Jimmy Cracked Corn
|This article may be Overly American. Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't not attempt to remedy this.|
“No really, i don't care nor get it.”
“If nobody cares, then why's there a song about it?”
Jimmy Cracked Corn is the name of a popularly known ancient neo-nazi hymn. Most of this hymn has been lost, but there are rumors that Emo Hitler knows the whole thing by heart. Of course, he's too bitchy to tell anyone.
The only remaining lyrics to this hymn were found on a clay tablet written in olive oil that had fossilized over the years. These lyrics are, "Jimmy cracked corn/and I don't care." This, of course is dubious for many reasons. Why did Jimmy crack corn? Why doesn't the speaker care? and if nobody cares, why is Jimmy bothering to crack the corn? No one has agreed on the subject yet, but there are many different theories.
Others say that the hymn was really a form of anti-corn cracking propaganada. This theory has been dubbed the Dumbass Theory since everyone wants their corn to be cracked or puffed (corn puffing was not discovered until much later than this hymn was created).
Others still claim that this hymn is meant to show the virtue of not caring. Cracking corn was a breakthrough in scienterrific technamacology, but if your not a scientistologist, then why should you care? This theory is called the So What Theory.
The So What Theory is broken down into 3 separate theories, each one having a different viewpoint. One of those viewpoints is that this hymn shows the virtue of not caring that Jimmy cracked corn, but it probably would have been amazing if anyone else had done it. This modification of the So What Theory is called the So What, Jimmy Theory.
Of course, those who oppose the So what, Jimmy theory usually assert that something else was important about these first few lines. If they remain within fundamentalist So What Theory ideas, then they usually say that it’s not Jimmy who is not to be cared about, but cracking corn. Now everyone knows that today's soceity is based on cracked corn (cracked corn is the base for most breakfast cereals, mattresses, and the US Dollar), so most people who support this theory are Amish. This theory is called the So What, Corn Cracker Theory or the Amish Theory.
The third and final version of the So What Theory says purely and simply, "So what?" This theory claims that it's not important that any corn was cracked, but also that it's not important that Jimmy cracked it either. This theory is often deemed stupider than someone who stares at their own bloody diarrhea, because if neither of the surviving lines were important, then why did they survive, and what the hell can we do with them? That is why this theory is called the Bloody Stoool Theory.
Another theory states that even though Jimmy made a huge discovery by cracking corn, he still only cracked his own corn, so the speaker has seen no benefit of Jimmy cracking corn. This is called the Greedy Bastard Theory, since anyone who follows this theory is a greedy bastard.
A popular (although complex) theory uses a different interpretation of these lyrics. the ancient language these tablets were written in (a hybrid of Wookie and Esperanto) uses many different meanings for the same words. An example is that the word "crack" can also mean "break." a far better example, whoever, is that the word "corn" in this language also means "the sound barrier." So according to these lyrics, the hymn goes "Jimmy breakeded the sound barrier/ and I don't care." Obviously, nobody cares about Jimmy S-Chickenshack, who broke the sound barrier 20 years before this hymn was written, since Einstein broke the light barrier in 42 BC, just 42 years after Jesus's Bar Mitzvah. People who rely on this restructuring of the lyrics of the hymn are called Reconstructionalist Corn Crackers, and their theory is called the Reconstructionalist Corn Cracker Theory.
Some people also believe that these lyrics were meant to have both of these meanings. They say that no one cares about Jimmy cracking corn OR about him breaking the sound barrier. This theory, a sub-division of the So What, Jimmy Theory says that no one cares about Jimmy cracking corn because he was only the second one to do so. This raises the question, "Who could have invented cracked corn?" Of course, the obvious answer is Einstein. Einstein is the one who would have made either of Jimmy's actions (cracking corn or breaking the sound barrier) meaningless. Of course, others believe Einstein simply stole the idea for cracked corn from God, just like he stole Shrinky Dinks. There is actually some evidence that Einstein used cracked corn in his most famous (and most mysterious) formula, e=mc2. According to famous crackpot scientists, e stands for ecstasy, m stands for your mom, and c2 stands for cracked corn. From this, we can gather that Einstein did both your mom and cracked corn while on ecstasy. This is called The Einstein Theory.
