Province of Lebanon
Republique du Liban
|Motto: "Hi! Kifak? Ça va?"|
|Anthem: Tabouli makes us strong|
|Official language(s)||Arabic with a few French-sounding words and some type of English|
|Government||Constitutional Monarchy, His honorable King Baal Chmeem|
|Membership||UN, The Holy Trinity, Arab League, Premier League, League Table, Table Mountain, Times Table|
|Location||About a rocket's distance from Israel|
|National hero(es)||Abou Elias, Abou el Abed, Imm Houssein, Dwayk, Mika, Carlos Ghosn, Masari, K-maro and Paul Anka|
|Religion||Christianity, Crusadism, Maronitism, and Islamicism|
|Population||4 million (up up and away)|
|Official drink||Anything with "Diet" in it, Bacardi Breezers in light fruity flavours, Charab el Ward.|
|National holiday||Kebbeh Day|
- Lebanon redirects here. For the country Lebanon, see: Israel.
The Lebanon (Arabic: الجمهوريه اللبنانيه), originally: The French Republic of Libon ("La République Française de Les Bananes"), is a smallish Phoenician country in the Middle East, bordering the Mediterranean sea. The capital of Lebanon is Beirut. (This would be the boutique capital, as there is no real government there.) As well as Allah, Lebanon gives praise to Jesus and God; and indeed, "Jesus God!" is a typical exclamation when a bomb explodes a block away. Lebanon is a place of fun, nightlife, general civil unrest, and war for territory. It is the church capital of the Middle-East.
Despite a few dozen wars over the past two decades, Lebanon has a reputation as a charming little place that attracts millions of lost tourists, year after year; and as a fine, sunny spot from which to bomb Israel. Lebanon will be the birthplace of the Cyborg God and the next Techno Prophet, if Hezbollah could be induced to pick a different country as its military base.
The name "République de Le Banon," slurred as "République de la banane," may be the basis for the colloquial expression "Banana Republic."
Lebanon was a fabulous concept: an oasis of interdenominational peace smack-dab in the middle of a desert of perpetual war, a cosmopolitan place where Christian, Moslem, and Jew could have a good meal downtown and momentarily forget their centuries-old blood feud.
The government would be secular, and even paper over the divisions between Sunni and Shi'a Muslims. The President, Prime Minister, and Speaker of the Parliament would represent the two major divisions of Islam and the Christians (the Maronites, also known as Martians); moreover, they would exchange roles every few months, often as a result of games of chance. The Parliament would be balanced according to religion and the Deputy Speaker would be required to have three nostrils. This unprecedented arrangement encouraged national leaders to forget which sect they belonged to. It also ruled out the entry of new sects, such as televangelists from Texas.
In short, it was an excellent experiment in getting people to remove their hands from each other's throats and try to run a country. It gave a role to each of the 18 officially recognized sects, in exact proportion to their numerical strength, provided no one ever changed his mind, forgot what group he belonged to, gave birth, died, or moved in or out. And they had French Canada as an example of intractable factions living in peace together through the joint practice of indecision.
That was the theory. However, when it is prearranged which sect controls every single job, then the only way to shift the balance of power is...a fifteen-year civil war.
At the moment, Lebanon is operated by military contractor Hezbollah, with executive guidance from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, as a staging area for panty-raids on Israel. But there is no resident advisor at this dormitory, and when Israel says, "Game on!" the United Nations gets involved.
The Lebanese are the world's greatest problem-solvers. They enter a conflict and, Boom! problem solved.
The Lebanese flag is a unique flag comprising red, white and green. The red symbolizes Adonis blood and Isis "Coquelicot," the white symbolizes cocaine, and for balance there is a Christmas Tree. (It's actually a cedar, the nearest thing available locally.)
The polite term for Lebanese is "Lebs." There are also many impolite terms. The issue of Lebanese demographics is in fact one of the inherently insoluble Hilbert problems. The Lebanese are wannabe-Phoenicians who believe they're French or American, which is why they try to speak French or English.
Lebanon is known for hunky males (on display throughout downtown Beirut). Their attraction may owe to their Lebanese accent, which sounds foreign even within Lebanon. The fastest runners in Lebanon are teenage boys trying to protect themselves from the love that surrounds them. Females party all night in nightclubs, drink, smoke weed, hookah, and cigarettes like there's no tomorrow, and hit on the hot men.
Most of the population of southern Lebanon is descended from the Irish army, who thought they were being sent on UN peacekeeping duty, only to discover the Israelis were on the other side of that mountain, armed to the teeth. The Lebanirish (as they are known) all have the same mother, one Sally O'Brien (and the way she might look at ye!) who was sent over to film a commercial in 1979 but ended up frying eggs under the heat of the sun.
Lebs living overseas may enroll in Leb Anon. Chapters in most national capitals offer a twelve-step program for recovering Lebanese. The first step is for the individual to admit that he has a problem and needs help. Those who complete the course understand that they will always remain Lebanese, but by avoiding relapses, may play a productive role in society.
Lebanon was also one of the first countries to adopt the widespread practice of incest. This occurred around 1845 (which is quarter to seven in the new money).
Historians believe the Crusades killed many of the Martians in the Holy Land. The survivors fled north to an Unholy Land, rich with cedar trees and plain yogurt, creating the Lebanese Empire. However, disputes regarding what politician's face to be imprinted on the coins led to internal unrest and ultimately to the fall of the Empire, two hours after its rise.
Such infighting over petty issues remains to this day, although great strides have been made to ensure that any petty issue is bolstered by much shouting, waving of arms, and the well known directing attention to a problem with the arm outstretched and open hands facing upwards. This sad gesture was originally immortalised in song by Billy Idol as the "Lebo Yell." He renamed it "Rebel Yell" at the insistence of Archbishop Saleem El Tabel of the church of Nutella.
The 2006 Conflict
In July 2006, Israel and the nomadic army of Hezbollah decided to air longstanding grievances, and settled on Lebanon as the venue. They reasoned that southern Lebanon was relatively undeveloped, and that no one would stop them. Hezbollah dug into southern Lebanon and lobbed bombs into residential areas of Israel until Israel stopped acting pious and returned fire.
During this conflict, Lebanon deployed its own, very capable fighting force, made from cheese. Its military might was recently simulated in 1/72 scale, with hand-carved Hezbollah model soldiers standing at attention until their paint dried. The Lebanese army valiantly destroyed the main runway of Beirut Airport, along with vital national infrastructure such as Adidas stores, any shop selling white baseball caps with absurdly long peaks, and the local public toilets (Hotel d'Amour Leb). They also beat the enemies back to the tuck shop.
Certain parties in Lebanon blame Hezbollah for the conflict, especially as eyewitness reports confirmed Hezbollah's use of the internationally-banned Slinky on Lebanese territory during the 33-day-long war. This proved to be the decisive weapon.
It remains true that the only way to overcome longstanding tradition on the division of political power between your sect and another sect is to kill everyone in the other sect. Consequently, after some heated debate over who invented olive oil, and the use of certain "fighting words," war looked imminent between His Majesty the King of the South and the Sufi Prince who controls the North. Fierce letters were sent, and a casserole war took place in early 2009, also known as حرب الطناجر
According to Charles Darwin (actually the stage name of Lebanese scientist Doodee El Inderi), the first cell from which humans were created was Lebanese. Moreover, all humans carry a Lebanese gene. This gene, located on the strong-arm of chromosome 33, codes for a protein that enables humans to learn the alphabet. There are obviously different levels of genetic expression, as most Lebanese learn none of the 22 alphabets necessary to read the morning's newspaper.