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Caution must be exercised during the phrenological examination to prevent irreversible damage.

Phrenology (from Greek: Íōmρ, lump and fφηδl!πg, fondling) is the science of determining character and personality traits from the shape of the head (fondling "lumps").


  • Phrenology was developed in secret by the Culinary Institute of America who used it for personality testing new recruits.
  • Phrenology was the most popular parlour game amongst dainty Victorian ladies in the 19th century. They would invite a phrenologist (normally male), to fondle their lumps and tell them what kind of ladies they were. Inevitably he would determine they were a bunch of naughty little minxes. The accuracy of this was astounding, but the intimacy of his touching the ladies' heads led to many a scandal in polite society. This increased phrenology's popularity by 10,000%.
  • Fraudulent Psychoanalysts have attempted to label Phrenology a pseudoscience.

How It Works[edit]

The Illuminati secrets of Phrenology, unveiled for the first time

The principles of Phrenology are that bits of the brain perform different mental faculties. Lumps in parts of the skull indicate a lumpy brain, and thus the individual's propensities in these areas.

Shapes Of The Head[edit]

  • Triangular: These people should eat more strawberries.
  • Banana-Shaped: These people are the most stupid. Most are born blond.
  • Round: People with round faces should choose angular frames that give definition to their faces.
  • Cuboid: These people are not frightened when warned that "heads will roll".

Phrenology Now (Things that go bump in the night)[edit]

If you feel someone feeling your head at night when you're sleeping, it's perhaps your mate checking out your lumps to see if you're loyal. However, if you feel someone poking around your head and you live alone, be very afraid: information is being collected about you, possibly by the Culinary Institute of America.


Women interested in finding out about more than their prospective partner's brain may be interested in phrenology's sister skill, phallology.

See Also[edit]