|Nickname: The Patron State of Shootin' Stuff.|
|Motto: Agriculture, Commerce, Country Music and Whiskey|
|Anthem: Rocky Top|
|Government||Communist Federation of Conservatives|
|Largest city||Windows 98 (or was it Memphis?)|
|President||Jackson Daniels, II (Whig)|
|Admission to Union||1 June, 1796|
|Primary Exports||Novelty airbrushed shirts, Dolly Parton CDs, traumatized tourists, great country artists, terrible country artists, whiskey, M-80s, Mama's biscuits and gravy|
|Primary Imports||Slim Jims, Orange dye for making Volunteers paraphernalia|
Tennessee (/tɛnɨˈsiː/, or 'TAN-uh-say' by local residents) is a long, rectangular state located in the Southern United States. It joined the Union in 1796 as the 16th state, but changed its service plan after the bicentennial due to the United States Government's unwillingness to make it the nation's capitol. Tennessee is in a region known as the "Bible Belt," lending to its conservative Christian influence. Tennessee is also the home of Kentucky Bourbon and Elvis "Hound-dog" Presland.
The state of Tennessee borders eight states, most of which are even less important than Tennessee itself (especially Alabama), and is split up into three divisions based upon cleanliness: West Tennessee, Middle Tennessee, and East Tennessee. Tennessee is home to the second highest point of the Appalachian Mountains, Clingman's Dome, and has more caves than any other state, causing Tennessee to become a point of interest to the US Department of Homeland Security due to these potential hideouts for terrorists. In fact, most Tennesseans thought Osama Bin Laden was hiding in a cave in the Appalachian Mountains. Many still believe his compound was located in the mountain range.
The climate of Tennessee is very hospitable, comfortably suiting the mountain-toppers in the east and the ghettos in the west. In January, the weather is stably below freezing for as long as one whole week. During this time period, up to a quarter of an inch of snow may fall and shut down the state's "school" systems for the entire month of January, because the general population lacks shoes. (They still beat the Alabamians, who lack clothing.) While the actual snow may melt the next morning, Tennesseans will still stay home, as there's probably still "ice" on the road. By March, the weather is rapidly warming and scattered tornadoes are common, carrying monster trucks and trailers all the way into North Carolina. After a brief spring, summer arrives in April, when temperatures slowly begin climbing into the upper 90s. The period from May 1 to September 30, known as the "Our Budweisers Are Warm" period, consists of a six month drought with the highs reaching a pleasant 110 every other day. This is also when the plastic pools are unusable due to the quick heating of water. Most Tennesseeans resort to taking mud baths in the backyard. When the six-month summer ends in October, it begins to rain again. November follows with temperatures in the low 40s and constant rainfall. After Thanksgiving the heavy rains change over to snow, and the process repeats.
Early history (12000 B.C.-2000 B.C.)
The area of Tennessee was first settled by aliens called Psychlos. They brought humans in from other parts of the world to mine gold. A rebellion broke out led by a human named "Johnny", and quickly grew into a war. Led by General L. Ron Hubbard, the Psychlos' world was somehow destroyed along with Hubbard. A small window of peace erupted and humanity forgot how to use the crap they had built during the Probe War. Lord Xenu, who allied himself with the Psychlos, escaped from his volcano prison and murdered all humans in the region. He was stopped by Boredom and the fact that humans always win when aliens attack. However, before being "defeated", he released some alien ghosts that attach to newborn babies, then can only be removed by Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and other crazy rich actors. The Tennessee Plateau was then settled by Red People in the late 8000's B.C. They lived in peace and harmony with the land and all of the woodland creatures. Chief Standing Otter and his descendants ruled the prosperous and wealthy nation of Tanasi. No wars were fought, no crimes were committed except by Takesthepurse and his friends Wheresmylawyer and Runsfromthepolice, but they are not spoken of much by the natives. Yet, no biscuits were buttered or jammed throughout these happy millenia. But around 2000 B.C. things began to change. The Great Chief Pissing Moose was unable to quell a rebellion of the Eloi slaves located to the far north of Tanasi, around modern-day Belgium. This uprising lead to the single most-devastating event in the history of Tennessee.
The Swanson tribe of northern West Tennessee is of great note in the world history. They provided a large amount of support in the defense of Jericho against Skeletor and his mongol hordes. After the Swanson/Rockefeller army proved victorious, Andrew Jackson was quoted as saying, "These are times that try mens' souls."
Back in 1936, Tennessee and Missouri were both considered the same state because of the similar spelling in their names. It wasn't until 1950 that Former President George Bush realized that this was impossible and made them two separate continents.
Civil War (2000 B.C. - 1865 A.D.)
