World War II: The Movie
|World War II|
| Poland ( The Allied Boss, and as any boss just use the mind... (see the section Poland's Role ).
Britain (Hid behind the English Channel).
Netherlands (Became a German scapegoat for an direct attack on the French so called "impregnable" Maginot Line)
Jeremy Clarkson ON A TANK!!!
|The Third Reich (wanted to steal polish beer ended up making a huge cock up of things in Europe) |
Japan (wanted to visit the Pacific, was tired of those damn Yankees)
|The majority of the resources and population of the planet
Several atomic bombs
Mostly competent leaders
|Some pretty cool tanks|
Crazy and/or incompetent and/or delusional leaders
"Germany is back, and this time it's personal."
World War II was a war movie first released in 1939, to cinemas all over the world. The movie is a spiritual successor to indie filmmaker Gavrilo Princip's debut sleeper hit, World War I. It proved to be popular among audiences and critics alike, though many were turned off by its long running time of 6 years. Despite its popularity, the film has come under fire for its heavy focus on potatoes and explicit violence. Production was continously halted by the death of nearly 72,000,000 extras, plus the stars Franklin Roosevelt and Adolf Hitler. Some were also left wondering WTF they just watched, as they got confused by the long and winding plot.
The film's primary antagonist Adolf Hitler, has been
Heiled hailed as one of the most emotionally complex and sexiest villains ever created. Time Magazine named him #1 on their Sexiest Villains Alive chart, but forgot he had died two months ago. His motives for declaring war on the rest of the world were left secret by the film's creators. Many people have come up with differing theories on why Hitler did so. One of the most widely accepted accounts agree that Hitler was enraged over the poor quality of bagels and lox in Germany. He then blamed all Jews worldwide for being unable to properly manage their own cuisine, and insisted they be eliminated.
Unfortunately, World War II was a massive failure, recouping none of its $1.5 trillion dollar budget. That'll happen when you offer free showings and forget you actually need to earn money.
The ending of the previous film, World War 1, was negatively received by numerous people, particularly the Germans and Ottomans. In addition, critics said that the producers should elaborate more on the plot twist involving Russia being seized by so-called "Communists," and that the storyline was far too dark, with too much moral ambiguity. The trench warfare sequences also received harsh criticism as "repetitive", "boring", and "lacking any bloody imagination whatsoever." Some parts of the previous film, however, were beloved by many. The so called "tanks", only shown later in the film, left people waiting for more. The sheer novelty of doing something other than standing in lines and shooting left European audiences on the edges of their seats, and sorely disappointed when tanks did not feature more prominently. Another beloved segment of the first film was the aerial combat, with critics raving of "thrilling, engaging sequences", and "characters we can connect with".
Based on events in the 1930s, notably the economic downturns leading to everyone being poor as hell, people increasingly began to think the producer of the film, History Inc. was planning a spiritual successor series to address those complaints... (And make some petty change)
The movie takes this immense historical event and chop it up into nice, bite-sized episodes.
Episode I: The Italian Menace
The Second World War was started due to Hitler's ever growing hate for Adam Sandler. Adam, being Jewish, was a very big influence in Germany and a one-time porn mate of Adolf, decided to move to America. To blow off some steam, Hitler decided to take a walk into Poland with a few 100,000 troops. The Polish got fucked. Hitler, loving the pleasure of more slaves, decided to do the same to the French.
In 1918, the winners of World War I, decided that Germany would be paying for their round of drinks and mindless slaughter, and so has been left skint.
However, something is rotten in the state of Denmark... I mean Italy. Europe's Boot came out of the war in a complete mess. Looking at the situation, a fat man named Benito Mussolini rises up. He and his men go around, beat the crap out of anyone who disagrees with his domestic policy, and eventually seize power. Mussolini, or El Prezidente as he was now known, doesn't do much aside from print bad propaganda posters, but he lays out the groundwork and legitimacy for Fascism. He also gives a certain Adolf Hitler - then a nobody in the Weimar Republic - ideas.
