Winston Peters

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Winston Peters nancys it up at the 1995 Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras in Sydney

Winston Peters is an enraged, happy New Zealand Politician known best for his open beastiality and the welcoming stance he has toward immigrants, most notably to Asian immigrants as of course Winston Peters is himself Chinese. He is also known for his prop comedy. This is demonstrated by his comedy show, 'World's Most Obvious Hidden Trust Funds'. In the show, disguised as a Foreign Minister at a press conference, he held up a 'No' sign, denying the really obvious $100,000 Trust Fund filled with money from a multi-millionaire transport magnate. This is considered to be one of the funniest prop comedy routines ever, exceeding anything done by Carrot top, according to some sources. The famous "NO" poster was actually hastily drafted on the back of a recent account statement from the Bank of Monaco - which proved too difficult to explain away. Winston his since moved to internet banking & electronic statements.

Winston the Fag[edit]

Winston Peters is one of the few open homosexual Politicians worldwide. He loooooooves the cock.

Coming Out[edit]

Winston Peters attends the 1996 Hero Parade in Auckland. In this image Peters is dressed as a swan princess.

In 1986 Winston Peters came out as a homosexual. Winston has later said that this was one of the most turbulent times of his life as he was not sure if he was gay or simply a woman trapped in a mans body. In 1985 Peters came within minutes of gender reassignment surgery, only to pull out at the last minute when he realised he loved the cock so much he couldn't bear to part with his own. Always a charitible and giving man Peters did not let the surgery go to waste and instead called his good friend Helen Clark, who had the surgery herself having always wanted to be a man.


Peters has said that it was during this period of his life that he experienced the most prejudice - Even his close friends Hitler and Dr. Phil had trouble coming to terms with how he liked to be pounded in the arse by other men, says Peters. It has been suggested that this prejudice was ended almost entirely by the passing of the Winston Likes Men and Thats OK Act (1989), a bill which Winston him self pushed through Parliment, somehow managing to balance his busy "getting pounded in the rear" scheduel with that of a well dressed politician. Winston suffers from chronic hayfever, which forces him to carry a large handkerchief where it can be quickly reached. All other rumours are mere speculation and paranoia.

Gay Lovers[edit]

Peters had a number of homosexual partners including JFK, Helen Clark, Jim Bolger, Jenny Shipley and most recently Jim Anderton and Lindsay Perigo. Amongst New Zealand political circles, Peters is known to partner-swap on an almost daily basis.

Current Partner[edit]

As of December 2005, Peters and partner Jim Anderton are living happily in Auckland. Reports suggest that Winston is the top, and Anderton the bottom.


Like many homosexual immigrants, Winston Peters has suffered from Jam addiction, as well as a serious Mountain Biking compulsion.


Peters has been a member of all major political parties and Governments in New Zealand for the better part of the last millennium. Currently he is leader of the far-left wing New Zealand First party. According to his autobiography his actual political classification is narcissist - something he spends the entire book explaining in its one and only chapter.

The party name was originally intended to be "New Zealand Fist", in reference to its policies for dealing with immigrants. While this may have been popular with Peters' more socially-homogenous "Silver Supporters", a chance overhearing of a coversation between John Key and John Banks, in which Key suggested that Winston's older support-base would soon go the way of Rodney Hide and Don Brash, caused a strategic rethink.

Winston's first choice of ministerial portfolio was Immigration Minister, but this was considered to be too risky by the coalition uber-partner. The offer of what was thought to be "Minister of Foreign Fears" seemed totally aligned with the party policy, but the error was spotted too late to turn it down. The rest is history.

New Zealand First Policies[edit]

  • Free manicures for all.
  • Legalise pedophilia.
  • Legalise marijuana.
  • Decrease Police numbers by 50%.
  • Increase number of florists by 50%.
  • Free career reassignment training for former police officers wishing to become florists.
  • New Zealand to be renamed Winstonia.
  • Gay Marriage legalised.
  • Straight marriage outlawed.
  • The institution of slavery for everyone not named Winston Peters.

The Wine Box Inquiry[edit]

Winston Peters displays two of the 20,000 large rubber phalluses that had originally been discovered by investigators lodged deep inside Peters' anus. Peters was eventually cleared of any wrongdoing by a Parliamentary Privileges Board.

While Minister of Manlove Affairs under Jim Bolger's Nazi Party Government of the early 1990's, Peters was suspected of involvement in theft of over 20,000 rubber phalluses (dildos) from Georgina Beyer. It was alleged that Peters stored the phalluses inside of his anus, in the back of his ministerial car (A Volkswagen Beetle) and inside a wine box that was kept in his and Jim Bolger's BDSM dungeon. The inquiry later became known as the Wine Box Inquiry as the terms Dildos up Winny's Ass Inquest and Volkswagen-gate were seen as pandering too much to the needs of the media.

Current Portfolios Held by Peters[edit]

Peters is currently the Minister for Rent Boy Affairs, Minister of Flowers and the Minister of Immigration.

Winston First[edit]

Dirived from the word New Zealand First, Winston Started this Party in 1993. The sole purpose of the party being then to get Winston a new car (not a chinese one this time) since then it has grown so quickly its been two cars a year for Winston. In a press conference he once said: when i become Prime Minister i will make 'New Zealand' 'New Winston Land'


Best friends Winston and Jesus give their approval to a troupe of dancing gay cowboys

As of January 2005, Winston Peters has renounced his former Athiesim and has become a devout follower of Jesus. "Jesus and I are best friends, really super friends!" says Peters.

Initially, friends of Peters thought he'd gone insane as he kept referring to Jesus as an actual physical being, and regularly spoke of events he had attended with Jesus, including the Hero Parade, Helen Clark's sex change party and numerous All-Male Revues. However it does appear that Winston Peters and Jesus are indeed close friends as in recent times candid pictures of the pair have appeared in numerous women's general interest magazines.

When asked about Peters relationship with Jesus, Jim Anderton - Peters long-time partner - Responded that he was not concerned by the relationship. "Jesus and Winnie are just friends - I've met Jesus lots of times, and consider him to be my friend too. I'm pretty sure he and Moses are getting quite serious anyway"


  • Enjoys the taste of human flesh.
  • Is a sufferer of potentially deadly penis disorder bicycle helmet.
  • Is Chinese
  • Is named after Winston Churchill. When Churchill found out Peters had been named for him he unsuccessfully tried to have his name changed to Barry.
  • Is sexually attracted to himself
  • has erotic fantasies about Gerald Way
  • likes to fuck the tax-payer
  • attends the Bohemian Grove

See Also[edit]