Florida
“That's 5 dollars to watch the show.”
“The only state where the more north you go, the more southern it gets.”
Republic of Florida | |||||
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| Motto: In Trust we God | |||||
| Anthem: "Florida, Where the Saw Meets Your Neck" | |||||
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| Capital | Tallahassee | ||||
| Largest city | Jacksonville | ||||
| Official language(s) | English | ||||
| Government | Oligarchy | ||||
| ‑ Governor | Omar Mateen R | ||||
| ‑ Lt. Governor | Carlos López-Cantera R | ||||
| Declaration of Independence |
1861-1861 | ||||
| Population | 19,552,860 | ||||
| Time Zone | Eastern: UTC-5/-4 | ||||
Florida (nicknamed The Killzone), is a state in the Southern United States of America. It is located on a peninsula on the southern edge of the United States that appears to be the dick of North America with the Florida keys constituting the cum from said dick (with Cuba constituting the puddle). Florida is best known as a place where one may kill whomever they wish at anytime for no specific reason (hence the nickname). This attitude toward life has proven itself to be a benefit to industries such as crime, which have be allowed to flourish within the state. Over the past few decades , there has been an increasing amount of instability in this region, due in part to South Floridiots wanting to claim independence from the rest of Florida. Residents of South Florida feel as if they should be independent from the religious extremists in the north and the extremist regime that runs Florida's government. However, the oligarchs in power have been able to squash any uprisings and protests without much trouble. Florida is also known as the athletic state, due to the many successes of Floridiots in professional sports.
The demonym for Florida residents is Florida Man or Floridiot.
AKAs
The Florida Panhandle is known to the locals as "Fla" or "Fu*king Lower Alabama." Florida is not to be confused with the Deep South. Its not good enough. but its farther south, this is confusing to people farther north
A large number of Cubans have been allowed residency in Florida as political refugees, and have become an important voting block in the region. A good, responsible, and American dream following Cuban refugee is Tony "Scarface" Montana. Many tourist attractions have a Cuban "flair" due to this. Key West has the "boat watch" at its southern tip. Hundreds watch for boatloads of Cubans arriving to Florida in homemade rafts. Once here, they urinate in the ocean while facing their former homeland! The Cuban people are warm, friendly, and smell like fish. The Cuban woman are whores and also quite friendly, especially if you yell "Fidel se calló" as you greet them. Why cigars have been allowed to vote, nobody knows. Most of the original refugees were fleeing from the dictatorial communist rule of Fidel Castor inventor of Castor oil, only to be fooled into working low paying jobs in a dictorial capitalist state. George Bush is good friends with Fidel Castor.
Most drivers in Florida are called Floridiots. Many of them drive at 7 MPH in the HOV lane, and are staging a coup to make the world's speed limits 8 MPH, are "voting challenged", and install hanging flowers, gardens, and refillable hard candy bowls at every corner. Mwuhahaha!
(Just kidding. Real Florida drivers aka Tourists usually drive about 100 mph on their interstates because the state is that effing big and it takes that long to get in and out of it. Those who drive any slower eventually give up because they become too old to want to leave, and thus they settle down and retire. However, New Yorkers who migrate down find plenty of open road, and are able to speed at their will. They cannot be stopped as Florida State Troopers cannot perceive the unusually fast objects.) The legal number of cars that can run a red light at once is 10 in Florida.
Floridiots are born pissed at you, so get out of the state you dumb tourist!
Climate and Wildlife
In Florida, climate consists of hot winters and sweltering hot summers. This is due to North Florida's sub-tropical and South Florida's tropical climate. In North Florida it snows every 1000 years while in South Florida it can never snow (it couldn't even snow here during the last ice age). However, there is a prophecy in the book of Revelations that states that the Apocalypse will begin when snow falls on Miami, Key West, and Tampa. It was feared that 2014 would be the year that this prophecy would come true because frost came to Tampa, but the prophecy clearly states that it needs to snow and not just in Tampa.
Wildlife
Many old people move to Florida for its lack of snow, but they often overlook that Florida is home to literally thousands of species of animals that will most certainly kill you, as well as thousands more that might, and millions that are just plain annoying. South Florida is classified as a jungle. Is means that most of Florida only has to deal with the typical hazards of American wildlife in the Southern United States. For instance, if one would like to have a BBQ party in their own backyard but didn't know the right precautions to take, one would end up being bitten by small gnats and mosquitoes the entire time. One the other hand, doing the same thing in the South Florida jungle could end up several ways.
First, it is a given that one will definitely be bitten by insects in South Florida, however, these insects will be significantly larger and one will certainly contract various viruses from these insects. Secondly, if one has taken precautions against insects one will still find that other wildlife like alligators and panthers will begin to pick off your guests one by one. One certainly needs to be an athlete to escape the wildlife in Florida. Thirdly, if one has accounted for both insects and land animals by having a BBQ party on a yacht, one will be left open to attacks by Great White Sharks, killer dolphins, and killer whales who will capsize your yacht. As soon as you see dolphins and sharks chasing your watercraft you needs to call the U.S. Coast Guard immediately.
The Florida Keys are great for a scenic drive. Half of them are beautiful, and the other half are beautiful and smell like rotting fish. This is all part of an ecological experiment involving plutonium-warmed coral reefs. At the end of the drive is Key West. The population of Key West is 25% rich people with quarter million dollar homes and statues of David and Venus on their lawns, and 75% Homosexuals. You can identify these homosexuals by their name, Jonathan, and they usually have a lazy eye and love lobster fishing. Also, it is the country's largest retirement home, filled with all of the North's unwanted senior citizens.
