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“"Whiskers, so often mistaken as connaisseurs of a famous scottisch drink"”

~ Oscar Wilde on Whiskers

“I COULD GROW WHISKERS IF I DAMN WELL WANTED TO. Security, get this a-hole out of here”

~ Gene Simmons on Whiskers

A cat, receiving 2.4GHz signals from a bluetooth headset with its high-directional lambda 2 antenna array, mistaking them for a mouse.

Whiskers are often observed on mammals. The long hairs protruding from the front regions of the face have been examined and studied for a long time. Scottish makers of intoxicating beverages have named a traditional product after them and aboriginal tribes in the southeast andes have used cat whiskers as bridal decoration and to clean the gaps between their front teeth for centuries until cats went extinct in the region.

Traditional View[edit]

A confused cat, disturbed by a microwave oven in the next room, having problems with the traditional "tactile aid" function of its whiskers

The functions of whiskers have not been fully understood for a long time. The traditional view would describe the function of whiskers as something like "helping orientation in the dark", or as an "tactile aid". Something like: "If the whiskers would fit into a gap then the whole cat fits into it without getting stuck".

The Breakthrough[edit]

Recent studies from a lesser reputated university in the rural area of Estonia brought an incredible breakthrough and completly new insight into the real functions:

  • The average length of cat-whiskers is exactly lamba 2 of the wavelength of high frequency signals around 2.4 GHz
  • The capability of the cat to move its whiskers at will allows them to produce an high-directional antenna array for signals in the range of 2.4 GHz with an antenna gain of more than 32dB
  • Mice emit 2.4 GHz signals when mating (which means they are distracted during this process, which in turn makes them easy prey (Maybe this finding is caused by proliferation of bluetooth headsets in Estonia during the mating season of mice, further investigations have to eliminate this possible source for errors)

This is another example how the marvels of evolution produce mindboggingly useful features

Problems in Modern Households[edit]

Most cats will be totally confused in modern households through the extensive use of the 2.4GHz radio band.

Many devices such as microwave ovens, bluetooth devices or wireless computers emit high frequency signals, which will leave the poor cat completely disoriented, perplexed and in a state of mind to slip into the next wormhole.

Cats are often observed to attack wireless computer equipment, microwave ovens and alike. This new fact will now make you understand this formerly mysterious behaviour.

Such confused cats are often abused by ruthless kitten huffers

See Also[edit]