Telepathy

Note: This article was dictated by the spirits through a ouija board.

Telepathy is the process by which someone can read the thoughts of other persons. For example, you are thinking of Charlie Brown. Well, you are now. This is another thing telepathy can do, it can transmit thoughts into the minds of others. According to X-Men comics, the use of telepathy causes a sort of wobbly purple halo to form around the head, though this has been disputed.

The term telepathy was first coined by psychic researcher Praho Fywiner in 1999, but pre-coined in the nineteenth century by researchers using precognition. The phenomenon has been in existence for longer than that, however, since the times of Eragon. But prior to being named in 1999, telepathy was referred to as "thought transference", "mental radio" or "bullshit".

Experiments

There are two ways to test for psychic powers. Firstly, have the subject's mental abilities been the focus of a TV special? If so, then the subject is indeed psychic.

The second way uses Zener cards. The tester makes a huge pile of these cards, shuffles them and looks through them one by one, while the testee tries to read the tester's mind. The testee traditionally sits behind the tester and promises not to peek.

Uses for telepathy

A telepath could be the world's greatest salesman, diplomat, poker player, politician, psychologist, cult leader, con man, supervillain, superhero or detective the world has ever known. Instead, they make their money from psychic hotlines and appearance fees on talk shows. The reason for this has to do with the World Telepath Association's ethical guidelines:

• Do not use your psychic powers for evil, unless your name begins with a z, or you are named after a mental illness (Dr. Psycho, Count Phobia, Professor Depression, etc).

• Do espouse an ill-defined, vaguely hippy-flavoured lovey dovey worldview, unless the Pentagon is hiring you, in which case talk up the possibility of assassinating Osama bin Laden with a dowsing rod.

• Do not read the mind of Burt Reynolds. He deserves better.

• Do not work for a living. What are you, stupid?

Limitations of telepathy

In spite of the vast powers that Jean Grey and Saturn Girl possess, they will never be as interesting as Wolverine and Brainiac 5, respectively.

See also

• Edward Cullen
• Telepaths under the bed