Auckland
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| Alternative Names: "Jafaland, Jafastan, Dorkland, The future USSR" | |||
| Flag | 
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| Capital | Auckland Central (formerly Wellington) | ||
| Population | . Rest of Orcland consists of five million furry flightless birds, eight million cars, three and a half buses, 4.7 trillion sheep and 200,000 Australians (three of them capable of intelligent thought). AUCKLAND has more people than the rest of New Zealand together, which is why those areas are often lumped together in population statistics under "Other". | ||
| Area | Between Hibiscus Coast and Bombay Hills, so worthlessly small | ||
| Form of Government | Procrastination & Bribery | ||
| President | John 'Banksie' Banks | ||
| Currency | Lattes universally accepted | ||
| Language | Currently: Abuse, Hip-hop, CNN, Chinese. After 2020: Hanyu (aka Chinese) only | ||
| Imports | Stuff, SUVs, Oil, Coffee Beans | ||
| Exports | Judy Bailey, Helen Clark, Woman from the Briscoes Ad | ||
Auckland (or Land of the long white P cloud) is the capital of Polynesia, half of Micronesia, most of the islands of the Pacific, and the southernmost city of China. Auckland is also erronously believed to be the capital of the city-state of New Zealand (the actual capital city is Rotorua). Auckland also has a large migrant population of Caucasian road warrior nomad tribes, known as Bogans or, their preferred name; "Westies" See Hamiltron city of the future.
Auckland has become world famous as one of the two "World Super Powers" (along with sister city Flint, Michigan) and is now the world's leading producer of Nuclear power. In fact, Auckland produces all the energy for every country on the planet with the notable exception of Australia, which as a consequence has lived in complete darkness since 1977, but only noticed the fact in June. On a tuesday, natch.
Home to just over one million people, five million furry flightless birds, eight million cars, three and a half buses , and 4.7 trillion sheep Auckland is a diverse and varied city, multilingual residents are capable of yelling abuse in several different languages.
Auckland is built above 52 dormant volcanoes, and two tremendously volatile active volcanoes (see Helen Clark and the wart on the nose of Paul Holmes). This is a great relief to the rest of New Zealand (and Australia as it happens), as it means that there is a small chance that one day, Auckland will be buried under several trillion cubic meters of lava and ash (or Holmes' nasal mucus).
Auckland was originally called Penguinland, but was renamed in memory of the Great Auck after its extinction on the opposite side of the globe.
Attractions
Auckland has improved dramatically since they built the wall around South Auckland. Now the only things you have to fear are Maori gangs and Auckland drivers. Most Aucklanders have Orc Mob connections to protect themselves from the aforementioned enemies.
Visitors can explore the wonders of the gigantic hypodermic needle built as a tribute to our Beloved Fuhrer. The Needle was originally built in 1994 when a then Prime Minister , after a Friday night of endless vodka shots, became convinced that Auckland's terrible weather was due to God being ill with the flu. The good people of Auckland, equally drunk or on cocaine, agreed and built the needle. The Bishop of Auckland sent letters to God through text message telling him to lower his arm onto the needle. The good people of Auckland are still waiting for God to accept his cure.
It is rumoured that this needle contains a vial of the worlds purest smack. Approximately 20 people fall per day trying to reach this vial. People in the area are advised to wear hard hats.
You could also take part in one of the many in-depth television programmes filmed in Auckland, such as Police Stop, Stop: Police, Stop the Police and many others involving young gang-banging idiots doing 220 km/h in an excuse for a car/ rust-bucket Honda and then whining about the cops always being after them. The Shakespearian tragedy "Shortland Street" is also filmed in Auckland. It is the most cliched tv series with a bullshit polt, NCEA level 1 drama acting and non-existent storyline. People throughout New Zealand watch this show religiously, and lose sleep over what cliche' storyline will be used next. It is a fact, that for every episode of Shortland Street you watch, you will lose one billion brain cells.
Geography
Auckland is situated on several volcanoes located on an isthmus between two harbours filled with boats and people pillaging shellfish populations. It consists of 200 square (and some rather longish) kilometres of concrete and state housing, except for the tsunami prone shoreline and the volcanoes. That's where the rich people live, which will one day prove that God doesn't much like wealthy people and fishermen.
To the south of Auckland are the Bombay Hills (aka The Border). These keep the Aucklanders in, and the rest of New Zealand out. This is considered a good thing on both sides of the border. South Auckland used to be considered a part of Auckland, until "Sir" Barry Curtis declared it an independent nation. The aforementioned wall was subsequently built from just north of Otara to just south of Papakura, initially by The Independent Republic of South Auckland, although they (unsurprisingly) ran out of money really fast, so it needed to be completed by the rest of Auckland, who were only too happy to oblige, keeping those "cheeky darkeys" locked away where they should be.