The Great War of Yankee Northern Downright Meanness, as it was called by the people of Tennessee, was the first war to be fought, not only against the North, but against itself as well. There were two main participants in this war. The Vile and/or Evil Yankees Northern Alliance, comprised of Kansas, and probably the rest of North America, though we were too busy killing each other to care. The aggressors, attacking the people of Tennessee with their combined might in people who looked just like the people of Tennessee in order, as one soldier put it, "To confuse the everlovin' HELL out of us! So we just killed everything, and hoped we got some of them Northern Ice-Devils too." The Northerners tried to overthrow the system of government that had ruled Tennessee for roughly 10,000 years since the great Probe Wars. "The victims of this cruel attack were none other than the people of Tennessee and its surrounding areas, just about anything that could be burned, hung, stolen, or shot. Even trees were suspected of being Yankee spies and hung from nooses that were strung-up on their own branches!", said Gen. Grant of Evil Yankee Fame. He went on to say, "I'm getting the everlovin' FUCK outta here! These people think I'm a damn TREE!" Historians agree, however, that he was NOT a tree, but are still unsure who killed whom. They think the general area of mass killing was (essentially all of Appalachia) and some of the other Southern States but, again, they were too busy murdering each other at the time to really keep accurate intel or to care.
Ruled by an iron fist by the descendants of Gen. Bryan D. Long, with Cookeville being the real seat of power. Modern Tennessee is considered to be the genesis of today's research of Weapons of Mass Destruction as well as a central source of electrical power for the entire world. Oak Ridge, the East Tennessee city partially responsible for the atom bombs of the 1940's, is home not only to world class scientific research facilities and horribly mutated wildlife, but also to high concentrations of rednecks, research scientists, and unintentional quasi-zombie radioactive creatures that the locals take photos with and post online.
Having the 18th largest economy in the United States, Tennessee's chief exports consist of cotton, Taylor Swift CDs, Southern Christianity, Capitalism, Taylor Swift books, racism, Taylor Swift clothes, electrical power, Taylor Swift cosmetics, meth, Tennessee sports promos featuring Taylor Swift, and Jack Daniels. Tennessee is also home to the Eastman Chemical Company, one of the world's largest producers of photographic material and crystal methamphetamine.
Jed and Jeb Chevrolet opened the Chevrolet Motor Company in Gnashville in 1863. Since there were no graphics artists at that time, they used the outline of the state as their corporate logo. Governor Swift sued that company for copyright infringement in 1901. As part of the settlement, the company was forced to move to Chevy Chase, MD. Chevrolet, Inc. was allowed to keep the logo and it is still in use today.
The population of Tennessee, as estimated by the U.S. Census Bureau, has two different population schedules. Monday through Friday, Tennessee has a population of approximately 6,156,719, except on holidays (during which an estimated 3 million citizens are on vacation). Since the state is closed on weekends the entire population must leave until Monday morning.
Tennessee is not ethnically diverse, as the primary ethnicity is African-American, a group that consists of more than 50% of the state's total population. They are, however, not considered for the ACTUAL population of the state, as only 10% of the local African-American community actually participated in the survey (this could be due to ethnic lethargy). Tennessee also has a strong Anglo-Christian presence, mostly concentrated in East Tennessee's rural Appalachia. This wholesome ethnic group is a primary contributor to Tennessee's methamphetamine and grain alcohol export.
More divisive than politics is college sports. The Tennessee Volunteers football team, in Knoxville, is the heart and soul of Tennessee. Peyton Manning, John Ward, General Neyland, and yes, Phil Fulmer are the Gods to most VOLniacs. The VOL fan base is the best in college football, or so their fans think. Just go up to Knoxville on Saturday gameday to see... but don't mention the words "Roll", "Tide", or "Gators" unless you want to be thrown into the Tennessee River, where you will surely meet the product of the Oak Ridge Nuclear Power Plant. The Big Orange was also recently training other gods, Lane and Monte Kiffin, who are very good about sportsmanship and saying swell things about the other teams, but they opted for non-god status when they pissed on the university's flag and called its mother a filthy toothless whore.
The Tennessee Titans play in Nashville and the Memphis Grizzlies basketball team has drawn a crowd from Arkansas and Mississippi. The good people of Nashville wanted a name reflective of their Tennessean tradition of sister banging so they named themselves the Titans. The Titans are of course the mythological Greek gods who were ruled by Chronos who liked to have sex with his sister and eat their children. Oh, and there's the Nashville Predators ice hockey team - in a state where hardly any one cares about hockey. College sports teams from the University of Tennessee, the University of Memphis, and Vanderbilt Tech divide the state into three, depending on fan loyalties. Minor league baseball teams are the Nashville Sounds and Memphis Redbirds of the Triple-A level Pacific Coast league, which is stupid given that Tennessee isn't anywhere near the Pacific Ocean. The Jackson Generals, Tennessee Smokies, and Chattanooga Lookouts of the Double-A level Southern League aren't worth shit.
