5th century
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This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from 401 to 500.
The 5th century is often seen as the 'big break' when the Ancient World collapsed into chaos and was replaced by the Dark Ages. A time when people stopped reading and started to receive all their information via religious preachers telling them to 'repent ye sinners'. It was the century of Alaric the Goth, St. Augustine and Attila the Hun. The Germanic peoples went on their mass walkabout. Some ending up in North Africa, others in Spain and France. All looking for a good tan - except the Anglo-Saxons who crossed over to Britain and spread their paganistic views on life.
In other countries like China, India and Persia this was a time of equal disruption. Invaders were everywhere, crossing borders unchallenged or monarchs killing each other over trifles and sticky Huns.
Chronology[edit]
401 to 410[edit]
“No more sneering at me and my fashion choices.”
- 401 – Alaric the Goth burns down a branch of Walmart.
- 402 – St. Jerome publishes the Vulgate Bible, a Latin translation of the various biblical books in their original Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek and King James English.
- 403 – Theodosius II agrees to become consul of the Roman Empire at age 2 as he figures he is too cute and too small of a target to be assassinated.
- 404 – Publication in China of the book On 'Why Monks Do Not Bow Down Before Kings'. The answer is a lack of shoe laces.
- 404 – Emperor Arcadius banishes Archbishop John Chrysostom from Constantinople. An earthquake strikes the Imperial palace. Arcadius begs him to return pronto.
- 404 – Constantinople suspects something is up when all messages to Britannia are returned marked 'Not Found'. This would later become famous as the 404 Error.
- 405 – The Colosseum loses it gladiatorial fighting licence after a monk called Telemachus runs amok and breaks up the fun. He is stoned by the angry punters.
- 406 – Roman legions in Britain mutiny over being fed Brussels sprouts every day. They make Marcus Aurelius their new emperor who promises them 'peas in our time'.
- 407 – River Rhine frontier of the Roman Empire breached by a mass of Vandals, Alans, Suevi, Burgundians and Uncle Tom Cobbleyites. The river had frozen solid and the Roman soldiers were inside their forts warming their knees when it happened.
- 408 – Roman general Stilicho is murdered for being a Vandal. Shock-horror.
- 410 – Emperor Honorius refuses to let Britain back into the Roman Empire.
- 410 – Rome sacked. The Goths had finally done it. They collect Roman princess Galla Placidia in exchange for a few Goth overcoats. Romans marvel that more damage wasn't done and invite the Visigoths back for another go.
411 to 420[edit]
Hypatia in Lady Godiva Rides Again.
“Women have no right to be educated. Keep them ignorant and fruitful”
- 411 – The Empire fights against with usurper Constantine III in Gaul after Real® Roman Emperor Honorius sends an army after him declaring 'This town ain't big enough for the both of us'. Constantine dies of laughter when he imagines hearing the message in the voice of John Wayne.
- 413 – Usurpers Jovinus and Sebastianus in Gaul are killed by the Visigoths and their heads are sent to Rome. Honorius is greatly surprised as he had thought he had just gotten rid of the last usurper. Of all the Gaul.
- 414 – The bishop of Susa burns down a Zoroastrian fire temple, which, if you think about it, probably would have burned down all by itself.
- 415 – Roman philosopher Hypatia is torn apart by a mob of monks in Alexandria for questioning St. Cyril's hygiene issues.
- 415 – Visigothic King Ataulf is killed in the bath by assassins. His rubber duck and a loofa are executed as a result.
- 417 – Pope Innocent I attacks Pelagius and Pelagianism, proponents of free will. Innocent I says it is entirely his own idea.
- 417 – Justa Grata Honoria is born and immediately makes a play for the midwife's husband.
- 420 – Frankish King Pharamond leads his army across the Rhine. He immediately has regrets, thinking it would have been better to cross over one of the bridges instead.
421 to 430[edit]
“It's all about sex and how to avoid it.”
- 423 – Emperor Honorius found dead in bed with a brood of frozen chicks. Honorius loved his chickens.
- 425 – British hard man Vortigern succeeds Lord Vordemort as King of the Dark Arts and ruler of Britannia.