It had been rumoured that there had beern an appeal started to cover the costs of filling the area enclosed by the wall with water. However, this has since been clarified. The water is to be poured into the area encompassed by the wall surrounding Australia.
Traffic
One of Auckland's most famous features is its endless traffic jams, which stretch from the Bombay Hills in the South to the Hibiscus Coast in the North (which are the infact the borders of New Zealand). The average speed of vehicles in Auckland is approximately 1 micron per century meaning that many Aucklanders are born, grow through childhood saying "Are we there yet?", meet life partners in neighbouring vehicles, raise families, and die in the same traffic jam. If any sort of movement is detected in a traffic jam signaling that the people might actually get to where they're going, passengers are quickly dispatched to secondhand car yards to purchase more SUVs to make sure that the traffic stays still and status quo is maintained. When the secondhand car yards close, the Armed Forces of New Zealand are hurried in to cause a series of minor collisions with faulty UNIMOG'S. In real emergencies, bus lanes and ramp signals will be deployed to stop all traffic.
Purchasing a car in Auckland is ill advised for tourists. A much simpler method of transportation is the local custom of car jacking. A significant weapon (such as a nail gun or rubber hose) is usually required to obtain a car but this will vary on your choice of car. Classes in this are held every second Tuesday in unemployment workshops. Full details are available through WINZ, the national association for providing things to do for the fat, unemployed and Maori.
The traffic issue, like all issues in Auckland, will eventually be resolved through methods of bankrupting the rest of the country so that our largest city may prosper. Although that has been done before, and it didn't work last time. Good times ahead.
Sport
Petanque centre of the world, no-one's told them it isn't trendy anymore. Also home to publicly funded yacht races for millionaires, that everyone tries to pretend are interesting.
Their rugby team consists of a pretty boy (Tasesa) who can't tackle for peanuts or kick and fourteen other Samoans. They tend to lose to The Gods Amongst Men, the Wellington Hurricanes, who consists of one man, Jerry Collins, and fourteen other people. It's a matter of shame that the Auckland rugby team has only won 50% of the national rugby championships.
The League team, called the New Zealand Warriors is based in Auckland, this team consists of one white guy, an Australian and 12 incredibly handsome polynesians with a combined IQ of 12. It has improved since Francis Meli left. A little known fact about this team is that Manu Vatuvei holds the land speed record and is a contender for the nobel peace prize, along with Mr. T.
They also have an international League team (the flightless birds) which play in the Tri-Nations against the roadkill team the Kangaroos and the Poofy Tea Consuming dragQueen loving Brits. The Kiwis team is pretty much the same as above: One extremely good looking white dude, and 12 Mr. Universe winning maoris.
It is a custom for NZ Rugby players to drink each others piss, however if no piss is given to one single member of the team they must piss on the field and after the game be tortured by the other team members who insert their long hard uncircumcised penises into the lucky team members ass.The Rugby teams spend endless hours in the lockerroom naked watching gay videos and masturbating or sucking each others dicks raw, the nz rugby teams are also famous for having pretty boys on the field. The Hazing custom of the nz rugby team is synonymous with gay clubs and gay indivuals, players have their balls and cock shaved by the team captain while being subjected to drinking the cum of other players. Most NZ rugby players do not wear anyform of underwear other than a females G-String and stockings
The People
Aucklanders are generally disliked by the rest of the country, in particular the south island. As mentioned earlier, Auckland is inhabited by "Westies". They can be distinguished by their communal first names (Stevo,Gazza or Munter for boys, Sharon or some pretentious made up name for girls), and their dress. If it's tight and black and made of cotton or denim, they'll wear it. Items bearing a Metallica or Iron Maiden image and bring back the biff are considered holy, and only worn on special occasions such as weddings, funerals or court appearances.
Also present in obnoxious numbers are the Well-To-Do. They can be identified by their BMW Z8's they purchased so they can drive at 1 micron per century in rush hour, or their SUV's that they bought for towing their ludicrous boats to other people's lakes. The SUV's will usually be located double parked at the front of that traffic jam.
There is a small, disgruntled population of Irish ex-pats living on the 'North Shore'. Unwarily lured half way round the world with wholly baseless promises of a new 'fib luyfstuyl' they cannot understand why in the name of Jesus they thought that exchanging one small island of just over 3 million people with handy links to Europe, good music, culture and history for a pair of small islands of just over 3 million with handy links to the edge of the world, Crowded feckin' House, the Museum of Modern Amphetamines and the Handy Cigarette Packet Guide To The Glories Of New Zealand's Past. They would mostly gladly settle for a motorboat over to Sydney but failing that put up for now with the local pish masquerading as beer and occasionally and spontaneously kick the bejesus out of random passing Rugby fags.