Others, however, believe that this song was made as a tribute to Jesus. They say that the double meaning is meant to highlight Jesus' involvement in the making of cracked corn. Of course, since there is no record of when cracked corn was made or who made it, they've made up their own explanation that makes little or no sense, but we'll list it here anyway. Jesus' Bar Mitzvah (also called his "Sweet 13)" was one of the most elaborate parties of that millenium, said to have outshone even Caesar's coronation (which is why Caesar killed him at the end of 1 BC out of jealousy). God wanted Jesus' sweet 13 to be extra special, so he gave Jesus the idea for an invention, namely cracked corn (or so the story goes). God also gave him a Ferrari chariot and an assortment of other gifts, too many to be listed here. After Jesus had been given the idea, he did not act on it at first. Soon, he found out about his imminent death, and told his best friend, John the Baptist, about his plight. At the time, John had been enrolled in college, earning his degree. Jesus did not tell John how to make cracked corn, but instead told him how to get an alien species, the FNORDians, to make him some. Jesus then told the FNORDians to give John the formula ONLY if he got all A's in his next term at college. In the end, John got one B+, and when he retook that course, he flunked out and never returned to college. This story also contains a prophecy, that one day the FNORDians will come and ask the Earth to borrow a cup of cracked corn. Since no one will have any idea how to make cracked corn, everyone will say no, and the FNORDians will destroy the Earth. This theory has two names; The Christian Theory, and The Nice Job, St. John, Theory.
Another Reconstructionalist Corn Cracker theory says that this hymn was written by students at an ancient high school who had been asked to do a project on cracking corn. This theory is called the Homework Corn Cracker Theory.
One of the Reconstructionalist theories that is more popular among nymphomaniacs uses a much different translation of the lyrics. The ancient word for "crack" can also be read as "pop." the ancient word for "corn" can also be read as "your mom's cherry." According to these lyrics, the hymn goes "Jimmy popped your mom's cherry/ and I don't care." Of course, this translation is the best one evar.
Of course there are those who doubt this hymn has any more meaning than the sane gibberings of a stark-raving gay homophobe, but we talk about these people's mothers (often saying "yore mother," "youre mom," or "yo momma") and on Thursdays the village idiot gets to pee on them and there fat, uglee mommas.
Other Lyrics Attributed to the Hymn
Corn Cracker Suite Theory Lyrics- Jimmy cracked corn, and I don’t care/Repeat/Repeat again/what is to crack a corn?
Futurama Theory Lyrics - Fry cracked corn, and I don't care/Leela cracked corn, I still don't care/Bender cracked corn, and he is great/Take that, you stupid corn!
So what, Jimmy Theory Lyrics- Jimmy cracked corn, and I don’t care/Repeat/Repeat again/But Jimmy is teh suck.
Amish Theory Lyrics- Jimmy cracked corn, and I don’t care/Repeat/Repeat again/Who cares about cracked corn?
Greedy Bastard Theory Lyrics- Jimmy cracked corn, and I don’t care/Repeat/Repeat again/Unless the corn is mine.
Einstein Theory Lyrics- Jimmy cracked corn, and I don’t care/Repeat/Repeat again/Since Einstein did it first.
Nice Job, St. John Theory Lyrics- Jimmy cracked corn, and I don’t care/Repeat/Repeat again/Saint John has doomed us all!
Guy With Common Sense Lyrics- Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care/Repeat/Repeat again/How the fuck do you crack corn?
Homework Corn Cracker Theory Lyrics- Jimmy cracked corn, and I don’t care/Repeat/Repeat again/He was a little late.
Who is Jimmy?
