Helen Clark
“In the event of a nuclear war two things will emerge from the rubble: cockroaches, and Helen Clark.”
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| Periods in office: | December, 1999- November, 2008 |
| Predecessor(s): | Jenny Shipley |
| Successor(s): | John Key |
| Date of birth: | February 26, 1950 |
| Place of birth: | Te Pahu |
| Political party: | Labour |
Aunty Helen Elizabeth Clark (born February 26, 1950) served 3 Terms as Prime Minister of New Zealand from December 1999 until November 8th, 2008. During It's time in office, It was credited with engineering the largest National Surplus in History, bubble wrapping the sharp corners on desks and tables throughout New Zealand homes, and lowering the New Zealand educational level to below that of Khazikstan.
Early Life
The name comes from the ancient derivation 'hellos' (meaning hell) and 'enos' (meaning in), giving Helen Clark (meaning hell in Clark).
There are various theories about the origin of Helen Clark. These include:
- anti-Evolutionary mutation. Divergent speciation resulting from voodoo breeding rituals between a boar and a man, leading to a genetic miracle: the rottweiler baby. Helen Clark was born. All hail.
- Dental conspiracy. A man-made creation born from 1950 NZ Orthodontist's Association conference, under the call for a "walking advertisement for braces". Subsequently fearful parents have malnourished their families to pay for the correcting of non-existent crooked teeth in order to save the children from what is described as the "Blair Witch Smile" and the "Smile of Hell(en)".
Clark received Its education at Te Pahu Primary School, Epsom Co-Ed Grammar School in Auckland. It attended University of Orcland, where It studied Social Engineering, Nannying, and graduated with a MEng(Hons). It was also awarded an honourary doctorate in Masculinity (CMyPP). Post University, It went to work in Childcare as a Disclipine Enforcement Officer. After several years dealing with delinquent minors, It saw the need to blame even the most dire transgression on the Schools and Parents. With the goal of creating a newer, safer, and more bubble wrapped New Zealand, Clark joined the ranks of the Labour party and slowly climbed the ranks to eventually head the party.
It went to become one of New Zealand's most successful Social Engineers, constructing It's own election to Parliament in 1981, and then to Prime Minister in 1999, thanks to an innovative new fabrication technique that extended the vote to millions of sheep.
Political Career
1999 Election
During a tumultuous decade of overspending, privatisation, and election of Ministers with a clearly discernible sex, New Zealand voters were prepared for a change. After the introduction of MMP via referendum in 1996, Labour was able to gain a majority in Parliament by allying itself with 4 other Party's; The Alliance Party, The Green Party, New Zealand First, and The Party Next Door With Music That Is Too Loud And Definately Not To My Taste Why Can They Not Have Some Guns'n'Roses Or Something.
Clark ascended to the top position in the Coalition, beating off Winston Peters, Jim Anderton, and Jeanette Fitzsimmons. Over the course of It's 3 terms, Clark would be forced to beat off many others, including Phil Goff, Tariana Turia, and (to a lesser extent) Bill English and Donald Brash. Those beaten off were said to be left feeling confused, and slightly dirty.
First Term
After a long Coalition forming process, and much beating off, Clark settled into a role as provider and protector of New Zealand. The Party Agenda included the reformation and upsizing of long stagnant Beaucracy, lowering the Unemployment rate by registering Walking and Breathing as paid employment, and presenting a fearsome yet diplomatic face to the world. Clark's personal agenda was more direct, after It's experiences as a Disclipine Enforcer, It created policy to ensure that School Students should no longer be able to play Bull Rush, engage in competitive sports, or be allowed to fail a school subject.
The last aim was achieved through a reorganisation of the NZQA system (New Zealand Qualification Authority), which ensured that any report card or Exam Result would be so incomprehensible to parents and potential employers that they would be completely ignored. This was further expanded upon by chanding grades from A,B,C,D,F etc. into High Achievement, High Achievement With Extra Fudge, and Brilliant Achievement With Cherries.
During this time, Clark also ensured that illiterate children would be able to pass subjects by allowing them to use Text Speak as their primary language. SWT.
Second Term
Beating off the entire National for the second time, Helen and the Labour Party turned their eyes toward the perilious state of the Economy. After massive investment in providing KFC and Tinnies to impoverished families through their expanded State funded Benefits, the Government was concerned that it may not have enough money left in the budget to purchase plastic covers for its defunct airforce of 1964 Aeromacci Skyhawk fighter planes.
In order to afford the continued changes to the NZQA and still provide Pokie Money to impoverished children, Clark spearheaded a radical policy to make it all but impossible to get an Operation or Emergency Care in the State funded Healthcare system. With a $3B injection, Clark formed a formidable Beaucracy to ensure that anyone required Medical Treatment would die before receiving it. This initial outlay of $3B in Prevention of Care, lead to savings from the Treatment sector of $11B.
With this sector surplus, Clark began cutting Teacher numbers, encouraging Power Price rises to kill off Old People during winter, and allowing the murder rate to climb. It spent several million dollars refitting the legal system to prevent people from being put in Prison, to generate another huge saving from supporting the previously high Prison population.
