Homework
Homework is an unfortunately common species of work, closely related to schoolwork. It is the natural enemy of everyone who isn't a dork. It is commonly found at the bottom of pupils' bags, scrunched up alongside sweet wrappers, broken pencils and squished bananas. Despite this, homework is far from being an endangered species as teachers regularly produce more of it, and inflict it on innocent students. If the homework is not finished and given back to the teacher, the teacher gets very stressed and shouts a lot. In rare cases, teachers have been know to spontaneously combust for this reason, much to the delight of their students.
Homework's main purpose is so that the teacher can pretend to teach you without actually doing anything. Due to its time consuming nature, homework ensures that youngsters have no time for Facebook, posting Mudkips on the internet or have any variety of fun that evening. Homework is something that rarely ever gets done even after prowling the internet for hours looking for answers on your four page math worksheet. Slender is a better form of education for you younglings, especially those who aspire to be serial killers.
Homework is also used by the school to get a sample of your handwriting and fingerprints so that they can forge illegal documents. Chances are that if you are reading this, homework is what you are actually meant to be doing.
History[edit]
The word homework is derived from the Greek words hom and workos which literally translates as "death by torture". This is because Homework was invented as an evil form of torture during the Middle Ages. It was however decided to be too cruel for use after it caused the insanity of anyone who looked at it. So it was decided that Homework would be made a criminal offence, its only legal uses torturing criminals and occupying bunnies, so that they wouldn't have any time to plot human destruction. Homework was later used by Hitler as a form of punishment in the Holocaust, hence why he is one of the all time biggest war criminals. After World War II, homework was legalised so that it could be used on school children in an attempt at controlling them and transforming them into the subspecies of human known as the nerd. A few deluded people think homework is used to help the children learn, so that in the future they might make something of their lives. Of course the majority of people do not believe this, as homework is too evil to be beneficial. Specific details on homework are sparse, because those who engage in homework are much too busy doing it to explain it. However, some facts on homework can be pieced together from speculation and terrifying eyewitness accounts.
Overview[edit]
Stages of torture[edit]
The "Project"[edit]
Though homework is found on paper, which originates from trees, the text is written by a team of top military scientists specialising in alternative torture, and is specifically designed to induce sleep. In order to avoid a harsher punishment in the future, the victim must maintain consciousness throughout the entire ordeal.
The setting of the homework[edit]
The teacher of the class will announce that they are "setting" homework, at which there will be much groaning emitted by all pupils within earshot. The teacher then hands out the homework on sheets, and the pupils must put it in their bags to take home and complete. Failure to do so results in detention, another method of torture preferred by teachers.
Reading the homework[edit]
After obtaining the required amount of homework, the victim must carry it home and read it. The length of the text is directly proportional to how boring it is.
Scrawling words[edit]
After reading the homework, the victim is forced to scrawl words onto paper until his or her wrist is no longer capable of movement (a derivative of notetaking). At this point, the punishment is considered finished for at least five minutes, or until the wrist is sufficiently recovered to only hurt a great deal but still function. The amount of scrawling the victim must perform is generally inverse to the difficulty of determining what to write, but some particularly cruel teachers have been known to assign work which is both voluminous and overly complicated.
Other stages[edit]
Other stages may exist, depending on the particular torture method of the teacher. These may include cutting out construction paper, creating collages, or using Microsoft Powerpoint. Often, the other stages force the victims to evaluate their own work and correct any errors; this torture can cause normal kids to become emotionally unstable and, if the errors are not corrected, the torturer will force the victim to repeat the entire torture process.
Avoidance Techniques[edit]
The Dog Method[edit]
It is said that this form of torture may be avoided by feeding the homework to a pet, most often a dog. It is suggested that evidence of said consumption be provided to the teacher to prove that such an event in fact occurred. However, many teachers are aware of such tactics and may assign an even harsher punishment.
