HowTo:Write a paper

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How to write a paper[edit]

Writing an paper can be tricky at times, but there is an art to the slacker ways. This article will show you how to answer every type of essay question you can think of, which some, douche don't have to know anything and still get it right! The most important thing to remember is AVOID THE QUESTION AND FILL UP SPACE.

Avoiding the question[edit]

Try to avoid what the question is actually asking you to do, this way if your teacher says its wrong, ask her what part of it. An example:

Q.: How was Max able to persuade Jim? Why?
A.: Max persuaded Jim by using his persuasive powers. He did this to have his way. That way, you have to actually know the answer and be just a normal stupid person like the rest of us, but with good grades. Getting good grades is important so you can go to college and do easy chicks.

Filling up space[edit]

See how much less we needed to write for this section?

Now, filling up space is an easy thing to do actually, and it will also improve your score. Try to write about nothing, like add non important details. One of the best filler-uppers is when it comes to a point when you are answering a question or writing a story, that you mention a game that is not usually played. For instance you are writing and suddenly you mention that you were playing handball. Then you can make a detailed list of the rules and procedures of motion in that particular game. Another way to fill up space is to write extremely big or have too large spaces between words, letters, and paragraphs.

Another way to fill up space, and the more commonly used one, is make up a bunch of random crap. For instance, when writing a paper about the effect of Confucian philosophy on modern society, you could get into a discussion about the inner morals of man and the nature of war and other types of useless crap.

When you need a maximum of 400 words or a 2 page paper to write on the computer, here are some good tips:

Maximum "400" words or more[edit]

A well known optical illusion is is to write something twice in hopes that no one notices. Do this with small words such as the, and, is, are, but, etc. Try to to add them at the end of of the paragraph so that the second one begins in a new new line. This is a convenient way of adding those extra 10 or 20 words you need (If you haven't noticed a few of the several "double words", then this method is proven). Another one is to use several small words to describe something rather than fewer large words. For example: The man was gigantic! compared to The man was really big!. You just added another word to your sentence, and if used enough, you could fill up 20% more of your goal.

Maximum "2" pages or more[edit]

There are a couple of easy tricks to accomplish this.

  • Double  space after  every other  word so  that it  doesn't look  too obvious. CAUTION: Use sparingly and only when needed
  • Create a big title and then press enter three or four times until you write your first paragraph
  • Create a header with your name, date, and class in the top right corner (and if you would like, press enter a few times before your title)

Making up statistics[edit]

Did you you know that one in four people have Down Syndrome? This is just one of millions of crack-induced, serious-sounding, and utterly failing to have anything true about it type statistics that enrich our essays today. To make one of these try taking something totally obvious, like the earth is 87% female, and make it totally ridiculous, like, Did you know that 50% of all humans are actually male? Or 99% of people will die at one or more times in their lifetimes. These add to the seriousness of the paper and will also make you look smarter. Whatever you do, do NOT include true facts in your paper like the ones listed below:

  • Did you know that the English alphabet contains more letters than there are species of fish?
  • The average bubble weighs just under 300 pounds
  • 387,898,698 is the most commonly used number by anyone since 1981
  • 85% of monkeys cannot speak English
  • Christians make up 175% of the world population
  • 3% of corn farmers are male

Remember, your aim here is to make up as many statistics as possible. This ensures you will receive an F, the highest mark you can receive in today's grading system.

Types of questions[edit]

One important thing about paper writing, is you have to understand what type of question or assignment you have. You can do this using the trusted formula of :

  • Whom?
  • What?
  • When?
  • Where?
  • Why?
  • Will someone have already written a reliable answer on tinternet?
  • How (can I rewrite it so my answer gets past plagiarism detection software)?


Now, the question why is commonly not the first question, though about 20% of the time it is. Most times it will ask an easy question (who stole this?), then you have to explain it (why did he steal it?). Since most teachers are at least half-retarded, you have to spell out the answer, like so:

Q.: Why did the joker kill the king?
A.: The joker killed the king to make the money. He needed the money badly because he was homosexual and needed treatment for AIDS.

Where, whom[edit]

The question where and whom are the easiest of all question, because all you have to do is state one person, or place (Where is the setting? The setting is in blah blah blabhblblahhhh). Therefore it is always worth less points, so you can deliberately put an Autism-infested answer. Like, who invented the Internet? Al Gore.


This question is usually the same as where and whom but you have to describe the answer. For instance, when the question asks, what attacked the campsite, you can say: The thing that attacked the campsite was extremely big, yet unbelievably quiet. I assume, that because of these observations, that the thing that attacked the campsite was Fat Albert. WE WARNED YOU!!! Right we did. Well here's the disclaimer:

Bird hand.png The reader cannot sue or press charges on the author for any damages to the reader in anyway caused by Fat Albert feasting.
Signed, Englishman767 22:12, 9 March 2007 (UTC)The Big Asshole


This question is a pretty stupid question. Who the hell wants to know how? I mean knowing how to do something is so stupid. I mean someones probably stupid enough to make a "HowTo:" article on Uncyclopedia right? Anyways, this question is the direct result of triple dipping your LSD. Yeah. Shrooms are bad. Just go through the processes of what it is the person did. Yeah.


This question sucks. It's not really a question. I mean you can't go up to someone and say About? Well the thing with this question is really to fill up space and use other answer writing tips you were showed. You paid attention right? Never mind.

Making yourself look smart[edit]

A guy who just looks smart.

The idea is to play on the teacher's sense of pride: you just say something so hard to understand that the teacher doesn't know what you're talking about, but is too embarrassed to say "I don't get it". So be obscure and make a lot of references to things nobody gets. Like Relativity or A Brief History of Time—those guys probably just made it all up anyway.

If you are answering a math question, then it is always cool to use variables to make it all......smarty. For instance:

Q.: If you add 10% and subtract 10% do you have the number you started with?

Explanation? You could say "yes" or "no", but that would only be smart. You might think 100+100*.1=110-110*.1=99 would be smarter, but to answer with variables rather than using numbers is smarterer. And even smarterest is using math fonts in big complex equations like .

A formidable math equation.

Now, of course there are other ways of making yourself seem smarter than you actually BIG OR STRANGE WORDS. Here are some synonyms to everyday words:

abominable, atrocious, deficient, dis-satisfactory, egregious, erroneous, fallacious, and substandard
congenial, recherché
adept, astute, impertinent, and shrewd
a lot
deluge, excess, plethora, profusion, superabundance, superfluity, surfeit, surplus

Now, a good way that fills up space as well is to use diagrams or graphs to make yourself look smart. Loooooook at that. Wowee. That a crazy crazy graph. The equation is

Diagrams are the shit man! They fill up a plethora of space, and they look cool. If the teacher looks at yours, and another person's, and they're the same but yours has diagrams, YOU WIN.

Another way to look smart[edit]

Use insane old grammar. It works, every time. I mean, doesn't this sound smart? You would get a good grade:


Helpful links[edit]