|Anthem: Technotronic - Pump up the jam|
|Capital||According to the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium: Antwerp (named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the French-speaking part of Belgium: Namur (named Namen by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the Nazi German-speaking part of Belgium: Vielsalm (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels.|
|Largest city||According to the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium: Antwerp (named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the French-speaking part of Belgium: Liège (named Luik by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the Nazi German-speaking part of Belgium: Eupen (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels.|
|Official language(s)||Flemish, French, Nazi German and Nothing|
|‑ Dictator||Jean-Claude Van Damme|
|National hero(es)||Tintin and The Smurfs|
|Currency||French fries (The chocolate melts too fast).|
|Population||According to the Dutch- and Nazi German-speaking part, there aren't any Belgians. According to the French-speaking part, there are about 11 million Belgians, of wich approximately 4 million are superior to the other 6 million.|
Belgium is a small state of peculiarity, confusion and mystery between France to the west, the Netherlands or Dutchland or Hollandria or whatever in the east, and Poland in the south. It is a confederacy of two and a half highly distinct and incompatible nations. The main occupation in Belgium is asking oneself what Belgium is, and why - and if - it exists. Belgium is very famous for the fact that nobody really knows anything about the country, including the Belgians themselves.
According to the latest textbooks of American public schools, Gaul is divided into three parts, one of which the Belgians inhabit. The Belgians are the bravest, because they are furthest from the civilization and refinement of our Province, and merchants least frequently resort to them, and import those things which tend to effeminate the mind; and they are the nearest to the Germans, who dwell beyond the Rhine, with whom they are continually waging war; for which reason the Swiss also surpass the rest of the Gauls in valor, as they contend with the Germans in almost daily battles, when they either repel them from their own territories, or themselves wage war on their frontiers.
Belgium is fictionally - because fundamentally it is not known at all - known to be possibly fictional, and to be more specific a phantasm of former United States president Bill Clinton. Although this statement might be fictional as well.
One of the traditions in Belgium is to drink themselves "Pert Total" this phenomenon often happens in Hamont-Achel and the more eastern cities in Belgium.
Truth and untruth
The lies: Belgium’s fame
According to the Belgian book Belgium’s Fame, Belgium would be famous for its chocolate, waffles, beers, cheese, French fries and, above all, the discovery that all these go great together. In reality though, there is no living Belgian who actually knows anything of all this, nor has any Belgian ever read or even heard of this book. Therefore, we can conclude that absolutely no living being has any mental conception of the idea of “Belgium’s fame”. Unsurprisingly, in linguistical terms, the phrase “Belgium’s fame” is unquestionably the ultimate example of contradictio in terminis.
But still, it is true that Belgians are the best at making Belgian cheese: no other country has ever proven itself better at - or has ever come up with the idea of - making Belgian cheese. Even more, it is true that the (southern) Belgians invented French fries. As a matter of fact, it was they who invented French and Frenchness, to allow the northern Belgians to start hating it. And they succeeded.
The truth: mystery, mythology, and evil
The truth about why you will never hear anything about Belgium is that the Belgians have managed to complicate their whole country so excessively that no outsider will ever take the effort of trying to understand it, nor will anybody be interested in it. As a logic consequence, they are free to do whatever they want, and "everything" includes nude drunk dancing in public while dangerously swinging back and forth a machine gun - which is a cultural habit in Belgium.
It is because of the country’s mysteriousness and all other nations’ general - and very natural - disinterest in it, that most European Union bodies are situated in its capital, Brussels: to cover their gay sex-oriented activities. It was actually thanks to the Belgians that the European Union was even born: Belgium is the only country in which massive international, multilingual and interracial gay hard core sex organizations that use the idea of a central supranational political force for a whole continent as a cover for its true purposes, were not illegal. European president Herman van Rompuy sure is a naughty boy.
