Don Brash
 | |||
| Parl. | Electorate | List Pos. | Party |
| 42th | Reserve Bank of New Zealand | — | Roger Douglas |
| 43th | Reserve Bank of New Zealand | — | National |
| 44th | Reserve Bank of New Zealand | — | National |
| 45th | Reserve Bank of New Zealand | — | National |
| 46th | Reserve Bank of New Zealand | — | National |
| 47th | List | 6 | National |
| 48th | List | 2 | National |
“My wife's Singaporean, you know? Err”
Don Brash (1940-2006) was the mail order husband of the once National Party Leader, JeLan Brash, and was also known as "The Don". He was created in a test tube on September 24, 1940. He had an incisive mind, although because of extreme shyness had limited conversational skills, and generally ended up stuttering the phrase, "My wife's Singaporean, you know? Err", over and over again. Before being endentured to JeLan, he had little ambition other than to sexually pleasure himself with as many woman as possible, being what is known as a pussy slave, a designation that induced cat lovers to desert the party in droves.
Despite being a mail order husband, and having a lack of conversational skills, he was a well known stud with a high libido, somehow excercising an almost irresistible attractiveness to women especially high profile ones. He did not, however, bed the 37th Prime Minister, Helen Clark, whose gender is indeterminate.
Early life[edit]
He was created in a test tube with the use of Anton LaVey's dark arts, and raised by a Protestant Minister. This was an experiment to finally put to rest the nature vs. nurture debate. Unfortunately, the testing conditions were biased, as for the first six years of his life Brash lived with his family in an incestuous hellhole, Wanganui.
The Minister did not like his chances of proving the nurture side of the debate, and the Brash family moved to Christchurch, when "The Don", as he likes to be called, was six. This was a poor move, as Christchurch was also a hotbed of sin.
It is in Christchurch that "The Don" received the majority of his education, attending an all boys high school, Christchurch Boys' High School, and subsequently the University of Canterbury. It was at Christchurch Boys' High School that he gained his knowledge in the art of seducing women, and general allround studmuffinness. He then refined his sexual appeal at the University of Canterbury, gaining a Bachelors Degree in Sexual Education (B. Sex), as well as Economics, and Political Science.
After obtaining his Masters in Sexual Pleasure, he entered a dark period in his life, going to a land devoid of any culture whatsoever, a land with people of great convictions; otherwise known as Australia. As well as attempting to earn a Ph.D. there, he tried to learn about the politics of Australia, believing they had made marvellous advances in comparison to New Zealand, especially in the realms of race reconciliation and economics.
His first disastrous forays into politics began in 1980, and ended in 1981. In 1982, he became managing director at the New Zealand Kiwifruit Authority, and also at the same time, he was sold by his first wife to his secretary, future head of the New Zealand National Party, and his future wife, the now JeLan Brash. This was because of extreme dissatisfaction of his wife of the time, Erica, who felt his appetites were too voracious for her, and that he should go to a younger woman, whom he could better serve. In 1988, he became governor of the Reserve Bank of New Zealand, a position he held for fourteen years, until JeLan decided to enter politics.
JeLan and Politics[edit]
JeLan induced "The Don" into politics by handcuffing him to the bed, and withholding until he cracked. It took twelve seconds. This was because she feared that whilst she was on the campaign trail, his lust for pussy would overcome him, and he would find another.
Unfortunately, by forcing him into politics, and placing him immediately on the list behind her, she unleashed the true evil which had been lurking in his soul, and put the nature vs. nurture debate to rest. He had always exhibited an evil lustiness, but politics caused a new Don to arrise. He was no longer a mild mannered sex fiend, but an evil, lying, racist, sex fiend, who was implemental in trying to divide New Zealand at any cost, believing in the ideology of "divide and conquer." These were some of the happiest times in the couple's life.
Trouble in Paradise[edit]
Unfortunately, the good times were not to last. After the 2005 election the National Party had gained significant ground against their opponents, Labour. A remarkable achievement, as both parties have essentially the same aims, they both want to fuck the public.
However, "The Don" was dissatisfied. There was no spark in his life. On the campaign trail, things had been good. At night, he would go to his hotel room and have sex with JeLan, and whilst she was engaged in campaigning, he would do no little amount of campaigning himself, with the female voters in electorates.
