From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Coffee. Must have Coffee.

Coffee (pron: /☕/), often confused with "an electric slap to the rectum", is a liquid containing various properties, such as the expansion of pubic hair, as well as the destruction of nearby swastikas and communists. Famed for its ability to induce hyperactivity and finally bring the long overdue cure for sleep and brain tumours.


The most common scientific consensus states that Coffee was invented by the famous Finnish inventor, Sir Thomas Coffee in the year 1081. Scholars state that after an acoustic Dave Mathews cover gig at the local YMCA open-mic in the F.A.G. district of Kuopio, the on-duty swimming instructor / promoter reluctantly paid Sir Thomas with the blood of Satan Feldstein. Mistakingly, Thomas Coffee mixed the blood with hot water and a variety of other things: anal beads, pussy juice, and Maxwell House medium roast coffee, to name a few. The result, "Kafka."

However, most religious believers are disatisfied by all manner of logic and attribute coffee as one of their deities. For example, Atheists protest that coffee is the only true God, and therefore developed all life (String theorists disagree, stating that a Starbucks must have existed beforehand, on the moon). But, this notion makes absolutely no sense, because Atheists believe in no god.

Conversely, the Christian belief is that coffee was the biproduct of the feces created by one of Jesus Christ's favorite meals: stale nacho chips with sour cream & quadruple extra jalopenas. (A pound of jalopenas. Or, by ancient man's standards, "one thousand pennywhistles.") Theologians state that the "bloody BMs" were observed to be "Kimchi," or, as we now know it, "coffee."

Another theory states that coffee was created by the residual nuclear waste from the atomic bomb that exploded over Hiroshima, Jap-Land. Retardly, this "theory" holds no water, however, because coffee is shown in historical records to have existed by early 1986.

Another popular theory is how coffee had come from the spores of the famed "Kakoufafuakakouka" leaf. This is only to found in highly populous cities, such as Bakersfield, CA or Asheville, North Carolina. Many think it is extracted by little Hobbits that come from the abandoned strip clubs to be found all over the cities that grow this plant. After extracting the rich nut from the leaf, they proceed to to vigorously touch themselves until they reach peak "horniness". They then use their oozing testosterone and mix it with a ground up nut. This makes that rich, soothing taste that you get from the coffee. This, of course, happened many years ago, well before the "New World" had been found.

The true origin of coffee matters little because its use was uncommon until the late 1700s. British men, living in the American Colonies, realized that they, well, weren't very manly. In a fit of repression, English men (kings...) gave up a few of their most ridiculous habits -- drinking tea, talking posh and wanking into each other's eyes. The result, were a hardened group of, almost manly, American men, distributing firm handshakes (Reach arounds) and happily consuming their coffee -- with a pleasant blend of sugar, vanilla flavored coffee creamer, and loads of semen -- cinnamon.


This is what Americans have instead of coffee. It is similar to that mucky crap you find in a tray under your refrigerator.

The exact preparation of coffee remains a secret to this day because coffee is said to cause Global Warming. In a report given to the National Institute of Technology Technologies, Ex-Vice President Al Gore, who is now a widely accepted journalist and published scientist ergo credible, lambasted coffee and described its use as, "a weapon of mass destruction, psychotic; a racist, homophobic, unpatriotic Republican masquerading as a retarded god-fearing United States Citizen." It was later uncovered that Mr. Gore was in the process of building a 400,000 square-foot house out of spent coffee grounds. America subsequently overlooked the hotel-sized home because they agreed with Mr. Gore on his view of Republicans.

The half life of the radioactive coffee isotope Co178 is 300 years. Drinking this variety of brew is unwise unless you are starting your dissertation. Or planning a "revolution."

Mormons believe coffee to be evil, as they claim it is a form of idol worship, fun, and witchcraft. Following public ridicule, this belief was changed to include all caffeine -- vagina not withstanding.

Coffee is also a known cause of cancer in the State of California. In Houston, Texas, coffee is illegal to drink whilst in a taxi; in the workplace, coffee must be drunk no less than 5 times a day, and ONLY while smoking three cigarettes at once and giving head.

Secret of Coffee[edit]

The Ultimate Coffee Secrets are considered classified material on the behalf of the United States Government and the Starbucks Corporation. What little information has been leaked to the public was brought to light by the help of Roger Rabbit and Betty Boop.