This Belgian mysteriousness is due to their heathen beliefs, in which Belgianification of the globe is seen as the utter Nirvana. Belgian mythology states that this process must and will once take place. As the godfather of Belgian mythology, Godfather O’Balgianmythologey, once expressed it: "We shall conquer the world, we shall capture each and every state, we shall rename them, all of them, as Belgium - finally creating more than 190 Belgiums and excessively complicating the whole matter, as it should, being Belgian." In this way they would be able to scare off other galaxies with their uninteresting complexity, in preparation of their next goal, universe domination. No-one knows what they would actually intend to do when they have conquered the universe. Certainly not the Belgians, who sadly don’t even have a clue of what the word Nirvana (which their mythology Godfather mentions all of the time) would even mean.
But only very recently, the process seems to have been put in action: in the 19th century, Belgians utterly cunningly undertook two notable steps to world domination: firstly, Belgian beer brewers purposely helped their northern nabours mess up their inferior “beer” Heineken, and spread this nastiness over the globe as a cancer. Secondly, by keeping their numerous divine beers secret, the Belgians would soon become the only earthlings not contaminated with this Dutch body-and-mind-deteriorating crap. Over some decades, this would make them the strongest people on earth. Belgianification could commence. Indeed, Belgians are evil.
Some more facts
- Belgians are experts of disguise. In case of high need, they are able to transform themselves into Frenchmen by surgically removing half of their brain cells, or in Dutchmen by only keeping 1% of their natural brain volume. With the help of fake big teeth and Poirot mustaches, respectively.
- As an aim to frighten outsiders, the country was originally named Belgiaanaakfraaitafraaityanum. Yet in common speech Belgians use to drop the -aanaakfraaitafraaityan- in most words, for example in the word eaanaakfraaitafraaityann, which means and in Dutch.
- To cover their heathen beliefs, they built churches. To preserve these relatively pointless monuments, they pay millions a year. To afford all this, they invented the euro.
- One major stereotype linked to the Belgians is that their main celebrities are fictional, for example Tintin, Plop the Gnome, Gargamel and Hercule Poirot. True as this may be, after all, seen from another angle all Belgians are probably fictional creatures created by Bill Clinton.
- Whenever France and Germany have a 'disagreement', Belgium is the first to suffer despite not being part of either country.
Belgians and sax
If there is one thing that characterizes Belgian society, it must be sax. So if it doen’t, the Belgians must be totally uncharacterizable and thus in some way soulless. As a matter of facts, they could even be zombies. But, even though these surely are plausible theories, let’s assume - or pretend? - that they do have some culture and history.
The roots of sax
Adolphe Sax is the inventor of the saxophone, and currently dead. However, there is a lot of dispute concerning this
famous utterly unkown Belgian scientist, and all that is historically proven about this brilliant man, is that he is the inventor of the mussel, of the for foreigners too large condom, and of sex (previously spelled sax).
Adolphe Sax is frequently considered to be a figment of president Bill Clinton's imagination, as the whole country of Belgium itself is too. Clinton, being the only foreigner to whom the definition of the FFTLC does not apply, would have come up with the name Belgium as he was unable to read the characters after the "Made in B" on the FFTLC - he would have hurt his eye with the top of his saxophone. Which is very (Belgianly) confusing since he could impossibly have invented the origin from the inventions that form the actual reason of coming across the idea of inventing it. For this reason, the Bill Clinton anecdote may be called as confusing and possibly fictional as Belgium itself.
The rise of sax
In Belgium’s early days, when the very very extreme majority (one hundred percent) of the inhabitants spoke Nothing, the Belgians soon discovered that sax (or sex) is a very pleasant thing. This sudden shift in social behaviour resulted in a demographical rise, very to the Belgians’ surprise.
“Damn, where do all these babies come from?”
Yet it did not take them long to realize that with a population foundation of about 5 Belgians, the descendants were often malformed. It didn’t take them very long either to find a solution to this problem. Partly, the unwanted handicapped babies were sent to Mongolia, where they founded Mongolian culture. The other not-so-tenderly-loved children were brought to the tiny Nazi German speaking part of Belgium, also called Little Auschwitz, where they knew exactly how to handle little ones.
