House of Merovingian

A Frank called Frank.

The Merovingian dynasty ruled France from the 5th century to the age of Charlemagne 300 years later. Yet until the books of Dan Brown they were relatively unknown to anyone outside France except those who liked to read about families who would kill each other and wore their hair long. Now thanks to Brown, the Merovingians are claimed to be the direct descendants of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdelene and before that King David and Adam Ant, the first musician.

Monstrous origins

The first Merovingians were the leaders of a Frankish war band, also called the 'Salian Franks', located along the frontier between the Roman Empire and Germanic tribes on the banks of the River Rhine. It was a place of marshes and incessant rain. The Romans took pity on these barbarians and allowed them to settle by the frontier and learn how to drain a swamp and detect the telltale signs of mildew.

Their leader was Merovech, whose mother had sex with a nameless sea monster. Merovech chose for his partner another human, possibly a princess from another, more powerful Frankish clan called the Riproaring or Ripuarian Franks who were big around Cologne and were selling perfume to smelly Germans.

Battle for Gaul

To the Romans, the Franks appeared to be semi-civilised; they wore trousers rather than just ripe animal skin trunks (see Attila the Hun). In addition, these Franks wore their hair long like roadies for a hair metal band. Their job was to protect the Roman Empire's northern border from barbarians. When the paychecks started to bounce, these Franks dropped their weapons of war and went on strike.

Going Christian

Main article: Clovis

Division, dispute and murder

Merovingians probate a Last Will.

In 511, Clovis died in bed. The Franks traditionally contested the heirlooms, such as 'best trousers' and 'sharpest sword'. In this case, Clovis's four sons fought it out in a rumbling civil war that lasted over a century, until 613. Sometimes, they would join to fight off non-Merovingian rivals (and annex the territory); sometimes, they killed each other, including children. The Merovingians were inventive in their cruelty. When Queen-regent Brunhilda lost a battle against family rival King Clotaire, he had her pulled apart by four horses, satisfying posthumously a request of his Mum, Queen Fredegund 'Freddie'.

King Clotaire also had executed King Sigebert and his younger brother Corbo. His elimination of all his dynastic rivals was like a Game of Thrones being reset. However, he went on to pledge to be a truly saintly ruler.

Though family members had been drastically curtailed, Clotaire had unwisely mortgaged royal influence in Francia. He franchised out his authority to other men who adopted the title of "Mayor of the Palace." If they were successful, the glory would be the king's. If they were ghastly failures, execution would be a mayor's reward.

Dagobert

"Jesus moi? Oui!"

In 629, Clotaire died. He had already given his eldest son Dagobert some territories to rule, and now his younger son Charibert got southern Francia. The brothers maintained a family truce until Charibert died in 632. Dagobert took control as Charibert's son was still in his cradle — or, he was until Dagobert killed the young prince. Family murderous tradition was still alive!

Dagobert's Frankish nobility did not want a Merovingian solo run. They insisted Dagobert make his son Sigebert co-ruler, though he was barely three. Dagobert's relations with his southern neighbours in Spain had been complicated by his father authorising the brutal execution of the Visigothic-born Queen Brunhilda. To keep the Visigoths busy, Dagobert supported a rebellion by a certain Sisenand. It was a success and Sisenand sent Dagobert a golden chair as a big thank you. Dagobert liked backing a winner.

This was an age where an ingrown toenail could be a death sentence, and Dagobert died in his mid-30s. The Frankish nobles again didn't want one monarch and therefore chose Dagobert's youngest son Clovis II to succeed. The realm was split again with two kings still in short pants: Sigebert III and Clovis.

Power drain

From 639, the Merovingians abdicated responsibility for ruling Francia and stayed in their palaces to procreate with wives and concubines. Since the progeny of either relationship had a shot at the throne, these 'do-nothings-but-shag-a-lot-instead' were happy to go with whichever Frankish warlord wanted to be a mayor. France was no longer Gaul, either; the Germanic Franks had given up their original tongue to speak Vulgar Latin, so-called because it was big on obscenities, verbal and physical. These 'kings' after Dagobert I grew their hair long and their toenails longer, living the Dark Ages life to the full and all but two dying off before they reached 40. Monks recorded their names, but that was it. Like medieval Japan, the ruler ceased to rule. The Frankish mayors were de facto shoguns.

Discarded

Martel at last was a leader who looked like a leader.

The mayors, by comparison, looked like Uncle Fester. Here, courtiers shave off their hair before they can choke on it.

One of the mayors provided the impetus for change. These were known as the Pepinids — or Pippinids, for their hairy feet and love of pipeweed. One of the Frankish leaders, Charles Martel, became mayor of all the palaces. He was praised for stopping an invasion of the Frankish kingdom in 732 by an army of Arabs and Moors under the banner of Islam. No one thought about finding a Merovingian to lead them. By then, a few kings had choked to death, typically sucking in their own hair or beards and suffocating. When King Theuderic IV died in 737, Martel did not replace him but ruled without a figurehead for the next four years. However, opponents of Martel and then his sons Pepin and Carloman managed to locate another Merovingian and made him King Childeric III in 743.

The 'new' French king had an uncertain connection to the royal family. Whether he was even a Merovingian was discussed in the French court for the next eight years. Childeric also had his own son Theuderic, who in theory could become the next king. But Childeric didn't push for his son's rights, so he was ignored and granted no lands or titles.

This could have gone on for years, but in 751, Pepin asked Pope Zacharius to officially pack Childeric and his son off to different monasteries. They were not eye-gouged or castrated, as the Byzantines liked to do to sink any chance of a return. Since there is no record of a 'Theuderic V', he probably died before his father. As for Childeric the Monk, he died of boredom in 758.

Conclusion

The Merovingian dynasty had lasted from the dying days of the Western Roman Empire to the arrival of a new religion to challenge Christianity. Besides the French, the Merovingians had been forgotten until an American writer revived their name and claimed they were descendants of Jesus Christ.