New Zealand

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Soviet Kiwistan
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Flag of New Zealand.png Nz coat arms.gif
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "We're kinda like Australians, but at least U.S.A. don't think we're hicks."
Anthem: "Lord of the Rings Theme"
The huge wall built around New Zealand extends many miles into the Pacific Ocean and Tasman Sea. It was built in 1905 to deter the threat of a Russian invasion.
Capital Hobbiton
Largest city, no one really knows.
Official language(s) English, Maori, Elf and Chinese
Government The Australia-ist Revolution Party
National hero(es) Frodo Baggins, Bret Mackenzie and Jemaine Clement
 of Independence
Currency Rodney Hide
Religion Jedi
Population 1 horse, 2 male politicians: John Key & Helen Clark, 89 police officers (2 working with the rest on 'sick leave'), 350 criminals in jail, 650,000 criminals free in South Auckland, 968 million sheep.

The Jedi People's Republic of Nu Zeelind, is one are the greatest nations of breast loving beer drinkers as well as being the world's largest producer of milk. A fact which is interesting because before we got there none of the animals even had any breasts.

The country is located as far from everywhere else as possible.



The North Island of New Zealand, during the year 1503

New Zealand was discovered by the Mori-Ori, a peaceful people from Micronesia. They found it inhabited, and remedied the situation. They called it Aotearoa, which seems to mean Land of the Areola. It seems to mean that, but it does not. In fact, the Mori-Ori chief simply had been eating a big curry and let out a good belch while the anthropologists still had their notepads and pencils out. Some Mori-Ori still exist in New Zealand, and they were used as extras in the filming of The Hobbit, not just as the Hobbits but as the dwarves Mori and Ori.


The islands were re-discovered again in the 17th century by the famous Dutch pot smoker Disable Tasman, who named the country Vealandveggies after remembering what he had had for dinner last night. This new name lasted only a moment, because Tasman, after wrestling with the proper spelling, set down New Zealand in his journal. (Old Zealand had already been taken.) The 'New' was added after New Jersey because both were wild and uncivilised places populated by savages. He subsequently introduced the marijuana plant, which to this day forms a mainstay of the economy.

Aotearoa was re-discovered yet again by Captain James Cook, who thought that as no one outside the place worth mentioning had heard of it, it could perhaps do with a bit more discovering, and the introduction of the wheel, iron tools and firearms to the natives. The first expedition included a touring circus that was tragically massacred by the Maori.

Original flag of New Zealand

With a flash of imagination, Cook named the islands North Island, South Island and The Other Island. Subsequently the British settled Nu Zeelend in force, unleashing biological warfare on the cannibalistic Maori, as well as nearly exterminating the native flora and fauna using one very large rabbit and Welshmen with a predilection for beastality. While it's tempting to blame Americans for most of the problems in the world, Australians are to blame for inflicting upon New Zealand the dreaded possum, the deadly magpie, Fords and Fosters Lager. The Americans, however, are to blame for everything else, including the Ebola virus, Al Gore's documentary on global warming, global warming itself, (c)rap music, international terrorism and last (but by no means least) the shitfest TV programme, Sex in the City. Having said that, New Ziland's popular TV show drama Short-Land Street, really does take the cake on being one of the most 'Dwarfist' televisions shows, replacing actors with underpaid midgets to star as Hobbiton-medical professionals.

When the Europeans tried to take over the land of New Zealand, by offering a totally unfair system called money and trade, the Maori scuttled off under the cloud of treatises, and screamed 'unfair' claiming that the lands was theirs, had always been, and that buying blocks of land in exchange for piles of cash was unfair. However, when the few surviving Moriori proclaimed that they possessed the land first, the Maori then claimed that the Moriori never existed, and were only a story you told your kids to make sure that when they grew up, they didn't become peace-activists. Losing this argument, they then said they they had the right to the land, and the water, and the air, because the had won it by right of conquest... and so the saga continues.