Meanwhile, in 1929, Wall Street is shocked to hear that money, in fact, does not grow on trees as their botanists had reassured them. The resulting Great Depression smashes down on the financial world, reducing stock traders to stock clerks. However, it was even worse in Germany. They had already been suffering from hyperinflation so bad that their money was more valuable as stove fuel than as money.
Now, in 1933, a certain big bad-ass steps up in Germany, promising to solve their problems by killing Jews! Then he whipped his whip out right there and then! He won 78% of the vote. But Hitler being too lazy right now didn't start killing them until 1942.
Episode II: Attack of the Asians
The year is 1939. In a move to secure its place as a superpower, Japan has raped the Manchurian province of China and reinforced the point by brutally slaughtering Jews and sending a select few to work as spies in popular investment banks. The world, however, is busy elsewhere, and continues to be, so the Imperial Japanese forces repeat the same processes on every single island in the Pacific. Along the way, they invent the first-generation Toyota Corolla by forcing Australian POW's to weave pieces of bamboo together and attach it to a set of four tennis balls.
Meanwhile, in Europe, the previously mentioned angry Austrian Adolf Hitler seizes control of Germany and declares everyone else inferior to his German-ness. Building a massive army to execute his vision of a super party with only the super race invited, or world domination, he seizes Austria. France, thinking that the Maginot Line was perfect, hands him Czechoslovakia as a free sample. With this, Hitler allies himself with his long-time enemy Joseph Stalin of the Soviet Union and sets his sights on Antarctica and Canada, with the assumption that the territories captured can be used for the leisure of all Aryans. Skiing and sledding were always very important to Hitler.
As Germany invaded France, the French bravely tried to defend their homeland. Except they forgot they had to go on a picnic, and surrendered so that they could make it in time. They got their asses kicked (disregarding the South of the country which bravely went over to the other side and fought for Germany and bravely delivered many of it's Jews to the concentration camps). The rest of the French empire followed Vichy's brave example and capitulated. Meanwhile, Britain, having had its ass kicked at Dunkirk, and noting the fact that it was the last fucking democracy left in Europe, began camping like a COD:MW2 N00B. But one must never forget those brave French men who fought for their motherland in the second world war whilst the English hid behind the English channel and the Americans slept in late. Again.
Episode IV: A New Team
At this dark point in the timeline, the head of the Nazi's Luftwaffe, an obese morphine addict named Herman Goering begins to chuck fighters and bombers at Britain to smash their puny aeoroplanes. He has estimated that England would be crushed in days, but to his surprise, the RAF fighterplanes make it clear they will not comply with such a short deadline and beat the Luftwaffe back.
Frustrated with this defeat, Adolf Hitler does what any logical Aryan would have done: He invades his "ally" Russia. At first, the attack goes well. Stalin had killed most of his more competent officers in a fit of rage known as the "great purge." The Russian army in 1941 and 42 were like the Imperial Guard: They had plenty of soldiers but not enough equipment. However, as the Russians begin to retreat less often and the snow begins to fall more often, it occurs to the Germans that they left all of the warm coats in Hamburg.
Meanwhile, Japan, irritated by the evil eye America is giving it, finally snaps. In what is one of the worst strategic defeats for the Axis Powers ever, the God Emperor bombs Pearl Harbor, destroying both the port and America's desire to remain out of the war.
So, the rather pissed off Stalin and Roosevelt go up to Churchill and propose that they should gang up and beat the snot out of those Hitler and Hirohito punks. Churchill likes the idea, and so the grand Alliance is formed in the name of freedom, democracy, and/or totalitarian communism.
Between Russia and America, it takes the Axis some time before they realized what the fuck they had done.
Episode V: The Nazis (try to) Strike Back!
Cut to 1942-43. Things are not going so well for the Axis: The Africa Corps had by then become the Africa Corpses, those stupid Commies had stopped the German attack, and a group of American dive bombers attacked the main Japanese battlefleet right as the slant-eyes were hauling around explosive fuel tanks and ammo crates to refuel and resupply their fighters. Italy, seeing where this is going, tells Mussolini to fuck off and defects to the Allies, who kill him and hang him upside down in the street.