What is Cracked Corn?
Note that I'm including all of these words already mentioned (including the title of this section, this note I'm making now, and these parenthesis) just to piss off anyone who wants to get technical about it. Cracked corn is, to put it simply, corn that has been cracked into a powder, making it easier to snort, use as a condiment, smoke, or sprinkle on kittens before huffing. Cracked corn has many uses that are not illegal, including euthanasia, predicting the future, and making corn juice (or cornade (as in lemonade not coronade (although cracked coron is used to make coronade (does anyone even drink coronade? (How many parenthesis can I nest? (Yes, these are included in the words I'm counting to get to 1000 (No, thats not cheating (Ha! I added one extra end-paren! (What?! you don't believe me?! Fine! Go check yourself! (OK, fine, I didn't (Or did I? (Nope, I guess I didn't (Or am I lying? (Well, I guess I could be... (but I'll never tell)))))))))))))).
Use and Abuse of Cracked Corn
Cracked corn abuse is one of the leading problems among 42 year old men, women, hermaphrodites, gender confused anime fans, and satanic cult leaders. Cracked corn comes with many warning labels, but who the hell reads those, anyway? Cracked corn is a dangerous chemical, filled with many Polyoxymonodoubleplusungoodnucleogagaextrasuperlongwordchlorowhorodoorotoromorofluorocarbons (called POMDPUGNGGESLWCWDTMFCs for short). The POMDPUGNGGESLWQWDTMFCs in cracked corn can interact with the cob webs in the brains of the stupid, causing an English accent. Cracked corn's effect on a normal brain, however, can lead to white boy dancing (aka making a fool of yourself), playing polo left-handed, becoming a mime, speed-typing (usually only happens when cracked corn is abused while kitten huffing), or instant death. However, when the cracked corn is not abused, the POMDPUGNGGEZLWCWDTMFCs have many positive effects, including goodatitis, jazzing up your meal, and attracting members of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if you're into that kind of thing). Cracked corn is used to add trace amounts of POMDPUGXGGESLWCWDTMFCs to city water and cocaine. POMDPOMGWTFBBQCWDTMFCs should NEVER be used with corn on the cob, since this can cause stomach implosion, head explosion, gender confusion, prostitution, and J Walking. Corn from a can, however, is safe to use with cracked corn, since most of the corn inside of the can is made from cracked corn anyway (this is how cornade (corn juice) is made with pulp).
George Dubya Bush's Abuse of Cracked Corn
The almighty dictator of the divided states has had intimate contact with cracked corn, which he abused for years by smoking and through injection. Some scientists believe that his supreme intelligence was cause by the cracked corn flowing straight to his brain. "How else could our supreme ruler ever become so wonderful and mighty?" asked one scientist. Of course, the general response is "Oh, he's just very special." Of course, its also a widely known fact that our supreme ruler has used vast quantites of cracked corn, even signing a pact with Satan in crayon to get a block of swiss cheese filled with cracked corn. Whether he smoked the cheese or just ate it is still a mystery to this day.
Oscar Wilde and Cracked Corn
Although Oscar Wilde is the shit, some of his critics (I'm as surprised as you are that such radical groups as Ocar Wilde critics exist) claim that Oscar Wilde frequently abused cracked corn, citing his crowning achievement, Uncyclopedia, as proof. However, since Oscar Wilde is loved by everyone other than these few rogue critics, no one has paid them any mind, and many have pointed out that uncyclopedia is "teh r0xxXxX0rzz." Most people know that Oscar Wilde did use cracked corn, but leading scientologists claim they have evidence that Oscar only used cracked corn to be different, and sometimes to get into pants. He wore the pants of so many different people, including former presidents, your mom, Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Senior, and Martin Luther King XLII (but not Martin Luther King, Jr.).
Cracked Corn and... Chuck Norris?
