Steven Seagal

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Steven Seagal as we all know and love him.
Seagal prays you will ignore his movies' plot-holes.

“You killed my wife, you bastard...Now it's time for revenge!”

~ The plot line of every Steven Seagal film

“Dish guy can kish my ash!”

~ Mike Tyson

Steven Seagal, also known as the Anti-Norris or the Badass who always wins a fight against twenty guys, is the name of a famous mountain figure located in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Originally intended to be included on Mount Rushmore to give the common man some sense of accomplishment (along with Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and God), the figure was instead carved separately. Nonetheless, it has remained a popular tourist attraction for nearly six decades.


The many faces of Steven Seagal, illustrating his incredible versatility as an actor.

The monument was originally designed by Frank Lloyd Wright shortly before his gruesome death. Wright decided to suggest its inclusion on Rushmore; furthermore, he designed it to look like a Native American to pay respect to the original inhabitants of the United States. When the government got wind of this plan, they decided to ax the idea of including it with the Presidents ("Who'd believe those damn Indians are as good as white people?") and put it on a hard-to-find neighboring mountain side. While construction was going on, architects coated the face of the monument with a new building material called botox to keep the face from changing much. The material has apparently worked, as Steven Seagull has not suffered from any changes in nearly sixty years. Steven was born without nipples on his chest, he has 12 nipples on his back. However he has suffered from duel personality disorder, he is often seen hanging around beaches, trying steal food from peoples hands. They call him Steven Seagull.

Acting training[edit]

Astrophysicists agree that Seagal studied the "method" acting under the Stanislavsky, Anton Chekhov, Lee Strasberg, Marlon Brando, and Keanu Reeves. This is more impressive than it sounds, as astrophysicists can't even agree on whether the sun is a star or a sun.

Seagal has eschewed the "method" for the simple expedient of coming to work on time, knowing his lines, and beating up all the other actors.

Martial Arts training[edit]

Steven Seagal began his training as a young boy at just the tender age of 35. He studied under Master Wong "Not my own hands" Hong, who himself was a student of Yö'Sensei. Wong's philosophy to martial arts was that "When filming the camera should always zoom into the hands while performing a deadly fighting technique". Steven stayed very true to this philosophy and as we see in all his films the camera zooms into his hands, thus his hands seem to change and not look like his own; remarkably sometimes even changing in their color, the locations and numbers of rings or even their shape during a closeup. Steven also swears by hitting a piece of wood very softly. Steven is quick to point out that although it may appear to the untrained viewer that he is hitting it very softly, it is in fact his speed that allows it to seem this way, and only a true master of martial arts is able to be as fast as the speed of light; if not faster.

Also like many other Hollywood martial arts masters (such as Tom Cruise), Steven is able to power throw assailants over forty feet by the mere flick on his fingernail. This is a skill that he finds frequently comes in handy during contract negotiations, which can become tricky and as Mr. Seagal knows, a good power throw can change the attitude of any reluctant negotiator. His Holiness Lama Steven Seagal Shihan Take Sensei, is also a 7th degree Master of TenShin Aikido (a branch of Aikido made up by Steven for use in B movies). The rumors that he printed this document on his home printer have never been substantiated despite no one being found that actually believes him; but in fairness to his beliefs, it may have happened in a previous life and documentation could be difficult to obtain.

He also created his own style of martial arts. It's called "slap fight-neck break do". No other martial art competes with this style, besides the already mentioned "I'm going to fuck this motherfucker up-kun do."

In the 2000s, he recruited UFC fighters Anderson Silva and Ryoto Machida. He made them both his bitches and taught them how to crane kick the fuck out of MMA legends. They did just that as Silva kicked Vitor Belfort's cheeks from his face and Machida kicked Randy Couture's head clean off his shoulders. They both thanked Seagal before joining him walking the beat and giving people traffic fines.


