1st century
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The 1st century includes the years 1 to 100, as only the calendar denial crowd (see table above) presumes there was a year called "0". Perhaps they believe that since Jesus was born on December 25, in the year 1 AD or 1 CE, they feel that that particular year was only 7 days long. Those individuals[1] might assume the rest of that year was the year 0 since the previous year was 1 BC, Before Christ. However, this would be too confusing for disbelievers in the number zero therefore this unworkable scheme was rejected.[2]
Years 1 and so on in this nearly-standard calendar scheme are now commonly appended with CE (Christian Era) just to make work for editors. Previously, Anno Domini[3], or AD, was more commonly used, so named by Dionysius Exiguus in the year we know today as 525[4]. He set a reference point for the existing Julian/Gregorian calendar system by carefully calculating Jesus's birth year, even though nobody had a clue, much less Dionysius. As sheeple commonly existed then as they do today, the dating system was widely adopted and here we are. Nowadays, CE and BCE are the preferred, more neutral suffixes in order to accomodate ignorant animal-like savage pagans who wouldn't know how to read a calendar if it talked to them.
Highlights[edit]
The Roman Empire would reach its greatest size and power during this century. One might say that it reaches its zenith, but that is just a middling TV set and has nothing to do with the folks in togas. The Romans would still get pushback on their borders, particularly from the Germanic tribes who much preferred Oktoberfest and lying in a drunken stupor over Saturnalia and its toga parties. How this expansion happens is somewhat mysterious as the favorite sport back in Rome is "knock off the emperor". Not to worry, Scandinavian tribes were busy beating up each other at this time so as to provide the coming Alien vs. Predator franchise in a few hundred years.
Christianity arises at this time on the heels of the birth of The Big Guy, Jesus. With links to Judaism, it immediately catches the notice of Romans, with each side calling each other pagans. Christianity proves to be more popular than expected since members immediately get to ignore not only the Ten Commandments but also the Jewish dietary restriction of "no bacon". It would provide God with endless hours of gameplay with other religions including those who merely worship Him in a different way.[5] Meanwhile, Christians would prove to be "needy" types but polite, always looking forward to end-of-the-world vacations but later always willing to allow non-Christians to reach the end of their worlds first.
Chronology[edit]
1 CE to 10 CE[edit]
Theme song for the decade: Love Hurts by Nazareth, written in 8 CE
- 1 CE – Jesus is born in a motel parking lot in Nazareth. What a fantastic coincidence that he would be born in this year of all years. Everyone agrees that it's a miracle. Spoilsports say this miracle happened five years earlier.
- 3 – Persian scientists invent the gizmo. Not to be outdone, Chinese invent the doohickey.
- 5 – After discovering and recording his 1000th star, astronomer Liu Xin is ordered to stop his studies and is made the Emperor's official lookout for the ice cream truck.
- 7 – Roman General Tiberius wipes out the librarians of Dalmatia, only to find he was supposed to fight the Illyrians.
- 8 – Jesus is surrounded by hoods at school. He makes the pronouncement, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." The big kids then decide to just beat the crap out of Jesus and his words are repeated and passed around to mock him. Later scholars would then reduce an anonymous observation made afterwards from "Jesus cried like a little bitch" to "Jesus wept."
- 9 – "Herman the German", aka Arminius, leads the Roman legions of Quinctilius Varus into the Teutoborg Forest on a 3-hour tour. The legions are never seen again. Emperor Augustus would be heard to say, "Quinctilius Varus, give me back my deposit!" and would later rate the tour with only one star on Yelp.
- 10 – The Chinese Han dynasty go on strike. The Tories don;t need Hans to speed up the next drama.
11 CE to 20 CE[edit]
Theme song for the decade: Our House by Madness, written in 14 CE
- 14 CE – Tiberius becomes emperor. Romans anticipate with dread a new month being created and named after himself.
- 14 – Tiberius appoints Sejanus as head of the Imperial Praetorian Guard. Sejanus looks both ways before taking the job.
- 19 – Pontius Pirate becomes the scourge of the Red Sea. Barrrrrrabbas would soon join his crew.
- 19 – 'Little Booties' Caligula kills his father Germanicus because the latter smacked his bottom for sleeping with his sisters.