In 1948 The Queen's Dad let New Zealandahs have their own parliamentary system. New Zealandars took to constitutional reform while on some seriously hard drugs: 'Let's abolish our upper house, and work out what to have instead later' (1950) and, 'Let's have half the seats in parliament filled by people who don't have to stand for election, and call it MMP' (1996), are two of the country's landmark reforms.

From 1948 until 2008 Nuy Zealand had their own Labour Party Fuhrer/Dictator (Helen Clark) (gender unknown) who ruled over New Zealand with an iron fist. Towards the end of his reign Ms Clark's iron disease spread throughout his whole body (similar to the Iron Lady of England, Margaret Thatcher) and he had to be removed from office by a forklift truck. Another fallout from Mr Clark's decline was Foreign Minister Winston Peters, who got the sack, not because he was flakier than Helen Clark's scalp, but because all his constituency had finally died.

New Zealand has an extremely egalitarian approach to who can run for office. Women, and the term is used loosely, are merely required to be mind-bogglingly ugly, and men need only be white-collar criminals.


The government's Anti-Noodle Policy, instituted during the Second Cold War of 1801, has proven popular with millions of Chinese weight watchers, who immigrated to Otago during the 1850s. The policy has successfully softened America's stance towards China by minimising the military threat of that country's army, which now consists of 1,900 million morbidly obese martial artist wannabes.

Alleged defence forces

One of New Zealand's Advanced Kiwi Patrol Craft

New Zealand used to have 5 frigates and 15 jet fighter planes but the Labour government decided that Meccano and Matchbox toys couldn't really defend the country if invading forces ever got "serious". However, the Minister of Defence recently commented that the country does have 'abundant supplies of angry and belligerent teen school girls'. New Zilland's armed forces have three defence policy objectives:

  • To defend Nu Zeyland against verry verry low-level threats
  • To contribute to regional security, that is, restoring order to small Pacific nations whose main populations have trouble understanding democracy
  • To play a insignificant part in global security matters

Other than the Girl Guides, the three branches of Nu Zelands armed forces are:

  • Airforce - There isn't one. Pilots have been trained in small arms combat – that is, running around with their arms outstretched yelling 'vrrrooooom' to impersonate combat aircraft.
  • Navy - Apparently has some boats left, but these 10-foot dinghys are too small and flimsy to carry large 19th Century cannons. There is a patrol boat parked in Wellington Harbour that seems to patrol the inner harbour of Wellington. It is the largest remote-control replica in the world.
  • Army - Actually has a lot of clerical and office staff that are very good with Word 95 (and Power Point presentations). Others have even received some military training.


New Zilend's economy is based on the sheep, which have been found to have countless uses, including, but not limited to:

  1. Eating
  2. Shearing
  3. Drinking
  4. Fortune telling
  5. Sexual tourism


Controversially 'New Zealand Culture' has long been listed in the Oxford English Dictionary as an example of an oxymoron. Opponents of its inclusion have counted with the observations of bacterial cultures existing in: the festering jock-straps of rugby players; the dung infested tails of sheep (considered an aphrodisiac to Kiwi men from the South Island); and the few kitchens in South Auckland not being used as P labs.


Nu Zeelind, which was anglicised to be dubbed 'New Zealand', is best known as a once-Maori-turned-colonial-train-wreck.

It may have been considered favorable by English, Irish and Dutch migrants back in the 1800s, but since then these same migrants have birthed a generation of people who resent the small-minded, Pacific island "nation", causing an ongoing exodus of millennials who are leaving the country to live literally anywhere else.

Nu Zeelandia, or 'the most beautiful country of the world' boasts many natural wonders that fascinate tourists until they too, realise that they can find said wonders literally anywhere else also. Because the people of Nu Zeelind can only take credit for what they have actually done to build a society whilst maintaining its vegetation and other natural stuff, New Zealanders (or 'bird people') don't really have a lot to show for the 100 or so years that they have been a country, making it a place only viable for one-percenters from other countries who want to make their lives there for the sole purpose of being as isolated as possible in order to eventually have enough control over the local economy to impose a plutocratic regime.