The Pikachu-Jumper cables-Anime Method[edit]
As a result, a new method of avoiding your daily torture has developed by Ash Ketchum and has proven to work 99% of the time. The method involves dousing your homework and other torture devices in petrol and giving them back to the torturer, while having a 30-9001 foot jumper cable attached to the homework and the other end attached to a Pikachu with the following move set:
- Thunderbolt
- Evil laugh attack
- identity change
- fuck attack (optional)
The pikachu uses thunderbolt and catches the torturer on fire. Whilst the victim is on fire the pikachu in sync with the owner uses the evil laugh attack, then changes their identity so that the police can't hunt them down. Then they will use the fuck attack which involves finding a hot, anime loving girl in the room, and making love to her. This part is optional in terms of teacher assassination, yet is used often anyway.
The Water Method[edit]
Much of the time, torturers are fully possessed by the demon causing them to assign Homework. The primary results of this transformation include, but are not limited to:
- Age
- Small horns on the head
- Extreme sass
- Peanut Allergies
- Extreme violent reactivity to large quantities of dihydrogen monoxide
The lattermost of these qualities is most notable and important. To effectively utilize this method, you will need to acquire a container of dihydrogen monoxide. This can be somawhat difficult, as it can burn through most metals with time. Plastic containers work well, but many teachers have banned them for this very reason. Once you have obtained this, bring it to the teacher's lair and pour it over its head. This will cause it to melt, resulting in a messy puddle of dihydrogen monoxide solution. DO NOT TOUCH this solution. After this, alert a janitor and click your heels together three times, which ought to take you home.
Homework Classification and Dichotomy[edit]
Labs[edit]
In this so-called "class" you must face occult rituals known as labs. These rituals usually involve the sacrificing of "students". Labs usually involve calling upon demonic forces and possessions, as well as the inherent risks created by burning acids and toxic fume inhalation. Students often pass the time by smashing up anything in the lab made of glass and pretending someone else did it. Often, the teachers are witches or warlocks set on using a torture method called science on the children or helping them prepare for Hogwarts.
Daily Homework[edit]
Daily homework is assigned daily and is designed for monotony, repetition, and slow torture. It comes in a few main varieties:
English Homework[edit]
English homework is by far the most numerous variety of daily homework. It is unique in that it often is entirely comprised of reading, necessitating no thought or comprehension whatsoever. When it is no comprised entirely of reading, it usually appears as a short passage, poem, speech, or other piece of literature followed by ten to thirty multiple choice questions, followed by two to five multiple choice questions, followed optionally by what those in the business like to call a 'finisher', called an 'essay' by those subjected to them.
Multiple choice questions[edit]
Multiple choice questions are usually deployed in very large numbers, in an attempt to overwhelm students with their sheer size and intimidating appearance. They usually appear in one of a few formats:
- "As used in lines X-Y, what does the word ZZZZZ most closely mean?" followed by several words synonymous with ZZZZZ, one of which makes sense in the context of lines X-Y
- "Below is a definition of ZZZZZ." followed by several dictionary-esque definitions of ZZZZZZ. "Which definition most closely matches how ZZZZZ is used in lines X-Y?"
- "Given the context of paragraph A (lines X-Y), what does ZZZZZZ most closely mean?" followed by multiple definitions of ZZZZZ, one of which makes sense in context.
- etc.
Short answer questions[edit]
Short answer questions are designed to strike a middle ground between number and length. They are often used immediately after multiple choice questions, to appear as numerous while maintaining their formidable time requirement. Usually, they require responses in a format, called "The golden response", by some, to be considered completed: 1. A short sentence must be used for introduction, usually requiring a word-for-word rephrasing of the question and a brief explanation of its purpose. 2. A Short piece of the provided passage, enclosed in quotation marks "" and properly cited. 3. An in-depth explanation of exactly what this piece means and why it helps develop the argument described for you 4. repetition of steps two and three, sometimes twice 5. A closing statement that's structurally identical to the intro from step one, but feels nicer at the end.
Essay[edit]
Essays are long, drawn-out assignments designed to single-handedly double the length of any homework assignment. structurally, they are identical to Short answer questions, except anywhere you would normally write a sentence, you must write a paragraph.
History Homework[edit]
History homework is a specific type of homework that tends to be longer and more arduous. It is often necessary for its completion that history homework be given alongside a series of textbooks relating to the topic. Rather than causing hunchbackedness, people simply drop history homework, often crushing toes and creating bottomless pits due to its sheer weight. Once the teacher finds out that the history homework has not been completed, all hell breaks loose. The trauma of this is actually how 99% of nerds are created.
