Dr. Phil

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Dr. Phil is that one talk-show-therapist poop imitation of Oprah. It is believed by many religious and political cults that he is secretly Chuck Norris working under the rule of Darth Vader. However, no proof has been provided (so far.) The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) is currently looking into it.

Early life[edit]

Dr. Phil was born in New York, Texas. Dr Phil says his family motto is 'Fox in a chicken coop is better than half a turnip on a sandwich'. He was born with a moustache. His mum tried to wash him when he was a baby but his moustache absorbed all the water in the tub. He had a strange attraction to hideous midgets with extensive plastic surgery. He grew up quickly, and became well-known in his school and his surroundings as the tall kid who smelled like Pine Sol. He then moved to Los Angeles and began 'helping' people. In only 5 days, Dr Phil attacked many people with cheese in a can, and won the award for "Los Angeles Most Helpful Citizen" after kissing more than 80% of Los Angeles' birds. (hence the award). With the award came a check for $300,000.00. Shortly thereafter, he decided to go onto Celebrity Survivor where he 'psyched out' the competition by showing off his 'stache.' One day while walking down the street in his suburban neighborhood, Dr Phil saw a strange man in a nearby tree. Dr Phil approached the man and asked him what he was doing, the man jumped down from the tree dying on the impact. Dr Phil asked the man's family if they would like to be on his show, and they said "NO!, I like flap jacks and training squirrels!" In recent days, it has been noticed that Dr. Phil may appear near asian oriented areas of O.C. possibally visiting "coffee shops" and vietnamese coffee shops with bikini girls.


McGraw won a 'my momma is a hairdresser scholarship' to study a Bachelor of Arts at Rodeo Clown University, Texas where he decided to pursue an MBA. He experienced academic difficulties stemming from his misuse and transposition and confusion of the use of "your" and "you're."

Shortly after leaving the school following the suicides of the entire cafeteria staff, and despite the fact that he had only audited psych 101, because the "bitches in that class were baller", he was recruited by Mcdonalds to develop their own modified version of the MK Ultra Program for new employee orientation.

Phil attempted to also prove at this time to the employee subjects that Japan never existed, leading to the failure of the SEGA Corporations latest game console. Overall employee output doubled, then halfed, then that half halfed, then the half of half doubled then halved, triple tripled, then "halfed." To this day Phil uses "halved" instead of "have" in his speech.

Mcdonalds does not comment publicly about his consulting or the fate of their program, but it is of note that customer complaints have dramatically dropped or have been addressed quickly in one way or another. They decline to comment on the use of "American employee advisors" in their overseas locations.

The Dr. Phil Show[edit]

The Dr. Phil show is a meek representation of Dr. Phils intentions. The show begins with Phil introducing a person with a problem of some sort, he then asks the person what it is that they do. Once the person has replied, Dr. Phil then repeats the entire explanation, and awaits the crowd's applause.


  • Dr. Phil: Today i will be talking to tony, who drinks 15 cans of coke a day. Tony what is it you do?
  • Tony: Well Dr. Phil, i drink 15 cans of coke a day.
  • Dr. Phil: He drinks 15 cans of coke a day.
  • (Crowd applause)
  • Dr. Phil: coming up next, i'll be speaking to dave, who beats his wife regularly.
  • Dave: Yes Dr. Phil, i beat my wife several times a day.
  • Dr. Phil: Hmmmm (awkward pose), Dave beats his wife several times a day.
  • (Crowd applause)

Nothing is ever truly solved, it is only proven to happen.