Despite the hard-to-find location and overall bland (and, some would say, boring) design of the creation, it has become South Dakota's second most-visited monument. Unfortunately, it has also been a somewhat tragic place: drunk college teens have attempted to climb down its stone pony tail (which isn't very wide- only about three or four feet) only to mysteriously fall to their deaths. Some attribute this to the drunkenness, while others believe that the victims were "roundhouse kicked" by a ghost spirit that the students always seem to ignore. Rumor also has it that the spirit speaks in a very monotone voice that causes the students to be lulled into a deep sleep, causing them to let go of the pony tail and fall to the base of the mountain.

In Pop Culture[edit]

Steven Seagull has been prominently displayed by Hollywood in several motion pictures. Most notable among these films are Under Dinner Over Smell, Hard to Digest part 2; The Asian Felcher Test, Half Past Brunch Death Punch and "Felcher King of the Triads". Furthermore, some of these films have used CGI to make it appear as though Steven Seagull is moving and is a karate expert while maintaining the solidity of his face. Steven stands in the middle of the universe, adjusting the length of his ponytail, with the world spinning around him. However, this technique has appeared to lose some of its charm, as more recent films to do this have not been as successful in box offices, so Steven Seagull has been re-designed as a hip cat who poofs gangsta slang and is from the streets, most recently in the film Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. The voice of Seagal in these films is usually provided by actor William Shatner. People often confuse his films with those of Jean Claude Van Damme.

The Nightwish song, 'Wishmaster', makes clear reference to the awesome power of Steven Seagal on numerous occasions. It is believed that royalties were not paid, resulting in Steven faxing them a 'Steven Seagal Round House Kick'. This is a common command, and can be easily initiated from home, via TCP/IP using the F9 key.

Lightning strikes!

The Steven Seagal Ponytail[edit]

Not only does Seagal have jaw dropping good looks and the frame of an androgynous lumberjack, but he also has the coveted shiny and greasy pony tail. Much of Seagal's success can be attributed to his renaissance style pony tail. Before becoming a mega movie star Seagal is known to have work a bull cut hairstyle, and was only able to land an acting job in a B-Movie called "Alien Wart Frogs" in 1981. In the mid 1980's Seagal went to a Shaman healer who indicated that his bull cut was bringing him bad luck along with poor fortune. When Seagal questioned the Shaman on what to do, the Shaman simply replied "be one with nature, let the wind control your movements". Seagal subsequently grabbed a lit candle off of the Shaman's floor and dumped the wax on his head, and then suddenly slicked his hair back to be one with the wind and nature. Many have attempted to replicate Seagal's hairstyle, namely another sea creature, former goalkeeper David Seaman but all have ultimately failed. Strands of Seagal's hair measuring anywhere from 2-7 inches have been sold for between $67,000-903,000. Seagal's has a cult that follows him around in an attempt to collect his hair, they call themselves the "pony chasers". Just recently a Steven Seagal ponytail rubber band sold for $4,000,000 to a collector in Japan.

Movie Company[edit]

In 2002 he started his own movie company BigBottomBurpFilms. However it soon went out of business, due to Steven Seagal's massive personal food budget taking away the meager profits on bargain buckets.

Steven has started up another film company called Triple Chin Productions. He produced the film I Love You Philip Morris, which is a documentary based on the early life of Steven. Steven for a time used to be a gay con man, now he cons us the audience with his implausible movies. His next film will be a reworking of the vagina monologues. Steven shall be playing a yeast infected vagina, which solves crimes. And saves the world and pretends he is black.

Musical genius[edit]

Seagal was classically trained at the tender age of 8 on the Big Brown Bottom Burp Organ by world renowned fartuoso Arthur Fielder (Boston Pops Orchestra).

Steven Seagal is a world recognized musical virtuoso on the spoons having composed four symphonies for full silverware and ladles, and a further eight concertos for minor place-settings. His First Concerto in D flat-ware for Knife and Fork, has been hailed as the most important and influential piece of classical music since Mozart's, Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.