While the population of Nu Zeelind becomes increasingly diverse with all the immigrants the Labour government is trying to stop, it has become custom for Kiwis aged between 20-30 to leave the country and spend the rest of their lives making jokes about it while developing a foreign accent from wherever else they happen to have moved.

Kiwi character

Kiwis look rough, hairy and brown on the outside, but inside they are soft, sweet and green, and go excellently with fruit salad. Their legendary toughness is epitomised by Kiwis like Bucky Buck Buck, who played a full game of rugby with a ripped scrotum before sewing it up with part of an opponent’s severed tendon. He also used the opponent’s teeth as a necklace.


Sport is very important to New Zealanders, due mainly to there being nothing else to do. Rugby is the most popular sport, both League and Union. The national rugby union team is known as 'The All Blacks.' The popularity of this nickname has led it to be adopted by other national sport teams, including: hockey – 'The Black Sticks'; basketball – 'The Black Hoops'; cricket – 'The Black Bats'; and badminton – 'The Black Cocks.' All like to perform the haka.

The haka

The haka is a traditional Maori war dance that involves a large amount of excessively masculine facial expressions and body movements. The most common of these is the tongue poke which everyone outside of the indigenous people of Nu Zulland always cock up. The Maori haka is usually characterized by a lot of white people slapping themselves in various levels of synchronicity. Despite the visual foolishness of the vast majority of the patrons involved in the haka it is still performed at almost every function or event that has anything to do with Neeu Ziiland. This has led many states in Australia to impose a blanket ban on all spontaneous displays of crouching followed by shouting and slapping.


The 2006 census found that Dancing with the Stars has replaced Christianity as its main religion and the Pope with Anna Pavlova.

However, Jediism is alive and well, and the headquarters for its assassin training center remains on the South Island. Most of the elite forces of the military are trained by the cult forces of Jediism, which tends to be the primary source for fat martial arts wannabes.


New Zilland is a relatively popular tourist destination due to the local currency, 'Dollar', being almost as worthless as the Italian lira. Many Europeans choose to go to New Zealand rather than Australia due to the welcome lack of Aussies. Furthermore New Zealand doesn't have any alligators, snakes or creepy things with lots of legs – a fact that has become the main tourism slogan for the country.


New Zealand has a variety of ways of getting around.


Traffic jams can be common in New Zealand, even in rural areas

Like many countries, New Zealand also has an extensive road network, connecting most major cities and towns. In some areas, sheep are considered alternative-fuel vehicles and therefore have right-of-way over other traffic.


The rail network (or at least what's left of it) connects most parts of the country. One notable point in the network include the Raurimu Spiral and which may seem spectacular, really just goes round in circles.

Wellington has the country's only "real" suburban rail network (utilizing trains that were state of the art when they were introduced in the 1930s) and a cable car. The Wellington Cable Car (which by the way, isn't actually a cable car) is a tram system that simply goes up and down a hill. Despite attempts to establish itself as a serious transportation system, it has become little more than a tourist attraction.

The Christchurch City Council are now upgrading the outdated modes of transport (such as cars buses and bicycles) and replacing them with the extension of the Tram lines (circa 1899). It is an extensive rebuild, involving the restorations of buildings which accidentally fell after the original lines were removed without a Recourse Consent. The council covered this up saying it was an 'earthquake'. After suffering anxiety caused by 1,000 aftershocks a group has formed to investigate what really happened 4th September 2010.

Interisland ferries

Interislander provides one of the 'most spectacular ferry rides in the world' where 'the journey becomes a destination'.

Like the Union Company that came before it, the Interisland line is a ferry service between the North and South Islands. The Interislander provides relaxing and scenic cruises through the same waters that once carried the legendary Wahine and MS Mikhail Lermontov.