Castro is a main figure in the Coffee Conspiracy. His development of a time machine enabled him to go back into time and steal a coffee plant and nuke the rest. This way he was able to "invent" coffee. However, in exchange for nukes, the CIA purchased this invention from him before it reached the press.

Starbucks head, Howard "How Hard" Shultz has long been a leader of the Illuminati. Rumors go that he owns seventeen and a half CIA men (one is in joint ownership with Michael Jackson) and upon the discovery of this invention he decided that he wanted it. Upon his acquisition, he immediately hired a team of rogue scientists who attempted to turn this into gold following secret Freemason codes.

When he realized this was no good he tried to cook the beans and eat them. Unfortunately, he didn't know how to cook very well and burnt them in the oven, and besides, they didn't taste very good on a sandwich anyway. And, as an unfortunate side-effect, he developed gastrointestinal problems leading to severe, explosive diarrhea. The fecal aromas piqued his interested, and he bottled some of the watery mix. After sitting in the freezer for about a week, he warmed it up like soup. Creativity struck, and he figured the consistency was similar to that of tomato soup so milk would be an appropriate additive.

The result was bitter and harsh, but a few spoonfuls of sugar did the trick. Howard Shultz obviously knew he had discovered a "brown gold" of sorts. However, fate being the bitch and slore that she is, Castro kidnapped the illustrious inventor before he could unveil his discovery to the modern world and took him back in time again. He chopped up Howard's body and buried him in Colombia and told some spic named Juan to watch his "plants." He then built a robo-Shultz to take his place so nobody in our day and age would notice.

Three hundred years pass and the body parts have grown into a forest of coffee plants. Some of these buy plane tickets to various other countries, due to overpopulation, but prefer tropical regions, because the women wear less clothing.

The Dangers of Coffee[edit]

Unless taken in extreme moderation, a coffee consumer may become an insufferable douchebag, or 'coffee person.' "I just don't feel like a person without my morning cup of Arabica, y'know?"

The Polish, by nature are addicted and allergic to Coffee. An unfortunate Pole must ingest large quantities of Vodka followed by Cheese to counter the massive Bowel movement following a Coffee Drink.

Addiction to coffee. Like any drug, there is the chance of dependence. In a way similar to another popular but somewhat more illegal stimulant drug (cocaine), whose addict used to be called a "coke fiend", the coffee abuser may be called a "caffiend." Treatment: the best treatment for a caffiend is to go "cold turkey" and sleep for a week or two, and switch to decaf afterwards.

Coffee and hospital dramas/comedies[edit]

The Blue Man Group loves to dream of coffee.

Coffee features heavily on virtually every single hospital drama since time began. Take for example some hospital drama that has recently been shown on some amercican network. Each episode revolves around a single day in the life of some young doctor doing stuff. Here's his daily routine and plot of a random episode:

6:30 am

"Oh, my head. Im so tired from last night because of all of the, sexual intercourse. What was i drinking last night? Oh yes, COFFEE."

7:00 am

"Some COFFEE for breakfast would be nice."

8:00 am

" I'll get a COFFEE at this stall on my way to work. "

8:30 am

" And another COFFEE from this vending machine before I start work will be nice."

10: 30 am

"HI GUYS! What should we drink for lunch? Oh, I know! COFFEE!"

12: 20pm

" YUM! COFFEE for lunch. "


"It's mid- afternoon. I need a boost. Some COFFEE will do the trick."


" OK guys I'm off now , I've got a date with <blond nurse in her 20's>. I'm going to grab a COFFEE before I go"


" You have beautiful eyes. Do you want some COFFEE for dessert? And then we can go back to my place for COFFEE."


" I need to sleep , I have another day of drinking COFFEE ahead of me. A COFFEE will help me sleep and it will be a tasty night cap."

And that's Goodnight from us and Goodnight from our sponsor; NESCAFE. Tune in next week, when he drinks some more COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Scottish Legal Position[edit]

A woman, cleverly disguised as a banana stealing leaves on top of a coffee tree.

In recent months in Scotland, the legal status of coffee has become debatable with a number of high profile busts in Glasgow and Alva. To date in 2007, there have been 2889 prosectutions for aggrivated possession and 194 for possession with intent to supply. The law allows possession of coffee for personal use but the law does not make it clear how much this constitutes.