As a release from the pressures of being fat and wealthy, Seagal also sings and plays lead spoons in a blues band called "Steven Seagal and the Teaspoons". Remarkably, this effort has led to the release of two CDs both of which have made it into the top 10,000 in the album charts! The first album was 2005's; Steven Seagal Greatest Hits, and the second album was entitled Steven Seagal Even More Greater Hits, released in 2006. Both were critical hits with the one hundred and seventeen people who bought copies.

The Seagal List-O-Death[edit]

Over the decades, Steven has racked up over 500,000 confirmed kills. Some of his most Famous Kills include: Fred Rogers Otherwise known as Mister Rogers, Steven and Fred got into an argument after slaughtering a young Portuguese prostitute. Steven wanted to burn it and Fred wanted to first finish having sex with it, and then sell it on ebay. Steven took a cork screw and put it through Rogers' eye. End of Argument Abe Lincoln In the 1865, Mr. Lincoln owed Seagull some money that was loaned to him but refused to pay it back saying that the boy he payed to orally please him wasn't worth the money. so that night at a play, Steven Seagull glared at Abe Lincoln, causing him to instantly break into flames. Adolph Hitler When Adolph was in that shelter with his wife, Steven seagull came and fucked them both in the ass... literally. His dick was so monstrous that it tore Adolph's ass into three parts, making it impossible to shit so Adolph Killed himself. Here Are Just A Few More Richard Pyror, John Candy, Jim Belushi, soon to be John Belushi, Chris Farley, Blackneck, Wilford Brimley's Diabetes, O.J. Simpson's first son, and Tom Green's left testicle. The list could go on but I have to quiet the baby in my basement. Seagull added a few more to his List-of Death which included Pam Anderson's breast implants, Gary Glitter's prick, and Eminem's charred, crusty asshole.

The Ultimate Fight[edit]

While walking through the forest one day eating a hamburger to bulk up for his next movie (Thunder Thighs of Steel) Steven's Super-Indian senses alerted him to sense danger in the area. Before he could react, Jackie Chan appeared out of the trees with a battery powered pair of electric shears. In an instant he was upon Steven, knowing that his hair was the source of Steven's mighty power Jackie went straight for it. Little did he know the reason Steven's hair always looked like it had enough grease in it to rival a Big Mac was because it was a special formula designed to protect the hair at all cost. Taken aback, Jackie had to resort to hand to hand combat. The ensuing battle sent waves of energy around the world. Meanwhile while enjoying his usual breakfast of glass and human souls[1] Chuck Norris sensed this battle. He promptly got up and roundhouse kicked the air. Light years away in the forest in which the battle was taking place the shock wave of the kick hit Steven and Jackie and sent them flying. This gave Chuck enough time to get there by his usual method (using his mighty genitalia as a propeller). After landing miles away both Steven and Jackie sensed Chuck's approach. They stopped fighting each other and prepared to face the ultimate warrior. Both of them knew what they had to do to survive. They performed the ancient art of Gillette fusion. When Chuck arrived he was greeted by a new warrior more powerful than any he had ever faced. Jackven Cheagal!

                                            To be continued...

The Ultimate Fight Two[edit]

When Chuck arrived he saw the shear awesomeness of Jackven radiating from his body, the battle to end all battles had begun....three roundhouse kicks latter it was over. It turned out that Steven Seagal's amazing flab had weakened Jackie Chan's fighting skills. As Jackven's broken battered flabby body laid on the ground Chuck pulled out his heart and ate it seeing as his breakfast had been interrupted, but as soon as he had finished a terrible pain overcame him. This was news to Chuck, he had always been so strong that he'd never felt pain. Suddenly mounds of flab began to engulf him. After 63 years of fighting the Mighty Chuck succumbed. The hideous creature that emerged for the flab let out a monstrous roar and lesbians every where called back. It waddled away and in its wake it left the bodies of Chuck, Jackie, and Steven. It had taken with it some of Steven’s flab, Jackie's ability to ramble endlessly, and part of Chucks hairy back. This is the story of how Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan and Steven Seagal sired the ultimate evil and unleashed it upon this world. That’s right; the creature that walked away was Rosie O’Donnell.

