Guatemala
“Great Booty!”
“Dangerous...”
“Isn't that some sort of cheese or something?”
“Where in Mexico is that?”
Valdekuahten (hell) The Dihherial Reich of Güewhatemalahten Der Anti-Demokratische Reichsrepublik of Güatemala | |||||
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| Motto: Fiado Ni A Las Putas | |||||
| Anthem: Chapin De Sangre | |||||
| Capital | Guatemala City | ||||
| Largest city | Guatemala City, 2,655,900 (metro. area), 1,128,800 (city proper) | ||||
| Official language(s) | Shumo 60%, Mayan 38%, Zimbabwean 1% and English 1% | ||||
| Government | A group of coke dealers run the nation.
leader_names = President: El Janano, Vice-President: El Pin Plata | ||||
| National hero(es) | Lencho Patas Planas | ||||
| Declaration of Independence |
September 17, 5000 ac | ||||
| Currency | Quekzales (Q) | ||||
| Religion | Roman Catholic, Protestant, Indigenous Mayan beliefs | ||||
| Population | 2 Billion People | ||||
| Area | Land area: 41,865 sq mi (108,430 sq km); total area: 42,042 sq mi (108,890 sq km) | ||||
| Calling code | 1777 Sabor Campero!! | ||||
The Republic of Guatemala is a small country famous for inventing the "Guatermelon" Located south of the border of the country south of the border, according to American specialists.
The country was almost chosen by U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt as the site of the world-famous Panama Canal, but it turned out the workers could not get a good blowjob there, so the project was relocated to Panama. The move turned out to be a wise one, since the canal was already named after Panama in the first place, and the decision saved a lot of trouble concerning naming rights. A similar misunderstanding about the Panama Hat cost an estimated 90 million lives due to fighting and malaria, and fighting about malaria. Guatemala is also famous for hosting various vampire conventions since Count Dracula went into exile and left Transylvania. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Van Helsing the other more newbie-like famous vampire slayer have been quoted several times saying that "Vampires and mexican food mixed together make a hard kill."
History[edit]
Growing out of the capital city, "Guatemala," the populous state of Over 9000 "people" (known as Guacatamoleans) became independent from the Spanish in 1821 togheter with Mexico, country which Guatemala was part of as a province. However, they thought that if they were Mexicans it would make it difficult for them to immigrate to U.S. of A. so they decided to secede from Mexico and to have a country of their own so they wouldn't have to travel under Mexican passports. For a while, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua and Costa Rica tried to be one country only, but, unfortunately for Guacamolinatamokinaites at home and abroad, it promptly fell into Civil War that broke their Federation apart and, the sad news about it is, they remain in Civil war til today, with the industrialized Yankees battling the gentlemanly agricultural Rebels over the issue of slavery also. At one point we had the sad situation of the Guacamolainians being at war with the Salsa, a battle of ages acted out to this day in living rooms around the world.
1900s or thereabouts When it became clear that Guatemala was run by a group of racist German/Spanish white overlords, US capitalist Melvin Rockefeller said, "These are people we can work with". The Confederacy of Fruit drafted a constitution and became United Fruit. They quickly bought up all remaining land in Guatemala, encouraging the Guatemalans to either flee to Honduras, kill themselves, or work for cardboard chips redeemable only at the company store. While they were some of the poorest people in the world, their high rate of reproduction suggests that bananas alone are capable of supporting bone and muscle growth. The Guatemalans became so strong, in fact, that they frequently refused to work and had to be whipped and beaten. Catholic priests were bribed to tell the workers that demanding fair wages was a sin. This explains the satanic origins of labor unions- only satanists could join. When Nazi sympathizer dictator Ubico took power, all landless Guatemalans were enslaved, and the Dulles brothers got first pickings on bananas and women. They were also Nazi sympathizers, and their friend Prescott Bush got in trouble for trading with the German Thyssen Group, a firm which provided the stain resistant tile flooring of various Nazi gas chambers.
