Plastic surgery
“As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.”
Plastic Surgery is a highly popular medical procedure first introduced in the early 1900's. The commonly known purpose of plastic surgery is to make a person look more attractive; however the initial purpose of plastic surgery was to make people look extraordinarily ugly, until the founder suddenly had a realization:
"Wait a minute! Maybe I would do more business if I tried to make people look GOOD!"
Early developments included simple facial alterations such as preventing embarrassing facial hair growth by removing the skin and replacing it with gorgeous, shimmering cellophane. In modern times, people who undergo plastic surgery are murdered and then promptly replaced by a life-sized plastic doll, which has absolutely perfect features.
Origins[edit]
Plastic surgery first came into being in the late 1990's, when a limp-dicked cosmetic surgeon and toothpaste eater called Ari.da.man 'Ink-stain' Yadav was at home, just after having sex with his wife...
"I remember it like it was yesterday. She was asleep," says McDuffins, "She was always asleep when we had sex. She would never have had sex with me if she was anywhere near awake.
But anyway, in the meantime I noticed that she had this humungous porous mole on her face, and it was positively hideous! I couldn't fathom having to stare at the thing for another microsecond. So I decided to perform a little self-improvement procedure on Clarice. First I cut the mole off, and then I noticed her right shin. There was another mole on it. I couldn't have that! So I removed her leg and replaced it with a nice, shiny, hollow plastic tube.
Plastic tubes are a hundred times better than legs! Tubes never get hairy! Tubes never get wrinkled and grotesque with age! But then, I looked at the rest of her, and was filled with a crushing dread as I had a major realization: eventually, my wife would get ugly. Her hair would grow white, her teeth would get yellow, and she would probably start to smell.
"I couldn't bear the thought of a wife who was anything less than a sex goddess. So I killed Clarice, and threw her in a nearby river, and ran out and bought a Barbie and named it Clarice. It was genius!"
McDuffins was convinced that his new surgery method was the way of the future, and was confident that he could commercialize it and turn it into big money.
"Sure, God may have made the human race in his image, but obviously God was one flawed, ugly, imperfect bastard. THIS generation's going to be made in the image of Angelina Jolie!" he said ambitiously as he strode out of his mansion, his grimace frightening many a passersby.
Early Success[edit]
McDuffins, being the wise businessman that he was, immediately targeted the age group most likely to want to have their appearances artificially improved: vulnerable high school girls!
He'd set up a little roadside stand, right next to where the school bus dropped them off, McDuffins reminisced; and then immediately start doing business. You see, the surgical procedure was very simple, he'd just kill the girl in a somewhat painless (depending on how much she paid him) way, dispose of her body appropriately, and then make a life-sized plastic doll to take her place.
Because the doll is made of plastic, it isn't hampered by the tiresome qualities that human beings are, such as needing to walk and balance properly, so McDuffins summised he could make the legs so skinny that, on a human, they'd snap instantly. But on a doll, they work fine, which is why it's so advantageous to have yourself converted into a doll. You can be so beautiful, you are a scientific impossibility.
And don't even him me STARTED on boob size... McDuffins was making dolls with boobs up to 20 feet in diameter at times! Of course, he made the dolls out of the least biodegradable plastic he could find; in order to ensure that the dolls would NEVER, EVER get ugly. The high school girls just loved them!
Everybody was paying McDuffins to kill them softly, and replace them with a plastic doll! After a doll was made of a girl, a nametag with her name on it would be stamped somewhere on her body, usually either on her ass or on one of her boobs (to emphasize her glorious new figure), and she would be carried back to class.
In 1998, McDuffins withdrew his life savings [the entire family's Enron Portfolio and opened up a multi-story complex devoted to giving people plastic surgeries. He then launched a national advertisement campaign, under such snappy slogans as:
- "Never get wrinkled with age!"
- "Never worry about acne, ever again!"
- "Be perfect!!!! Be flawless! More Cowbell!"
- "You'll never have to deal with the inconveniences of being a living creature again!!!"
- "Cottage cheese!!! Cottage cheese! Portfolio!"
(BTW - That last slogan was believed to have been a typo).
Soon, plastic surgery clinics had opened up all over the nation. By the end of the 1990's, thousands of upper-class American women with blemishes, birthmarks, and other such imperfections had had themselves killed and replaced with plastic dolls. "It does my heart good to see so many women looking to find their inner beauty," said one.
