Benjy Bronk
“Run, Benjy, Run!”
“^_^”
“Wow! There's finally somebody more annoying than I am!”
Benjy 'Zax' Bronk (born March 16, 1926) is the pet gorilla of Howard Stern, a pro wrestling fail machine, a pathological liar, a wannabe identity theft spammer and blackmailer, and a schizoprenic who claims to be the second coming of Andy Kaufman. He is also a writer and a comedian on something he calls The Howard Stern Show, but only if you give him twenty minutes to "sort of" answer the question, or five to remove his clothes. Stern has said that Bronk is "an unwanted necessity" on the show, but Bronk has those nasty photographs of Stern with Ralph Cirella, Andy Dick and someone known only as the "Tower of Power" in the Bahamas. Stern claims that Bronk only does shtick (which he describes as "off the leash"), unlike Howard's "forthright honesty," but Bronk points out that of course that itself is shtick, as when the microphones go off, Howard goes into ultra-conservative "Mr. Family Man/Normal Guy" mode, whereas Bronk continues to sweat, eat pounds of salad[1] every night and speak in conundrums. Bronk has herpes, allegedly, but this does not stop him from picking up dozens of desperate women online on Craigslist.
Bronk and Artie Lange, Stern's former sidekick, are still competing against each other in a "beached whale" contest. The winner of the contest gets to eat the charred remains of Kim Il-Sung after the U.S. carpetbombs North Korea with China's approval, while Howard Stern, the Queen of The Hamptons, takes all the credit while threatening to sue the shit out of everybody, with BethO's blessing.[2]
Early life[edit]
Bronk was born, for some reason. His parents, Brenda and Bob Abui Bronk, named him after the family dog Max[3] but were too high on smack, and spelled out "Zax" instead. Bronk was raised in Clem-Billy-Bobson, West Carolina, where he learned how to fake a Southern accent, yet always slipped into Valley Girl-speak when he said "dude," "awesome," or "gag me with a spoon." He occasionally attended Daniel Carver High School between his stays at various state mental wards, while traveling with semipro wrestling circuits. In 1990, he earned a B.A. in Basic Studies from Pencil Penn State College's 2B campus, with a dissertation on this:
| “ | "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, eruh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children." | ” |
While at Pencil Penn State, he was a Grand Wizard in the O-Qua Tangin Wann Fraternity. Also while at Pencil, he was beat up by a 6-year-old girl named Cailley. Bronk may have been destined for his role on the Howard Stern Show after being voted "Most Likely to Become a Clown" three years in a row.
Recently, Bronk has admitted to committing acts of beastiality in New York City underground S&M clubs. He is currently under investigation by the FBI for such acts, as well as burglarizing the White Pages with his iPad.
Joining The Howard Stern Show[edit]
Benjy began working for Howard Stern in Hartford, Connecticut in 1978 as Stern's bagel warmer. In 1985, he was promoted to coffee schmo for the entire on-air staff. Out of boredom, Bronk wrote vaguely-remembered bathroom-stall graffiti on Styrofoam coffee cups which, by 2007, led to Benjy fulfilling Jackie Martling's former role as "the comedy writing guy with really gross fungus toenails."
It is alleged that Stern wanted Bronk to take over "The Jackie Chair" because Howchie's diva-like jealousies were getting back at the always-disgruntled, money-grubbing Martling -- meaning, "any big, fat, low I.Q. retard with autistic tendencies [Bronk] can write comedy as good as anybody."[4]
Before the suicide attempt of Artie Lange because working with Howard Stern was killing Lange's Hollywood career, Bronk used to write for Artie, passing pieces of paper to Lange that he can then use to order items such as pepperoni rolls, cinnamon buns and Ding Dongs without having to stop chewing.
Benjy has been frequently accused by jealous colleagues of lying about his age, which he claims is a semi-rational number that can derived from second-order linear partial differential equations describing the propagation of a variety of waves, such as sound waves, light waves and water waves.[5]
Bronk also claims that he never took a dump on a surfboard when he starred in Japanese porn flicks during the 1990s.
The Benjy Bronk Show[edit]
“Ever think about just retiring from the Andy Kaufman schtick, Benjy?”
This is an imaginary show that Bronk performs in his mind Monday through Wednesday from 6:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. while working on The Howard Stern Show on Sirius XM. Before leaving for work, Bronk has nightmares in bed called "night scares" that wake him up without using an alarm clock.[6] While performing the show in the studio, Bronk will occasionally break from his trance and shriek "boobies" and produce sound effects from his mouth without knowing that Fred Norris is making these sounds on-air, and not Benjy.[7] He also tweets during the Stern show without knowing that his girlfriend is doing the tweeting on his own account, while Benjy lies to Stern's face that he doesn't have one.
Currently, Bronk is attempting to secure a record deal for his girlfriend with only the power of his mind.[8] Although he presently works as a writer for Howard Stern (so that Stern has something to say on-air), it was recently discovered that Bronk's lady friend does all the joke writing from home, while he texts Howard what she wrote that second.
Political statements[edit]
Bronk has claimed to be a Chomskian, right-leaning socio-syndicalist-monarchist, favoring an economic system that would require all businesses to be unlimited liability partnerships (ULPs) initially funded by selling used women's underwear on eBay.
Trivia[edit]
- He was thrown out of the Rosie O'Donnell Celebrity Rump Roast for trying to put Gene Simmons' KISS make-up on food
- Walked from New York City to Kansas over The Howard Stern Show's holiday break in 2006
- Was rumored to be romantically involved with Andrew Dice Clay
- Is distantly related to Sun Ra, who is from the planet Saturn
- Invented radio, comedy writing, and Andy Kaufman
- Will never tell anyone, not even Howard, of his days in a Vietnam POW camp during the 1970s
- "If Murder Inc. birthed a pimp that was a retarded jerk, that would be Benjy." (comedian Lisa Lampanelli)
- Will not be invited to Howard Stern's future weddings and/or should be banned from it
- Rumored to soon work as a writer for Saturday Night Live, but will end up back in a Bellevue Hospital psych ward after Benjy attempts to fondle, then physically rape Lorne Michaels
References[edit]
- ↑ Tossing bowls of salad in his love nest every night makes him the most perpetually late employee in the history of the Stern show
- ↑ $5000 will be rewarded as a bonus after figuring out who actually drew the whale that ate "Kim Il-Stern" in the green room of The Howard Stern Show
- ↑ A white English Bulldog that resembles the late pet bulldog of Howard Stern, Bianca
- ↑ Howard Stern during the first year or so of Bronk's writing tenure
- ↑ For you guys now in college learning this stuff, Benjy's as old as your dad
- ↑ These dreams usually consist of being devoured by insects, or transforming into the late Andy Kaufman performing in front of ants in a childrens' ant farm
- ↑ Bronk often mumbles quietly songs he wrote with his lady friend, while staff members throw objects at his head to make him stop singing in the middle of the show
- ↑ At this point, it's just sad. Sort of like the fading days of a would-be rock star, who (while never famous) thought he was and tries to recapture a spirit that never was there in the first place