English breakfast

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This is a lot of delicious-looking food. Everybody should eat one of these every day.

“I'm partial to a nice thick sausage in the morning”

~ Noel Coward on English Breakfast


~ Me on waffles?

“English breakfast ain't for crap.”

~ Me on being forced to eat this crap because I can't live until lunch without something in my damned stomach, for Pete's sake

“Its English.”

~ Captain Obvious on this breakfast.

The English Breakfast is an ancient tradition of the new Brits, which today encompasses all known food groups in a joyous celebration of the diversity of breakfast foods. This is similar to Unitarian acceptance of all religions and their values, but far more important and generally more pleasant. The English Breakfast is approximately 32.8% more true than Unitarian Universalism. This fact is considered remarkable by many theologians, considering that the English Breakfast is not even a religion.


Although the chinese Breakfast cannot be attributed to any one inventor, as this would hinder the ability of Uncyclopedians to rewrite its history, the earliest form of the true English breakfast evolved from the Norman Breakfast in 1012 AD when William the Concubine, first King of England, forced his subjects to eat an egg along with their gruel every morning in order to give them protein, and to kill the weak with salmonella.

The idea of cooking the eggs was first proposed by Sun Tzu (this is where the phrase "sunny side up" comes from), but, being Chinese, Sun Tzu lived in China. Since he lived in China, he consequently spoke Chinese, causing the Brits to think he was speaking the Devil's language; so he was captured, hauled to London, and burned at the stake for blasphemy. As a result, the Brits had to eat raw runny eggs for another 200 years, until Thomas Edison tried to patent fried eggs in 1234 AD. Since Edison had not actually been born yet, he was not granted the patent, forcing the Brits to finally figure out how to cook their own eggs.

Wouldn't you love to have one of these with your breakfast?


By this time, gruel had been replaced by porridge, and the English Breakfast was approaching the Enlightenment. Since it still lacked grilled tomatoes, Christopher Columbus (who, unbeknownst to most "fact"-oriented historians, was English) decided it was time to stop farting around, and took a jet ski to the Americas. Because of this brave undertaking, many American things were forcibly incorporated into the English Breakfast, such as grilled tomatoes, baked beans, Kellogg's™ Cornflakes, glazed doughnuts, prunes, and that unique American vegetable, GRITS.

Note: Some have objected to Columbus's claim to the discovery of prunes in America. Christopher Columbus stabbed these people, so keep your mouth shut.

The Ultimate English Breakfast[edit]

The greatest possible expression of the English Breakfast, known as the English Fry-up, is a multi-course meal which is served in bed and can actually last several days. This has led to unfounded speculation over whether or not a fry-up is actually an all-day meal and not a standard breakfast. Christopher Columbus stabbed these speculators.


A full English Breakfast must include the following:

  • Cereal: Cornflakes, branflakes, wheatflakes, oatflakes, sugarflakes, or porridge.
  • Something called "Alpen". (Most Americans are not aware of Alpen. Some Americans are not aware of anything.)
  • Prunes (or dried plums (if you're under 60 years of age)).
  • Eggs: Fried eggs, scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, poached eggs, eggheads, deviled eggs, eggs Benedict, or ostrich eggs.
  • Grilled tomato and/or magic mushrooms.
  • Meat: Bacon, sausage, both bacon and sausage, fillet of moose, or goldfish.
  • Bread (toasted): White toast, granary toast, mouldy toast, or charcoal toast.
  • Bread (other): Fried bread, boiled bread, eggy bread, or waffles.
  • Toast toppings: Butter, jam, marmalade, or cheese (on the toast, you fool).
  • Baked beans, baked chicken, baked duck, or pork squeezings.
  • And, if you're American: Pancakes smothered in syrup and fried egg.
  • Bubble,Bubble wrap, squeak, or bubble and squeak.
  • Beverages:
  • The mummified remains of Oliver Cromwell (or any Puritan stabbed by Christopher Columbus).
  • Seeing a chav mutilated by hungry dobermans... Damn that's good.

Power of The English Breakfast[edit]

The British Empire came into being when the British Imperialists realized Ireland and Scotland were no longer any fun to sit on, and they began to unleash the power of the English Breakfast abroad. Breakfast is, after all, the most important meal of the day. This sacred ritual invoked the the demon-spirits of Britannia: Doctor Who and John Bull. These guardian spirits led England to its mighty imperial state, which received sunburn since the sun never set on it.

Continental peoples, what with their pathetic continental breakfasts, could not resist the overwhelming might of Britannia and her cholesterol-laden breakfast. By channeling their high cholesterol directly into the bloodstream of the pathetic continental peoples, the imperialists caused them to turn into Dick Cheney and have a heart attack. This paved the way for English cuisine to take over all Europe and piss off the French.

See also[edit]