Plastic Surgery Becomes a National Phenomenon[edit]
None of the teachers at the local high school minded that much. "I mean, sure, the dolls never talk in class, and hell, they're awful students...but just look at the thighs!" said a male teacher in an interview at the time. When the interviewer then followed up asking if any of his female students were still humans, the teacher replied, "Oh yeah, I had one, but I kicked her out of class, just because she was so...ugly. I mean, she had split ends! COME ON!!!"
Soon, parents began to hear about the plastic surgery craze that had been spreading through local high schools. "Yeah, I remember that day distinctly," says Nigel Finkle, an old man whose daughter and wife both had themselves turned into plastic dolls, "The school bus stopped at our house, and the driver kind of...rolled this plastic doll down the stairs!"
It was his daughter, he quickly deduced. His wife thought this 'development' was so exciting; she ran off immediately to have it done to her as well. Finkle thought of stopping her, but then he thought about how great the sex would be, and decided to help pay for the operation. Eventually, as more and more mothers started undergoing the procedure, it began to gain national notoriety.
In 1998, McDuffins took his wife's family nestegg; their entire Enron Portfolio savings and 401K then opened up a multi-story complex devoted to giving people plastic surgeries. He then launched a national advertisement campaign, under such slogans as:
- "Never get wrinkled with age!!!"
- "Never worry about acne, never never again!!!!"
- "Be perfect!!!! Be flawless!!! More Cow Boobs!"
- You'll never have to deal with any of the inconveniences of being a living creature again!!!"
- "Cottage cheese!!! Cottage cheese!!! Portfolio!!!" (BTW - The last slogan was believed to have been a typo).
Soon, plastic surgery clinics had opened up all over the nation. By the end of the 1990's, thousands of upper-class American women with blemishes, birthmarks, and other such imperfections had had themselves killed and replaced with plastic dolls. "It does my heart good to see so many women looking to find their inner beauty," said one doctor in an interview, before heading into his office and arranging the deaths of 60 young women.
Dr. 90210[edit]
In early 2001, a popular plastic surgeon in the Hollywood area decided that plastic surgery wasn't getting nearly enough publicity.
"There are millions of perfectly hideous women out there, living what they think are perfectly normal, happy lives!" said the surgeon..."
He wholeheartedly believed that the media must be compelled to bring much more attention to plastic surgery; if these unfortunate women were to ever learn of their own tragic flaws. How else will they achieve perfection? That's why he hoped to start a new reality TV show, in order to educate the girls of America that it's not okay to be different, and it's not okay to have any physical flaws, no matter how minor they seem
The surgeon got his wish. Later that same year, E Entertainment Network! (a then newly established American channel on television dedicated to Hollywood and pop culture, not to be confused with B!, a channel devoted to yodeling and oil midget wrestling) aired the first episode of a brand new reality show, called "Dr. 90210," which documented the plastic surgeries performed at a Hollywood hospital. The show immediately became a major success.
In order to further his message, the plastic surgeon in the show made sure to never turn down a potential patient, no matter how minuscule her so-called flaws were. In one notable episode, a woman walks into his office and complains about a coffee stain on her dress, and he immediately kills her and replaces her with a plastic doll. The show had a profound effect on many American females.
"I had no idea anything was wrong with me until I saw that show," said 14 year old Glinda Carmicheal as she walked into a plastic surgeon's office, "But now I know how the real deal from E Entertainment Network! just how truly unnacceptable this miniscule ingrown toenail really is."
The Coffee Stain Controversy[edit]
The plastic surgery industry came under heavy fire in 2005 when Mr. Wallace Keddleton of Lobotomy, Wisconsin sued a plastic surgeon when he discovered a coffee stain on his newly plasticized wife. In a court case that lasted several months, Wallace argued that his wife had gone to a plastic surgeon in order to make herself physically perfect, and that the coffee stain on her ankle was just as bad as the chubby thighs she had gotten herself killed for in the first place.
However, Wallace reached a settlement with the plastic surgeon when the surgeon agreed to make a replacement doll for him. "When I saw that brand new, glistening, stain-free doll with "Denise Keddleton" stamped on it, I fell in love with my wife all over again!" said Wallace, as he walked out of the court, tears streaming down his face, and his beautiful wife in his arms.