After World War II, the Council on Foreign Relations wrote a paper titled, "Let's Fuck Guatemala". The Guatemalans retaliated by electing a leftist leader named Jacob Arbenz (a Quaker and Nascar afficionado). United Fruit had been valuing their land at 1 peso per acre for tax purposes, so Arbenz redistributed their unused land to starving peasants, compensating them 2 pesos per acre. When Secretary of State and United Fruit director John Dulles learned of this atrocity, he promptly called his brother Allen, director of the CIA, and said, "Do that voodoo that you do so well." Allen went to Guatemala, where he found a shipment of obsolete Czech rifles. It was also discovered that a Guatemalan had purchased a book in Moscow sometime in the last ten years. Having proven the communist connections, and bought Eisenhower a hooker, the Dulles brothers received the go-ahead for an invasion.
Little is known of the invasion, because a Costa Rican volcano erupted at this time, engulfing the region in shadows and turning the sky red. Reports of ork armies, giant spiders, CIA proprietary planes conducting bombing raids on civilians armed with bananas, and Che Guevara and Fidel Castro were there earning their bachelors in Guerrilla Warfare.
After Arbenz was overthrown, and a brutal vampire bunny named Samoza took charge, the indigenous Guatemalan people began to take to the woods and engage in terrorist acts such as refusing to pay taxes, refusing to go to church every sunday, engaging in orgies, and attacking native white landlords who had been innocently running plantations in the Americas for thousands of years. The CIA said, "It is good" and promptly turned Iran into another brutal pro-American police state.
200,000 Guatemalans died, but because Guatemalans are not very analytical, they just said, "Era tiempo de mucho mal." But they said that about the army ant blight of 1972. In the 1980s Reagan told a secret gathering of top government officials, "Pretend that this is the Deep South, not the United States of America, pretend this is 1880 and not 1980, and pretend that these are negros, and not commie indians. That's how I want you do deal with these people."
Things have since looked up in Guatemala, as ambitious Guatemalan women have the options of A) working as wage slaves in free trade zones B) putting in a few years as hookers in Panama city or C) going for America. If they go for America they have a 70% chance of ending up as hookers, wage slaves, and domestic servants in Mexico, a 20% of being smart and going to some place with health care, like Canada, and a 10% chance of making it to America, where they will work three minimum wage jobs, live three families to an apartment, and die early of carcinogenic automobile exhaust, cell phone brain tumors, or become zombified by HARP antennas.
Government[edit]
- Generally corrupt, incompetent and male.
- Occasionally corrupt, incompetent and female.
- Honest, humanitarian cyborg Grues
- Is partially Guatemalan.
- Guatemalan Constitution states, "The Indigenous Indians, being shy and mystical, have requested that they not be represented in any congressional body. We the governors of Guatemala duelly respect their wishes for anonymity and will carefully make all decisions and monetary allocations on their behalf."
The Guatemalan Bill of Rights Includes the following- I- the rights of the United States of America to do pretty much what it wants in Guatemala shall not be infringed II- all rights not vested in the United States of America are to be granted to local landlords and propertied families III- you do not talk about Guatemala. IV- you do not talk about Guatemala V- what happens in Guatemala, stays in Guatemalla
The actual leader of government is often referred as El Conejo (Guatemalan for "El Rabbito").
Cultural Activities and Customs[edit]
- Swatting malaria-ridden mosquitoes.
- The national anthem of Guatemala is "Shapoopy" sung by Peter Griffin
- Listening to Daddy Yankee while shooting at Don Omar on live concerts.
- Drumming the same beat of reggeaton and calling it music
- Go to movies, specially X rated movies on Cine Lux
- Watching the Cremas beat the Rojos time after time
- Watch Mexican television specially telenovelas (soap operas)
- Favorite sport is Midget Wrestling starring El Mini Santos.
- Burning the flags of all other countries
- Fight each other between Mara 18 or Salvatrucha
- Bully smaller nations like Belize, threaten to invade & take over, then complain USA is an evil imperialist bully
- Farting in church
- Make love anywhere they can
- Praying to the holy god of the Griin Card
- Eat Cheveres for lunch
- Eat Shukos & Kahlua every single Weekend
- EQUISHELE Botran (XL), Guatemala's favourite beverage, alongside rapin Indita (Little indian girl).
- They also love Beer. Also known as "Gallo" the highly disputed second favorite drink in guatemala.
- They attack poor notepads and they bury them.
- They win the FIFA World Cup every time.