While Hitler is preoccupied with the Ruskies to the East, the Western Allies do a dirty sneak-attack and land a whole bunch of boats on the French coast while Germany isn't looking. This is also aided by the fact that Hitler had decided to sleep in late that day, and some Germans believe it's a fake. At this point, it dawns on some of the less unreasonable Nazis that Hitler is in fact batshit insane, and they unsuccessfully try to kill him via a bomb. Hitler responds by successfully trying to kill them via piano wire strangulation.
Meanwhile, the Japanese come up with a brilliant strategy for fighting the American pigdogs: Shout Banzaii!!!! and charge straight into the American machine-gun fire. While it leaves some stuff to be desired in effectiveness, it does an excellent job at "saving face," so the Japanese decide to make this brilliant new plan a standard tactic throughout their Empire. Needless to say, the war tips further in favor of the Americans.
Episode VI: Return of the Bomber
By now, things are REALLY not going well for the Axis: Their not-so-presentable death camps have been exposed, most of the land they took over has been liberated, and their leaders hadn't even gotten around to making badass supervillain capes for themselves.
As Stalin's steely soldiers storm the streets of Berlin, it finally occurs to Hitler that he is, in fact, not winning the war. Shocked and devastated by this revelation, Hitler orders one last batch of Jews to be killed, rapes his dog, and blows his diabolical brains out right as a Red Army soldier knocks on his bunker's door.
On the other side of the world, six U.S. Marines raise a surrender flag, but they accidentally use an American flag when they were looking for a French flag. and of course a lot of Japanese soldiers on shoot themselves in a final bid to win the war. Of course for an unknown reason there plan is hindered when all there soldiers mysteriously start dying.
Meanwhile Roosevelt quietly checks on the progress of a group of scrawny nerds banging hammers against an odd device and asks about "Manhattan." The nerds tell him that the project is on track, and the US won't have to invade the mainland and get murdered by the die-hard fanatics who literally worship their head of state. Satisfied, because he didn't know how to force the Americans into Japan anyway, Roosevelt rolls his wheelchair out of the room and suffers a massive heart attack.
As everyone mourns the "World's Favorite Cripple," a new guy named Truman assumes office. Truman takes the "devices," from the nerds mentioned earlier, gets into a bomber, and drops the funny looking gizmo over the Japanese city of Hiroshima. The locals are puzzled and ask Truman what the strange device is. Truman explains he prefers to show, not tell people things, and right at that instant, the gizmo activates and incinerates Hiroshima.
Truman then decides to call this gizmo an "atom bomb," and then drops another one on Nagasaki just for giggles.
And so, the Allies win the war, and the Axis... well..... lose the war. The Allied nations all get drunk to celebrate, put several Axis leaders on trial, and then go back to arguing amongst themselves, just like in the good ole' days.
There have been rumors of a new seventh episode with a plot that involves the rebuilding of the Nazi Empire, but it has been unconfirmed. However, there are TONS of bootleg copies right now, so just download one on Netflix or something.
Godzilla's role in World War Two
Godzilla had an influential role in the attacks led by Japan. Since he was already employed as an actor by the film business in Japan, he decided to take the government's role as the giant lizard that the Japanese army didn't need, want, or respect.
Godzilla was involved largely in the battles of Iwo Jima and Okinawa. It wasn't until in 1945, with the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, that Godzilla realized that he was fighting on the wrong side of the war, a realization similar to the one Mussolini experienced. He instead began his attacks on Japan to help out the failing American monster movie industry. He continued his insane, fire breathing attacks on Tokyo until King Kong attacked him, and they had a great battle. No written texts survive of this event, as those weeb fags in Japan were probably too busy making anime, now that they had realized the war was already lost. All that is known conclusively is that neither survived.
Godzilla's involvement at all in the war was very poorly received by critics, but universally loved by the public. Rotten Onions said on the matter: "I really feel that the Japanese would never involve themselves with such an unlovable character, and Godzilla's exposition and motives seem really contrived". However, a moviegoer commented: "OMG my god teh expl0sions kewl !1!111one!!".
