UnScripts:Bathtime for Marat

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The UnScripts Project

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1793

The wrong Jean-Paul.

The French Revolution is now going through a more 'radical phase'. France is now a republic. The revolution is still under pressure from without and within. One man is determined to protect it.

Jean-Paul Marat is sitting in the bath, working on his latest editorial for the Les Jacobins newspaper. He is also listing everyone who has pissed him off in the previous week and will encourage the government to execute them. But first, Marat has to deal with some other letters.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Who is this Jean-Paul Gaultier? I know nothing about clothing fashion. And another letter, addressed to Jean-Paul Sartre. Never heard of him either, though it says here, he's never heard of me either! What is this nonsense? What's wrong with the post?? Tricks from the Monarchists??? The English???? Damn, this bath is getting cold. CITIZEN GALLIVANT!!

Enter another citizen.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

I need more hot water. I would do it myself, but I am working for the people today.

Not this one either.

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

Indeed. I will get you a top-up.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

This time, leave the rubber duck in there too!

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

Yes, Citizen. You have a visitor.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Ah. I wasn't expecting anyone. Show him in after you have done the usual security checks.

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

It is a woman, Citizen Marat.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Well get some of our heroic revolutionary women to frisk her then.

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

I am sorry. You gave the women time off to watch Count and Countess Corden Bleu die under the blade.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Yes, I did. Good guillotine education. Well, Gallivant, you will have to do the honours in that department. We can't be too careful.

Getting closer.

Exit Citizen Gallivant. Outside, raised voices and a distinctive sound of a face being slapped is heard. A woman enters. Marat sits up in his bath. Citizen Gallivant and woman enter the bathroom. Gallivant is nursing the side of his face.

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

I tried to stop her...

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

What is your name, woman?

CHARLOTTE CORDAY

Charlotte Corday. Death to Louis Capet.

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

Death to the King! Death to Marie Antoinette!!

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Good, good. Yes, she's next on the list. Now er...Gallivant?

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

Yes, Citizen Marat?

Jacques Pott

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Did you check if the mademoiselle was packing any hot or cold heat?

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

She said she wasn't and then slapped me...she...

CHARLOTTE CORDAY

...I said I would expose myself like a painting of Venus to prove I carry no weapons. But I will only do this for Citizen Marat.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

I understand. Citizen Gallivant. Hot water!

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

Hot water?

'I sell bathroom solutions'.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

My hot water. Remember? And the rubber duck.

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

Oh yes...sorry. I will leave you alone. It will take a little time to get the water heated up...

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Citizen Gallivant. You don't want to disappoint me today? My termination list has some spaces at the bottom to fill in.

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

Oh...oh! I will leave you two alone. It will take a little time to get things ready...

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Do it, but make sure it is the right temperature. Go, Citizen Gallivant.

A popular design for revolutionaries.

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

Going!!

Gallivant leaves. Corday starts to disrobe but Marat puts his hand up for her to stop.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

No need to strip. I am not one of those perverted aristocrats. I see you are a true daughter of the revolution. So, Mademoiselle Corday. What do you want to talk to me about?

CHARLOTTE CORDAY

Bathrooms and plumbing.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Oh. I thought you were going to give me the names of traitors to the revolution. I hadn't thought about changing any of the decor here.

CHARLOTTE CORDAY

This is a revolution! We need changes everywhere. Have you considered the colour crimson for a new bathroom suite?

French duck.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

You are here to sell me a new bathroom?

CHARLOTTE CORDAY

Yes, with a whirlpool, new plumbing and something extra

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

A whirpool? Now that would be interesting. Mademoiselle Corday, I spend most of my spare time in a bath, as I have very itchy skin.

CHARLOTTE CORDAY

Your work is essential to the revolution.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

You mentioned plumbing. You do that as well?

Mon dieu!

CHARLOTTE CORDAY

Yes we do. Can I show you how we do it. I will need to get closer.

Charlotte Corday produces a folder of bathroom designs from under her dress. Marat is alarmed at first, her dress seems to have some extra capacity. She smiles and places a large selection of drawings for Marat to look at. He starts to look at them. Corday is fiddling with something in her hat. There is a knock at the door. From behind the door.

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

Citizen Marat. I have the water, but I cannot find the duck!

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Find me my duck, Gallivant! Look again! No duck, no water, and no head if you don't succeed!

CITIZEN GALLIVANT

Yes! I will look again!!

Gallivant disappears again.

CHARLOTTE CORDAY

Any design you like?

Say it in blood.

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Hmmm..I don't know these things. Are you sure you were looking for me and not Jean-Paul Gaultier? You also mentioned something 'extra' earlier. What was that?

CHARLOTTE CORDAY

Yes, Citizen Marat. He recommended that I pay you a visit. Do you want another look at the brochures? I also have that extra thing I mentioned for you.

Corday places a rubber duck in Marat's bath. As he looks at it, Corday unties her dress and wearing only a basque, stabs Marat in the chest.

CHARLOTTE CORDAY

Death to tyrants! Your bathtime is over Jean-Paul Marat!!

JEAN-PAUL MARAT

Oh...Ohh...the Jacuzzi looked nice...

Dies. The sound of Marat's scream as he is stabbed sees Citizen Gallivant re-enter the room, this time with some of Marat's female staff returned fresh from watching an execution.

CHARLOTTE CORDAY

Can I interest anyone in a new bathroom?

Paris, 25 Pintade, Messidor, Year 1 (for sad Christians this is July 13th 1793). Citizens of France! A day for our martyr to the Republican cause. Jean-Paul Marat! Remember the name!!!