  • Sheep – These are feared animals in Nu Zillind, much as cows are feared to Hindus. In New Zehland, all first-born children must be sacrificed to the sheep-god, Akatawhenua, to gain his blessing over the family. Sheep are not allowed to be harmed under any circumstances (to harm a sheep is punishable by death), and all citizens must do the biddings of a sheep if asked.
  • Maori (Mowri/Mouldy) – The Maori have lived in New Zealand for several generations longer than anyone else bar the Mori-Ori (known as 'lunch' in the Maori language.) Their talents include riding whales; founding political protest movements; creative writing (application forms for government benefits) and going to the Chatham Islands for a feed.
The Cannibals Flag
  • Samoan – 80% of South Auckland's population are Samoan, the rest are Tongans and Fijians, which is the same thing. Flights to Auckland are notoriously expensive because Air New Zealand is only capable of accommodating about 10 Samoans per 747 jumbo jet. The Samoan population has grown so 'large' that Samoans are now New Zealand's third largest export after Sheep and Lord of the Rings T-shirts. Los Angeles and the Japanese Sumo Wrestling Federation are the largest importers of New Zealand-grown, 100% Organic Samoans.
  • Asians – the Chinese own all takeaways and the Indians all the dairies. So great has the influence of Asians been that some of Auckland's suburbs have been renamed: Howick (now Chowick), Pakuranga (now Japuranga), Highland Park (now Thailand Park) and rumours abound about a westward move with New Lynn becoming 'Shao Lynn'.
  • The remaining population comprises tourists from the Pacific Rim and rich Asian drug-lords and their gambling cartel monkeys from the streets of Hong Kong. Chinese are usually seen balancing their accounts and laundering their crime money.

Mating rituals

New Zealanders are very social creatures, and spend as much time as possible with partners be them sheep, humans or the residents of Invercargill. In order to achieve social harmony Nou Zilldars have developed crude innate senses that can only be employed in the dark. These include a heightened sense of smell, night vision and an increased output of pheromones that allow them, by very superficial means, to judge whether someone would make a suitable partner or not. This often doesn't go to plan, due to the Kiwi desire to remain budded up. It takes an incredibly long time for them to realize the fact their partner is a jerk to cause a rift large enough to break the relationship. Due to the absolute social failure that this creates between humans in natural relationships, many New Zealanders are inclined to shack up with sheep to avoid continuing in the whole ridiculous debacle.

The New Zillend male has a mating chant that sounds something like 'Are ya awake, bitch?'

A pre-honeymoon portrait. Typical of most NZ men's magazines

Flora and fauna

Among the few remaining native creatures in New Zealand are sheep and kiwi. Due to the lack of large land predators in New Zealand and the year-long supply of humans, sheep have been able to evolve to fit every niche of the New Zealand ecosystem. Sheep are not known for having aggressive qualities on any other continent.

Also, some species of worms grew into giant herbivorous forest-dwellers. Other species even lost their power of flightlessness, evolved large talons and took to the skies to become the country's top predators. Fossil remains indicate that these fearsome beasts were capable of tackling the largest land sheep such as Shrek. New Zealand has the most beautiful sheep in the world and is the envy of all nations, many of whose male citizens are tempted by the these woolly sirens. Palmerston North is widely regarded as the home of the most beautiful sheep in New Zealand. Palmerston North also has the country's largest B-grade red light district.

An influx of Spanish tourists in the late 1970s left the tuatara population devastated, as the small reptiles make excellent back scratchers and door mats.

The oddly fascinating but not sexually attractive National bird of New Zealand, the kiwi. Eat it, and you die.

Kiwis tend to be mistaken for the little brown fruit with the green insides, which has different names in other countries. As a result, the birds are almost extinct because New Zealand men tend to think that eating these little brown fruit will make them better in bed.

See also