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“It’s sad that there are too many ladies and there just are not enough gentlemen.”

~ Oscar Wilde on fucking

Fucking is a small settlement in Austria named after the medieval scholar Henrich Fucking. The village of Fucking, as opposed to the act thereof, has held its name since at least 1070. Other than its name, the village is pretty fucking unremarkable. What follows is an attempt to make it sound interesting.

The Fucking sign getting stolen[edit]

“We should invade this country, kill their leaders, and convert their town names to something more decent and Christian.”

~ Ann Coulter

The in-fucking-famous sign.

Fucking's most famous feature is a traffic sign which displays the town's name both proudly and seriously. Many English-speaking tourists can’t resist having their photographs taken fucking standing beside the notable sign. It was often stolen by fuckheads from English-speaking countries, and significant public funds were spent on replacing stolen signs.

It is pronounced "fooking". Who cares? I prefer fucking.

Spoilsports from that town had the sign embedded in a cunt. No! That wouldn’t be spoilsportish. They had the sign embedded in concrete. Determined thieves still manage to remove that Fucking sign from time to time.

In a fiscal report of 2003 (the last year for which figures are available), the town made €32,981 in photo fees - remarkable because the town only charges €2.00 per photo. However, the town spent €48,250 to replace stolen Fucking signs. A campaign, "Fuck off, English dickheads", failed to address the problem.

In 2004, because of the theft and the embarrassment over the name, a vote was held on changing the name, but the town's residents voted against this act. This vote was inappropriately reported in an English tabloid as "Austrians vote to keep Fucking."

Fucking - fun for the whole family[edit]

“Excuse me, could you tell me where the Fucking church is?”

~ A newly arrived priest questioning a local resident

Fucking: Please not so fast! No, this is not a made up sign

Fucking hell, there's a fucking place called Fucking, what the fuck? Hong Lee Fuckface (Hans Fuckface), a long-time resident of Fucking, and a devil in the fucking sack, reports:

  • We had a vote last year on whether to rename the town, but decided to keep it as it fucking well is. After all, Fucking has existed for 800 years, and the other kind of fucking (as in sex, you dick head) has existed for longer. You fucking English people like a joke, no? well fuck you!

More fucking philosophically, he muses like the fuck that he is:

  • Fucking has been here for so long that it would be a shame to consign it to the past. The popularity of Fucking has often left Fucking shopkeepers in an embarrassing position: 'Yet still there is this obsession with Fucking. Just this morning I had to tell an English lady who stopped by that there were no Fucking postcards.'

Fucking guide Andreas Behmuller said that each nationality had its own priority when visiting Austria.

  • The fucking Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg. Fucking Italians and Russians always celebrate a Fucking New Year here. Every American seems to care only about The Fucking Sound of Music (filmed around Salzburg in 1965). The occasional Fucking Japanese wants to see Hitler's birthplace in Braunau, which is a Fucking piece of shit, by the way !. But for the British, it's all about Fucking, just like ya mum.

Fucking Administration[edit]

“And im Freeeee , Free fuckin' I vote the sign is free for the taking”

~ Tom Petty on fucking

Oyster card: Not used in fucking

On the theft of the Fucking sign, the Fucking Mayor says:

  • What they are, I am not at liberty to disclose, but we will not stand for the Fucking signs being removed. It may be very amusing for you British, but Fucking is simply Fucking to us. What is this big Fucking joke? It is puerile.

As an example, he points to the article on Uncyclopedia. Recently several residents have taken issue with the administration. One resident reports:

  • I've had enough of the administration. It's rife with corruption and debauchery; it's fucking useless.

Sex scandals have undermined the administration's attempts at presenting a clean image.

Fucking in English[edit]

In the English Language, Fucking is heavily used particularly as a form of greeting. In fact when someone uses such a word when greeting you, it can only happen if he or she is truly close to you and has grown to trust you enough to say such a word. It is also considered as the most famous 4-letter word you can mention when asked for a good reference by your kids or their class teacher.

Phun Phucking Phacts[edit]

  • Although it is possible for two people to fuck, we all know you aren't going to do that anytime soon.
  • Your parents fuck sometimes, but only in the butt
  • You can't get pregnant from fucking, but it's fun to try anyway
  • Fucking is the number-one cure for virginity and other sexual illnesses; such as Lack of Fucking, Fuckless, Unfucked, Underfucked etc. but not for illnesses such as Overfucked, Sluttitus or just sluttiness
  • Fuck is used most frequently in life-threatening situations
  • People are not sure if the word fuck is only in the Bible twice or two-hundred times, depending on whether it is the King James Version.
  • Fuck is an excellent word to use when speaking to your mother, father, sister, teacher, principal, boss, religious leader, your wife, your girlfriend, your best friend, your normal friend, acquaintances, Donald Trump, and other random people