Believe it or not, this variety of homework is still done today. Homework is assigned regularly but when assigned, none of the teenage humans in the room ever bother to do it except from the previously mentioned nerds. If you ever get the opportunity to sneak into their natural habitat (AKA bedroom) you will most likely find them watching pornography, or doing extra homework. This terrifies all who witness it.
Maths Homework[edit]
Maths, or 'math', the most painful subject at school, is often given to some of the more retarded and idiotic children for extra punishment. Some mentally challenged children whom many call Nerds will often ask for extra maths homework, thus a whole pack of normal students suffer for a fortnight. Overdoing maths homework usually results in suicide, penis removal or transformation into a nerd. Some prisoners are fed maths homework as a form of punishment for not doing their homework which was in fact about Maths. They are then unable to complete the punishment, so the circle goes round. And round. And round.
Spelling Homework[edit]
Speeling hoomwork ys yuzhully givin owt two theh childrin hoo fine sbelyng haird nown ihn theh skool. Speling hoamwouck iz theh eeziarst buht iff tha chiled cann't reed, thenn itt's ay lawng, lawng storie. nermaly,spling homwirk s gvn too tha cids hoo arn't vary old, aproximetley for or feyv.
P.E. Homework[edit]
This type of homework is not that common and is also known as "The Cardey". It is given by hypocritical teachers who try to teach you to be healthy, and yet are ten times fatter than you. This kind of homework is normally used because the teacher thinks that he/she is teaching English but actually it's P.E. The result is that this confused teacher gives you an essay to write about how you can improve your fitness in P.E. This kind of torture first started in the 1200s. Though one solution is to slap the shit out of your teacher, shouting loudly that this is P.E. not English, this is not recommended, as the teacher, if one of the rare, actually fit ones, will beat you up, or if they are a more common fatter one, they will simply sit on you, resulting in your suffocation.
Schoolwork[edit]
Homework has evolved from schoolwork, although some fundamentalist fanatical Muslims believe that homework was simply created through the magical powers of teachers. Schoolwork is a variety of work that is handed to a student during school, and words are supposed to be scrawled during school, but due to unfair detentions, Teletubbies, gas chambers, Metallica fans, and Russian goldfish, this schoolwork is often sent home with the student, hence the theory of evolution. By this stage, the schoolwork is fully fledged homework. Eyewitnesses claim that this schoolwork adds to the pile of homework the student is already carrying home, and that this often leads to the contraction of Super AIDS, or listening to emo music. Both of these things usually cause death, hence why there are cemeteries in most schools.
Projects[edit]
Considered the 'Boss Level' of all homeworks, this normally takes weeks to complete. It may be set just before a holiday (see above), which it usually is. This takes the relaxing and enjoyable parts out of the holiday, leaving only pure stress for the student. Not completing the project usually results in humiliation in front of your fellow classmates, as well as an 'F' grade from the teacher.
Conclusion[edit]
Why do 'teachers' give homework?[edit]
No one yet fully understands why homework is given to the students. Some, such as the Nerd species previously mentioned, think it's for their own good. Others think it's an attempt to brainwash us all into retarded geeks. However, in a scientific breakthrough, a new theory has emerged that the reason the teachers/torturers set homework is that they like to see the children suffering and trying to commit suicide by eating lead. We recommend that's the option you believe.
Early Forms of Writing[edit]
Homework was originally carved into stone tablets before the invention of paper. Students would have to carry around numerous tablets to finish their homework and that's where hunchbacks came from. After constant carving, some became artists; others lost the function of their hands. Today the equivalent of a stone tablet is the textbook. Textbooks are also known by the slang name "bricks".
Breaks[edit]
Occasionally, the torturers temporarily regain sanity and let the students go home to their grieving parents. This is known as a weekend, break, half-term or holiday. However, many torturers are permanently past the point of recovery, and will set extra to be completed during this free time.
Videogame[edit]
The developer of Destroy All Humans! found that most kids hate homework. Deciding to get some pocket change for sweets, he organized a team and is currently making Destroy All Homeworks! and then soon to be followed Destroy All Teachers!. They will be released next year. Huzzah!