The rest of Auckland's population is comprised of the Maori, who used to own the place until they sold it for some alcohol, tobacco, sky TV, blankets, guns and glue for their children. Pacific Islanders, who come from places so old and dirty and smelly they think Auckland is nice( just a more modern dirty), and several Asian countries who moved to get away from the North Koreans and Chinese. It is thought Auckland will jiang Hanyu (Chinese language) by 2020. The islanders mainly reside in Otara. It is estimated that Otara and southern auckland (Otara, mangare and papatoe mainly) cost the New Zealand economy 38% of its GDP each year, in bennefit payments. Otara residents are the chief recipients of the bennefit in New Zealand. It is also the Crime capital of the country and where Helen chooses to cast a blind eye when appearing on national TV to remind us all that we should be "thankful" to the rich and diverse culture the islanders and in particular Maoris have brought to New Zealand.
This diverse mix of nationalities brings a vibrant sense of racial violence and mistrust to Auckland, particularly South Auckland au, an independent principality controlled by harmless motorcycle clubs such as Black Power (who use nonviolent solidarity as a means of protest and sell methamphetamine to promote peace and goodwill), and the Mongrel Mob, who take care of stray canines.
Culture
The people of fuckland city are considered living proof that New Zealand is no place for large towns. The appeal of Auckland is strictly to gain a simple, practical lifestyle in a suburban area, most commonly on a lifestyle block. People from any and all cultural backgrounds come to the town seeking this out, adapting to a way of life wherein culture doesn't really exist (except maybe they'll still go to church), which in turn deprives the city of any real culture, other than a very anti-metropolitan one where people go to work, spend what they earn on overpriced food and gasoline, complain about having no money and drive their cars everywhere, for the most part refusing to use public transport, thinking they're too good for it.
Driving is an integral part of the Auckland lifestyle, along with that of New Zealanders in general. In fact, 89% of Aucklanders believe that if you're driving an automatic car, you're not really driving. This was in a Nielsen home scan survey which was also conducted online in seven other developed cities as well. Participants outside of New Zealand did not actually answer this question because they either didn't care or just didn't have time to while they were on the train to work.
Politics
Local body politics have been dominated by the Regional Traffic & Road Development Society (ReTaRDS) for the past 40 years on a platform of 'investigating and consulting with fringe special interest groups from the Coromandel on Auckland's Transport Infrastructure and then reviewing our findings, before investigating the outcome of our findings'.
The Society has lately been criticised from a number of fronts for not delivering on their proposal to build a new super highway from Central Auckland to Rangitoto Island on a budget of $10 billion. ReTaRDS Chairwoman M. Hubbard recently appealed for a budget top-up after it was revealed that stacking wads of hundred dollar notes in the Hauraki Gulf as a foundation for the Highway would leave it submerged during high tide, and another $2 billion would be required to top it up.
A great argument broke out in late 2006 over how to bulldoze the city's seaport and replace it with a $1.5 billion shrine stadium and floating steakhouse dedicated to rugby, the state religion. Proponents of the new stadium argued seaports are ugly and should be kept well away from cities, preferably replaced with something more fashionable darling. The ruling Labour and City Vision parties argued demolishing the port and building the world's most expensive stadium built over water on stilts was an essential part of their plan for economic transformation of the country.
“Auckland city doesn't need a port. ”
“Aucklanders lack vision and imagination. ”
The visionless opponents of bulldozing the seaport argued another stadium should be built next door to Prime Minister Helen Clark's house.
The West
Home to hot goths.
The East
The East of Auckland contains some of Auckland's finest suburbs, such as Glen Innes, Panmure, Mt. Wellington, and Pakuranga. These posh, upmarket suburbs are home to some of the best and brightest in Auckland's society. On the other hand, East Auckland is also home to some of Auckland's worst suburbs. The infamous Remuera, Mission Bay, Kohimaramara and St. Heliers areas are home to 92.5% of the city's dole bludgers. Residents of neighboring areas are often heard complaining about the number of poor quality vehicles that pass through their suburbs on their way to their destinations in Remuera. Locals have adopted the term "Remuera tractor" to refer to the typical 8 seater Toyota van bought from Instant Finance, a hallmark vehicle of Remuera's poor familys.
Edu...Edu...Edu-caaaa...uh, Learning stuff
Many Aucklanders has a good learning stuff because they are good at stuff and shit. Y'know, like the four factors of New Zealand life for the typical man: Rugby, Beer, Tits and Tractors. Also, Aucklanders is very good at talking many languages, as they as did learning at school...about.