- 425 – Valentinian is named Emperor of the Western Roman Empire at age 6 becoming Valentinian III. His mother Galla Placidia becomes regent and the real power behind the throne since Valentinian proves to be totally ineffective round his naptime.
- 426 – St. Augustine publishes The City of God. This is a cut-out-and-keep guide on Why Suffering is Good for You, Why Bad Things Happen and God's Warped Sense of Humour.
- 428 – Nestorius becomes archbishop of Constantinople. He has a few interesting theological niggles he wants to agitate
- 429 – The Vandals invade North Africa from Spain after running out of looting opportunities. This causes rebellious Roman Carthaginian Bonifacius to make amends with the Roman Empire. The emperor names him Chief Catapult Bomb Catcher and Supreme Commander of Moving Targets.
431 to 440[edit]
- 431 – Hippo Regius (now Annaba, Algeria) becomes the rather tatty capital of the Vandals after they besiege the city and nearly raze it to the ground. Good going.
- 431 – Archbishop Nestorius of Constantinople is officially degraded after losing the theological arguments at the Council of Ephesus. Nestorius's clerical habit is removed and he is beaten with his own crozier until he recants.
- 432 – General Flavius Aetius's army is soundly defeated near Rimini after an argument over the results of the Eurovision Song Contest. Aetius runs off to hide behind a group of tough-looking Huns.
- 432 – St. Patrick lands in Ireland to convert its snakes to Christianity. Humans prove to be more amenable to the fellow, and would hold a parade in his honor even though solidly pagan snakes boycott the event.
- 434 – With Huns on the doorstep of Constantinople, Emperor Theodosius II buys all the cheap trinkets and magazine subscriptions they offer and signs all their petitions in attempt to placate them.
- 434 – Attila comes to power in Hungary alongside his brother Bleda. We all know how that agreement will end.
- 436 – Aetius takes on the Burgundians only to have his new Hun BFFs help him out. The Burgundian kingdom is destroyed utterly but Aetius fails to realize what a threat his newfound drinking pals will be.
- 437 – Valentinian III becomes of age as Western Roman Emperor at 18. Rather than being a vainglorious youth, he repairs relations with the eastern empire by marrying Emperor Theodosius II's daughter, and not just to make his mother happy, or so he says. This is even though she is standing behind him with a dagger during the pronouncement. Observers wonder if Ma will be coming along for the honeymoon.
- 438 – The holy relics of St. John Chrysostom are returned to Constantinople, where it is found he had 2 skulls, 3 femurs and 4 dozen ribs. Another miracle is added to his tab.
- 439 – Greek becomes the official language of the Eastern Roman Empire after a big feta cheese and gyro craze.
- 440 – The Huns sign a treaty with the Eastern Roman Empire but are smart enough to realise that the Western side is not included and start invading accordingly. We told you, Aetius.
441 to 450[edit]
“Kill that bastard”
- 441 – The Huns attack and capture Constanta despite it being a market day with no nearby parking available.
- 442 – Huns move into the Balkans after Emperor Theodosius moves his army to Sicily. Dim Theo compounds his error by bringing the troops back and attacking the Huns. The Huns then destroy everything in their path all the way through to Constantinople. They are halted at its walls when they are foiled by the little tags on their ladders that read 'Do Not Stand Upon Top Step'.
- 443 – Famine and unrest in the British Isles lead to reports saying that it causes Romanised Brits to 'move toward Gaul'. Whether this means they camp out on the beaches or decide to bob up and down in the Channel is not clear.
- 444 – Armagh is founded by St. Patrick, apparently without any help from anyone. He is really peeved at snakes at this point.
- 444 – Fearing hot and spicy food like goulash and chicken paprikash, Emperor Theodosius agrees once again to pay tribute to the Huns who return to Hungary in time for dinner.
- 445 – After edicts against branches of Christianity that he or his mum considers heretical, Valentinian III attacks Manichaeism even though there are no adherents in the Western Empire.
- 448 – Books critical of Jesus are banned in a joint declaration by Emperors Theodosius and Valentinian. Existing offending works are burnt in public by Christians in a torchlight parade. Cries of 'Heil Jesus!' are heard. Time for the Jews to get worried.