- 20 – The aqueduct now known as the Pont du Gard is completed to provide water to Colonia Nemausus (now Nîmes). Due to meddling by the Roman senate, the project is 10 years late and tremendously overbudget, wandering through what is now Belgium to what is now Spain. Initially, one slave with a bucket would walk on top to deliver water until someone has the bright idea to install pipes along the roadway.
21 CE to 30 CE[edit]
Theme song for the decade: Your Cheatin' Heart by Hank Williams, written in 28 CE
- 21 CE – Rome loses 2 more full legions as soldiers disappear into a long line of people waiting to get Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
- 23 – Jean-Luc Picard Sejanus poisons a love rival in an episode of Roman Empire: A New Perversion.
- 24 – Jesus decides to become a surfer but is disappointed by the six-inch waves in the Dead Sea.
- 26 – The witch Gwyneth of California convinces followers to tie live ducks on their heads and to put moose antlers up their behinds for their health and beauty benefits. Those ideas spread throughout the known world, with Gwyneth barely able to contain her laughter. The later Catholic church will adopt these practices for its Opus Dei organization.
- 28 – Despite his humble origins and his message of peace and forgiveness, most of Jesus's followers do just the opposite, making Jesus believe he landed on the Bizarro planet.
- 29 – Jesus opens a seafood stand and does a very brisk business selling loaves and fishes.
- 30 Jesus is crucified, or so the Romans think. It turns out that Mel Gibson was blocking out shots for his movie and the realism was so good, it fooled everyone.
31 CE to 40 CE[edit]
Theme song for the decade: Crucify by Tori Amos, written c.33 CE
- 31 CE – Jesus tells his apostles he will make them fishers of men. Several take this to mean catfishing and start writing provocative letters to Roman dignitaries.
- 31 – Sejanus's reality life program is cancelled by his old friend emperor Tiberius.
- 33 – Jesus is crucified, or so says traditional belief. The special nails that Filipinos use to do crucifixion reenactments are accidentally swapped for real ones.
- 33 – Jesus is buried in a cave sealed with a rock named Dwayne. 3 days later he rolls the away the rock, sees his shadow, and there are six more weeks of winter. This is proof that Dad jokes date to the 1st century.
- 34 – The Apostle Paul is converted, from AC to DC. Kinky.
- 35 – Santa Claus is born, creating a vast religion that competes with Christianity today.
- 36 – St. Peter, the acting CEO of Christians United, announces annual profits at Three Dead Martyrs, Two Stonings and a Partridge in a Date Tree. A dividend is paid to existing shareholders in the new Christian business.
- 40 – Riding elephants, the Trung sisters lead a revolt in Vietnam that spills over into Middle Earth.
41 CE to 50 CE[edit]
Theme song for the decade: Dark Horse by Katy Perry, written in 41 CE
- 41 CE – After the assassination of Caligula, his horse Trigger attempts to consolidate power, but Shadowfax and Mr. Ed break with him, favoring a republic.
- 42 – Hero of Alexandria invents the whoopee cushion and a great number of practical jokes that become popular throughout the Roman Empire. He would later die horribly after his "pull my finger" joke is made too close to an open fire.
- 43 – Romans land in the British Isles and start bossing everyone around. Bloody tourists!
- 44 – Mystical Christians foresee the end of the world and await the coming of the end. and the Rapture. Santa Claus is confused and doesn't know whether to deliver gifts to them or not. Romans become impatient with Christians as the latter block streetcorners with their luggage.
51 CE to 60 CE[edit]
Theme song for the decade: Revolution by the Beatles, written 60 CE
- 51 CE – The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
- 53 – Roman Emperor Claudius issues his famous decree, "Moose and squirrel must die."
- 54 – Claudius is poisoned by his wife Agrippina on instructions from a very imporant squirrel. Her son Nero becomes emperor.
- 55 – Many Christians once again expect an apocalypse to occur at any time. The end is foretold in a fortune that the Apostle Shatt-nur receives in a fortune-telling machine in a dive restaurant in a small town. While not totally convinced by his extreme histrionics, his followers spare for change on the street to allow him to continue his divinations in the restaurant while secretly also buying beers for himself.
- 60 – Queen Boudica of the Iceni decides that "that time of the month" is going to go on permanently.
61 CE to 70 CE[edit]
Theme song for the decade: Panic in Detroit by David Bowie. The '60s, which of course went from 61 to 70 CE, marked the the beginning of the end for the days of yore, with the deaths of several Apostles, the martyring of Peter and Paul, and the birth of the modern table.
