Emmanuel Macron
“Check the label! Feel the quality! Je suis En-Suite!(2017)”
“Recheck the label. I have been reupholstered. I now lead Retapissé. Voila! (2022)”
Emmanuel Jean-Michel Frédéric Macron (born 21 December 1977) is the current President of France since 2017. He is the leader of the Retapissé party (formerly En-Suite!)) and defeated Marine Le Pen of the La Blonde National in the final run-off by keeping his cool, soft-pedalling his agenda, and not looking like a bank manager, in contrast to his predecessor, François Hollande. Macron repeated his victory over Le Pen (now the La Blonde Rally) in April 2022.
Early Life[edit]
Emmanuel Macron was born at the Patisserie as a vanilla macaron. He later travelled to Norway and made a wish to magical creatures that turned him into a real boy. The magical creatures were the same ones that helped Elsa. Macron went back to Paris and added the name "Emmanuel" and dropped the "a" in "Macaron".
Porno movie?[edit]
Mais, non! France has been used to racy leaders in the past, with quite a few having their heads removed or getting shot. This particular Emmanuel is no relation to Emmanuelle, though, the supposed French mistress of seduction who was actually Dutch. However, this young Emmanuel was seduced by the charms of his teacher whilst at school.
'So what?' you say, 'Isn't that something the French do often??' Yes, but usually it is a pert, pouty-mouthed teenage girl who falls for the dandruffy charms and red wine stains of 'Le Professeur' before they tumble into bed for a passionate mix of sex and Sartre. In this case, Macron played the role of the student of sex and learnt 'the gropes' from his more experienced bedmate, Brigitte 'La Troguette' Trogneux. He was 15, she was 40 and was ostensibly teaching him The Business. Officially, there was no 'Le Hanky Panky' until Macron turned 18, when one presumes sexual theory and practice were combined in one lesson. This relationship was later thinly disguised and made into a film titled Ecole Erotique, starring Cate Blanchett and Shia LaBoeuf.
Banking[edit]
Once Macron and Trogneux got officially hitched, she immediately took him around the shops to get her man 'suited and booted'. He got a job in banking and eventually wound up with the mega-rich Rothschilds private financers. This gained Macron access to the ultra-rich and the chance to invest their money in tax-friendly countries offering suitable terms to the tax-unfriendly. Macron has since denied he set up a secret account to stash his cash under the assumed name of 'Alain Delon', though they did share the same tailor.
Macron's ability to count money eventually got him a post in government. Initially as just a salaried employee, Macron joined the French Socialist party and moved over into the politics of money, since Macron understood how the Euro currency worked, and was too young to waste time pining for the return of the Franc.
Entering politics[edit]
Macron's star continued to rise, though along the way he discontinued his nominal socialism and put himself forward as a Progressive Suit. His rivals often mistook him for his wife's son and would ask him if he still enjoyed school. In 2012 France elected Francois Hollande as president and he in turn, was keen to use Macron's suits to improve his own range. But Hollande was fat, squat and a squinter. He had no style, he had no grace, this Hollande had a funny face.
In 2014 Macron got his first cabinet post as Minister for Haute Couture. This gained him coverage in the French style magazines who admired Macron's slim profile and asked him to considering modelling following his political career. They only faulted him his choice of wife. 'The Trog' was considered by them to be a Baggage Bore.
2017 elections[edit]
In 2016, Macron returned his official wardrobe and left the government. Now labelling himself a 'centrist' and 'plumbing expert', he set up his own party, called Mouvement Macron, then renamed En-Suite (In A Suit). In the 2017 French presidential elections, Macron stormed into first place, to face a run-off against Marine Le Pen. The Blonde National went on the offensive and criticised Macron for his suits and policies (in that order), suggesting neither were made in France.
A few days before the final round of voting in May 2017, Le Pen and Le Suit went head-to-head, toe-to-toe, and then hand-to-hand in Le Television Debate. Le Pen kept calling Macron a Globalist Banker for Globalist Wankers. The audience loved it, shouting 'Trump Nouveau' every time Le Pen spoke.
A few days, the election results were announced. Charles DeGaulle was still dead. The best suit won. Macron received congratulations for his win from German Chancellor Angela Merkel and British Prime Minister Theresa May but not Vladimir Putin, Czar of all the Hackers and Trolls. President Donald Trump sent a tweet saying he wanted to work with 'Pepe the Frog'.
The name En-Suite no longer fit, as Macron realised he would need additional people to actually operate the French government, and broadened the tent to comprise apparel from blue jeans to wing-tip shoes. The party took yet another name, La République en Marche (The Republic at the Market), finalising its manifesto in the produce aisle. In contrast to the century-old Beer Hall Putsch, the party hoped in the June legislative elections to achieve a Supermarket Sweep.
Visiting the USA[edit]
Macron was invited to the White House by his new 'bro'. He and Donald Trump had bonded when the latter had come across the Atlantic to witness the Bastille Day celebrations in Paris. It was soon a 'Donny and Manny', a love that carried on when Macron came to the USA to stay over and charm Melania. They soon fell out but Trump reserved his harshest words for the Germans.
European Union and domestic affairs[edit]
With Britain engaged in their long retreat from the European Union following Brexit, Macron considered France as now the undisputed leader of Europe. Now was time to restore the Charles DeGaulle method of standing steering a middle course between Trumpist America and Vladimir Putin's Russia. Macron also tried to outflank and bamboozle the extreme French right but then there arose a protest movement called the 'Yellow Jackets' or Gilets Jaunes. They wore the high visibility jackets required to be kept in all vehicles in France so you would be visible if your car broke down and you waving to the traffic to avoid you. The anti-Macronites adopted this as their own 'uniform' in protests against the French president.
As is traditional in France, they quickly became violent and excited many that their country was about to embark on another revolution. The Gilets Jaunes at one stage spanned the entire political spectrum and looked like serious trouble for Macron. He survived, helped by a making a few concessions here and deploying water cannon there. When Coronavirus struck France as it did elsewhere in the world, the rebels were soon concerned about avoiding each other and the protests petered out.
AUKUS[edit]
In September 2021 Macron not just threw his toys out of the pram. He picked it up and threw it at the Australian embassy in Paris when news was broken that there was new security pack titled 'AUKUS' to protect the Far East from China. This alliance of Australia, UK and the USA or 'AUKUS' as it became to be known was aimed at China but excluded any relationship with France. Macron ordered the withdrawl of his ambassadors from Australia and the USA. The argument was that Australia had reneged on a deal to buy French submarines and would instead replace them with something built in the USA with perhaps the UK supplying some of the paint. However Macron saw it as something more profound. The English-speaking powers were ganging up again. Officially against no-one, subtextually China and the middle finger (or two fingers if in the UK) against France. So Charles DeGaulle was right. The Les Anglo-Saxons were doing it again! Sacre-Bleughhhhh!
Election 2022[edit]
Le Suit stood for re-election in April 2022. Expectations were low again. He was lucky that the extreme right carried on with their evil dynastic politics by re-nominating Marine Le Pen. The 'Rally for the French Trumpers' increased their vote share to over 40% but were still nearly 20% behind Macron. Well there is always 2027 for another match-up. By then Le Suit will have gone to the cleaners. In fact he did. Now Macron leads the Retapissé Party.
| Preceded by: Nicolas Sarkozy |
First Citizen of the Imperial French Republic 2017–current |
Succeeded by: Eva Green |
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