With a huge surplus of $16B in the State Treasury, overseas investment was courted, interest borrowing rates were slashed, and the economy blossomed. Asian and European investors purchased all the available housing in the North Island creating a massive demand based Value rise. Hollywood stars and second rate Popstars were given the opportunity to purchase the entire South Island, and the New Zealand public each received a Pre-Approved $10,000 Visa Credit Card with which to buy products made overseas.
Third Term
After achieving the majority of It's goals in the first two terms, Clark was able to widen the scope of the Labour Party policies. Believing that New Zealand Children were gaining too much weight, Clark enforced a policy that ensured McDonalds would have to provide salads. KFC however, was unaffected by the legislation, and the expansion of the State welfare and Benefits meant that more children were able to gain access to the Colonel's delicious chicken.
This culminated in the creation of the Working for Families initiative, which saw 70% of New Zealand families ellegible to directly receive Pokie/KFC/Tinny money from the Government. with the Children getting fatter, Clark decided to blame the parents. Citing a link between depression and overeating, Clark determined that smacking children made them depressed and more likely to eat McDonalds. Together with the Green Party, Helen was able to create legislation that made it illegal to Hit/Smack children. The result was instantaneous, figuring they would be prosecuted just for smacking their offspring, parents began to beat them to death in massive numbers.
In the end, as the number of children rapidly decreased, the number of overweight children also decreased (although not the percentage). Hailing the Policies as a success, Clark decided it was time to cut taxes.
Tax Cuts & Downfall
All was not well in the land of New Zealand however, with increased spending on Welfare and Umbrellas for Aeromaccis, the State Surplus had slipped into a deficit. The decision was made that the next election should be thrown in order to allow someone else to clean up the mess.
In order to create as much trouble as possible, Interest rates were raised to decrease spending, Overseas investment was politely asked to leave, and KiwiSaver was created to further drain the Surplus. Tax Cuts were announced and came into force just in time to ensure that the Surplus turned into a massive $11B deficit before the 2008 election was set to begin.
The housing market, under pressure due to the unrealistic nature of the House Values (Superb Single Garage in Miramar, Wellington, Perfect For First Home Buyers or Large Family of Benefit Thieves - $910,000), and subsequently collapsed. Credit Card companies realised no one had paid off their cards in 18 months, and began reposessing. Power & Petrol prices rose to their highest levels in New Zealand history. Considering It's work done, Clark gracefully conceded the November 8 election about 45 minutes after it began.
Post-Election
When being asked about what It would miss most about life in New Zealand politics, Clark stated
Legacy
Clark is the first prime minister who is yet to disclose his/her gender. Contrary to his/her party's continual insistence, his/her lack of feminity and unusual levels of testosterone, he/she is one of sixteen transsexuals currently in parliament, and only one of 169 people in New Zealand who are legally bound to tick two boxes in the gender section of the census. A theory has also be proposed whereby Clark is considered to be a till-now thought to be extinct species of gorilla. This species was thought to be unable to differentiate between male and female and bred with other species freely. He/she has completed two successive unsuccessful terms, and he/she is presently running another term of total transexual domination of New Zealand. It is not sure whether it is phallic envy or mammaric envy that drives his/her continual prosmicuities.
Achievements
Helen Clark's term as Prime Minister has seen New Zealand petrified with fear by his/her totalitarian regeme, unprecedented growth in absurd taxes and an exponential rise in the amount of people practicing coprophilia. New Zealand continues to have an extremely high per capita sheep ratio, the highest among industrial nations. Clark is also widely credited with praying to the devil (along with her arsehole cronie, Michael Cullen ) ,starting fights with the highly intelligent members of the National Party, and sending taxis instead of police to people who are about to die instead of police officers.
Helen Clark was eligible to win the 2005 'who hates this bitch' award, but instead won the 'most hideous rug muncher award', of which she has been crowned the last 10 consecutive years.
Criticism
Helen Clark's leadership style has been criticised as totalitarian and fanatically socialist by a range of right-wing geniuses and the general population of New Zealand. This is also a criticism of his/her government's policies — such as the ban on heterosexual flirting in bars — which has been described as social engineering by people with an IQ in single-figures. Clark has responded to these critics by consigning them all to Helengrad, a suburb of West Auckland.
During her time as Prime Minister he/she has been involved in several controversies:
- Thomas Crown affair. Clark signed for charity a painting that he/she did not paint. This scandal emerged when some fruity art group noticed that the painting was not hideous enough to be painted by Helen Clark. There have also been rumours that she was seen in the Louvre signing the Mona Lisa, a famous painting of a French lesbian.
- Taladega Nights: The Legend Of Helen Clark. An official motorcade carrying Helen Clark was seen going 500kmph and broke the land speed record, creating a jetstream which killed several farm animals. This was all because the cow was late for a rugby match.
- The Tunaface affair. Helen has been criticized for not coming out and being honest with the public about her girlfriend Judith Tizard. Whom she is often seen cuddling.