That's right! Chuck Norris did cracked corn! It is believed that Chuck Norris' mother did some form of radioactive cracked corn, resulting in Chuck's amazing abilities. Since then, Chuck has huffed a cheetah laced with cracked corn every single day. Sometimes, He even huffs more than one of them... How this is possible without causing death or SEHS is still unknown to scientists, but everyone who ever doubted the possibility is dead. It is rumored that these stupid people were killed by a deadly roundhouse kick to the genitals by none other than Chuck Norris himself. And maybe you can't land a roundhouse kick to someone's genitals, but Chuck Norris sure as hell can (and anyone who doubts this is just fucking retarded, and doomed to be round-house kicked by Chuck Norris).
Cracked Corn Production
Cracked corn is produced in many places around the world, since it single-handedly prevents the world's economy from turning into poo. Losing researchers make up stories about how cracked corn is more vital to a country's economy than oil and electricity combined, and more important to human life than water. They tell each other about how the only animal able to survive without cracked corn is the llama. 4 out of 5 scientists were paid to agree with my previous statement, and 5 out of 4 scientists ate food for dinner last night. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, right, cracked corn production. First, raw corn is mined from corn mines that extend deep underground. Corn mines are often found next to fish mines, since corn evolved into fish sometime around 42gabillion-jillion B.C. After the corn has been mined, it is brought to the crackers, who then dance the funky chicken. Their dance summons a UFO full of FNORDians. A ceremony is held where the corn miners offer the corn to the FNORDians, and the crackers protect the miners from being abducted and probed by the FNORDians through interpretive dance. Since interpretive dance is reserved for filthy hippies and pussies, the FNORDians usually abduct the miners, serve them alcohol, have wild orgys, then they stick a fake probe in, just for the hell of it. Sometimes, while the FNORDians are bored, they get some cows to include in the orgys. When the miners are returned they have amnesia, and often have 4.2 tons (72 liters if you're metric, 25 kilomitres if you're extra metric) of cracked corn. The FNORDians are very secretive about the process they use to create cracked corn, and no one has been able to figure out their methods yet, even with the collaboration of the world's top scientologists, including George Dubya Bush, Paris Hilton, and some stupid blonde. There are rumors that Bush's puppetmas- I mean Vice President, Dick Cheney, has plans to liberate the secret to corn cracking from the oppressive FNORDian regime by means of Chuck Norris, but this has not been confirmed. Some recent sightings by a hobo who had just finished huffing a kitten laced with cracked corn claim that Amelia Earhart is the FNORDian queen and that Elvis is ironically the royal love slave. The scientific community has responded by saying, "You can't make this shit up!" and the hobo has been awarded a Nobel Prize.
Crystal Cracked Corn
Crystal cracked corn (also called new cracked corn) was a clear powdered cracked corn developed by Julius Caesar. It was created in 42 B.C. to try to beat out cracked corn's main competition on the market, sugar. Sugar's supporters liked its sweet taste and its clear color, even though cracked corn is better in every other way. Caesar attempted to make his own cracked corn by squeezing raw corn into vats, creating high fructose corn syrup. Then he mixed the syrup with molten white chocolate and diamond dust. This created a sweeter cracked corn product, but Caesar forgot to taste test it. The product tasted horrible, and was thus a flop. Caesar didn't like the fact that people didn't like his product, so he divided Rome into 2 sections, the Sugar Highland (a small, tract of land, only 13 square miles (150 grams if you're metric, 3 litres for the extra metric)), and the Caesarian Section, which was 420 square miles (4846.15 grams, 96.92 litres). Those in the Sugar Highlands were only allowed to use sugar, while people in the Caesarian Section were only allowed to use new cracked corn. This resulted in Caesar losing all of his friends, including his best friends and killers, Brutus Lucius Malfoicus and Harrius Potterus Trumanus.
|Bender Cracked Corn (file info)|
|Listen to a mysterious mystic of the days of yore, |
sing his own version of the hymn.
(King Arthur tape recorded him singing this)