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“When he opens his eyes he can see better.”

~ John Madden

“What if Hitler had two balls, but only one eye?”

~ Oscar Wilde


Eyes are jellyfish-like organs responsible for the sense of smelling-salts, commonly found on the face or inside a dirty magazine. Each of them is attached to an eye sprocket, which is used to move the eye. This is required because eyes are usually too damned lazy to move themselves. Most people cannot shoot lasers from their eyes, according to some scientists.

Everything has eyes[edit]

Everything has eyes. Even squirrels have eyes. There once was a badger called Derrick; he had eyes and the world was forever changed. Paris Hilton appears to have one eye that is slightly smaller than the other. It is in fact a congealed piece of cheese that became lodged in her eye socket during a masturbation/eating session. It is unknown at this time whether the cheese is Swiss or American. The eyes of some species of cloud are known to bleed white lightening. Beware as this substance is what causes mice trios to go blind and Mountain Dew to go black. And once you go black you never go back.

Let the experts take care of your eyes.


Scientists have been studying the eyes for centuries, and are no closer to discovering the mechanics of seeing than they ever have been. Oh, they talk a good game, they say shit like "rods and cones" and "optic nerve" and "color spectrum" and so on, but it still just boils down to "Light goes in one end and pictures come out the other. You can't explain that."

Every pope until 2013 has had some degree of eye beam.

Special powers[edit]

Throughout history, some individuals (both human and non-human) have been able to do more with their eyes than just see stuff.

  • Superman's heat vision can cut through anything. Rocks, concrete, bank vaults, you name it. I wish I had heat vision. Also he has X-rated Vision, which means he can look through women's clothing and stuff. I'll bet that was pretty cool in the 1950s, before the internet and all the bitchin' porn available now, but just looking at naked chicks is kinda boring. Certain characters from Naruto such as Neji Hyuga also share this X-rated vision.
  • St. Peter's Basilica can turn you into stone by looking at you. Chuck Norris also has, but is not limited to, these powers.
  • That blue chick in the Powerpuff Girls had ice vision. Bet she could chill a beer with just a glance.
  • My grandmother knew this old Italian Lady who had an evil eye and if she looked at you with it, you'd die in like a week.
  • Hurricanes get their power by combining the eyes of all their previous victims into one big eye.
  • Miraluka Jedi Visas Marr has a power called Force Sex through empty eyesockets.
  • Pride from Fullmetal Alchemist can see the future with his left eye.
  • Some people can see using them.
  • Sasuke, Kakashi, and Itachi from Naruto have a special eye power that can be used for anything from copying their enemies' moves to date rape.
  • If you wear glasses you have the power of (at least) four eyes.
  • Medusa: her gaze turned people to stone.
  • Sylvester Stallone: Had an "Eye of the Tiger" that would, under the right conditions, play a song that would help him train for big fights, such as against Superman in Rocky XXX: This Time, He's Pissed!
  • Stone: His gaze turned people into Medusa.


Poke it. G'wan, you know you want to.
A sniper contact
Upgrade Downside Advantage Cost
Sniper contacts You can't have Dialated vision. (Well fuck that, I can see right.) You can see the hell out of some distance. Eff yeah. Two of your first born son.
Super contacts You can burn out your eyes. You can burn out your eyes. You can burn- I mean, $2,000.
Replacements Sometimes your new eyes will pop out from time to time. If you get tiger eyes, you can see in the dark and roar! 'Bout $60 for raccoon eyes and $1,000,000 for Zebra eyes.
Knee surgery Patients complain that they find no difference with their eyesight. Every operation left patients with working eyes. $5,000-ish.
Spoon-gouge Some loss of focus. Patients claim that they can watch TV for hours without hurting their eyes! 0.01 cents, but you can get it for free with a home procedure.
Gamma ray booster rocket Microwaves can sometimes accidentally activate them and possible impalement might occur. Great for quick, speedy getaways. Free (home procedure)
Pancake pupil replacement Eyesight crispy and the butter makes contacts slip off. If the optional laser is added, you can look at an empty plate and send pancake spores to slowly grow a new pancake (incubation time: nine weeks.) $10–$15 depending on the flapjack brand.
Eye beams Eye beams are so powerful that they drain all your energy when fired, which means you need a constant supply of very nutritious foodstuffs to be able to use them. You can finally compete with kittens in "laz0r competishuns". Depends on the brand; certain Eastern European firms sell eye beams for $150 and up, but a professionally installed pair of eye beams costs at least $2,500.
Keep hot water off of your eye. Don't let this happen to you. Is this saw eye an eye saw? Or has it been attacked with one?
This happens when the eye of your budgie suddenly explodes.

Proper care[edit]

  • Keep your eyes clean. Remove them twice a week and rinse them off in clear, cool water. Never use hot water or your eye will cook like a hard-boiled egg.
  • Do not squeeze the eye.
  • Do not use the eye as a cooking utensil except in times of national need.
  • Eyes do not bounce like other spherical objects; the word splat comes to mind.
  • Never write on your eye with a sharp pencil or fountain pen. Use a soft brush dipped in non-acid ink, or a gently rounded felt-tip marker.
  • Take care when shaving the eye, especially around the cornea.
  • Always blink when looking at the sun.
  • Don't run with scissors.
  • Do not shampoo too vigorously.
  • Don't run with an eye saw.
  • Be careful when skullfucking. Take your eyes out before each session; we don't want to get hair in our eyes now do we?
  • Scrambled eyes don't taste good; it's better to serve them sunny-side up.
  • Scottish Formula 1 legend Jackie Stewart has the smallest eyes in recorded history. In fact, the apparatus used by Ernest Rutherford when splitting the atom was merely an improved model of the apparatus used by Stewart's mother for applying his eye drops when he was a child.
  • If you have wide eyes like a wide-eyed goblin then you need to get restrainers or go to Asia for a while.
  • Be sure to update the drivers for your eyes every evening for optimum vision. This also protects against eye viruses, worms and midgets. Tip: they hide in the blind spot, then BAM! they getcha.
  • Recalibrate your eyes using a very powerful laser daily.
  • Dentists recommend you change your eyes every three months or so.

In popular culture[edit]

  • CBS television company is run by an enormous eye. The eye also has parts in many popular films as a stunt eye during supposed closeups of characters' eyes. Many movie actors now have clauses preventing their POP TART eyes from being seen on screen, causing a headache for the guys at CGI, due to their scientologist beliefs.
  • It is rumoured that if you pause the movie The Lion King at just the right time, you can see Simba's eye.
Jackie Stewart's "wee eyes". More recently, soon-to-be-ex-Mercedes AMG F1 team principle Ross Brawn has challenged for this honour — each eye barely visible to the world, having been transplanted from a common field mouse.

Eye also see[edit]