Together with this historical event, the Great Central Belgian Chocolate Mines were discovered. These mines contained ancient fossils of prehistorical Spanish fly. These fossils made Belgian chocolate a highly effective afrodisiacum. And that’s how their tradition of systematically raping all Dutch, French and Nazi German women hails from. It was part of the tradition to take the offspring back to the homeland, and to dump the Belgian genetic waste - the pile of malformed babies that were simply too much to handle for General Fritz Atomium, the only Little Auschwitz citizen - in Belgium’s neighboring countries. Therefore, Belgium has become a mixed-race culture with two glorious components: the Walloons, who are the direct descendants of the French; and the Flemish, who are the direct descendants of the Dutch. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural jacobinistic authoritarian society - where all cultures are welcome and tolerated as long as they surrender to the dominant French valeurs and ultimately recognize that they do not exist, and French intellectualism, also known as stupidité. The Flemish, on the other hand, are hyperactive uneducated farmers and bad ass fascists inhibited by the fact that they speak the ugliest language on Earth. Because of this, they moved from Dutch to Flemish.
Sax in everyday Belgian life
- Up to today, Belgians have great sex lives. Because Belgians eat so much chocolate a day, it often happens that people suddenly take their clothes off in trains, at work or on the streets to jump on the person closest to them. It is hard for native Belgians to realize that tourists don’t see rape as a nice compliment.
- Having the best chocolate and secretly most divine beers in the world, no-one doubts that the combination of both produces the factual worst possible indigestion in the world. Fortunately, nude drunk vomiting in public while dangerously swinging back and forth a machine gun is a very pleasant cultural habit in Belgium.
- Inter-group marriage has been severely inhibited by systematic back-stabbing. Flemish-Walloon couples that manage to survive disdain, mischief, reprobation, persecution, murder, slavery and suitless outer space EVA do take traditional husband-wife misunderstandings to a whole new level of bitterness, as they both hurl insults in each other's language while pretending not to understand it.
Belgium has four official languages: French in the southern part, Dutch in the northern part, German in the Nazi part, and Nothing throughout the whole country. Which they all scarily and absurdly master better than all other people speaking these languages, and certainly better than the Hollanders. Except for Herman Van Rompuy.
Dutch and the Move to Flemish Movement
A lot of Belgians speak Dutch. The reason for this is, as the Belgians claim, "because our mommies and daddies speak it". Further linguistic examination shows us that these mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies respond with the exact same answer. Nevertheless, even further examination remarkably shows that the mommies and daddies of the mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies do not speak Dutch at all - they are all, without exception, speakers of the language of Nothing. Some recent studies could establish a relationship between this fact on the one hand and on the other hand, the fact that they're all dead. Though some quite critical critics object this theory.
However, in the Late Middle Ages, some famous - though in reality, all Belgians are just equally unknown - and ingenious Belgians discovered that speaking Dutch causes some severe issues, some of which fatal. These issues had eventually moved the Belgians to make the Move to Flemish Movement.
- Most importantly, the disgust that certain Dutch phonemes universally bring on - and in particular the extremely sickening and horridly repulsing rasping-and-retching sound which the Hollanders still think the CH should be pronounced as - used to be of great inconvenience: in those days it wasn't uncommon at all to see people around you vomit whenever you started speaking. People simply got overwhelmed by uncontrollable revulsion. Certainly in periods of famine, this was a huge problem. This is the main reason why the Dutch up to today, not having moved to Flemish, are still very tight with money: one has always to be prepared for a period of less resistance to Dutch speech disgust. In these times of famine, a very effective way of joking and bullying (and murdering) consisted of constantly saying goodday, good morning and good afternoon, which in Dutch is CHCHoeiedaCH, CHoeiemojCHCHe and CHCHoeiemiddaCHCH. If good evening didn't do the trick (CHoeie afent), you could still have some patience and remorselessly throw them the words CHCHCHoeienaCHCHt in the face (good night). And if even that was not enough, you could still give that old Dutch cradlesong a try that imitates the sea sound. Translated into Dutch, this gives the following lyrics: CHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCH. Dutch bedclothes were often dirty.
- What is more, the Dutch language, internationally accepted as the Big Throat Disease, causes throat cancer. Therefore, Dutchmen very commonly die young, with their voice and power of speech deteriorating at the speed of voice-and-power-of-speech-deterioration. Already in an early stage, the only sound they can make is that of the old lullaby mentioned above. In the earliest stages of Belgianness, the Belgians desperately needed to reproduce (originally, in the Stone Age, the total number of Belgians was zero), so they couldn't afford anyone to die of linguistic causes. Belgian investigation again proves that "Even when the Dutch do not die of throat cancer, they always die", giving them an extra reason to move to Flemish.
