“In Soviet Russia, turkey stuffs YOU!”
Thanksgiving day, also known as 'Stupid Pilgrim's day', is a pagan celebration of the day food was invented, held by Americans, Canadians, Uglo-Americans and certain areas in Japan that just want to seem cool by copying everything the Americans do. It also happens to be America's only holiday that celebrates the anniversary of the murdering and raping of native Americans, proceeding to kick them off their land, and force them into small reservations. Afterwards pilgrims raided their tepees and gorged on all their food. But we refuse to tell our children that, but instead help them put together shitty first grade plays about the "First Thanksgiving".
It is usually celebrated on the threety-second of November, and is one of America's 150 officially (and 215 unofficially) recognized gorging holidays, in which every resident is required to eat until food oozes from at least 4 orifices. Failure to comply with this law (Gluttony vs. Common Sense (1953)) results in the perpetrator being forced to watch football. And as you all know we pretend to give thanks and be thankful, but we should really be thankful is that they didn't kill us all for taking all their land. So why don't we all face the truth and call it "never trust the noobs day".
The first recorded instance of a Thanksgiving celebration (then known as "Operation Fool the Indians") occurred in 1578, when colonist George Burns held a feast for his English compatriots to celebrate their safe passage across the Atlantic. The colonists, who had survived the early part of the journey by eating the Scottish passengers aboard the ship, arrived starving on the mainland. Further colonists arrived in 1621, where they were welcomed by the Native Americans, who donated enough turkey, cranberries and Jack Daniels to ensure the colonists' survival during their winter hibernation. We're all pretty sure there was something to do with a rock named Plymouth, but who can really tell?
The French Toast colonists who arrived on the same voyage went on to found New Orleans and then New New Orleans where they still celebrate Mardi Gras (lit: "anorexic Wednesday") in celebration of the English colonists' awakening in the Spring. To this day, the spices used in cajun cooking work well with any meat that tastes a little bit like pork. The French still refer to the English as "les Ros Bifs" (lit: the roast beef). The English refuse to eat the French as they have no taste. See also Agincourt.
The Germ colonists were already familiar with, what they called, Dankgeben - meaning thank giving. The idea of giving multiple thanks being, to them, quite eccentric and frivalous. So they decided to play along and plot the demise of the other colonists with the help of their Prussian efficiency. Although modern accounts tell of them spending the majority of their time perfecting and eating apple strudel.
Years later, after Washington had become President of the United States of America and Grand Poobah of America Junior, he again declared Thanksgiving day, this time to distract the public from the ensuing 'wooden teeth' scandal (with the tell-tale splinters found on the blue dress) in which he was embroiled.
Though it was many years before Thanksgiving day became an officially recognized holiday in either America or Canada, many politicians used it sporadically as a way of appeasing or distracting the public from their nefarious actions.
Most people don’t know the true origin of Thanksgiving, contrary to popular belief it began in the penal system not on Plymouth Rock. Long ago inmates used to work all year to make shanks and once a year they would shank each other; typically the fourth Thursday in November. It was a joyous event known as Shanksgiving; however due to the high number of inmate deaths they instead began saving food and giving that to each other. The tradition slowly evolved into the holiday we know today as Thanksgiving. It is also noteworthy that as the English language modernized so did the pronunciation to the commonly accepted Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!
Each year, the native species of the Americas make a tithe to their new overlords. This tithe usually involves the sacrifice of one or more hookers and a Native American, either as a flesh-and-blood offering or as an apprentice to a colonial craftsman. In past years a single Native American has provided this yearly sacrifice by appearing in place of his fellows in every Hollywood blockbuster made; a heroic stance to which much romantic notion is attached. More recently colonists and aliens such as Steven Seagal and Daniel Day-Lewis have taken over this role as the number of pure Native Americans has decreased. (Petitions to get a real-life turkey to take their place have so far failed, stopped by animal rights activists).
The government of the United States of America has now passed a law declaring that Native Americans shall only be considered as such if both parents of the would-be Native American are descended from the same tribe; ie: the child of a Cherokee and a Cheyenne is considered merely mixed race and is not entitled to participate in the yearly sacrifice.
Since 1984 the traditional meal for Canadian thanksgiving has consisted of Kraft Dinner (otherwise known as Macacroni and Cheese) and fried bologna. The carving of the bologna is an honor typically reserved for the head of household or the favorite child decided by the mother.
