HowTo:Write a Paper

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Disclaimer

Paper writing is extremely dangerous and should only be done by absolute professionals or, if it is needed, used as a last resort to survive intense torture. Side effects may include nausea, dizziness, headache, and the utter oblitheration of your soul. If writing takes longer than four hours, call a doctor because this might be a sign of a serious reaction.

Step by Step Instructions

1. Write first sentence
2. Decide the first sentence sounds awkward. To resolve this, replace unimportant words with synonyms. ie. 'since' changes to 'because'.
3. Realise that your revised sentence sounds better but the meaning has changed subtly. Spend 5 to 10 minutes debating whether this trade off is worth while.
4. Lose focus and begin to ponder the world's big questions: What is the meaning of life? Why does the universe exist? And what is the nature of consciousness? Important: Skip this step if your paper pertains to philosophy in any way. Continue until your butt falls asleep.
5. Pace around the room until feeling returns to your upper leg.
6. Sit back down. Remember that you still haven't decided between 'since' and 'because' so resume thinking for 5 minutes.
7. Realise you're hungry and can't possibly do any more work without some Doritos.
8. Realise the Doritos made you thirsty and get a soda.
9. Absently sip soda while weighing 'since' against 'because'. Continue thinking until the soda makes you have to pee.
10. Go pee. Important: wash your hands afterwards!
11. Wonder about 'since' and 'because' for 10 more minutes
12. Decide you don't friggin' care about 'since' and 'because' anymore! The sentence sounds awful either way so you might as well just resign yourself to failure.
13. Write second sentence. Repeat steps 2-13 as needed.
14. Now throw the paper in the trash can.

Now what?

So you've finished your paper without going bat fuck insane (or at least maintained enough brain power keep reading). Congratulations! Now, you probably just want to hand it in and put this whole ordeal behind you. However, you have one more task ahead of you. Teachers are notoriously lazy and forgetful so your ungraded paper may be lost forever to the bowels of a dust ridden filing cabinet. The only solution is to give your teacher a gentle reminder to do their grading.

You can start within the first 45 minutes to one hour after turning in your work. From then on, be sure to stop your teacher and say "Do you have our papers yet?" every time you see him/her. Not only will this remind them to do their darn job already, but it shows that you really care about your work. How can they not give you an A, knowing it's that important to you? In the event you do get a B it's because your teacher is evil and needs to be destroyed

...or maybe it was that first sentence. C'mon you know you should've used the word 'because'.