- On top of that, not suffering from the Dutchmen's minority complex, Belgians find it unnecessary to always be talking in a shouting and squealing way to get the public's attention. To the contrary, the Belgians, as already emerged in this article, prefer to mysteriously stay in the background to hide their world domination plans. Dutchmen were also frequently shot and killed by hunters, who reported that they sounded like crows, vultures, ostriches, baboons, hyenas, sharks, Dutchmen, geese, evil donkeys, and that "I am just necrophiliac".
Given all these reasons, it has been a wise decision of the Belgians to improve the Dutch language into a less annoying and mortal version, which they called Flemish. Unfortunately, it does force them to produce great masses of mucus, which is verry irritating when playing the saxophone. Out of the question, in Spanish, Flemish is called flamenco. To a higher level out of the question, according to Google Translate, "I like to beat my Flemish wife 'cause she's damn ugly" is to be translated to Spanish as "Me gusta golpear la causa de mi esposa flamenco 'ella es maldita fea".
The other tongues
As for the southern French-speaking part of the country, things are completely different: they're simply weak imitations of the French, though wannabe-French and un-French enough to bizarrely be pathetically yet insufficiently French. The generally neglected German-speaking part, which is surprisingly enough even far more uninteresting and unknown than Belgium itself, even in Belgium itself, is a remain of Nazi Germany, and so the inhabitants speak Nazi German. As for the Nothing-speaking part: nothing.
Communication is an important element in the average Belgian’s life. It is an attitude they share with their northern neighbors, the Dutch. Still, when put the two together, it can give some peculiar results.
Firstly, there is one general rule that is true for all Dutchman-to-Belgian conversations: they all end with a Dutchman unable to comprehend the Belgian and a Belgian giving up motivation to explain things to Dutchmen. Also, there is always one general, relatively uncomplicated yet very interesting conclusion that both parties make after these conversations. Which will be explained later on.
The second rule is that, in their free time, Belgians and Dutchmen use to hate each other. On the one hand, the Belgians have established the folkloristic habit of making jokes about the Dutchmen. Since 1890, Belgian government even has a law for it: thou shalt make fun of the Hollanders. Thou shalt focus on their silliness, dumbness, appearance, way of screeching (speaking) and their inferiority complex, but most of all, thou shalt laugh at them being inhumanly - as our Belgian scientists have already proven - stingy. Also, thou shalt use “thou shalt” in stead of “you must”. Ignoring the 4% minimum paedophilia law, this has been the most respected Belgian law since time immemorial.
“How do you catch a Dutchman? You slam the toilet seat down while he's drinking.”
On the other hand, Dutch people regard Belgians stupid, e.g. (to a Belgian):
“How cumfyoosh you a Belchan? Tsfentsee-Wan....”
(In this mysterious and subtle way, the Belgian hopes to open the Dutchman's eyes to his feeble linguistic intelligence).
It may not surprise that the general both-party conclusion after these nice chats generally reads as follows:
Note that the Belgians are the least confusable people in the world, since they are accustomed to the biologically and physically highest possible confusion ever.
Political Confusion and Complexity
Belgians do not have a word for politics. They did, however, take the concept of it from their neighbouring countries, but they gave it a slight Belgian twist - which is, by the way, also a well-known dance in Belgium, commonly performed unclothed - and called it Political Confusion and Complexity. There are no Belgian politicians; there are only Belgian Political Confusers and Belgian Political Complexitificitiers. Political Confusion and Complexity is represented in the Ministry of Confusion and Complexity by the most complex and most confused Belgians.
Belgian politics is based on Belgian Logics, which can again be described as just logics, but put through a good old Belgian twist. One of the theoretical founders of Belgian Logics is Jean Kloot, a respectable Walloon professor who has gained a lot of respect in the Belgian academic world. He is considered one of the nation’s most important and influential intellectuals, went to the University of Brussels, Namur and Little Auschwitz, wrote several academic essays with (as the Belgians consider it) groundbreaking scientific insights, and was finally promptly put in Berlin’s Madhouse for the Extremely Cracked as soon as he crossed the border. He was also the inventor of the expression “world-famous in Belgium”.