Lane Kiffin inherited the throne of Tennessee Football from Krispy Kreme founder Phillip Fulmer on December 1st, 2008. He vowed to "bash our opponents into the ground and make them beg for mercy" his first day on the job, while also promising unlikely wins over the Florida Gators, Alabama Crimson Tide, and national powerhouse Vanderbilt. During the off season, Kiffin continued to harass opposing SEC coaches by calling Florida's coach Urban Meyer "a weinerless douchebag who whines too much," as well as calling Kentucky's coach Rich Brooks "an ugly old man." He didn't limit himself to name calling, as he once again targeted Urban Meyer by accusing of him trying to recruit one of Tennessee's top felons, Nu'keese Richardson, to the Florida Gators. Kiffin called Meyer "A mother <expletive> <expletive> sucking son of mother <expletive> son of a <expletive>. You don't call our mother <expletive> felons while they are visiting our <expletive> prisons here in the state of Tennessee. That's just not right. Urban Cryer, you will <expletive> pay for this in the swamp come September 19th, you whiny <expletive> idiot."
After all his smack talk, Kiffin led his Vols to a 7-5 record, and kept his promise to Urban Meyer, as Tennessee volunteered to play Florida in a swamp, with live Gators, and somehow proved victorious. For this win, Kiffin's contract was extended to 2150 with an annual payout of $300 with an extra $5 for every year Tennessee beats Florida.
After, Kiffy decided to head to Pasadena to coach USC, where he found little success and was fired mid-season in 2013, instigating massive house parties all over eastern Tennessee and beyond.
A central location for Tennessee's African-American community, making it the most violent city in the United States after Hirare, Zimbabwe. Justin Timberlake was also born here, coincidentally making it the city most likely to bring the sexy back. Elvisism is the major religion here, due to being the home of who else? Tourists flock to Memphis just to take a glimpse at Graceland, Elvis' estate where he's hiding after his "death" in 1977 and is buried in the back yard like a common hamster.
Nashville, located in Davidson County, is often called the donut hole, due to the fact that it is often surrounded by illiterate natives, republicans, and snow. Fortunately, there are still just as many bible thumpers in the basin as there are on the plateau to make sure the population remains instilled with a righteous nature. This population consists mostly of foreigners (referred to unanimously as "yankees") who come into the state with hopes of fame, good weather, and a lower income tax. In fact, finding a native Nashvillian is pretty rare, as most of them have moved out of the donut hole in indignation at the influx of educated, proud Prius owners, and consequently democratic, yuppies. Nashville is not only the world-renowned music capitol of the grand USA, with a record-breaking number of closing recording studios, but also the "Athens of the South". When the former Mayor Boner was invited by the ambassador of Turkey to see some of their national treasures, he declined, as Nashville already had a Parthenon of their own. Luckily, Jack White is still enthralled to represent Nashville, with his peculiar complaints, and idiosyncratic rivalries, such as the one he has with the also native Black Keys. At least the city is too self-obsessed to notice (or even care) about all the stars living in their neighborhoods. If one decides to visit the Music City capitol, they may traipse the Honky Tonk, melt in humidity, or explore the array of food options from around the globe, such as Asian, Mexican, Indian, or Grits.
Knoxville is one of America's slowest growing cities. The golden skyscraper at World's Fair Park has been resurrected in 2007 since it was closed down back in 1982. There is really no point in it still being erected. Knoxville was known once internationally due to the 1982 World's Fair; the collapse of its popularity shortly followed. Not much else to see except the massive colosseum called Neyland Stadium, where locals worship the deities of football and ingest large amounts of alcohol.
Chattanooga was named after legendary goat farmer James P. Chattanooga and was the site of the bloodiest battle in Armenian history. Most of its residents enjoy the sweet embrace of death as well as the dulcet sounds of the Chattanooga Chew-Chew.
One of Middle Tennessee's best kept secrets, although it once secretly belonged to Kentucky before Tennessee traded 3 hot chicks and a Rocket launcher for it. Visit Clarksville for a weekend and you'll probably leave severely injured. It's a home where Fort Campbell soldiers rest from any war.
- Antioch - Where the Mexican, Black, and Native American gangs shoot at each other on a daily basis. Also known as "Hispanioch".
- Brentwood - The town that's glad it's not Franklin. Despised by the rest of the state for the high number of snobby upper class citizens with right-wing attitudes and ridiculous houses. Haslamgrade has tried twice before to moderate the town of Christians by shipping them to Kentucky, but the plot failed.
