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Whiskers help to aid the catfish in its uncanny imitation of a cat.
A catfish on a bad hair day.

Look, up in the sky! It's a fish! It's a cat! No, it's a catfish (Felix pisces)! That's right, a catfish (plural catfish) can fly! It can fly, it can fly! Just like Dumbo™ (a copyrighted subsidiary of the Disney Corporation (used with permission))! No, really! Long before you finish reading this article, you will either be (A) forced by compelling logic to believe that a catfish can fly, or (2) forced to hit your back button to quickly return to that other page you now suddenly realize is a great deal more interesting than this insipid drivel about catfish.


A dead catfish, resting comfortably upon its dissection tray. Cause of death: undetermined.

The catfish has whiskers and fins and scales, just like a regular cat. Such whiskers (also known as fingers) may be manually removed only by qualified Germans. It also has a large gaping mouth, which it uses to carry a wedge of sliced lemon. The majority of its furless bulk is supported by a substantial bed of lettuce and drenched with delicious tartar sauce. As we study the slender graceful fish-like form in front of us, the two dead eyes stare back at us. Cold. Unfeeling. We shiver slightly as a brief pang of guilt passes through us, unbeckoned.

Prying open the catfish's gut with a large fork, we also discover a pocket watch. Close examination of the pocket watch reveals that it is a Timex™ pocket watch, which was probably swallowed whole by the catfish at least 50 years ago, back when Timex™ was still making pocket watches. "Hell, they don't even make pocket watches anymore!", we exclaim. As a rhythmic force begins to exert itself on our heightened senses, we feel uneasy. The pocket watch is still ticking. Just like in those stupid commercials.

Anyone who kisses a catfish is likely to develop a condition known as "pussy lips". This condition, nearly always fatal, results in the formation of cheese around the mouth and coagulation of saliva. Catfish a banned from department stores in many countries.

Larval stage[edit]

Each year, by the light by the light by the light, of the blazing hot sun, the adult catfish lays billions of eggs in the steaming hot crickmuds of the Lawsianna Bayou. Bornst nekkid and ugly, the helpless larvae (kittenfish) are tended by automated fish-cultivating machinery, left over from the time when catfish were sentient and had a thriving enlightened civilization. After the catfish (plural) grow large enough, they are strongly encouraged by their guidance counselors to enroll in flight school, where they earn their wings upon graduation four years later.


The catfish is a most elusive thing. It feeds on cans, small clocks, and string. It barks like a sheep when you pull its ear, and hides inside trees whilst imbibing beer. The catfish is also in possession of a technologically advanced echolocation system, which it utilizes whilst airborne to detect large objects blocking the path of its parabolic trajectory. Unfortunately, the catfish is entirely incapable of taking the necessary evasive action in order to avoid lethal collisions.

A flock of freshly-launched catfish in flight formation.


Catfish do not live a happy life. All catfish are over 9 billion years of age. Therefore, a catfish has never died due to 'peanus deduction' while in captivity. If someone says that they have died of peanus deduction, it is because they are probably the catfish's husband or wife.They go when they want to.


It flies through the air with the greatest of ease, that daring young catfish being launched from its underground pneumatic launching silo, reaching a terminal velocity of approximately 500 kph within the first 0.25 seconds. Upon reaching maximum altitude several hundreds of kilometers downrange, the catfish curls itself into a fetal ball in a useless attempt to protect itself from inevitable impact with Bruno Ziskey's breast. At night, the catfish are hunted down buy the alligator snapping muskrat. With its sharp hammer-shaped claws, the alligator snapping muskrat knocks the catfish out and excretes its waste on the fish as sauce.

See also[edit]