Darren Aronofsky

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The good shit is at Darren Aronofsky's house! HAHAHAhahaha...”

~ A typical Hollywood celebrity, totally lit, on the way to The Howard Stern Show

“Darren's one tough son of a bitch! Did you hear about the shit he's got?”

~ Mickey Rourke

Darren Aronofsky (born February 12, 1969) is a noted drug dealer, rapist, and douchey film director who still thinks he can take on legendary actor Mickey Rourke in a caged deathmatch, after sharing a few bong hits. He famously called for the genocide of white people in 1994, but later retracted his comments when he realized that he's just another nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn who exists for the legends of Bohemian Grove, Skull and Bones, and any Rothschilds war in the Middle East.

But according to Alex Jones of InfoWars, Aronofsky is set to be assassinated in 2016 after getting shot by the "late" Tupac Shakur, who was ordered by Hillary Clinton to bomb the Empire State Building, after the Pentagon wouldn't forward her letters to John F. Kennedy about how George W. Bush was quietly paying the Russians off, but when he stopped paying, the Russians sent Al Qaeda to destroy the World Trade Center.

Early Life[edit]

Aronofsky was born and raised in the bourough of Brooklyn in New York City. His family was incredibly poor, not despite the fact they were all Jews, but more like the poor Jews in urban-decaying neighborhoods that Howard Stern grew up in. When he was a kid, Aronofsky watched many films, all of which were directed by either David Lynch or Stanley Kubrick. After watching Blue Velvet and A Clockwork Orange too many times, Darren set a goal in life to make more fucked up movies than these two, just to piss off the established order led by NATO, and the United Nations.

Aronofsky began selling drugs as a child to save money for college, which for some reason also seems a lot like Howard Stern as well. So Darren, in a sense, "Jewed" his way into Harvard University. For his first year, he was only allowed to take the most advanced math classes. Through such classes, Darren became obssessed with numbers and the most effective methods of enslaving women, when one of his teachers was a smoking hot twentysomething woman. Darren learned that his teacher, Isabella Rossellini, was very rich and happened to be in his favorite David Lynch movie. Darren lured Isabella to his house, however, she brought David Lynch with her and his plan to enslave her failed. However, Aronofsky did successfully pickpocket both Rossellini and Lynch out of a considerable sum of money. This became the funding for his first film, Pi, a film which was written so that Darren could get over the fact that he could never own Rosellini.


Pi: The Movie: This charming set piece explores the effort to "square the circle" in a meandering plot that spans generations, and has been described as "Kafkaesque and erotic"

Requiem For A Dream: The Anti-Drug Comedy With A Heart of Gold: Darren Aronofsky made this film after "Al's Drug Stand" started taking away his customers. This film is about when four different people -- an astronaut, a drug dealer, a stripper, and a George W. Bush -- go to "Al's Drug Stand" and take different drugs and get murdered in bizarre non-drug-related ways. After this movie became the #1 highest-grossing film of all time, "Al's Drug Stand" went out of business.

The Fountain: This epic three-and-a-half-hour film is about a school water fountain that presses people down and makes blood come out of them "like a water fountain." Several first graders try to find out the origin of the fountain, and why they were forced to be child actors in this Ed Wood morality play.

The Wrestler: One day, Darren Aronofsky and Mickey Rourke got high together. While sharing a bong, they watched a lot of Rocky Balboa and WWE Divas. They then tried to mimic those events live. Darren also stalked Mickey Rourke as he/they both went to rape Marisa Tomei. Somehow this turned into an Oscar-nominated movie. Both Rourke and Aronofsky somehow received no rape charges from Tomei. They forgot their entire awards season as they were high the entire time. But I do! Those fuckers got away with swearing on public television and now my virgin ears are ruined! Roger Ebert called Darren Aronofsky's direction as "fucking insane" for this film. After all was said and done, Rourke and Aronofsky had gay sex and birthed Kevin Smith.

Black Swan: This is the Darren Aronofsky film in which he fucked up ballet forever. By using nightmarish imagery he made it so that guys would be scared to go to the ballet, rather than dreading it. In the process, Aronofsky gave us the creepiest sex scene ever to grace the screens involving Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. It's all dark and violent, and AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN!! AND DAMN!!! THIS IS ONE OF CINEMA'S BEST FILMS! AND YOU FEEL IT, FOR LIKE A WEEK!! IN FACT, I'M STILL FEELING IT!!! AND SOMEHOW, HE ALSO DOES THE IMPOSSIBLE, MAKE A DAMN FINE GOOD MOVIE!! He also managed to resurrect Winona Ryder, so damn!! He will return to his flipping off place as a nominee. If he loses, he threatens to go streak in every Super Bowl halftime show, as well as the World Cup. So fuck you facebook and David Fincher, Aronofsky made the better film and should win.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine II: Darren has recently been announced as the director of Wolverine II.... FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! NO! PART 1 SUCKS! Deadpool IS KILLED THANKS TO IT!!!! DAMN YOU Hugh Jackman! DARREN DOESN'T NEED THIS ON HIS RESUME! ...... No wait.... I'm sorry.... Darren just read the script and quit, claiming it is absolute bullshit. Nice!

Recurring themes[edit]


In both The Wrestler and Requiem for a Dream, Darren's lead female character is some sort of prostitute. Jennifer Connelly becomes that black guy's bitch, Marisa Tomei is a stripper, and Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were, well, a pair of sluts. Darren features such in his films to mimick his other occupation, i.e. sex slave owner.


Drugs take a big part in all four of Darren's films. In Pi, Max obviously is smoking marijuana and taking pills prescribed from his shrink. All of the characters Requiem for a Dream are drug addicts. In The Fountain, Rachel Weisz takes drugs for chemo. Also, the whole film is a symbol for drug use. Hugh Jackman obviously symbolized heroin in at least three forms of intake, and Rachel Weisz is marijuana usage. It's really a love story between a needle and a joint. In The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke does cocaine and steroids. Rourke's wrestler character somehow also is taking more pills that were prescirbed by a doctor. And in Black Swan, Natalie Portman takes an acid trip that results in her sleeping with Mila Kunis. Such a theme is used to help Darren promote his movies drug store, which is co-run by Cheech & Chong and their top client is Woody Allen, who stops in once an hour for some marijuana to cool him down. All the drugs seen in his films could be bought in his store! Right down on 123 Brooklyn Avenue. If Cheech or Chong are seen smoking on the job, you get a gram free! As seen in Requiem for a Dream.


Every character in Darren's films is incredibly depressed. If you're not depressed and in a Darren Aronofsky film, then you must be a figment of someone's imagination, or you really ought to work elsewhere. Depression is used a as a filmic device because Darren wants the world to know how he feels when he is not either raping someone, selling drugs, or making a movie.

Personal life[edit]

Darren is currently hiding from the police because Natalie Portman, Jennifer Connelly, Marissa Tomei, Mila Kunis, and Rachel Weisz unwillingly live in his basement in dog cages, wearing no clothing whatsoever, just wearing a dog collar as his pets. He drugs them to believe that they were never human and that they will do whatever the fuck he says. He constantly rapes them, most notably Weisz who is the mother of his child. I wish I knew him, just the thought of having those women be pets gives me a boner.

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