Old people make up 65% of the population, all of them speaking with a New Jersey-style accent. Most of the above are known for wearing excessive amounts of Chanel No. 5 and 5k gold jewelry which leads to popular jokes such as "Michael Phelps did awesome at the Bejjing Olympics, he now has as much gold as a Miami Jew". They are shipped to Florida by loving family members in the hopes that the next hurricane will kill them. The rest of the population is made up of rednecks and rich people who cannot handle the cold. The tension between rednecks and Northerners is quite prominent, and the rednecks are quick to assert their status as the "real" Floridians. According to their definition of a real Floridian, one must: be born in Florida, enjoy a good monster truck rally, know how to hunt and fish, swim with manatees, and regularly wrestle alligators. Membership in the KKK is preferable, but not absolutely necessary in all areas.
Demographics
As of 2010, there are 18,801,310 Floridiots residing in Florida. This is an increase of 2,818,932 from the births within the state and the influx of probable psychopaths from around the world. This figure also includes the 783,823 killings which took place in Florida and 500,329 deaths from either the inhospitable climate and dangerous wildlife in Florida.
Athletes make up 100% of natural born Floridiots. This is a known fact, due to studies conducted by the World Health Organization. Many families from unathletic parts of the United States have tried to capitalize on this by kidnapping baby Floridiots in order to raise them as their own. This normally ends up in disaster, because those athletes grow up wondering why they are so much better at everything than their peers.
Fat People Florida residents are either, lazy Athletes born in Florida or old people from the North or Midwest who think moving to Florida will improve their health.
Old people are a major destabilizing force in Florida. This is due to their religious extremism. The only reason they are allowed to live in Florida is because they rule Florida.
Economy
Cocaine trafficking has been the life blood of Florida's economy from 1940-2000. This was mainly to the benefit South Florida. It is known that everything good that ever happened in South Florida has happened because of Cocaine. For instance, when the oligarchs in South Florida made a business deal with a top Colombian businessman named Pablo Escobar, South Florida became mad rich. As a result, Florida gained 8 professional sports franchises (mostly in South Florida), Miami Hurricanes football became the greatest football program in NCAA football landscape of the day and South Florida went on an unprecedented building boom. North Florida was jealous because their source of income wasn't as effective as South Florida's source of income. As a result, the North Florida oligarchs launched a War on Drugs, aimed at destroying South Florida's economy. The main barometer for its effectiveness is evidenced in the fall of the Miami Hurricanes Football program and the lack of fans in the stands at Florida Marlins baseball games. An unintended consequence of the War on Drugs is that the entire state of Florida is now in a state of economic collapse, with towns and cities in Florida on the verge of bankruptcy.
Tourism
As of a result of the War on Drugs, tourism is now Florida's number one business sector. This is because there is just so much to do in Florida!
Government
The Florida government is ruled by the oligarchs whom are old and rich. As Florida's population has become younger and younger from the fountain of youth and trickle down economics; these oligarchs will from time to time select high school students to serve as there congressional pages. In 2000, Al Gore won Florida (due to South Florida's influence), but the oligarchs wouldn't have any of this as it would mean Al Gore would become the next president instead of the governor's older brother Prince George. So, the oligarchs demanded a recount and sent in a squad of 4 conservative ninjas to take the names and punch the chads of South Floridiots. Dubya ended up winning 100% of the vote in Florida.
South Florida independence
Currently there is a move for South Florida to be independent from the rest of Florida. This because South Floridiots believe that the religious extremism of North Florida is ruining their way of life. For instance, due to the war on drugs, South Florida (mainly Miami) has lost its main source of income (Cocaine). In 2008 South Florida entered an economic depression, South Floridiots blame the oligarchs in charge of Florida's government.
God's waiting room
Florida is also known as "God's Waiting Room" as a reference of the amazing massive amounts of old farts that live here. Do you kids know why that Florida is God's Waiting Room? Because Darth Vader has an 'Old Fart Becon' that tells all old farts to come to Florida. Darth Vader is making an old people army and the only thing we can do to stop him is to keep old people in retirement homes. The last thing we want is for old farts knocking on our door one day and beating us with their cane and saying "You damn teenagers!".
Do you ever wonder why hurricanes hitting Florida rack up the death toll? The answer is old farts. When old people here about hurricanes they 5 days before they hit they say "Dang nabit! I better get to my 1972 car!" Then for the next 3 days they try to get up. 4th day is when then finally get outside. On the 5th day when the hurricanes hit they are still trying to get to their car and the winds and water take the old fart and throws them into the sea. So much for Darth Vader's plans!
Florida facts
There's not a lot of interesting things down here but let's give it a shot:
- Florida's climate is inhospitable to all except for Native Americans.
- Motto "Where America goes to die".
- This place is full of old people, Cubans, and alligators... what a SHIT HOLE! Don't those who are from Pinellas County hear you say that so loudly to wake the neighbors, Mason City, Iowa gets the nickname Mason Shithole and those who get on you for saying "damn," "hell," "bastard" and "fuck."
- The barb "Florida Cheerful" is an ouch comment because they look for drabble and are celebrated for this.
- They act like they attended Brigham Young University and push The Greatest Showman down your throats. Talk about mindfulness and what not when you clearly ignore three idiots towing a shark at full speed for kicks.
- More Russian Jews than Tel Aviv, Israel.
- Only state known to not actually have a school shooting. This is possibly due to the entire state population owning a gun by age 13. See gun for more info.
- 78% of the population are over 65 yrs.
- Florida is the armpit of the world.
- It can be seen from these planets; planet Moon, planet Jupiter, and Uranus.
- More cheeseheads live here than in Wisconsin or Minnesota, at least during the winter and/or if they made lots of money off of cheese and beer.
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