This species of fox has modeled its evolution after Steven Seagal in order to make itself a more powerful predator

Seagal vs Gok wan[edit]

Our story starts in a gritty fashion shop in the capital city of Albion at approximately 10:15PM. Gok wan closed up his shop for another night. Once outside he heard a noise and knew someone was after him. It was too dark to see so he used his fashion vision. He saw a man, a fat man, in the shadows, he knew it was Seagal. (Seagal can be heard softly multi-farting "I'm Popeye the Sailor man" in F minor) Seagal poofed towards Gok who rolled out of the way just in time. Gok looked at his expensive clothes that now had brown specks of re-fried bean dust on them so he took out his electric scissors and attacked Seagal for ruining his clothes. Seagal blocked all of Gok wans relentless attacks for one year. Seagal eventually saw a weakness, an opening if you like, in Goks defense. Seagal took the opportunity and hit Gok with one of his mighty slow motion limp wrist chops. Gok crashed through his shop window he had never seen such a display of strength. Steven clambered through the broken window. He looked around but could not see Gok wan. All of a sudden Gok appeared behind Steven and chopped off his ponytail using his electric scissors. To Goks astonishment The ponytail grew back and the one on the floor turned to re-fried bean fart dust. This pissed Seagal off big time. He grabbed Gok wan and threw him through the roof of the shop. After punching Gok wan for a century he sat down for a rest. Gok wan being the opportunist that he is lunged at Seagal with his scissors pointing to Steven's bottom burp organ. Seagal dodged the attack and started multi poofing on Gok. Suddenly Steven felt as if he was being strangled. He threw Gok to the side and turned around to see Allan Carr. In an instant he broke both of Allan's arms with one mighty bottom burp. Allan and Gok wan fused to create Allok Can, a human so deadly it was rumored that even Superman couldn't beat him. Allok didn't scare Steven who merely threw Allok into the spikes on top of the statue of liberties head. Allok Can is trapped there forever and he is currently plotting his revenge.


“Steven Seagal is well known as 'The man who can warp between exploding bridges'. Now one thing not many people know about mister Seagal is that he wasn't actually born, nor does he exist. He is actually a figment of his own Imagination. He apparently works as an actor but that is not strictly true you see... Lee Martin 'Thinks' that Steven Seagal works as an actor thus confirming its truth to every one else. Furthermore Steven Seagal lives by a certain code known as the 'Cookoo Past Dead Code' or the CPDC.”

~ Steven Seagal on Steven Seagal

  • “ "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, but more importantly a virtual Fartuoso on the big brown botton burp organ"”

    ~ Steven Seagal

  • “Yo Fucknuts”

    ~ Steven Seagal on Steven Seagal on Cruelty to Animals

  • “All of the followers of the CPDC can do things that distort time. For example if we were to watch a two hour long film it would take us two hours right? Not for Seagal for he can watch a two hour film in just forty minutes, while running five copies of Half-Life 2 and playing a game of pokemon green on his Game Boy Advance emulator while he thinks it loads. It was Mr. T who taught him the ways of the CPDC (then called the National Anti-Racism Society) but Seagal stole the T's thunder and renamed the code.”

    ~ Steven Seagal on Steven Seagal

  • “ "Some call it intuition but I simply call it Steven."”

    ~ Steven Seagal

  • “ "I am really excited by my next project called "Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Revengeful", where I play a young confused ginger kid disguised as a full grown black man who is in fact really dreaming to be Jar Jar Binks raped by Tom Cruise, only to wake up and find out that he is non other than Carlton Banks living in another dimension where he actually is a carrot out for revenge for being turned into a bottle of water for owning a blue carpet. It is written by me, directed by me, and I play all the characters, even the ice cream cone who is a duck."”