Today Thanksgiving is a time to praise the deity of your choice (Jesus, Allah, Jack Daniels etc.) that you finally moved out of that hell-hole that is your childhood. As a reminder of all that you have risen above, thousands of Americans make the journey to be with their family and share in the glory that is your embarrassing uncle. This has brought rise to the day after Thanksgiving to be the biggest shopping day of the year because nothing reinforces the feeling of hell than being stuck in a mall parking lot for hours.
The females of the family are also reminded of their subserviant, unthanked, never-ending role of homemaker. In most of the country women are expected to prepare the meal to perfection and clear the dishes because football is on, and its scientifically proven that that Tryptophan stuff in turkey makes men sleepy five times faster than women. Of course, listening to women talk is known to make men sleepy as well, though the presence of Tryptophan in female conversation is debated, on account of their inherent stupidity.
A court case in 1967 (Chief Humping Horse vs. State of Maryland) decided that Native Americans were no longer allowed to eat turkey. This was a pastime reserved only for the white man.
Thanksgiving day rituals
There are many other rituals associated with Thanksgiving. These include:
- The annual turkey pardoning, during which the American President abstains from his weekly turkey molestation. This ritual was withheld during the Clinton years.
- The Macy's parade, in which every individual in North America with the first or last name 'Macy' walks down 5th Avenue in New York and is pelted with turkey entrails. Recent participants have included William H. Macy (greatest living actor. Seriously, I saw Door To Door, it made me cry) and Macy Gray.
- The yearly 'football torture session', during which individuals who have performed heinous acts (including murder, failing to gorge properly, or being poor) are forced to watch several hours of football.
- Turkey, turkey, turkey. This fowl is iconic of the holiday. Though some opt for other delicious meats (perhaps duck, ham, or hobbit), other options have begun to rise in contemporary culture. There is the Tofurkey, thought until recently to be a soybean product molded and dyed to resemble a turkey, for hippies that want to celebrate but just don't get the point. Also on the other end of the spectrum there's the meat bonanza that is the Turducken, which is a chicken shoved into a duck that is in turn shoved into a turkey. It is preferable to do the shoving after the birds have been killed and cleaned, but in some parts of the south it is done beforehand.
- In American territories and commonwealths (and in some parts of Pittsburgh) an otherwise banned practice is held where innocent turkeys are seized as they sleep, dressed in fock coats and bamble sashes (and the occasional pince-nez) and are auctioned off as effigies of Oscar Wilde in the so-called Training of the Pew Parade.
Thankstealing (Thanksgiving in the Middle East)
There are mass riots, as the entire population goes on a looting spree. Also known as Anarchy Awareness Day, wherein all laws are abolished and everything is first come first serve.
In the end, points are awarded in such categories as: Most Looting, Most Fatalities, and Best Infiltration.
Winners are promptly declared terrorists to keep the US busy for another 6 months.
Thanksgiving - the movie!
Following the success of the movie 'Miracle on 34th Street', Hollywood were keen to exploit Thanksgiving on the silver screen. For many years the production was held up in red tape and political wrangling. Finally in 2002 the Republican party bought the production rights, and it was released in 2003 (on Thanksgiving day of course).
A scheme by Al Queda and Saddam Hussein to unleash an army of genetically mutated turkeys on America is discovered by intrepid soldier and hero, 'Dubya'. Alas, his discovery comes too late, and the turkeys have already invaded several major cities. With the help of radical Christians all over the country Dubya destroys the marauding 'tourist turkeys', and saves America once again.
- Dubya: Billy Bob Thornton
- Osama bin Laden : Woody Allen
- Condoleezza Rice : Wanda Sykes
- Dick Cheney : Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Donny Rumsfeld : Kelsey Grammer
- Saddam Hussein : Satan
- Dubya's dad : Charlton Heston
- Jenna Bush : Paris Hilton
- Jeb Bush : Timmy from South Park
- Turkey General : anonymous actor impersonating John Kerry
- Tony Blair : Alice Cooper
- Michael Moore : Ronald McDonald
- Token Native American: Steven Seagal
- George Bush : No one wanted to be him, so his character was taken off the movie
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Himself or one of his clones