In respect of Political Confusion and Complexity, the following golden rule, made up by Jean Kloot, is of great importance: ‘’In order to create the highest possible confusion and complexity, law should always conflict as much as possible with reality, morality and finally with the people’s wishes and nature’’.
Consequences of the golden rule
- If two peoples have nothing in common with one another at all, cannot understand one another’s language, hate each and every aspect of one another, from the way they look to what they say and do, and finally are absolutely and undoubtedly impossibly unitable, and any union would never be of any advantage for either party at all, they are to be united. Because of this, the two peoples of Walloons and Flemings united and so created the very nation of Belgium. Up to today, many Belgians still respect this political-confusion-and-complexitificital decision, because if Belgium would seize to exist, all Belgians would suddenly vanish from Earth.
- No-one likes education. Therefore, the nation must provide the world’s most advanced and complex educational system, and it must be obliged untill death - although Belgian Logics shows that education is most effective after death.
- There has to be an absolute distinction between the Bible and the law: law should contain more internal contradictions than the Bible, and should be more open to several interpretations.
- The only sense that having a royal family could ever have, would be that at least one of the members of it would have the power to rule; and if not, they must at least form a fascinating, interesting and intriguing group of people who are loved and praised by the people. Therefore, Belgium has the most boring royal family in the history of history, a king that does not have the power to rule and on top of all this, no-one knows them.
- No citizen should know the national anthem.
- If it is the king’s aim to unite both of the country’s peoples, it is advised that he insults one of them, for example in a 2012 Christmas speech.
- The Ministry of Confusion and Complexity is currently discussing a law that would stimulate building residences nearby heavily used roads, in danger-of-flooding zones and industrial areas, and building industrial constructions in residential areas. The purpose would be to generate innumerable judicial complaints concerning noise nuisance etc., which would - as they aim - generally result in vast masses of paperwork for the court to treat that raise the judicial officers’ stress in such an extent that they either die of a heart attack or commit suicide, a consequence that would unfortunately result in even more paperwork, which would all eventually create an infinite chain of clerical and judicial horror. Chances are high that the Ministry would reject this proposal, because it vaguely seems to have a trifle of sense. In cases like these, a law is often considered “not Belgianly twisted enough”. Injecting some exhaustingly complex French-Dutch translating complications in order to raise the amount of needless paperwork could add some flavor to it.
- When the people is in high need of governmental action, the government should take a break for a couple of hundreds of days. They should participate in extravagant European Union parties and discover that gayness, unlike Belgium, exists. In 2010 for example, the government collapsed because they couldn't agree about a final solution for the only question that matters to Belgians: what is the only real Belgian chocolate filling? Unfortunately, the ultra-heterosexual leader Elio Di Rupo - that kind of straight that he would prefer intercourse with a deceased, infected, very aged, ugly, atrocious-looking and simply utterly unattractive woman over literally sleeping once in the same bed with another man - did not find the answer to this problem. But, as he took part in more and more gay EU parties, he certainly did discover gayness - and embraced it passionately, having seen the light.
For some unclear reason, The Dutch-speaking Belgians (Flemings) find that those whose surnames begin with the characters “De W”, such as Filip De Winter (Filip The Winter) and Bart De Wever (Bart The Weaver), should become political heroes who honor their Flemish heresy and praise and worship their supreme leader, Ned Flanders. Though there are rumors that Bart De Wever was actually officially called Wart De Bever (Wart The Beaver). Probably, in this way he has successfully escaped the miserable fate of every Belgian whose name begins with “De B” to work in Gargamel’s Resort Brussels, and perform as a Smurf.
Belgian road quality
Nope. Better then Dutch weed roads, 'cuz drugs are bad (and so are Belgian roads). Concrete is the norm! The Belgians themselves don't believe in roads, kind of like atheists. Where are those good old days when these "roads" were still dirt trails. Ironically, asphalt was invented in Belgium.
- Non-existent Places
- The Smurfs
- Belgian Mountain Troops
|This article was mentioned in Humo (Belgium), further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here|