- 449 – Second Council of Ephesus ends in fist fights between rival Christians. Not much evidence of 'turning the other cheek'.
- 449 – Hengist and Horsa arrive in Britain without valid passports. They come over with a band of Jutes, so-called because they arrive with hand woven bags to collect plenty of duty-free Roman merchandise. The start of the belief in Anglo-Saxon manifest destiny to create a new country.
- 450 – Long haired barbarian Merovech becomes King of the Franks. He claims to be the son of the previous king but people notice he is actually half man/half fish. Merovech later claims he is a descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdelene and therefore King of the World. Those who support his claims are called Merovingians.
451 to 460[edit]
“Huns go home!”
- 451 – The Council of Chalcedon strikes down Eutyches monophysitism basically saying that Christ does not have a Buddha nature.
- 451 – St. Genevieve saves Paris from the Huns by flashing her hairy armpits.
- 451 – At the Battle of Chalons Roman commander Aetius catches the Huns with their furry breeches down and wins the battle.
- 452 – Justa Grata Honoria sends Attila the Hun a steamy letter asking for help. Emperor Valentinian III reads about this in the tabloids and attempts damage control to no avail.
- 453 – Attila drowns in his own vomit after a vigorous drinking bender with his Hun mates.
- 455 – The Vandals sack Rome and spray paint the passing Pope Leo I. He threatens to make their name synonymous with mindless destruction - and succeeds.
- 457 – Hengist and Horsa beat the Britons in battle near London. Horsa then dies from equine fever, brought on from too much fence jumping.
- 458 – The Runic alphabet invented so that Led Zeppelin can write obscure messages on album covers.
461 to 470[edit]
“Pfffffffft!!!!!”
- 461 – Pope Hilarius adds a whoopee cushion to the papal throne to 'cheer everyone up'.
- 461 – Western Roman Emperor Majorian is killed after he takes back lost territories and introduces reforms. This is instigated by politicians who much prefer rampant corruption with a gaggle of Goths camped on one's doorstep besides.
- 462 – One of the Wonders of the World, the Statue of Zeus, is destroyed after being set alight by its new owners who mistake it for another Wonder, the Lighthouse of Alexandria.
- 463 – Romanus of Condit, a hermit, expires after being relentlessly visited by well-wishers, Christian evangelists and people seeking instruction on how to become a hermit. He later becomes the patron saint of the insane and Uncyclopedia.
- 464 – Death of Xiao Wu Di, emperor of the Lewd Song Dynasty. His rivals in the Looney Tune empire throw a party.
- 465 – Puppet Western Roman Emperor Libius Severus dies and is succeeded by Muffin the Mule.
- 466 – Hephthalites (also known as 'The White Power Huns') defeat their rivals the Heffalumps at the Battle of Pooh Corner in central Asia. The Hephathalites invade Persia by way of celebration.
- 467 – Troublemaking Vandal King Genseric raids cities in North Africa but only in months with the letter "r".
- 468 – Supreme Commander Basiliscus of a joint West Roman and East Roman amphibious attack on Carthage loses his entire fleet when someone drops a lit fag on board his flagship. Basiliscus survives, his men don't. The ships end up as burnt driftwood.
- 469 – Merkin becomes chief advisor to British King Uther Pendragon but is soon executed for his dress code suggestion.
- 470 – Merlin applies for the job of Chief Wizard in the court of King Uther Pendragon. As Merlin is living backwards in time, his work timecards would later prove to be a baffling problem for Uther's chartered accountants.
471 to 480[edit]
“This Roman clown show has gone on too long. My turn now.”
- 472 – Emperor Anthemius of the Western Roman Empire loses his army, throne and dignity (in that order) as he surrenders to his own nominal employee Ricimer. The broody barbarian has Anthemius executed for being a 'grovelling Greek'.
- 473 – Official start of the Dark Ages when peasants eat all their candles.
- 475 – Buddhism comes to China with the arrival of Bodhidharma from the Bananarama monastery in India. He opens the 1st chan school to propagate the new religion. Later offshoots from 1chan (as it is later named) include 4chan and 8chan.