There is also many schools at Auckland where every people can to be learning? Also, with the and on about the houses school students will be to are going...*unintellectual gibberish*...tea-kettle, then she shat on a turtle.
“So in conclusion, All your base are belong to us.”
Crime
The main areas of theft, rape, robbery, car theft, murders, assassinations, gay rapes (predominately caucasians aged 16–99), ass rapes, mouth rapes, fuck rapes, and grapes take place in Parnell and Howick as most people like these gay rapes particularly.
Criminals are held in high regard in South Auckland with several Mosques, churches and other religious centres converted into shrines to these new age "Gods". Since the introduction of the "Compensation for time spent in the lock up ACT 2003" crime has become the third most profitable profession in the region behind taxidermy and panelbeating. Methamphetamine production has become a tax deductable income, but only if the shit is good.
Maoris and Pacific islanders in particular have taken a liking to the "game" of crime where they can "ged som freee stufff oi awww G bro" and often gain respect and status in their crews (which coincidently resemble the heirachy of an ape clan). They enjoy traveling to Eastern districts to carry out raids on homes where they receive their furnature and home appliances (if they cannot find what they want during inorganic collect). This is a family activity where the whole "whanau" work together (possible the only time when the parents are not abusing the children). Goods are then transported back to South Auckland where they discover that they do not understand the strange box connected to a glowing pannel the "Whiteys" and "slit eyes" stare at while pushing symbols on some kind plate(symbolds resembling: qwertyuiop asdfghjkl zxcvbnm) believing this strange object to be worthless they often use it as fire wood for a human hangi.
The local police force subcontracts work out to a handful of taxi companies in an effort to redirect more funding to the lucrative "infringment notice" programme where anyone caught driving a car is subject to a fine. These fines can run into the millions of dollars and at the risk of immediate bankruptcy the population has moved to a "safety in numbers" approach, the underlying reason for the rumour of congestion of the motorway system, which is designed to deter undesirables from wanting to deny deserving Aucklanders their chardonnay and/or latte's.
“ Welcome to New Zealand! Our valuables are located to the left! Please don't hurt us!”
(This is also the motto of the New Zealand Armed Forces.)
Weather
There is no weather in Auckland insomuch as that it does not change from day to day. The sky is alway grey. (See above pictures) The exception is at nighttime, when the sky is often a darker shade of grey. This is because of the hurricane force southwesterlies that are blown in from high pressure systems over West Island. It is the exact same process as the human F.A.R.T., yet very strong and sloppy, gushing over Auckland.
The weather in Auckland is often cited as "God's punishment on sinners". Which is also a phrase used all too frequently with regards to the abundant lack of power crises. When God shits on Auckland it thunders and when he takes a leak it causes showers which create landslides and destroys house in which retards are living in who think their houses are safe because they built it on top of a hill or on the foot of it.
Infrastructure
Auckland is the posterchild for cities with perfect infrastructure. Auckland's freeflowing roads, seamlessly combine with an extensive & surprisingly uncrowded public underground rail transport system, that is perhaps the single greatest achievement of the modern age. So well planned is the infrastructure of Auckland that it adds to the aesthetic beauty of this already sparkling city. The one blot on the landscape is the Hauraki Gulf, which impedes the expansion of Auckland's huge variety of monster shopping malls (Westfield only!!) and brick and tile housing. The Hauraki Gulf, an un-needed and unused part of the South Pacific Ocean, is due for reclaimation by the Auckland city Council early in 2010.
The proposed Hauraki Gulf reclamation material for this massive landfill will be a sturdy combination of imported used Japanese cars, beer bottles, newspapers, finance company debenture certificates and sheep bones. Compensatation payments to present property owners of beach front property are estimated to be USD 5.5 Billion. A new petrol tax, the "fill-er-up" tax, has been introduced to fund this ambitious project.
In 2005 due to ever increasing electricity demand from Aucklander's ever expanding inventory of cappuchino machines, mobile phones, Playstations, hair straightening irons and other essential devices for the modern, electricity ration books were introduced. The electricity ration book system was introduced to stop Aucklanders using all New Zealand's Electricity. Each Aucklander is allocated a number of KiwiWatts per Month based on a complicated formula based on their usefulness to their average retail spend, home suburb, car age and hair colour. This formula has resulted in the inhabitants of the inner city suburbs being able to watch TV while the rest of the Auckland population are forced to use candles and burning stolen TVs for warmth and light. However, no one really noticed, because most didn't open their mail, leading newspapers to continue to harp on about the electricity criiiisis, when all was solved already.