Why?:I eat my own shit

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I eat my own shit. Yes I do. I know why I do it too, and you probably want to know why I do it.

Now, let me just address this: some people have accused me of being a coprophile. That's just a really big word for people like me who eat their own shit. I don't like to classify or label myself, so I just tell people, "No, I just eat my own shit." My family is very accepting of my practice, even though it puts a damper on Thanksgiving dinner with the family.

The first reason as to why I consume my own faeces

It tastes damn good. I sprinkle it with a bit of pepper and oregano and chow down. I don't even need napkins. It's finger-lickin' good. I crave the taste of it.

The second reason as to why my excrement is a regular part of my diet

It helps me lose weight. It's obvious that, if nothing goes into you except what came out of you, you can't gain weight. Losing weight is important because I am training to become a synchronized swimmer and my piano teacher said, "You're gonna need to lose at least 280 lbs. by next Friday."

The third reason for enjoying my poop cuisine

I am poor and cannot afford food or window curtains. You know what that means. That means all of my neighbors see me eat my own shit. I'll admit, I'm a bit of an exhibitionist, but I really am tired of the police coming to my house and asking me about possibly moving out of the neighborhood and into a psych ward. I won't go there again, because they don't let you eat your own shit there. They make you eat things like pizza and goulash.

The fourth purpose for devouring my own doodoo

I am an advocate of recycling. I believe that no waste should be wasted. This is why I also regularly drink my own urine. My urine is full of electrolytes, which are what plants crave. My urine was once yellow, but now it is red. My doctor said it has something to do with my kidneys shutting down or something like that. The funny part is that instead of my pee being yellow, my skin is turning yellow now! Speaking of which...

The fifth reason for the mastication of my own mudpies

Excrement is full of antioxidants and has no remaining sugar that would promote tooth decay.

In conclusion

This is not why I lost my children to the state. They deemed me to be an unfit parent because I left my son in the car and the car was stolen by some guy named Peppers or something. This is why all of my vehicles are now rigged with explosives (the police said I could have them as long as I don't park my car in anymore handicapped parking spots).

Oh, and I eat my own shit.