Stuff
CAUTION: IF YOU ARE READING THIS ARTICLE IT IS LIKELY YOU JUST FINISHED TAKING 18 OR MORE SHOWERS AND COULD POSSIBLY BE SUFFERING FROM PRUNITIS!!!
Stuff is the fundamental essence of the Universe. Stuff fills the the inside of the outer lining of the universe (technically known as the Spatial Attribute Container - Sac). If you haven't noticed, the spelling of stuff as "stuff" is now obsolete and only spellable as "stuff". Stuff is often considered to be an agglomeration of things but paradoxically a thing is also made of stuff. This paradox is known as the stuff-thing duality wotsit, whereby all matter appears as a thing if picked up but also as a collection of stuff when dropped hard enough. However, your local Accountant or Mad Scientist can instantly determine if any object is actually stuff or a thing. Just don't expect to understand his/her answer.
Important Stuff[edit]
As with people, stuff isn’t equal in importance. and, like people, for stuff to be usefull it needs to be able to do something. Stuff like locks or seatbelts or antivirus fire walls are like the policemen of the stuff world, absolutely useless. That is why there is a universal scale for the importance of stuff and this is measured by many things, such as the monetary value or entertainment value. This is why a luxury yacht is usually considered more important than a life insurance policy, and a game console is considered more important than a health insurance policy.
Stuff fulfills absolutely no purpose other than taking up space, and is almost never used by anyone without an overabundance of time on their hands. If stuff should ever become frequently used, it ceases to be stuff, and becomes a thing.
Stuff isn’t only a noun used for generalization. It can be a verb. So "stuff it".
A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far Away[edit]
This bit was really cool and had lots of large-chested women in fur bikinis and Dinosaurs and stuff. The really great thing was that Language had not been invented by this point, so the large-chested bikini women couldn't terrorise men by making demands to go shopping, or by talking all the way through Top Gear and Football. Also Volcanos were pretty big around this time, as was the occasional giant crab. Most men made their living by making and using stone tools. Steven Spielberg was born in this period, later going on to dramatise his early childhood memoirs in the film Jurassic Park.
A Long Time Ago somewhat closer[edit]
This period was dominated by two powerful factions;
- The Romans - who invented being Drunk.
- The Greeks - who rather less impressively invented triangles, but made up for it by also inventing the Donna Kebab to capitalise on Drunk Romans.
Much of their time was taken up with a mighty feud over which of them invented the Toga, a sort of giant nappy (or diaper, for illiterates) in vogue with most fashionable deviants of the time. Both of them had a whole pantheon of utterly loopy but almost identical Gods who got up to all kinds of deranged antics. Zeus, for example, liked nothing better than to appear on earth in the form of a swan in order to seduce young women, because it is well know that young Greeks and Romans liked nothing better than shagging swans. Obviously.
Another notable faction from this era was The Spartans, who famously dined in Hell, the restaurant served by celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey during his reality TV show "Hell's Kitchen". Then, there were the Chinese, who invented Tea to go with restaurant meals, along with Samurai to keep the Greeks and Romans out of their country, and in case that wasn't enough, they built a Great Wall as well.
A Very Long Time Ago[edit]
This was a time of exciting change for the world, beginning around 1765 when renowned engineer James Watt invented the Nuclear Fission reactor. Quickly realising that Fission reactors could almost entirely replace Cloth Caps as the primary means of heating in Northern England, Mr Watt set about procuring the colossal funding and investments he would need to also discover Uranium, a vital component of his new invention. Equipped with several suitcases full of cash from his backers, Watt spend several years mining for this as-yet undiscovered element, digging up large portions of the North-East of England in the process.
Unfortunately, by the end of this arduous period of prospecting, all Watt had to show for his efforts was several million tonnes of an entirely useless, soft black rock. Faced with increasing anger from his investors eager to recoup their money, Watt first made an abortive attempt to open these mountains of loose rock as a cheap ski resort for the working classes, before one night attempting to burn the evidence in a fit of desperation and insanity.
By a happy coincidence, this useless soft black rock proved to be remarkably combustible. Wasting no time at all Watt immediately re-branded it as ‘Coal’, going on to make several much larger suitcases full of cash as it soon replaced unwashed peasants as the nation's primary source of energy. And so the Industrial Revolution was born, enabling mass production of Stuff.
The "Stuff Checklist"[edit]
With life and all it’s complications, it may hard to work out what is stuff and what isn’t. Luckily there is a simple list off cutting down what is stuff and what isn’t.
- Does it Exist?: This seems like a obvious question but you may be surprised. Things like Global Warming, NASA satellite photos and your super-hot girlfriend are all figments of your imagination and don’t exist and therefore aren’t stuff.
- Does a Redneck agree?: The most fool proof way to find out if something exists is to ask one of our good old country friends. Years of Inbreeding have given them incredible deductive power. If a redneck says that something does/doesn’t exist then they're probably right and shouldn’t argue.
- Can you see it?: According to common sense, if you can’t see it then it isn’t there. After all, how can you prove something exists without using you actually perceiving it. Even the fattest Redneck would agree with that. With that being said, No, Air is not stuff.
Stuff list[edit]
With all this stuff in the world, how do you know what to cram into your already over stuffed and undersized brain? Never fear, just memorize this simple list.
- Lift from the knees, not the back. That’s good advice for anyone.
- Washing daily is always good.
- Eat a healthy, balanced diet of at least 2 different take outs.
- Wash, fold, then dry. Otherwise you get creases.
- When talking to a girl, saying “I like your boobs, I mean your dress, I mean your boobs” isn’t a good pick up line.
- Pick up lines fail full stop. (<-- one of those)
- Don’t use internet abbreviations in real life.
- Never stare at anyone for more than 5 seconds. It’s just plain creepy.
- Don’t believe anyone who describes themselves as “honest”.
- Don't trust anyone who says "Trust Me" frequently.
- The unusual is usually funny, especially unusual-looking people.
- Therefore, if you are unusual-looking, you are likely to be funny.