had a crew behind him so he could read jokes off of paper, computer screens, teleprompters, Lotus Notes, and AIM Messenger. Soon enough in 1985, Stern finally had a radio show that actually worked.

Stern is currently down for the count with Sirius XM Radio and works three days a week per Sirius Radio subscription year, resulting in many subscribers wondering when he will come back on the air after hosting America's Got Talent. Unlike most cowardly bastards living under a bridge in New York, Stern has promised to stir a revolution from satellite radio, and to diffuse terrestrial radio. Initial steps of the Stern Transmission Diffusion were taken on March 14, 2012 when his bosses decided to step on his neck to make Stern work five days a week.

Small, Harmless Overview

Even with some edgy elements, such as when Stern gets porn stars to orgasm on a Sybian vibrator, the show is family-friendly with pointed opinions on the "attack on American family" from Mars that Sarah Palin thinks is happening from flying saucers far away. Stern has had mild success as a childrens' book writer, hip-hop DJ, and board member of the FCC. It has been said that in recent years, Stern is less focused on his show, and works on more pressing obligations.

Tabloid Stern (Without The Bite)

For many years, Stern fans have conspired to propagate the myths that Howard Stern invented radio, breathing, the concept of angles, the color orange, and Don Imus; that everyone finds Donald Trump, Tommy Mottola, and Benjy Bronk fascinating; that rappers like 50 Cent make for an insightful and thought-provoking interview; and that his sidekick Robin is in any way remotely attractive (as displayed in numerous parody/tribute songs and phone calls) despite her obesity, her handicap of being born without any natural talent (except at darts), her fifth nipple, and the fact that her voice (if heard at the right frequency) will shrivel a pair of testicles.

Howard Stern at home in his Central Park-adjacent penthouse apartment without his wig, sunglasses, and make-up, taking a nap. View before Stern's people decide to take down this image for violation of privacy, trademark, etc.

According to the American TV tabloid show Daily 10 (E! Channel) in July 2008, Stern was saddened to hear that his vacation buddies, late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel and actor-comedian Sarah Silverman, had just ended their relationship. He then suffered a nervous breakdown in his New York City penthouse. American radio personality Don Imus noted, "...[Stern] now walks around Central Park in a daze without his longhair wig, bald, crying, and looking like his 90-year-old daddy."

What Howard Stern now uses for toilet paper. The pussification of "Baby-Wipes" Stern is complete. He is never a match for his wife BethO, who makes him use these things with a supermodel's iron fist. Again, view this image for fun before the Stern people take it down

See also

• Sal Governale
• Benjy Bronk