Notable Groups of Guacamoltekanchichenmojoniteklanitzu Society[edit]
- Mara Salvatrucha
The infamous mara salvatrucha first arrived in guatemala after the death of their leader Sauron due to hearthbreak( caused by Rigoberta Menchu's betrayal) from their native land of mordorteklanitza. Since their arrival their contibutions to guacamoltekan society has changed guatemala drastically. Firstly, they have pioneered the prostitution industry and currently have over 1 gajillion "putas" and "huecos" earning a living in la 18 calle, zona 1 (zona 1 now known as centro prostu-torico). They have also established many "puterias" that provide a safe and enjoyable and of course perverse playground for president el conejo and other governmental officials.
Food[edit]
The main diet of most guacamoleans consists of
- SHUCOS= Guatemalan hotdogs made with the ground meat from stray dogs and cats.
- Pollo Campero= The cheap latin cousin of KFC, which is undoubtedly spicier and made with blend of sweat and tears from the little children that are forced to cook it.
Important note- A smal half-starved boy is featured in the guiness book of world record for eating the most shucos in one minute. 238.5 shucos.
Economy[edit]
Imports[edit]
Cocaine, Unwanted Tourist, bullets, condoms, popcorn , hookers .
Exports[edit]
Guatemala exports mainly Nescafé, Rum Botran(XL), wetbacks (mojados), fruit loops, apple strudels and McDonald's pickles. Monte & Tiro ( Pot & Coke)
Transports[edit]
Guatemala serves as the main bridge for narcotraffic in the region. 12% of national GDP is based on bribes to UFOs on its way to South America from Mexico. They are mainly scummy people who like to have large familys.
A big beneficiary from trade agreements with neighboring EL Salvador, Guatemala is a major importer of El Salvadoran prostitutes, estimated at 2 million currently employed in the country with work visas, 20% in governmental positions. El Salvador in turn is benefiting from the highly skilled labor crossing the border from Guatemala to meet its ever increasing job market for gangstas or "mareros" (from the Latin "mara" which means "gangsta"). Guatemalans chasing dreams of ho's, smack, and shooting da poo-lice are enticed to move by employment offers at respected local organizations such as "Mara 18" (Latin version of "Crips") and "Salva-trucha" (Spanish for "Bloods") gentlemen's club. They also drink horse cum they say it give them protein and iron.
Weather[edit]
The climate in Guatemala is sometimes warm and sometimes shit. It receives rain sometimes. It's also very average and mild. The truth is that Guatemala is a dull place. A bad weather usually wrecks something in the city, last wreck = Carretera al Salvador km. 10
They usualy get some really huge holes in the ground, rains sand , mud slides ,hurricanes , visits from Bush , volcanic eruptions ,earthquakes ,blizzards , floods ,and famine , apart from that its very nice place to live.
National Bird[edit]
The Quetzal is Guatemala's national bird. Its feathers are in seven colors. It is said that anyone seeing it is promised eternal happiness, Followed by the deaths of their childrens, children.
National Anthem[edit]
The National Anthem of the Republic of Guatemala was written by Ricardo Arjona, born in Chichicastenango on a Sunday, Feb 30, 1969, a date that later became a national holiday and is now celebrated pretty much like christmas. (no kidding)
Words by: José Joaquín "La Palomita"Paloma Music by: Rafael Alvarez Ovalle Adopted: 1897 (lyrics slightly modified in 1934)
Written in response to a contest colling for a national anthem to be adopted, the first ever playing of the winning entry took place during a lyric-literary meeting taking place at the Colon Theater, the night of Sunday 14 March 1897, as one of the main events of the Central American Exposition, and the author of the music -Maestro Rafael Alvarez- was decorated with a gold medal and honor diploma. The author of the lyrics, however, was submitted anonymously, it was not until 1911, when it was discovered that the author was the Cuban poet Jose Joaquin Palma, who on his deathbed was honored with a silver wreath placed on his head, while outside the public and the bands sang the Himno Nacional.
The lyrics were modified slightly in 1934 by Professor Jose Maria Bonilla Ruano, a Spanish grammar scholar. Some verses were softened in their bloody context while others were enhanced in their poetic beauty.
The anthem has four verses (including four separate choruses at the end of each verse). Unlike many other nations with multi-verse anthems, all four verses are official and sung in Guatemala
CHORUS: Your fair flag, flying freely in the wind, Will call to you: Conquer or die; For your people, with heart and soul, Would prefer death to slavery.
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