Everything changed once the campaign was over, as he had to appear often in Parliament. In Parliament, there are only selfish lovers, as "The Don" had learned, to his dismay, in his previous term. He sought release elsewhere, but as it turned out, was not discreet enough. On 13 September 2006, he sought leave in order to appease his angry wife, who had previously insisted that if he had engage in sexual congress with women other than her, he should at least use his discretion.
The National Party had had quite enough of unphotogenic bald tosspots as leaders, and quickly switched to Handsome John Key, who subsequently came Death Emperor Who Shall Be Feared of the Opposition.
At Christmas 2010, while celebrating the festive season alone in his studio flat, after several helpings of corned beef and peas, Brash had yet another life-changing moment. Inspired by the dvd he was watching, about an FBI agent who infiltrated the Mafia, then disappeared into obscurity, Brash resolved to become leader of the ACT Party. This he did in early 2011, and quickly strengthened his popularity with the rich, upper-middle class, elderly voters of Epsom, by promising to decriminalise pot. "Donny Brashco", the movie about Brash's infiltration of the ACT Party, then sudden disappearance into obscurity is under review. Rumours abound that Nandor Tanczos is being sought to play the lead and to bring the buds.
Don's foray into the murky world of illegal drugs and mind-blowing substances was not well-understood at the time (similarly, the unusual insights into his private world, for example - "I like to prune my own kiwifruit"), but things are becoming clearer as classified documents are released under the OIA. With few brain cells to kill off, the risks from being a permanent pothead were far less for The Don, while the drugs were a convenient excuse for his rabid economic mumbling. A full One-and-one-half of a percent of voters remained convinced that 6 weeks of detox over the Christmas recess would clean out the apparent drug-fuelled mind and New Zealand could be the utopia that Hayek only dreamed about. Without the drugs to excuse his ramblings, all that voter support would be at risk.
Furthermore, from a GDP viewpoint, coupled with Michael Porter's theories of competitive advantage, it makes more sense to export aluminium from Tiwai Point with the weed in it, rather than just the raw aluminium. It would allow two of NZ's biggest commodities to synergistically move further along the Supply Chain. Surplus tinfoil could be made into hats for ACT Party promotions.
Moreover, dealing with gang culture fostered new ideas for ACTs policies. Tried and true methods used by Mob members lit the path for ACT to rig the Epsom election outcome. The Don's weed-trading in cheap motel rooms and back alleys, away from sight from the police, the IRD and any kind of government intervention was the perfect testing ground for ACTs free-market theories.
Veteran activist Penelope Mary Bright and 307 others are now after a piece of the "Don" (unusually, not "that" piece!!) after asking the New Zealand house of Reps to conduct an urgent inquiry into the decisions about prosecutions relating to the Huljich Kiwisaver Scheme registered prospectuses dated 22 August 2008 and 18 September 2009. The Commerce Select Committee has yet to report back on this Petition 2011/5 which was presented to the House on 29 February 2012,It is now 21 June 2012.
The petition to uphold the principle of ‘ONE LAW FOR ALL’ and conduct anurgent inquiry into why fellow former Directors Of Huljich Wealth Management(NZ) Ltd, Don Brash and John "Nothing to hide, Nothing to fear" Banks were not prosecuted by any of the following’regulatory bodies’ for signing registered prospectuses which contained untrue statements.
The Securities Commission, the Finance Markets Authority (FMA), the SeriousFraud Office (SFO) and the New Zealand Police have yet to charge the former Directors of Huljich Wealth Management (NZ) Ltd, Don Brash and John Banks for signing theabove-mentioned registered prospectuses which contained untrue statements.
Only one former Director of Of Huljich WealthManagement (NZ) Ltd, Peter Huljich, was ever charged, unfortunately Mr Brash could not be contacted for comment today,but his office advised that he was out fundraising in NORML's big green CaNnaBus"to cover the costs of a new pot vending machine for Auclands infamous "DaCkToRy"
The Death of "The Don"[edit]
On 23 November 2006, Don was found quilty of treason (By Helen Clark) and was executed by hanging.
JeLan Brash has not been seen since.
Don Brash will be remembered most for being the first economist to reject the theories of both Keynes and Hayek, instead basing New Zealand's Reserve Bank policies (during his tenure) on the lyrics of Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit" and the subliminal messages from playing teletubbie dvd's backwards.