- Byrdstown - Jamestown minus Wal-Mart, McDonalds, a stop-light, or any places of interest besides some guy's birthplace. Come on down to Dale Hollow Lake and have yourself a sip of its magical pristine water.... that gets all the women bare-foot and pregnant by the age of 16 in this town. It goes well with a steaming pile of tea-party conservatism and bigotry served to you by the good ol' city of Byrdstown. Y'all come back now, ya hear?!
- Cookeville -The de facto capital of Tennessee and home to Lord Bryan VII's Huge Imperial Mansion. It is also home to the "Second final victr'y over the Vile, evil Yankees under Generals Long and Lee" Battlefield. It is a small city that people from smaller cities flock to because it's not as small as their cities (and to catch a glimpse of their glorious leader). The town is dominated by a Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, and another Wal-Mart just feet beyond the city limits. Small business owners were brutally killed while Wal-Mart's stormtroopers burned their stores to ashes, then sent their kids to Sam's Camps(located in the Re-Education dept. in Wal-Mart stores) to be trained as future worker drones who will work until death. Cookeville is also home to TTU campus and is listed seventh on the top ten places to retire, making Cookeville the only city that is a college town/retirement community and leading to all around unhappiness, with high weed, beer, and RX pill sales for both sides. Clubs are opened, then closed, because churches and old people dislike them. So, most college students make the annual weekend migration to Nashville in order to go clubbing. Mexicans often reproduce here and move to nearby Monterey. Cookeville is also known for the Giant Probe War 2 era Statue to Ell Ron Hubbard exhumed by Archaeologists.
- Sewanee - Only remaining medieval fiefdom in the United States, home to the University of the South which is Sewanee which is the University of the South which is owned by the non-proliferating dioceses of the southern Episcopal Church. Has an active gay, lesbian, and transgender population of two. Also home to one of the world's great carillons, which can be heard but not seen. Students can sometimes be found studying at local bars.
- Shelbyville - Home to a putrid chicken slaughterhouse, high amounts of Mexicans and Somalians, and the Tennessee Walking Horse Celebration (they hurt them horses). In order to keep the failing town alive from animal rights activists, Haslamgrade forces its 2 million metro citizens to journey to Shelbyville twice a year to run abandoned businesses in order to please the six tourists expected for the Horse Celebration.
- Alcoa - Alcoa stands for Aluminum Company of America. Millions of empty soda cans come to Alcoa to be recycled in Alcoa's gigantic smelter. Alcoa employees are in the "truck system," paid in molten aluminum, which they sell on the street to raise cash. No one in Alcoa has a sense of humor.
- Appalachia - A brutal labor camp located near Mount LaConte. Liberals and minorities are regularly sent there, especially during winter, to sew orange athletic gear for the University of Tennessee.
- Cleveland - The odometer rollback capital of the world.
- Crab Orchard - Tennessee's largest exporter of Maryland Blue Crabs. The people of Crab Orchard take great pride in their crabs and everyone has them.
- Crossville - Shit metal hardcore emo bitch capital of the south. More shit metal comes out of this city than every other city in Tennessee combined. The local train depot is a popular tourist destination. Also home to a lot of old people who love metal.
- Dandridge - Crumpled cans of Bud Light that will never reach Alcoa. People who own $50,000 boats and live in shanties on the lakeside. Downtown comprises bankrupt boutique businesses and a one-lane bridge called the "Blue Bridge" (even though it is green) that is divided into two lanes. Passing a car on the Blue Bridge is a nightmare, and every car garaged in town has scrape-marks on both sides.
- Newport - The gayest place in Tennessee. Newport is in Cocke County, so named because Cockfighting was once legal. A mecca for those who like Walmart and Bojangles.
- Oak Ridge - The most recognizable place in East Tennessee, due to the Y-12 National Laboratory. A race of atomic mutants lives beneath the Laboratory. Residents become nervous and quiet when asked about them, and may slam the door on the visitor.
- Ocoee - Tennessee's rowing/kayak capital. In 1996, athletes from Atlanta borrowed the entire town for the whole summer, to compete for a gold medal in rowing at that year's Olympics.
- Pigeon Forge - Called the Las Vegas of Tennessee even though there is no casino. Its main attraction is the Dollywood amusement park. Also the birthplace of Dolly Parton, who converts park admission into more silicone.
- Sevierville - Good city for tourists who don't know English. One can navigate the entire city with a phrase book containing only: "All you can eat," "Dinner & Show," "NASCAR." Surprisingly, contains a bookstore, and people have been seen entering it, though not actually reading anything.
- Sweetwater - Home of the largest underground water tank in the world, which supplies all of East Tennessee in case of drought. The tank is invisible, and there is nothing notable that is visible.