- 64 CE – The Great Fire of Rome spreads quickly throughout the city. Nero calls out his fire department but realizes he hasn’t got one. Plebs! More plebs are needed!
- 65 – The Jewish-Roman wars begin. Romans forget to blame the Jews for the Great Fire. Instead they execute St. Paul and St. Peter as they looked 'Jewish' enough.
- 66 – Hobbiton is first established in Australia. After constant harassment by drop bears and bunyips, the town is moved to New Zealand where kiwis and travelling wizards are the only hazards.
- 68 – Nero takes his own life when no one steps forward to run him through.
- 69 – No less than 4 emperors come to power in one year with 3 falling due to murder or suicide. The last of the group, Vespasian, would only allow rubber knives and swords within the boundaries of Rome during his reign.
71 CE to 80 CE[edit]
Theme song for the decade: Eruption by Van Halen, written 79 CE
- 71 CE – Native Americans develop popcorn and roasted peanuts in the shell. The mystery cult of "circus" would spring up with Indians eating those foods while watching performances by jugglers, clowns, lion tamers and certified public accountants.
- 74 – The Gospels of St. Luke and St. Matthew are sued by the writer of the Gospel of St. Mark for plagarism and stealing all its best lines.
- 79 – A secret cult of Christians move to Pompeii as they somehow determine it is now time for the end of the world. There, they enjoy cheap buffets and the light pumice rocks that are thrown at them by the townspeople.
- 79 – Pompeii and Herculaneum are destroyed by Mt. Vesuvius. Jews and Christians are blamed, especially a group of the latter in Pompeii who run around in the streets yelling, "Told ya so!"
- 80 – The Colosseum opens. In the first incidence of fake news, it is reported the Detroit Lions beat the Nazareth Christians 14-0. The actual result is that Ben-Hur wins the feature race at odds of 15-1 after favorite Russell Crowe fails to finish.
81 CE to 90 CE[edit]
Theme song for the decade: Tiger by My Side, by Empire of the Sun, written in 86 CE
- 82 CE – Mops are invented but do not gain immediate popularity as witches have difficulty getting them to fly.
- 83 – The elaborate Palace of Versailles is yet to be built.
- 85 – Crimson flames tied through my ears, rolling high and mighty traps.
- 86 – Directed to do so by a group of princes, Chinese artisans discover a perfect method to paint tiger stripes on leopards and spots on tigers. This is banned by the emperor as being frivolous, much to the relief of the five surviving artisans.
- 88 – The last Triceratops in the world is killed during a match at the Colosseum. Its still-enraged opponents, a group of badgers, then begin attacking people in the grandstand, thus creating the first audience participation show.
- 89 – The Chinese Ping empire is transcluded. As they have no Wikipedia available to determine what that means, they fade into obscurity.
- 90 – Romans rediscover the burning mirrors used by Archimedes to defend Syracuse 300 years earlier. Barbecue is invented when cattle blunder into the testing area.
91 CE to 100 CE[edit]
Theme song for the decade: Follow Rivers, by Lykke Li, written in 93 CE
- 92 CE – To repel Mongol invaders, several Chinese kingdoms pool their resources and build the Great Ditch of China on its borders and fill it with water. It is a marvel of engineering, 200 feet wide with a limited number of bridges across, all heavily defended. However, as it is only a foot deep it fails to do the job. Observers of the time note that peasants trampled by Mongol horses stay clean and are not covered in dirty hoof prints, even though the peasants are still dead.
- 94 – The Amazon River floods its banks and is frustrated when it is unable to visit ATMs for some cash for the weekend.
- 95 – Oil paints are discovered but people see little use for painting puddles of black goo found on the ground.
- 97 – A Christian cult determines that Jesus came from Atlantis and goes in search of the fabled city. Chroniclers of the time would agree that using boats to cross the ocean would have been a better idea.
- 98 – Door locks are invented as Christians go from house to house to spread their religion, typically carrying a huge scroll under one arm and pushing a baby stroller with the other.
- 100 – Every Roman soldier over 100 years old is honored by being promoted to centurion.
- 100 – Death of St. John the Apostle. Last of the 'Jesus' gang to go. Wrote a Gospel, a few letters and the Book of Revelation after a heavy night on the sauce.