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Jesus hands out free samples of hair during one of his greatest miracles

“This is the real thing!”

~ Donald Trump on hair

“Isn't it ironic that straighteners only make you gayer?”

~ Oscar Wilde

Hair is a cash crop that grows on the top of the head, until it doesn't, or until it is cropped.

The beginning of time[edit]

Humans are born mostly bald. Time, however, was born with a full head of hair, as was Bob Ross. The epic battle between Time's hair and Bob Ross' hair rages on to this day.

The beginning of hair[edit]

Brian posing with one of his pretty guitars. Have you ever seen such a huge booming hair?

Hair was first discovered in 1418 BC by Jesus Christ. He used to carry around long samples of hair tied together, and glued them to his face to form what he called a "beard". The Bible actually recalls the event when Jesus produced masses and masses of hair from a basket for his flock to wear, to the delight of many children. Some believe that this may well be where hair as we know it began.

Of course pubic hair had been discovered earlier; it fell out of the tree of knowledge.

Hair throughout history[edit]

Hair has always played an important part in history, be it Hitler's moustache, ZZ Top's beards, or Tom Jones' chest wig. Wars were fought over the price of hair (See World War 2), and many countries were left crippled and freezing when hair supplies ran short.

Many famous films have featured hair, such as "Star Wars Episode 9 - The Emperors' New Hair" and the famous Abba song Tragedy was written about the time when the one with the beard dropped it down the toilet pre-performance, and refused to go onstage.

Washing your hair?[edit]

Many people think it's necessary to wash their hair with all kinds of different stuff like aloë vera, but according to Pieter Jan there is only one product available for solving all your hair problems; Peanut Butter. Peanut butter can help with all types of hair problems, such as hair cancer, hair cooties, and hair herpes.

Lesbians usually don't wash their hair very often, if at all. This is a key in their strategy of being unappealing to men. Gays, on the other hand, wash it daily, which is gay.

Hair today[edit]

Hare, not hair. Get it right.
Here, Pat And Mick, demonstrate some modern hairstyles for us at a recent Uncyclopedia photo shoot.

Today, hair is used as an insulator and/or to cover unsightly scars on the head, the arms and legs, and the pubic area. It is occasionally seen on the back and chest, though only in women.

Black hair is the most undeniable proof that someone is purely evil. It is usually found on 12th level demons and germanic tribesman, as well as on Dogmen and cavemen.

It is used extensively in the wool industry, as the current Sheep Strikes continue on unabated. Therefore, it is not uncommon to see news reports of old relatives being carted away overnight by hair rustlers, so that they may be stripped of their ears, and the soft luxurious fur within.

When hair grows on lawns, it is referred to as grass.

Gone tomorrow?[edit]

Hair stocks are rapidly being depleted. Current scientific predictions show that hair may be extinct by the year 2011. Don't worry though! Plans to create synthetic hair are already in place. At the North Pole, hair is already blossoming on the hair trees that grow beneath the ice cap in the Hidden City owned by Santa.

The future of hair[edit]

Hair has its own DNA and has, over the last hundred thousand years, been mutating without the consent of the head. There are many millions of different species of hair yet they all seem to be able to travel from one being to the next. Pick up a cat, hold it near, and suddenly off comes some hair. Getting it off of the shirt is a pain -- why? The hair evolved to have a locking mechanism just like that. As hair continues to evolve we can predict the following advancements in the hair race:

  1. Stronger hair - in future Soviet Russia, Hair combs you!
  2. Wireless hair - in the future, thanks to wireless technology, hair will be able to grow in ad-hoc across different animals
  3. Independent hair - hair will evolve into a species of plant.

The sun and Hair[edit]

The sun has a quite a good effect on hair when it's exposed to it. Just like the skin, your hair becomes much darker. If you are out in the sun a lot, specially between 12 am and 3.30 pm, your hair might even go black. This will save the goths and metal people from dying their hair black all the time, they just have to be out in the sun. Taking sun in a solarium is a good way to fool your hair to think that it's the sun, although your hair might fool you back and become white instead of black, so that you'll look like an old person. Although you have to watch out for hair cancer which can be extremely dangerous, it may make your hair become extremely big and wide, so you get an afro haircut. But don't fool yourself afroguys and girls, it also hurts your brain, it goes in through the root of the hair and damages your brain with the almighty sun to hair flu.

Before and After[edit]

Everyone looks better with HAIR! Each picture has been touched up with a magic marker to show before and after:

So, as you can see, added hair makes anyone look good. Except Palmolive.


Pigtails are good for lice prevention.

Head lice are lovely little creatures which live in your hair. Head lice prefer clean hair, so if you never wash your hair and frequently roll around in dirt then you have nothing to worry about!

If, however you do get head lice, the best cure is to dip your whole head in a large bucket of petrol and hold for 4-6 minutes, next, light a match and hold it to your hair for instant hair removal. Warning: Some burning may occur.

Pubic lice, or crabs, are obtained through urinating constantly.

Nice watch, Baldilocks

How would Homer Simpson look with more hair? DUH. Oh...I meant D'OH!

See Also[edit]