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Brooklyn (aka CROOK-lyn), New York used to be one of the most famous cities in the United States. It was "The Greatest Generation" that made it so, before they all moved to Long Island or directly to Florida. Brooklyn is burning, and boy brother if you buy anything else than have I've got a bridge to sell you.

Famous for its "Big Booty Bitches, it is one of the five boroughs of New York City (the others being Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx and Coney Island). On top of Brooklyn is Queens (Queens County), which is a geographic illustration of how progressive those New Yorkers are.

Many famous people sprung from Brooklyn. Great names like Isaac Asimov, Woody Allen, Captain America, Legio Caesar and Murder Incorporated were born and grew up in Brooklyn. The Brooklynese accent was so strong and irritating like a wasp buzzing in July. It was considered another language, like Ebonics. It took years of English training for a native of Brooklyn to be understood west of the Hudson River or north of the Long Island Sound. Also, Ice Cream fights are very common on brooklyn.


Like New Jersey, Brooklyn (formerly Breuklein or however they spelled it) was first settled by the Dutch who were unwilling to pay those high New Amsterdam rents. Hence why New Yorkers can barely pronounce an "r." The accent variants had German/Dutch pronunciations.

What put Brooklyn on the map was its being the venue of George Washington's first retreat from the British in the Battle of Long Island (on which Brooklyn sits) in the good old Revolutionary War. Under cover of night, he and his troops slipped down the hill in Brooklyn Heights, got into rowboats and quietly made their way into New York City (now called Manhattan), stopped at Fraunce's Tavern for a quick drink and a quickie, and then crossed the Hudson to New Jersey. He really gave those Brits the slip, and likely fathered a child in the process. But I digress...

The Brooklyn sewers are renowned for their reptile problem; be careful down there, you could get jumped.

Brooklyn lost its independence to New York City in 1898 when Minute Men from Manhattan stormed through the newly built Brooklyn Bridge.

They regained independence the next day when the Hares blew up the Brooklyn Bridge because the minuteman didn't bring any cookies.

They lost their independence the next summer because of a wasp plague which killed the Hares and rebuilt the bridge.

Property values soared when it was learned that Larry King had moved to Florida, years before his first appearance on CNN. Brooklyn had really come into its own.

Northern Brooklyn, from Brooklyn Heights to Park Slope, is the home of the Wall Street set. To live in Brooklyn Heights, you must be a badged Goldman Sachs employee.

Southern Brooklyn, especially Coney Island and Brighton Beach are governed by the Russian Mafia. Coney Island houses the world headquarters of the Polar Bear Club, which is becoming endangered by global warming. Soon, their New Year's Day romp in the waters of Coney Island Beach will be like diving into a heated pool with condoms floating on top of the water, as compared to today, when it is like diving into liquid ice with condoms floating on top.