- 476 – Romulus Augustulus is yanked off the imperial throne by Odoacer. Romulus receives a smacked botty from the barbarian but is allowed to live. Effective end of the Roman Empire in the West.
- 477 – King Gaiseric of the Vandals dies. His last act is to trash his own death bed.
- 478 – The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle commences publication with a report about Beowulf and his encounter with Angelina Jolie inside a dragon's cave.
- 480 – The twin births of St. Benedict, creator of a sickly liqueur named in his dishonour and his swotty sister St. Scholastica. She becomes the holy one to pray to if you don't want rain or wind. Scholastica is the patron saint of Cricket.
- 480 – Last Roman Emperor in the West Julius Nepos (deposed originally in 475) is stabbed to death by his own friends in a dispute over a gambling debt. One of them happens to be a bishop as well!
481 to 490[edit]
“Hang loose and inhale my stash”
- 481 – Childeric I of the Franks dies. His original heir Chillax was too cool to succeed. Chillax's younger brother Clovis is less modest. He takes the throne and kills Chillax.
- 482 – Mayans invent the bouncy castle. When its architects are blown away in it during a freak storm, practical but unhappy Mayans return to building in stone.
- 484 – Roman General Leontius is sent against rebellious Roman General Illus (probably related to the above Chillax) in Thrace. Leontius immediately changes sides and has himself declared emperor as soon as he is out of Constantinople city limits, thinking this to be a good idea at the time.
- 486 – Clovis invades Soissons in what becomes Northern France. The territory is ruled by a former Roman general called Duke Syagrius who claims allegiance to the vanished Roman Empire in the West. Syagrius is defeated and runs off to ally with the Visigoths. They hand Syagrius back to Clovis who has his rival thrown to the dogs a year later.
- 488 – Death of Hengist, the first King of Kent. Still a thorough pagan.
- 488 – Usurper Leontius and his army are surrounded near Antioch and Leontius is defeated and captured. His head is sent to Rome while the rest of him remains local apparently due to high shipping costs.
- 489 – Battle of Verona. Odoacer is again defeated by Theodoric the Not Quite Yet Great despite cleverly disguising his soldiers as giant squirrels. Apparently Theodoric's army is well aware that squirrels, giant or not, do not carry shields and spears.
- 490 – Battle of Adda. Odoacer gets a hat trick by losing once again to Theodoric. Despite heavy fan support from Cesena and Rimini, his army is on the verge of being dumped from the Premier League.
491 to 500[edit]
“I need a holy bath”
- 491 – Aelle the Saxon creates Sussex as his English home. His heavy pagan metal band members frighten the local Britons to flee in terror.
- 492 – Pope Felix III "the Cat" dies after excommunicating Acacius of Constantinople after Acacius is freed to use black magic against Felix. This causes a schism between the Western and Eastern parts of the church even though both would still worship Cthulhu. And Mammon.
- 493 – Ostrogoth Theodoric Now I Am The Great kills rival Italian ruler Odoacer during a raucous party to celebrate peace and harmony.
- 494 – Chinese Emperor Xiao Wen Di makes Chinese the official language of the empire and requires all citizens named Pookie, Stinky, Fartface and Nigel to adopt Chinese names.
- 495 – Cerdic conquers a territory he calls 'Wessex'. He goes on to create Amex, Netflix and Suffix.
- c.495 – The Shaolin monastery is built, with the sounds of punching and odd screams and shouts in China increasing many times in the next few years. It would be bult with 36 chambers but with insufficient chamberlains and woefully few chamber pots.
- 496 – Frankish King Clovis joins the Catholic Church on a free transfer from Paganland. He holds off from taking the baptismal bath for another 12 years 'just in case Woden is real'.
- 497 – Supposed Japanese Emperor Buretsu putatively ascends the throne at a reported age 9. His apparent reign is possibly indifferent with very little if any information existing on what happened after succeeding his equally mysterious father. He is thus considered one of the greatest rulers of all time.
- 498 – Men stop shaving. Only the clergy is allowed to own razorblades from now on.
- 500 – Battle of Dijon. Franks and Burgundians clash over which mustard is best.