World War II opened to mixed to negative reviews, with critics denouncing its' running time (one critic lamented she thought it would be over in 4 months), excessive violence and the cameo of Sylvester Stallone as Rambo. On Decomposing Bananas, the film holds a 19% approval rating.
Others were skeptical of the Rape of Nanking because of the extreme difficulty of consensual fornication with a city, much less the fact that the decapitation of all locals is not typically a part of intercourse. The city of Nanking even responded with a statement that spellcheck does not recognize its name, and therefore they does not exist, after which it proceeded to prove itself correct by vaporizing a moment later.
Six million Jews and other Europeans found the movie so inhumane they buried themselves in mass graves. When some researchers went to Poland to investigate the possibility of its residents being killed indiscriminately, they found that the country had been uninhabited since 1945.
Other sequences, such as the Battle of Stalingrad, seemed to be blatant fakes. Because of severe budget cuts, Russian actors had to steal prop rifles, often onscreen, from other soldiers who were pretending to be dead, while some stole rifles from troops who were shooting at the enemy. Many also questioned the possibility of unsheltered soldiers freezing to death in Russia during one of the worst winters ever recorded, declaring this to be totally not feasible at all. Likewise, German critics felt the first part of the D-Day sequence was "a poor hoax".
Russian reviewers were insulted since it depicted the Russian army as a sober fighting force, when in reality, they were drunker than an Australian after 4 hours at a pub. Negative criticism was pointed at how Russians had 1 rifle per 10 people, whilst in reality it was 1 per 50.
According to critics, the war with the Japanese was just an excuse to film some jungle scenes, and the entire Pacific plotline was called a "convoluted mess" because, with twelve billion islands, there were simply too many to keep track of. Some islands seemed to even have been made-up, like Midway, Guadalcanal, the Philippines, and Hawaii. To more criticism, the portrayal of the Enola Gay seemed to imply that the U.S. was a bunch of fruity homosexuals about to make Japan its bitch. Although that did, in fact, happen twelve seconds later, critics retaliated by saying that "Enola" backwards is "alonE", and solitary sex is of course gay, or at least never bisexual.
French reviewers stormed out through the beginning of the film during the scene where it is revealed French Tanks had 16 gears in reverse, and the fact that French uniforms were white, guns white, tanks white, which also faced criticism from some Black reviewers. In response to another scene depicting the whole French army trying to escape into Britain's vagina, 25 French viewers shot themselves in the temple.
More criticism arose over the Allies' attitude towards the Jews throughout the movie. Many found it silly that the Allies formed blockades around their countries to prevent Jews from entering, and shipped the Jews who were already in their country to Germany. Some found it more ridiculous that Allied bombing raids on the Nazi death camps always seemed to miss the crematoriums in favor of an unsuspecting Jew, or, more often, an entire Jewish bunkhouse, which were typically miles away from any other part of the camp. To add on to confusion as to which side the Allies were really on, they awarded the entire land of Palestine to the ten remaining Jews and kicked out all the Palestinians. The Palestinians then declared eternal Holy War against the Jews and started to bomb them. Arabs, however, found it totally absurd and absolutely unheard of that any of them would declare a Holy War against anything and then begin blowing themselves up. In protest of this representation, they declared a Jihad against Hollywood and began exploding themselves in random movie theaters.
Spielberg responded to all this criticism by criticizing it, which soon brought the criticizers retaliating with even more criticism of the criticism of their criticism. Before long, the entire argument became a huge, incoherent mess akin to the movie.
In accordance with all this criticism, the movie was given six out of five stars, two thumbs and the big toe of Roger Ebert, and swept the Oscars, Emmys, Pulitzers, and even won a Nobel Peace Prize for setting an example for many aspiring peace activists such as Pol Pot and Slobodan Milosevic, and ensuring that such inhumanities would never recur.
- Battle of Normandy
- Woodrow Wilson (responsible for single-handedly causing the movie)
- Adolf Hitler
- Benito Mussolini
- The North American War
- U-boats in 1941