    ~ Steven Seagal


  • A Stitch in Time (2168) A 'making of' documentary for the 2167 hit Under Siege 54.5 in which Seagal enlists Stephen Hawing to help him repair the holes he left in the fabric of space time with a budget of $200 and 24 hours.
  • " Alone in the Fridge" (2187) Steven eats the entire contents of his Fridge and is left with an empty fridge, what will he have for dinner??
  • Death Kill Pistol Urban Black Under Shadow Above Dangerous (3125) — Steven Seagal is released from the mental institution and continue his delusion of him playing a cop out for revenge. Directed by Another Black Man.


  • 1939: '"I'm Popeye the Sailorman" and other classic show tunes (played in the chord of F minor on the big brown bottom burp organ)
  • 2000: Smell My Finger Two Times Baby (featuring Alanis Morissette on baritone skin flute)
  • 2001: The world is my Toilet
  • 2003: Serenade for a Crack Dealer
  • 2004: Massive sweaty man breasts of fire with hairy nipples on the slide
  • 2005: Bongs from the Crystal Cave (Live from Bakersfield California)
  • 2006: Mongo Priest
  • 2007: Return to the bassbin
  • 2008: Seagal owns Van Damme Van Damme gets owned !
  • 2008: Skid Marks and Anal Beads with Asian Birdflu
  • 2009: Attack of the double chins and wooden acting
  • 2010: Steven beats up music and wanks on it yeah!
  • 2011: (ONLY OUT ON THE BLACK MARKET SHHHH) 'Backin it up: in da hairy CRACK part 2'

[1] There's an album in there somewhere, well I think there is.

Critical Acclaim[edit]

Over the years Seagal has won praise for his realism and emotional range as an actor and was awarded the Oscars for Best Actor and Best Director for his French emotional drama "Smashing Frenchie's Onion Shaped Head In". At the moment Steven is putting the finishing touches to his new Italian New wave master piece, Jonathan Woss says it's as good as Fellini's 8 1/2, it's called extreme poo pushers. In this film Steven plays a CIA agent posing as a Japanese rent boy, who has to find the guy who ate his bargain bucket. Steven has also won the award for most disgusting orgasm face at the 23rd Anal Whoopie Goldberg Invitational Actors Orgyfest.

Essentials of any Seagal film[edit]

  1. Seagal is after some son of a bitch who put him in jail for a crime he didn't commit.
  2. Seagal side-steps or trips over the guards who are protecting that son of a bitch.
  3. Seagal wakes up from a bad dream, only to find that it was no dream at all.
  4. Seagal walks over to an armed man, twists his gun around, and then shoots him.
  5. Seagal wears the same long, black, leather trench coat, which resists all weather, gunshots, knife blades and even his greasy ponytail. It also makes him look twenty pounds lighter and lets him kick swiftly and hide magic bullets in the pockets.
  6. There is an Asian element.
  7. A female half Seagal's age must fall in love (or at least make out) with him.

As a "Cop"[edit]

Steven has recently become a "cop" (or so he thinks he is) in one of his new shows. Steven spends the show driving around in a cheap car full of donut dunking policemen who couldn't even climb over a fence if they were asked to, "patrolling" (cruising) the town of Belair. Anybody seen eating crisps or chatting up a woman is accused of drug dealing or prostitution, and Steven mistakes most fizzy drinks such as Coke or Fanta to be alcohol.

Steven also shows psychic abilities in the show, such as being able to see "crime" from a distance, and also knows exactly what the criminal is up to, such as using a cell phone (which is apparently a knife to Mr. Seagal). It should also be noted that any "criminal" caught on the show is almost always black and hasn't seen one of Steven Seagal's films, making it obvious why all the real criminals get away while Steven is arresting niggas who prefer Mission Impossible III any day.

The only way for a criminal to escape his show without being arrested is to admit he knows Steven Seagal and ask for a autograph. Not only does this bring a slight chuckle to the already over bronzed 5-chin man but it makes him feel like a real Hollywood douchebag.

See Also[edit]

External links[edit]