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“You must not find symbols in everything you see. It makes life impossible.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Prophecy

Prophecy is a method by which related sets of information can be gathered, analyzed, and compared in such a way that it becomes possible to see trends of the past and thus predict with great accuracy the market trends of the future.

This scientific method should not be confused with statistics, which is the result of fraudulent con-artist pretending to have some form of preternatural vision. Statistical analysts claim to reveal to the unlearned masses the nature of future events. Such poppycock is only successful in today's world because of of superstitious mental weaklings who believe in magic, occult powers, leprechauns, and Captain Marvel. Yeah, right... and the fucking boogedyman is living in your closet. No, really. A boogedyman is fucking in your closet right now.

Call 911 immediately.

Prophetic History[edit]

In 1875, a very obese William Howard Taft received a letter from one Leona Wilde, both second cousin and peyote-addicted mistress to Oscar Wilde. Therein it was revealed that, upon his death, McKinley would suffer a disastrous case of the crabs, and they would eat his genitals in their entirety. Not 3 days later, Taft would indeed die of a severe papercut on the third toe of his left foot, severing the phalange entirely.

Why the hell Leona chose to inform Taft of McKinley's death, as opposed to his own, is a mystery beyond comprehension, and not even Geraldo Rivera could solve such a puzzle.

Prophetic Methodologies[edit]

For a great many years, the worlds greatest thinkers, Aristotle, Descartes, Nostradamus, and Severus Snape would rely on arcane rituals to create all their postulates, and thus pose as educated men of greatness. Among the methods used by all 3 aforementioned individuals were:

  1. Boil the fat from a fresh baby human, and then have sex with a goat. Take heroin. Write down whatever you think of for the next 3 hours. (Note, that this was Severus Snape's preferred method. Aristotle, Nostradamus, and Descartes were known to find the method both mundane and smelly, after only one trial.
  2. Take the bones of a chicken, lay them out in the sun for 6 days, taking utmost care not to ever let the moon's light set upon them. Then, after burning the blood of 3 pigeons on an Iron Flat, throwing a mixture of a woodchuck's entrails with the chicken bones upon the blistering metal, and therein divine patterns of cosmic significance. Chug a bottle of Wormwood extract. Write down whatever you think of for the next 3 hours.
  3. A large pot must be left to boil over the fiery embers of an olive tree's wood. To this pot must be added hops, malt, barley, and brown and white sugars. The mixture will cook for only 1 or two minutes before a spoonfull of wheat flour and a small serving of apple cider are added, then taken off the heat. The mixture will age over a 2 week period, and then several gallons of the fluid must be drunk. Eat Nightshade. Write down whatever you think of for the next 3 hours.
  4. Take 4 bushels of apples. Crush them into a paste, and boil them down until you have a thickened syrup. Add water to the mixture to make a covering of fluid over the syrup, add 2 fresh crushed apples, and store the mixture in a dark cool place. When it stops foaming, find your mother, both of you should drink heavily of the eucharist, and flagrantly have sex with her in the room of your birth. Partake of a belladonna plant. Twice. Write down whatever you think of for the next 3 hours.
  5. Listen to modern music, and don't take your medication.

Famous Propehcies[edit]

  1. "The world will end in 2012" - Pretty much everybody on Facebook, 2011
  2. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - From Charles H Duell 1899
  3. "640K oughtta be enough for anything" - From William Gates, 1980
  4. "... it's going to be like a blowout election of 2004" - From Pat Robertson, 2004
  5. "I assure you that I am going to be the next president of the United States. - From Pat Robertson, 1988
  6. "HOLY SHIT Y2K is gonna screw up everything!!!" - Humanity, 1999
  7. "Fidel Castro will die - in the 90's" - Benny Hinn, 1989
  8. "My army will Crush the United States!" - Saddam Hussein, 2002
  9. "HA! I'm Invincible!" - Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, 2006
  10. "Ha! Germany is Invincible!" - Adolf Hitler, 1943
  11. "PWnz0r!" - Emperor Hirohito, 1941
  12. "I'm going to become a great actor when I grow up." Ben Stiller, 1972
  13. "I think people will think my T.V. Series is the greatest ever" Gene Roddenberry 1964

See also[edit]