Despite the prosecutions, coffee is currently drunk by an estimated 84% of the Scottish population. Around half are considered problem users. Coffee is openly sold in the streets however police are getting tough on people open consuming it in the street. As a result, many Cafes have opened up. Known locally as Cannabis cafes, these smoky rooms allow coffee addicts to consume their favourate caffeined beverage in a nice atmosphere.

Cannabis is also consumed in these cafes since the 2007 ruling (the Toke act that if Jacqui Spliff does it then so can you. The police greeted the decision with an unsurprising "aye". Despite this use, most of the clientele are there for the coffee: and they drink it: HARD. The cannabis smoke disguises the smell of the coffee and addicts are known to spend up to $8 (Scottish) for a single cup. The marijuana is provided free by the cafe owner so that the client gets sleepy and needs more coffee (Srewd bastards).

Coffee possession in Scotland can get you ten years hard labour or a 6 month job working for the DWP. The alternative is a $8000 fine or a death by caffeine overdose.

How to chill the coffee?[edit]

One of the most coffy questions concerning philosophy is how to make it colder when it's tongue flaming. One'd just add water to it, but the highly-concentrated-coffee-defensors has claimed the court as it was racist behavior. Other'd simply use two cups and change the liquid from one to the other until the coffee has a temperature adequate. Mathematicians usually condemn the latter as they believe this can be optimized to use only one cup.

It 2004, amateur scientist Robert Rosenberg attempted to chill boiling hot coffee by using the largely unresearched Venetian Single Cup Method. In this method, one tosses the coffee into the air, and then catches it in the cup as it returns but aLL THAT FUCKING DOES IS GET ON MY FUCKING DOCKERS AND STAIN THE SHIT OUT OF THEM IT DOES NOT WORK

The pragmatist will only have half a cup of hot coffee, but will have 2 of them, and save one for later to mix with the second half-cups. This way there is will always be room temperature coffee to mix with too-hot coffee. Never throw out a pragmatist's coffee.

Unfortunately, there's no deterministic way to solve this. The IAFECC (International Association for Enhancement of Coffee Consumption) recommends you to chill the coffee using a ventilator, in order to your drink to not lose its taste and flavour. But recent research are inheriting methods from other industry. Although the first attempt to bring the McDonalds refrigerant chilling methods was unsuccessfully (since a coffee cup can't bear the same amount of ice that a McDonald refrigerant cup can), the lasts tests are showing up that the cup of coffee can bear a pretty time inside a inner tube with air conditioner, what's a beautiful new; however, the method is only costly-worthy for big fat vendors, so you can forget it now.

It has also been said that there is a cult that worships coffee as their new God. This "Liquid Jesus" is said to promise eternal everlasting consciousness.

Chilled Coffee?[edit]

Yes, chilled coffee. Coffee with ice in it. As long as it is made with real beans, it is just as refreshing as hot coffee. However, ice with coffee is a no no, just as water with a little liquid coffee is a no no. So the next time a cafe hands you a majoritively ice cup of coffee instead of chilled coffee, make a fuss. If necessary set Catgirls on them. Do not confuse chilled coffee with cold coffee however.

Starbucks and Chilled Coffee[edit]

Starbucks sells "frappes" and "iced coffees", other names for what customers have left on tables overnight.

Cold Coffee[edit]

Cold coffee is coffee in a mug that has been left out and remains undrunk, it is a crime punishable by death to waste coffee. As long as it is drunk within 2 days of brewing cold coffee can extend your life by 3 minutes. HOWEVER, instant coffee that has been left out and gone cold is a potent poison, causing hallucinations and even death. Many conspiracies have involved the effects of cold instant coffee, including, the assassination of JFK (see above). Julias Caesar was in fact killed by cold instant coffee and not Brutus. Jimi Hendrix, also killed by cold instant coffee. The only way to stop this is to drink regular cold coffee, which stops the hallucinations and/or death for 3 minutes.

The toxicity of cold coffee has been attributable to an enhanced ability to absorb free neutrons. Once coffee has reached room temperature it can be used as a regulator of nuclear decay reactions at around 1/10th the potency of heavy water and 1/5th that of the Mushy Pea. While the ability to soak up free neutrons is unclear, it is considered likely that the cooling process causes it to convert into a cosmic ray spallation element-like material. Coffee cooled below room loses this ability, hence the distinction. Interestingly, this feature to interact with nuclear reactions has given considerable support to the Hiroshima-based origin of Coffee.

See also[edit]